I wake up.

My phone is downstairs. It is down there at night because I sleep better when it is not in arm's reach.

I slept 6 hours. I feel great.

I hear my daughter leaving the house for school. That is the sound that springs me out of bed. I put my robe on. It is silk and feels good. I ran downstairs and out the door. I caught her. I told her to have a good day and that I love her.  I gave her the check she needed for school fees.

Whew. I did not **** that up.

I look at the phone....for too long.

I cleaned last night's dinner dishes and talked with my other daughter as she prepared her own lunch. I talked fast. I talked loud. I danced. I felt good for a moment. It is easy to feel good and grounded in children's presence.

I drove her and her friend to dance. I talked and I talked. Were they listening? I don't know.

I said I love you. I always do that.

Is it enough?

I come home and sit in the car...... paralyzed.

I want to ride my bike.

I want to clean out the car.

I want to take a walk with my dog and come home and clean all the dog hair I see.

But I don't. Not yet. Not sure how long it will take.

I might get one of those things done today. It will be a victory and I will beat myself up for it taking as long as it does to do that one thing.

Right now.

I am in the car.

I sit. I feel the tightening of my chest.

I breath.

I tighten.

I breath.

I tighten.

What do I do? How do I start?

Starting is the hardest part.

The phone is such a nice distraction....an hour has gone by maybe more. I don't know.

This is anxiety.

I wake up.