We sit on your porch in silence.
You take a drag.
I take a drag.
You blow the smoke in my face.
I smile.
"How do you feel about the L word?"
I stare back at you.
"I'm madly in it with you."
I smile.
You smile.
I take a drag.
You take a drag.
We sit on your porch in silence.

Before I knew you
There was nothing about you that screamed
"We're meant to be."
But there was something intriguing
(maybe it was the beard, but I don't think so)
Just a stolen glance every now and then
At you
Standing across campus
Smoking a Marlboro and talking with your hands.
I never thought I'd hear you tell me
That you were sad you never noticed me earlier.
I never knew I would be so nervous walking up to you
For our first date.
And I never thought that I would be so calmed at the
fact that you were shaking like crazy.
You were nervous, too.
I didn't believe that anyone could knock down the walls I had built--
They were tall and strong, but you blew them down
Like they were made of thin paper.
I didn't think I'd ever hear you whisper
"you're beautiful"
As you drifted off into sleep.
I didn't think you'd leave so suddenly
Telling me "you'd miss me"
And as you left,
I asked if you thought there was a future for us.
Your response was
"Of course... Who else am I going to do karate in the garage with?"
I didn't know I could fall in love that fast
Or that deep.
Or that I could trust someone with my heart
After what others before you had put it through.
I didn't think we'd ever be more than strangers
But we were.

And that screaming I never heard before?
I hear it constantly now that you're gone.
And since we're being honest here...
I'm worried I'll hear it til you return.

It's not 'cause I still love you.
I don't hate you in the least.
Seeing you with her isn't it,
Not really.
I just like to avoid you.
It's easier that way
For me to go on pretending
That my first other half
Never belonged to you.
Easier to pretend
I didn't ever care.
Easier to pretend
You never existed to me
In the first place.

Feel free to constrict me
Steal my last breath,
Strike at me and
Wrap around me
When I least expect it.
Warm scales on my trembling skin
I promise it won't hurt.
I want it so bad.

If you ask me, blissfulness is completely overrated.
It's a feeling too close to excitement and being giddy,
Except it lasts way longer.
It can be a terrifying feeling.
You feel like you're flying.
And your feet don't feel like they're hitting the ground
When you walk down the street.
You're high.
And you're not in control.
And you can't imagine what life could be like
Without this wonderful sensation coursing through your veins.
And once the feeling is gone,
Your feet feel like cinderblocks on the pavement.
And all you want to do is sleep.
And colors seem less vibrant.
Jokes aren't as funny.
Hugs aren't as warm.
...No...I'd rather feel content.
I find it much more appealing to be
Not completely unhappy,
But not too happy either.
And to feel like myself.
And to be in control.

Not even the birds chirping,
Nor the grass swaying
Can feel the inner warmth
I'm feeling
In this moment.
Just the moon.
'Cause her and I are right up close--
Just happy.

If I promise to fall asleep fast tonight
And wake up early tomorrow,
Will you promise not to be in my dreams?

You cling to the clothes and hair
Of everyone who dares to touch you.
Puffs of white powder
Allowing people to write beautiful things
In solid form.
Leaving pieces of yourself behind
As evidence.