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Samantha Jan 2014
My wrists bleed out cosmos
Supernovas and galaxies
Rest in my bones
I’m weighed down by black holes
My scars connect
Like constellations
Mapping out myths on my skin
I have comets
For eyes
And space debris
For a heart
Gravity has long let me go
Now I float
In an empty outer space
Samantha Jan 2014
His hair curled around my fingers
Soft brown hooks
Catching me off guard
And reeling me in

I can’t remember the color of his eyes
Were they blue
Like the sky just before sunset bleeds?
Were they green
Like the stretches of pastures on the countryside?
Were they brown
Like the heels of my boot?

His smile is permanently
Stuck in my brain
I’ve always adored other people’s smiles
But his shined brighter
Than Orion’s Belt

His laugh still sounds
In my ears
Its like the music that erupts from
His fingertips
He was laughing at his own joke

He was only a dream
An image coughed up by my
Unforgiving subconscious
I dreamt he loved me
But it was only a false alarm
Inspired by Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me by The Smiths
Samantha Jan 2014
I’m a creature of habit
I’m a chameleon that only blends
Into one scene
A horse with blinders on either
Side of my face
Throw me off my orbit
And we’re all ******
Samantha Jan 2014
I say “tomato”
You say “toe-mah-toe”
I say “I want to pierce my nose”
You say “don’t you dare scare that ivory skin”
I say “ I want to be a poet”
You say “but that doesn’t make much income”
I say “I am never having a baby”
You say “you’ll meet a nice man, settle down, and change your mind”
I wear this silver pentacle
Around my throat like a noose
String me up and hang me
Like my sisters from Salem
Condemn me because I don’t fit
In the box labeled “Christian” on your questionnaire
Call me a ****** for finding the beauty in another woman’s curve
Brand me a ***** just for existing
Pull at my heartstrings
Like a puppeteer
Guide my every movement
Cut out my vocal cords and replace them with yours
After all, you know best right
If I dye my hair a color that isn’t
Blonde, black, or brunette
I’ll never land a job
If I don’t quit with this feminist ****
No man will ever want me
You’re only looking out for me right
If you know so much about me
Tell me who I am
Tell me how I felt when I was thirteen
And stealing my brother’s straightedge
To carve Jack-O-Lantern faces into my upper thighs
Tell me how I felt when my mother
Grabbed my cheeks and told me
To pop my pimples
When she asked me if I ever wanted to be beautiful
As if I wasn’t already
Tell me how I felt when I sat across my sister
In a mental hospital
After she gorged herself on unknown pills
And she said
“Don’t ever die. Dying isn’t fun”
Tell me how I felt when my parents
Showered me in gifts
After I finally told them I was depressed
Like they were trying to buy back my happiness
Tell me how I felt when the boy
With the beautiful smile and cigarette stained breath
Stuck his hand into my *******
And whispered
“You know you want it”
Tell me how I felt when my body froze with fear
When early onset rigor mortis snaked through my muscles
When I clamped my knees together
And denied him access to my body
Tell me how I felt when
He pushed his blushing appendage into my mouth
After I said no
And how I felt when I kept my lips sealed
How I let him get away with it
If you are such an expert on my landscape
Pinpoint all my scars and beauty marks and moles
Locate all the intimate areas my fingertips explored
Tell me how often I shave my legs
Tell me how much pride I feel when I remember to put on deodorant in the morning
Draw a map of all my
Forests, canyons, and lakes
Prove to me you really know me
Prove that you’re really looking out for me
Prove your advice
And remember
No good deed goes unpunished
And if you still maintain that you know what's best
Look me in the eyes
And tell me who I am
Samantha Dec 2013
Am I walking on eggshells
Or am I walking on coals?
Are these shards of glass
Wedged into the belly of my foot
Or are these pebbles
That snuck into my shoes
On that one day we
Went to the lake?
The soles of my soul
Have worn away
Leaving black skid marks
On my heels
And blisters on my toes
All because you walk in a run
And I run in a walk
And i just can’t keep up
Samantha Dec 2013
I’ve always been afraid
From the moment
They cut me out of
My poor mother’s stomach
Fear has gripped me
With sharp talons
I came into this world crying
And those tears
Have followed me through life

I have panic disorder
Or at least that’s what the internet says
I fear the day I will be forced
To write poetry
On the back of
Prescriptions
The day I start popping pills
Like candy
Just relieve the stress

I don’t want to smile
With a capsule
Between my teeth
Or let my bloodstream run toxic
But at the same time
I don’t want
My heart to drum
Like my nerves are going to war
And I don’t want to leave the house
Crying

I can practically feel the pill
At the back of my throat
I can feel myself choking
The bitterness turning sweet
As the bile
Rushes to meet my taste buds

Sometimes it feels like
I’m training for battle
Like I’m preparing myself
For bullets of Xanax
And Prozac
I don’t even know what a milligram is

I hear it can result
In memory loss
And bleeding gums
And whether or not these are
Urban legends
I don’t know

I’ve watched
Both my brother and sister
Ingest medication
To chase away the depression
I’ve watched my friends
Swallow sleeping pills
To quiet their thoughts

I wonder how can they do it?
How can they just
Open themselves up to sedation?
Allow themselves to
Let go of the familiar
Sadness and fear

Maybe it’s not that
I’m afraid of the pill
But that I’m more afraid
Of the absence of fear
The dark abyss of numbness
I’ve seen medication
Ruin lives

I don’t want to be another statistic
Another number on paper
I don’t want doctors
Going in and out of my head
As if they were old friends

I just want this
To stop
Samantha Dec 2013
Out of all the gin joints
Classrooms
Bedrooms
Ballrooms
Hospitals
Temples
Minds
Spir­its
Hearts
You had to walk into mine
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