you pull up and give me a
Hug, I press my fingers into
your shoulders and forget to
imprint the feeling. Earlier you
said I should just say things even
if they come out garbled, you asked
"How are you?" but it was more like
How are you? and it sounded a
a whole lot like something more. So
I ask; Do you still love me? and your
answer is broken, but you are hasty
to return, and you? I say yes, no
hesitation and close the door.
All I remember are the two beats
my heart gave, loud and unyielding
the way my chest was tight and I
wanted to ask if you'd kiss me
don't look behind me, I am so
confused as to why i. Why...i.
why I?

i swallowed the sun and
washed it down with a little inky night.
now wildflowers bloom in my heart
and light fills my mind. these
words are solar flares of a
fallen petal.

the price of it all--
welded lips of unspoken words.
now other people mishear
and believe i am speaking,
but it is only the wind
whistling through
my teeth.

now i find that,
being alone is silence,
but it is never quiet.

i feel like i never
left or maybe just
spaced out for six
months but this
place still feels like
home, the cold still
chills me to the bone
but i wear nylons and
stretch numb fingers
smile at the people i
will always care for.

When I was younger
I liked to spin and spin
I would get dizzy and fall
and I would laugh
because things were good
and life was kind

When I was a little older
I liked to follow my brother around
I would get tired and fall
because no matter how hard I tried
I couldn't keep up
but things were good
and life was kind

The day I became a teenager
I began to internalize
and I would get dizzy and fall
because I was different
things were not good
but life was still kind

When I was a little older
I made peace with my struggles
I got light headed and cried
God made me different
but things were good
and life was kind

When I became an adult
I met my first love
We would kiss and I would fall
because I knew he would catch me
things were very good
and life was kind

When  I was a little older
I made too many mistakes
I was so sorry but I didn't fall
because I had ruined his life
and mine
and there's nothing to be done
things got really bad
and life was not kind

Now the days go by
but things are different now
and when I think about it all
I get dizzy and I do fall
because not a day goes by
that I don't think of you
and how sorry I am
for the idiot I was

but life goes on
there's not too much I can do
the little that could
was done
and we've moved on

The day I'm a little older
I'm sure I will see you that day
and I will probably get dizzy and fall
but I hope enough time has passed
where we are able to smile
because things are good
and life is once again kind

"I love you."
those three sweet
meaningless words
always find their way into my head
and roll around like they're stuck
in a box
moving from house to house
never really finding a place
to call "home"

and i wish i could get the idea of you
and those three words out of my mind
but you’re stuck there
as much as we both hate it
and each other

day after day
you’re still there
in my veins
in my bloodstream
my pulse spells out your name

I haven’t washed you from my sheets
out of fear that my body
will miss your slight touch
or out of fear that
I may be forgetting you
and I don’t want to
but I need to

and if you look closely enough
to the scars on my arms
they tell a story
in chronological order
of how I fell in
and out
of love
with you

(a.k.)