Depression means
Endless nights of emotional
Pain,
Rainstorms of
Escalating
Sadness that cannot be
Stitched shut because this
Injury is an
Open wound no
N**eedle can fix

when i was little, i dreamt of being a princess
because taking charge is what i do best
and why not do it in a long pink dress?

i may not be royalty but i am royally *******
by being an overemotional teenager who ...
listens a bit too much to what society says
and not enough to what she has to say
about herself

i feel like that needle in a haystack
when it comes to the future.
i’m still asking if i can use the bathroom
when i’m expected to have my whole life planned out
by the time the leaves start to change
and i have to surgically remove my arm to sell on the streets so four years from now i’m not living on one ... with nothing but a fancy degree held above my head when it rains the cold realization that i am $100,000 in debt
and have no idea what i’m doing


so what am i supposed to do
when i still find myself comparing who i am now,
to who i could have become
without the challenges of 2012
still hanging on my shoulders


when i lay in bed at night,
thinking about how different i would be
if life hadn’t thrown me a curveball
that knocked me off home plate and out of my comfort zone,
out of the dreams of an ivy league school or graduating with high honors -
when i’m just lucky to be graduating on time.

while my peers are getting acceptance letters,
i’m getting the reminder that the battle has just begun,
the war of me against myself in accepting the past as it is,
regretting my mental disorder will not make it go away no matter how hard i fight.

i know that forgiveness equals growth,
a never-ending road of
constantly changing
twisting and winding
paths that never seem to have any clues
as to which one is the right one.

i’ve blindly picked a path, a quest if you will.
i am on a quest to be the best
no no, let me rephrase, MY best
because my best is all i can give and someday,
those that told me otherwise
will be eating those sugar coated words
when i have finally accepted MY best is true success.

so when i was little, i did dream of becoming a princess
but today, i’m dreaming of being a better me than yesterday

when i told you i had loved you all this time
you said you had no idea
and that makes sense because
while i was looking at you with loving eyes
you were looking at her the same way

there isn't anything i wouldn't do
to see you in each other's arms again
to see you dance around the kitchen
a book in one hand
a wooden spoon in the other

to hear you say i love you
out of love
not out of habit

to see your smiles
when the other walked into the room
not glazed over eyes
focused on the floor

there isn't anything i wouldn't do
to have our family
be whole once again

These cuts I make
Are small compared to my real pain
My wounds go deeper
Than any blade can cut
And they leave bigger marks
Than the simple scars
Blood flows out of my wounds
Yet I live on
My heart still pounds its steady beat
Even as I scream
My heart cries out for help
As do my lips
I will continue to cut and cry
Clutching to the knife
Clinging for dear life
Holding the handle steadily
At the end, a blade, quite deadly
Sinking the metal into your skin
To relieve the pressures within
Cuts deeper, longer
Slices steeper, stronger
Anger drips unto the ground
Anguish leaves your vocals bound
Tired of this numbing feel
Though the pain of it all is quite real
As the final droplets fall
You find that you have hit a wall
With the final breath you’ll take
Plunge the blade, your body breaks