thank you god
for ******* on my head
thank you for the pain
for the heartache and sadness
for the loss
for cutting me deeper & deeper & deeper

because now i know just how beautiful life can truly be
when i've showered
and smiled
and found something
and taken a rest
and tended to my wounds

speak now
or i'll stop the movement
dripping, draining, drooling
my bones skip a beat
and fracture my heart
where the thought lies
between tongue and cheek
where i floss my teeth
where i'm meant to be

on my bedside table
a glass of water breaks
my blankets cover crumbs
i am swallowed like *****
i am lost like a bat with no eyes
echolocation be ******
i'm not moving
no matter how you'd like it

dark twisted images fill my mind
but i know i am not of them

the world is a scary, scary place
if you're wearing the wrong glasses

i lost myself
trying to understand evil
and i still don't get it

i still would rather **** myself
than hurt someone innocent

i guess i can rest easy knowing that
i'm not a bad person

trusting that
i'll never be

and now i can return home
after an adventure through the
dark forest
and drink a cup of tea

too often i long for the past
but
my heart has always ached
&
my mind has always spun
&
i've always wished for another time

its a painful day
when you realize
all your love
has turned to resentment

i wish i could go
back to that time
when i didn't know
how bad it could get

when i thought that
being scared of people
was the worst i could feel
but i can be scared of myself

**** it all!
i want to say on a daily basis
but i can't follow through
i'm too attached to keeping the peace

it's been hard to get myself to do anything but stare into the emptiness

my body is made of concrete
and my mind of cotton

my heart has been broken open once again
only by the will of my own differences

slice me down into my bitter sleep
where I meet demons through my eyelids

ive been cursing the wire mesh
blaming the cuts and time for my own confusion

no one wants to admit
we'd all rather lay in the sand

im a beach ball that deflated
and was left on the side of the road

Your voice is soothing and low
The mild scent of your skin has slowly become a signal of safety
But your heart is beholden to the echoes of your past -
and I cannot allow myself the freedom to crash my weight
Into a body that houses a soul so listless

If only I could be the love you truly need
The one who holds you in just the right way
Who always says just the right thing

But the jagged edges of my form poke you in places far too tender
The pain persists on borrowed time -
and I’m just grateful for the chance to sit with you

I will love you for as long as I can,
In the ways that feel most comfortable
But I will let you go before you grow to hate me
Simply for the shape of my being

It’s 30 minutes post sunset on a Tuesday.
Today’s been languid,
My body heavy against soft furniture

I’ve chosen to walk through the last bits of dusk until darkness (however lit by street lamps) and listen to the muffled sound of my footsteps and cars passing (I’ve put headphones on with nothing playing)

A shallow stream of water has collected in the wash alongside the bike path I often frequent on these thoughtful evenings

Wondering if I should be releasing that which no longer serves or manifesting something new for my life, I look to the moon

I see a perfect semicircle, exactly in the middle of a cycle (although I’m unsure if it’s waxing or waning)

I continue my walk and enjoy the lights reflecting in the water

Lightning strikes somewhere southwest of me, there’s no thunder so I can’t count the seconds between them

I’m always grateful for the rain in the desert. It makes me feel hopeful, albeit tired

My senses have adapted to the drought

I pass a mesquite tree wrapped in purple twinkle lights, and a bat flies over head (this is the fourth or fifth one I’ve seen tonight)