There are still times I reach for my phone to start texting you.  

When I see something funny or find a new song, you’re still the first person I want to share it with.

Sometimes I go days without thinking of you, but then you show up in a dream. Or a memory.

I’m not over you, and that’s okay.

Happy Birthday.

I just want to say thank you
Thank you for the kiss in bed
And the eggs in the morning

I just want to say I miss you
The way you type with your thumb and forefinger, I was always confused how you managed to hold on, not drop your phone in mid text conversation.

It’s been months since we last spoke.

But the idea that we can still be friends is comforting.

Like using canola oil instead of butter to fry an egg. No matter how much oil you dump into the pan, it’s still going to stick to the bottom. Come out broken and drenched.

The oil is a good substitute. But it is not the real thing. And I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-butter is just a replacement for my feelings.

The sky is not falling, I wake up in the morning and still brush my teeth.

But it’s night now. I lie in bed thinking about slam poetry, thinking about if only I had the right words. The right metaphor to make you feel like me...me thinking about, thinking about, thinking about, thinking about

Losing you.

And I know you aren’t lost. At most you can use the maps on your phone. To guide you to the nearest grocery store. Pick out a fresh new dozen.

I just want to say thank you, you’ve laid down the recipe, spoken it into existence, but I can’t find the spatula to take it off the burner.

What is left is stuck between my teeth, the taste of char replaces expectations of nourishment. It lingers as I am forced to swallow.

I know you were trying to minimize the pain. But the stove was on high and my arms are covered in burns.

I don’t love you any more. But I’m out of butter, and my toast is burnt.

I miss the way you made me breakfast. And how you loved me.

what is it that sits below my eyes?

It is there,

but yet I can't see.

It is felt,

but yet I do not know.

what is it that sits above my smile?

It can't be heard,
It can't be smelt,

and yet I can't ignore it.

I don't like initiating every single conversation
                                                            hangout
                                                            text
It's not that I don't have friends
It's just that they have friends
                                        other friends
                                         more important friends
It's not that I don't to people
It's just that they only talk to me because they see me
five times a week

It's not that I spend friday nights alone
curled up watching netflix
I still keep my phone by my side waiting for an invitation

Because it's not like I haven't tried
I'm just not the friend you invite to a party
                                                          to hangout
                                                          to eat
And it's not like that doesn't hurt
finding ways to mask the excuse of always being along
introvertism can only go so far.

It's not like I don't ask to be included
I'm just not a part of the core group
                                           the group chat
                                           the skype call

Look, I understand. I get it, I really do
You have other friends, priorities, drama,
and I just fade into the background

Maybe I'm too independent or laid back
Maybe I'm not engaging enough and don't text back

It's not that I'm lonely
It's not that I don't try
I've just learned not to have to charge my phone over night
I've just learned to expect a phone call from my parents
or a text from my sister

I'm not in a friend group, but I have friends
I'm not in the group message,
                  the skype call
                  the table in the mess hall
And I would be okay with that

If I didn't know

But you let slip, without warning,
the meme that someone posted in the group
something funny someone said during lunch
the craziness of friday night

But I know
And I care

Curled toes
body heat

there is no snow
only cold air pushing in

closed eyes
big blankets

there are no lights on
only dawn breaking through

shallow breathe
eyes close back again

good morning

I once had a dream
where I was told that I was blind,
but I could see just fine

Hello...
Hi...
I um just happen to notice that you're a person. And I also happen to be a person.
By this, I see that we have something in common. **** sapiens, hmm, right?

No?
What do you mean by no?
You aren't a person?
But, but...

those eyes.
That nose,
and those genetics.

You don't associate your self with humans?
Hmmm,
I see.
Well I do,
I guess that means we can't be acquaintances then.
it was nice meeting you.
Good bye for now