you, are unpredictable
your voice, easily miss-able
most often, your corrections are merely suggestions
you cannot order people in a language they do not speak,
you cannot translate,
you, cannot, they, cannot, understand

I.
nothing I write about you is, poetry not really
when it's just memories, and it's just words, and I have nothing poetic to say about this and

II.
if I can make it poetry I won't throw up about it but I could never make this poetry

III.
at least 4 years later she asked me why I never told anyone before her. sooner. ever. why I let you go and do it again. and again. why I let you.

IV.
I didn't tell her it was because-
I couldn't remember exactly and,
I didn't know what was wrong exactly and,
I didn't know what she wanted from me in bed exactly and,
she was above me and my heart was in my throat and this is exactly,
why I didn't tell anyone because
I still can't tell myself it wasn't my fault.

I.
it's black and white it's up and down its either or its back and forth

II.
its, no, I'm okay with that, no, I'll scream if you do that, no, that part I like, no, not there, not that direction and it's, too much

III.
it's easier to say no to all than to give everyone your story
when you tell them where the land mines are,
when you tell them where they can't go
and what they can't say
they will want to know why
and why is it okay to do this and not that?
why is it okay if you're in control but too tight a grip on your leg and you'll fall apart?
why is it such a fine line?

IV.
and you have no way to tell them that the line tends to deviate, that some days you have felt safe enough in your body even enough to think that maybe you don't have to be alone but most days you feel so alone in your body and it feels so familiarly sick that you can't even begin to comprehend where it is okay to be touched and what is okay to say and it is easier to say

V.
no

VI.
why wasn't it that easy the first time around?

I.
why do you think you are the exception?

II.
because that's not how the story goes?

III.
because surely that, couldn't have been the right name for it

V.
you can't call it that because you're supposed to remember, if you can't forget it why can't you remember the details? why can't you remember anything except that? why can't you?

VI.
maybe he didn't even know you didn't want that, you never said so, never said no,

VII.
no he never,

IIX.
asked

I.
you are the kind of match that burns for what seems forever

II.
the kind I used to hurt myself with

I.
I tried to kiss the places I'd hurt myself

II.
as an act of calming angry red skin or of belated self love

III.
the smell of burnt flesh was nauseating

I.
all I ever wanted was to not be a regret

II.
you told me I was your favorite mistake like I should be thankful

III.
if you are telling me the truth,
know this;

IV.
no, you may not tell me you regret kissing me,
in the same breath that you ask me to stay