It’s like passing a ******* kidney stone that doesn’t even exist, one that lingers and claws on your minds eye like a cyst upon creation

it’s a focus shift, a pool of indifference, a cry before an inner audience uninterested in the parchment, too jaded to focus and too faded to care

it’s an outside perspective on your own ******* process, “this guy’s mouthing off like he’s got something to say, who is this ******* and why should we care”

it’s when the ratio of happening to happenstance breaks the mold of your monotonous grind, when the words set to define the sounds of a generation fall into a digital pool of overpopulated subterfuge

It’s a deflated message and an idealist’s shift to anarchism,  too ******* at the cynics and too distraught to bother with a response

It’s like starting to *******,  giving yourself blue *****, and not calling yourself back for a second date

if,

one-day

you ever read this.

I hope you maybe, just maybe

understand

why I am incapable

of ever leaving you alone.*

...

I spent that hole year, trying to make you like me.
I was an absolute idiot, yes I'll admit it.
Then I was scared that the year would end, as of course it would
inevitably.


So when the end did come,
as of course it would.
I wept and crept
away from the sun.
Into my dark mind away from everyone.

Then I could not extinguish that flame,
that you'd so annoyingly implanted,
in my heart,
in my mind and brain.

So I kept on getting singed,
moth to a candle,
flame that you are,
and I cringed...

But again I tried, to see you,
though it was always cut short
and I never knew if you loved me or not
But I will probably always continue to try to

Today I was thinking,
of your lips kissing every part of me.                
Do you remember that?
The morning we just couldn't let go of each other.
Pure energy every times your lips would meet my skin.
You were going to lock up for the weekend.
Our goodbye of sorts.
It was the most passion and the closest thing to love I felt in so long.
The thought, that you would be sitting alone,
thinking of all the parts of me you kissed all weekend,
You would have that memory to keep you company,
made it that much more  enticing.
I actually said I love you, and was so glad you didn't hear.
We were far too early for anyone to say things like that.
I wouldn't want what was happening to change for anything in the world.

You gave me that watch,
I was so amazed that for whatever reason you had it,
You would think of me.
And that made me want you close so much more, you would never know.
He smashed it,  he took it and smashed it.
I screamed at him, I cried so hard and I couldn't tell you.
I still think about it and the pain is still there
the emptiness feeling in my stomach when I saw the pieces lying there.
He had grabbed me and gave me the watch he had given me.
Screamed at me to wear it instead, I threw it at him.
Told him I wanted nothing more than for him to stay away.
I told him not to ruin what I  wanted anymore.
He did I guess, or did I? Did you?

That night at my house,
you know the one,
Where his rage took a stab at us.
And we left,
That night I chose you.
I left all my belongings, my home and I chose a new chapter.
I chose you.
Remember when you took my hand in the cab and pulled me close?
The safest I have felt in years.
The closest to anyone as well.
I felt your heart and who you were and I hoped for time with you like this.

You stole my heart and made me believe again.
And now your hateful words and absence make me know.
How utterly silly of me to give my heart away,
how ridiculous to think I would ever mean anything.
I didn't love him you know.
I was falling for you.
I loved falling asleep in your arms.
I loved looking into your gorgeous eyes.
I hate how it ended.
And now, I wish it was just beginning again.
I have the memories, your gorgeous face and eyes I can still see.
I think I will hold on for a little while more.

Let me touch you.
Not where you think I'm going to,
but where my hands were meant to be.

Let me kiss you.
Not on your lips,
but on every other body part that's never been kissed.

Passion runs through my veins
as my nails run through your hair.
Scratching and pulling while our bodies breathe in unison.

*** isn't an option.
Make love to me like only you know how.
Make your name my lips favorite word.
Make my legs go numb from the pleasure
you've caused between them;
the pleasure you've caused between us.

Stopping isn't an option.
Let me explode. Physically and mentally.
Let your fingers be the reason my mind won't set you free.
Let's just… be, B.

darling i must ask you to be patient,
for i will not always be what you expect of me.
sometimes i'll be a bit insecure and i will begin to doubt myself.
sometimes i'll be self centered and complain about irrelevant things.
sometimes i'll be dejected and i will grieve over every soul that has walked away from me.
sometimes i'll be spiteful and i won't talk to you for days.
but you must bear with me.
because someday all of these flaws will be smoothed out and i will be exactly what you expect me to be.
and maybe the day when my flaws are hardly visible then i will be happy.
(and i'd like for you to be there to see this happen.)

What I did not know, was
what would come next in our
conversation. We usually do
not talk about deep things, but
I started running out of questions.
I know your favorite color and I
know how you met your first
husband. So, what was there left
to ask of you? Well, certainly I
would of course find a way to
ask you something.

The question I asked was simple:
What is the worst thing that has
ever happened to you?
Now, ladies and gentleman I did not
expect what came out of her mouth next
due to the fact that I asked the question
nonchalantly. But, instead she looked at me and
said, "I was *****." She then gulped and
looked me straight in the eyes and began her
story, one in which that I had to hurry and text my mother for
to tell her I'd be a few minutes late because I knew I'd
end up telling her mine. She told me about how it was in
high school and how scared she was.
About how terrible it was and that
was why she started self harm.

I shivered at the thought:
we are so alike.

Mostly in good ways, but I hate that she has been through
so much that I have. That we share that same pain.
I told her about how sorry I was and about what
happened to me. That one of my other teachers was
that only reason I was even standing here to be able to
tell this story today.

I then wished her goodnight and told her we could
talk again if she would like, because it felt nice to
talk to someone who understood and
did not look at me like I was a
mere child.

This was on the 2nd of December, and I wish I
would have been able to stay longer to say
all the things that I really wanted to say.
Maybe sometime in the future we will
talk things over, because they really do
settle my mind.