thank you god
for ******* on my head
thank you for the pain
for the heartache and sadness
for the loss
for cutting me deeper & deeper & deeper

because now i know just how beautiful life can truly be
when i've showered
and smiled
and found something
and taken a rest
and tended to my wounds

dark twisted images fill my mind
but i know i am not of them

the world is a scary, scary place
if you're wearing the wrong glasses

the foamy taste of reality hits my tongue
i breathe the fresh air,  however hesitant

we walk through the park
the wind whips our faces

we talk about something
and laugh

and i'm grateful
and i'm sad
and i'm angry
and i

feel
way
too
much

but
- for once -
it's real

i
can
feel
sunlight

i
can
laugh
again

my greatest fear is judgement
but
if
someone thinks less of me
for loving myself enough
to take a pill that saves my life

they
can eat
****

i lost myself
trying to understand evil
and i still don't get it

i still would rather **** myself
than hurt someone innocent

i guess i can rest easy knowing that
i'm not a bad person

trusting that
i'll never be

and now i can return home
after an adventure through the
dark forest
and drink a cup of tea

too often i long for the past
but
my heart has always ached
&
my mind has always spun
&
i've always wished for another time

life was so much sweeter
when i thought you were gone
when i saw clearly the lines between
you
and
me

fuzzy stars grow between the black night sky
tears form behind my eyes

and i miss you
and i miss the love that grew
and i know it's still there
but i've tended to the weeds,
not the flowers

and i'm paying the price
and so are you

starvation,
and
loss.