I sit in bed
My head flooded with images of you
You

With your curly brown hair and gorgeous, deep eyes
With your love of coffee and adoration for music

How you play the guitar
How you'd always make me laugh

And last but certainly not least
That smile

I have fallen hard for you and I fear I will not escape the never ending pit

Yet I am not good enough
Not for you
I'm imperfect compared to your cheeky smiles and sense of humor

I'm nothing
Yet you are everything to me

I find myself, soft tears slowly exuding
Because I realize that what I speak is truth,
At least to me

I'm imperfect and you will never love me
I fear...

Every doubt tears me up inside and it's hard to control self deprecation
It takes over me

And I fall into a deep sleep

*Alone

I wish I knew what you thought about at  night,  alone in your bed when the lights are off.
When  the  lights are  off  and I am  alone  in my bed  at  night I  think about  breathing.
I  think about  breathing like I  think about  writing, and when I  think about  writing
I  think  about my  mom. There was a  dip in the  road near my  childhood  home,
and  every time we  drove  over it  she  would go just a  little  too  fast.  Every
time we would  jolt  quickly up and down in our  big grey van. And  every
time the  pit  of my  stomach  would get  lost  somewhere  in  the  road
behind us. It was  always  hard  to  breathe. When the lights are off
and    I  am  alone  in  my bed at  night  I think  about   breathing.
I  close    my   eyes   and    feel   my    chest   rise    and     fall.
I    want    a   rose   and   I  miss   the   fall.  It   was    cool
in      the    fall     and     crisp    and      clear.   I     wonder
what   the  weather  was   like  during  the  Fall  of   the
Roman    Empire?   If   it   was   warmer   or   colder
than    its  Rise?   Why   am  I  so   scared  to   rise?
It  is  easier  to  fall.   Fall   in   love   every   day.
Fall     into     bed.     Fall    asleep.    Fall    into
your      arms.     When     I     fall      in      my
dreams    I    don’t     always    wake    up.  I
don’t   think     that     is    normal.   When
I    fall    in   my   dreams   I   am   given
a     chance      to      reconcile     them.
When   I     fell   in   love   with   you
I  was  not   allowed  this   closure.
But  the  joy  existed  in the   fall,
and    maybe   also  in  the  fact
that  you  wouldn’t  fall. Fall
with  me now. We will rise
together.  But  not  until
the summer sun burns
our eyesand melts
our     bodies.
Unti  l then
let   us
fall.