Eighteen months. A year and a half.  The better part of it spent with the other half of us, learning how to put your two lives together.
It's kind of amazing to look back at something great that you created with someone else. To see the up and down parts and how you both reacted and acted.

Eighteen months.

There were times where I maybe should've walked away. When I should've left instead of coming back again and again for more. But love is a funny thing.  It doesn't communicate with your brain. It makes decisions before you have time to think about it.

Eighteen months.

We were on top of the world. It was us against the world. You were mine and I was yours. It was that simple. There wasn't a doubt in my mind when I said I wasn't ever gonna let you go.

One month.

It's been one month since it happened. Since the distance and time have swallowed us up. The end wasn't as simple as we would've liked it to be. But it was the end. The end of something beautiful and worth remembering.

I want you to create a home within me.
My bones will creak and weep like old floorboards, my eyes will shimmer like attic windows and i'll radiate heat like the ancient gas stove.
You can lock the doors to the rooms you don't want to sleep in, you can board the windows to the places of me you want to keep dark.
You can put a Welcome mat on the front porch if you decide you want to share me.
You can paint the walls a new color and put putty in the holes people gave me.
You can make me a vacation home and only visit me when you want, leaving me alone the other three seasons you're gone living your life without a home.
Just whatever you do, don't leave ghosts behind in me.
I want you to create a home within me.

Hold on for me.
Stay just a little longer.
I am not ready for you to go.

Your aging hands are what keeps me here.
Your words are what guide me.
I need you to stay here with me.

I don't want you to go.
There's so much left for me to show you.
Take my hand, let's make another glorious dinner surprise.
Show me the wonders of your garden.

i laid awake that night.
heart in my hand, wondering.

thinking i made a mistake in.
giving you all i had left in me.

i gave you all i had left.
to someday.

to make a life with you.
to build a future with you.

i am not done with the story.
love is not something i leave.

come. build a life with me.
lets fall in love all over again.

Tell me a story where it doesn't end like a fairytale, because I don't believe in happy ever after. I'm done waiting for my prince to come sweep me off of my feet. I don't want to be rescued like some damsel who needs saving from herself. Honestly, you would've thought that they would try to make it not sound like she's broken to the point where someone else needs to fix her. Maybe she just wants to fall in love with someone. Maybe she just wants to fight for that love because that's all she wants. And perhaps there's a chance that she wants to be seen in a different perspective than that of what others put her in. And maybe the ending would be different and more sufficient and worth dreaming of if that were the case.

I took my ring off today.
The worn metal tells a story.
If you listen hard enough, you can hear every emotion experienced in this love.

I took it off because I felt I wasn't good enough to wear it.

I wasn't proud to be your girl. I wasn't feeling like I deserved you.

I put it back on because I don't want anyone else.
I want you.

But I'm scared in the end, you will decide I'm no longer worth it.

hello anxiety my old friend.
been awhile since i've given into my old ways.
kinda strange, to be standing on your doorstep.
woulda thought i'd find somewhere else to be.

wild thoughts running through my head.
and i, i didn't even think you still cared for me.
truth is, i'm not the same person i was months ago,
and you, you probably will never believe that ever.

my world has shrunk again, and i gotta get out of here.
desperate for something to balance me once more.
i can't help but cling to the same draining thoughts.
i can't help but close myself off from the entire world.

hello anxiety my old friend.
are you here to once more throw everything in my face?
you're desperate to prove to me that i'll never change.
you've torn everything apart and blame me.

take my hand, love, and just give me some clarity.

and a year has flown by.
kisses and racing hearts and sparkling eyes.
laughter and raised voices and growth.
lonely nights turned into late night talks.
where holding each other was a promise.
mornings filled with humor and glee.
sleepy kisses and fingers intertwined.
it’s a good love we’ve created together.
the “windows down radio up”kinda love.
the “pull you closer at night”kinda love.
the“wanna marry you now”kinda love.
we push each other’s buttons sometimes.
we sleep far away in the same bed too.
we don’t let anger rule the evenings.
come morning, we’re curled up together again.

I replayed the words I threw at you and wish to holy hell that I could take them back.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was trying to make it look like everything was sunshine and daisies but it's not.
I'm fine and I'm happy but my world is shaking around me.
My best friend wants to **** himself and I can't seem to talk him down from it.
But I'm doing fine.

hey you. been a minute since i spoke to your ghost. since i trailed my fingers across my skin, pretending it was you. since I played June on my record player. your smile plays in my head. eyes smiling at me from across the room. you loved me with all you had. and honey we loved fiercely and desperately. i know it was hard for you. hard for me and hard for us. we did our best. heaven knows i still love you. we did all we could. and at some point, we had to step back. you're lovely. you're compassionate and you love fiercely without hesitation. this is on me. i did this. i wrecked us. I'm sorry. god knows how I long to call you mine again. come back. run your fingers down my spine. tell me your deepest longings.

I heard your name again, slipping out of a friend's mouth.
I had to take a second and confirm that it was indeed your name.
For a split second, the world stopped, started, stopped again and started again.
Breathing became complicated for moment, and then it straightened out.
Why should I care that you're still around?
It's not like we talk and I haven't seen you for three years.
Guess I forgot that you even existed, let alone still live in this town.
You haven't crossed my mind since you went off on me and we ceased existing to the other.
I got so busy with my own life that I forgot that you were alive, and I was startled to hear your name on someone else's lips.
Congratulations on still existing and I wish you the best, even though I know I'll never talk to you again.

All I remember is holding your hand, wrinkled but strong and sturdy.
A smile on your face, and tears of pride in your eyes.
Endless support and love is all I've ever known from you.
Never once have you let me fall down on my own.
And you've been fighting this battle on your own, but don't forget that I've been holding your hand the entire time.
So here's to a lifetime of love and happiness between us.
I'm blessed to be your granddaughter.

i danced back and forth, looking for a way out.
searching desperately for an escape.
i can feel my skin growing cold.
my nerves are all over the place.

please. don't touch me. i'm fragile.

i've loved you. since the day i met you.
butterflies in my throat. stumbling.
over words i. didn't know how to say.
farewell love. please don't go forever.
i still want you. but you don't want me.
and did you ever love me. the same.
way i love you. i stand on my own now. i lean on others. but i want you.
farewell love. thank you for it all.

You left in the morning, not a single sound in the room.
I watched the door close and my love fall away.
Mm darling you never really could make up your mind.

Come home back to the arms that held you all night,
Come back to the hands that fit so **** right.
Come back, and I'll never let you go again.
Come home and let's try it again.

That's all I hear in my head as these months have gone by.
But you find yourself looking in at the scene taking place.
Just a bystander for once, and not the lead in the play.

I'd love to sit and talk with you.
But you're a hundred miles away.
Even though you're right beside me.

They said you'd be better now.
But I don't believe the doctors these days.
They said they had a treatment for you.
But what good is the treatment if you ain't getting better?

I've been rereading the words that you've sent me; stumbling over phrases and going in circles around sentences.
Your words at best once flooded my being. At worst, they tore me down after building me up.
Unpredictable love, you're unpredictable.
You pull me in and pique my curiosity and reel my heart in with I love you and then toss me aside.
I'm not good enough but you say I love you, yet what you really mean is that I'm not good enough for you.
Hey, I don't take it personally and maybe that's because I'm used to it.
I'm no stranger to your patterns and antics and behaviors.
I know you better than most anyone.
And I'm a fool for wearing my heart on my sleeve and being honest with you.
I should've known better than to give you an opportunity to build me up and tear me down.
But hey, that don't do anything to me.
You can't break a heart that was never yours to begin with.

And she breathed life into the trees and they lifted her up, passing her through their intertwined branches.

She was a child of the earth, and a princess of the forest.

And she dipped a hand into the water, and the droplets collected on her hand, caressing her skin.

She was a child of the earth, and a lady of the water.

And some nights I lay by you.

Listening to you try to make me understand.

Entertaining the thought of you with someone else.

Kissing someone else and doing all the things you did with me with them.

And you swear that you're mine and mine alone.

Darling forgive me if I have reservations around this whole thing.

We made a promise and a commitment to each other.

Why else would I have said yes?

Why the hell am I wearing this ring if you're still looking for satisfaction in someone else?

I thought things would be different between us when I moved in with you.

Guess I thought wrong.

it's cold outside and I can't sleep. hard not to get stuck in the cycle of thinking that I'm nobody in this city. hard not to think that I'll never be good enough for someone, that all I'll ever be will only ever be defined by what I've done in the past, and not by what I'm doing now.

I've tried running from my past, and it didn't work. I'm facing who I used to be, and I've been working and taking steps to be different and change the way I go about life. I don't smoke as much and I don't drink as much either. but I also don't do yoga. I also don't go for walks by myself and I don't do half the things I used to do when I wasn't doing well. nobody's to blame but me. And I sure wish people would stop judging my person by the things I've done in the past. I'm trying to get better, stop being so mean.

And it's 1.20 in the morning and I can't sleep. I can't shake the feeling that I'll never be enough for anyone around me. I can't shake the thoughts running through my head, clashing against the ones that tell me to keep going. I keep a light on at night, afraid that if I let the darkness swallow me, I'll never arise from the depression that constantly surrounds me. and I don't talk to people about what's really going on because nobody can really help me. you can't save me. I have to do that on my own.

and because of how I've been treated in the past, I'm less likely to reach out and ask someone directly and clearly for help. I would rather lightly vent and then deal with it on my own. because the last time I asked someone close to me for help, they gaslighted me and made it so bad that I honestly thought suicide was my only way out of the hell I was living.

and maybe I look and seem fragile and weak and naive and oblivious to the world around me, but truth is, I notice and I see and I hear just about everything around me. I see the way people look at me, before they know my past and after they learn it. their looks go from sweet and understanding to wary and distrustful. they treat you less like a person and more like unwanted lettuce they don't want in their salad. they say they understand and want to help you move through it, but really they don't want that burden.

They'll swear that they love you no matter what, and then later they'll say sorry, but your past is unforgivable. And you'll say that it's ok, you're used to people leaving you, but in reality, it hurts so bad, you can't tell what hurts more, them leaving, or the harsh reality that nobody is going to ever love you unconditionally.

Love is not unconditional. It always comes with a price, and often the cost of love is a price nobody ever wanted to pay. they say that love is the answer, but it's what kills us in the end. and you might want him to stay forever, but do you really think you can handle paying the price that his love costs? and when he says he'll love you at no price, forever, don't take his word for it. because even though he says it in the beginning, he'll change his mind, and you'll be stuck paying the price while he gets to walk away with barely a scratch on him.

And darling, you know I'm not coming home with you tonight.
And darling, you know our story's gotta end here, at our feet.
I know, I can feel your heart breaking alongside mine.
Please don't cry, I can't keep a strong front when your tears are mixing with my own.

When she says she's staying for good, don't take it for granted.
When she says you're her world, don't take it at face value.
Cause she don't gotta promise anything to you.
She just has to be able to prove it as well.

We don't fit and believe me, I wish to we did.
You make me smile and god knows you have my heart and I have yours.

Darling, wait for me, I'm coming home to you.
Darling, our story don't have to end here, not like this.
I know, my heart's pounding in my chest, same tempo as yours.
Please tell me you feel the same; I can't imagine life without you.

Darling, I'm coming home to you.
Darling, I love you.
I love you.

Congratulations, got what you wanted
You're winning now
Congratulations, you got your shot in
You wore me down
And I really don't think you get it now
No, I really don't think you get it now
It's killing me, I admit it now
Congratulations, you tore my heart out
Congratulations

I hid my country roots away from you.
With a sigh reaching to my toes, I hung up my hat and put away my boots.
I thought if I changed, it would be better for us.
I laid my heart out for you, and it was the most vulnerable action I've ever taken.
I'm made of iron and toughened leather. I'm not supposed to cry over a broken heart. And now I gotta find a way to heal this Texan's heartache and find the tough cowgirl underneath. The one who only shows true emotional moments when she's alone with her horse. The one who guards her heart fiercely.

it's been mere hours since you and I.
mere minutes since we parted ways.
pull me in and push me away you do.
love me and touch me then disappear.

baby, you know I'll love you always.
even if we never cross paths again.
love, my love, we'll meet once again.
and maybe in dreams we'll find love.

it wasn't meant to be, and that's okay.
just know that you're worthy of love.
you're sweet and kind and caring.
you're nothing short of beautiful.

I know you burned my memory the day you walked away.  Wasn't too hard to see from my view. I could hear the one sided conversation you were having with yourself.

Guess you got tired of fighting the storms for me. You wanted something more than what I could give you.

I have bruises on my shins from falling down on my way to you. My arms are battered and bleeding from the mudslide that are the walls surrounding you. But I've enough strength to do one more dance with you.

My stomach is aching from me doubled over in pain. My throat is hoarse from screaming your name. But I've enough breath to ask you for forgiveness.

My eyes hurt from looking through millions of people trying to find you. My cheeks are stained from a thousand tears.

My chest is hollow from the words you said when you left.

The worst blow I took from you wasn't really from you. But. From myself.

I have blisters on my feet. Too many to count. But they're all from what we were and what we became.

I have blisters on my feet from dancing with your ghost.

Sometimes I stay awake and I try to find the words to tell you how I really feel.
And sometimes when I try to say them, it all comes out wrong.
It's kinda like having a thought in your head.
You have it, then you lose it on the tip of your tongue and stumble over the words, feeling like the world's biggest fool.
And tonight I feel like nothing is making sense right now.
I can't place why I ever stopped looking for them when the answers were staring me in the face.
You try and be a stronger person, trying to protect yourself  from a mother who can't stop drinking and popping pills and smoking whatever she could get her hands on.
You try and be the best daughter your parents could ask for.
You try and work double shifts, doing things that nobody ever asked you to do.
Try and work yourself till you can't breathe, smell or hear almost anything.
You know what's funny?
Having a mom who tells you she's sorry, that she'll try harder and then time and time again screws you over with every lie.
You put on a brave face and act like nothing ever happened between you and her.
You try to maintain that mask, and then, when nobody sees, try holding back the tears and pent up emotion that's been in store.
I dare you to try doing that and then maybe you will see how hard I really tried to be strong.
But everybody thought I couldn't be fazed by anything, that I was fine, all the time.
But I'm not as bulletproof as you think; I'm just human and sometimes I break when I fall down.
I, the unbreakable girl, broke; behind walls that were already down, outside of a mask that I forgot to wear.
So, not everything is good as you think it to be.
But every day, I get a little bit stronger.
Every day, I get a little bit stronger.

Dear stranger

It’s been two years since we’ve last spoken. And seven years since we started existing to the other. I can still remember clearly the first time we met. You were wearing overalls with a paint stained tank top, grey leggings and converse. Your hair was pulled back into a hasty ponytail and your hands were covered in paint. You loved to paint.
I remember how your room was covered in various works of art, and a variety of different boxes of tea had been stacked on the top shelf of a bookshelf that was closest to the doorway. You had always talked about doing art shows, in the hopes of one day making money off your art.
The first time you entered in the very first art show, I remember how ecstatic you were, and the underlying currents of nervousness in your voice as you called me to share the news. You didn’t end up selling any of your pieces, but you were proud that you went out of your comfort zone with your art.
I remember the last fight we had, and I can distinctly recall feeling hurt, betrayed, sad, mad and confused afterwards. I didn’t understand how you could be friends with someone and then have the nerve to lie to their face, as if it didn’t matter how they were affected by your actions. I just wish that you had just told me the truth: you didn’t want to be friends anymore. I would’ve understood that and nothing would have blown up if that was what had happened instead.
I’m probably never going to say this to you, and that’s okay. I needed to get it on paper so that I could let it go and continue on with my life. We’ve gone our separate ways, and sometimes friends do that. I can only hope that we can come face to face once again and not stir up the past.

Sincerely,
A mutual connection

intertwine your fingers in mine.
brush your lips over my cheek.
run your eyes over my being.

lay next to me and please don't leave.
promise me this is what we deserve.
that you and me are gonna last.

this is what I've been looking for.
someone to call my own.
a love that i've been denied.

scorned by an ex lover, i'm broken.
and you say i'm still flawless.
deprived of kindness, i'm scared.
you move slowly with me, and love me.

i love you, you wonderful kind man.
you and i fit so well together.
let's keep doing this forever please.

he says he's sorry for all the pain he's caused.
on his knees, he begs for forgiveness.
she, a fool, absolves him of his sins.
he, ignorant of her innocence, tears her heart apart again.

your words don't mean anything anymore, darling.
apologies dripping from your saccharine lips.
say you've seen the light and you're a brand new person.
doesn't change anything, sorry.

doesn't change anything, sorry

i'm not a child anymore.
you can't fool me into believing you care for me.

doesn't change anything, sorry.

last night i dreamed that i was all alone again.
standing in the sand, i watched the water carry you away.
i scrambled to find a hold in the grains, but i tumbled down the dunes.
i heard the seagulls crying, mourning the same loss as i.

that morning, i buried my broken and bleeding heart.
i dug a hole so deep, not even i could rescue and revive it.
shoulders slumped, i walked on glass, my back turned on my sorrow.
i awoke with tears in my eyes, and a ball of dread so big that i felt sick.

Don't hold your breath.
I'm done fighting for life.
Thank you love for being here.
You were a constant in my life.

Tell the ones around you that you love them.
A day may come where you're unable to do that

Love, you couldn't save me even if you wanted to.

See you on the other side my love.
Maybe it'll be better this time around.
Who knows, we're pretty great in my dreams.

I'll see you in my dreams.

He was so young..too young to have his life taken away from him. My heart hurts for the loss of such a lovely person such as Elijah.

Rest in peace, my dear friend.

Thoughts have been swirling around in my head, making it hard for me to think straight. And lately, the last words from you keep circling my mind. And I've never actually said this or really followed through with it: I'm done. I'll give you space and time to heal. I don't want you on the corner of my life or even on the edge of my thoughts. So right here and right now, I'm putting a clear wall between you and I.
I care about you, but I can't heal with you on my mind or on the frayed edges of my life.
So like I said before, this is the last time I write about you and I. Our story ends here.

me and you. two things that maybe.
shouldn't be. a love that i want.
but a love that might never be.
i'll fight till i can't stand on my own.
i'll fight till my voice is gone.
if you tell me to go, i'll go.
i won't make you stay if you don't.
but. sometimes i doubt myself.
as if maybe i'm not enough for you.
even though you tell me otherwise.
i'll still wonder if i'm enough.

Intertwine your life with mine. Sleepy mornings filled with love. Wrap your arms around me and I’m complete again. Whisper your deepest  desires in my ears. I’ll wake you with a cup of coffee in bed. come home from work late. I’ll run into your arms as if you’ve been gone for days. a life with you is all I’ve ever wanted. I’m in love with the deepest parts of your soul. Love, this the fairytale ending I’ve been looking for.

She fell down and shattered on the ground.
The pieces of her love and beauty got absorbed into the earth.
And the stars stood witness to the passing of an angel.
The trees held guard over her body.
And the rest of the world waited on the day she'd awake and fill the world up with her light.

The stories I've written about you.
The unrealities I've imagined about you.
The person you say you are.
The parts of you that you hide away-or try to hide away from me.
The "I love you" and "I'll be a better father from now on"
The bottles laying around in your apartment.
The muddled words and swirling of thoughts and feelings.
Empty promises of sobriety fall on deaf ears and a stone cold guarded heart.
Father.
..Father.
Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.
But you are a father before all of that.
You are my father.

Flutters. Butterflies when you text me.
Something in your voice pulls me in
Love. This is for real this time.
Hold me tightly and don't let go.

Sometimes love really amazes you. Sometimes you fall in love with someone and time just flies past the two of you. And one month turns into six and a year turns into five.
And there's nothing you wouldn't do for him. And nothing could ever tear you two apart.
Five years ago, I was just sitting by him, trying to get out the words to tell him I didn't want to live. And he pulled me up and said he wasn't going anywhere. I didn't think he'd keep that promise. We had no idea that we would make it this far and still be in love with each other. He's been by my side always. He kissed my cheek and said I was beautiful when I hated my body.
Five years we've stuck together. Five years of never ending love and respect and loyalty. Five years of laughter, smiles, goofy grins, jokes. Five years of being the other half of each other.
Baby you're my forever and always.

Words running through my head. Words I probably should've said.
What's wrong with me.
What's wrong with me.
I hate you but I wish I didn't. I'm mad as hell and I wish I wasn't.
Where is the forgiveness in me.
Where is the forgiveness in me.
I'm looking inside myself and reaching for something I can't find. Bits and parts of someone who can say those words of forgiveness and healing.
I can't forgive this.
I can't forgive this.
I want to believe you've changed. Even though I know you won't.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
It's not your fault that I've been slowly becoming a different version of the girl I used to be. It's not your fault that you haven't found what you're looking for.
I forgive me.
I forgive me.

I guess i didn't think i'd even be here again, pleading for another chance.
but. the words i say don't match what i feel.
on my knees. tears in my eyes. i tell you to stay. but i'm already gone.
love you called it love as you watched my heart break.
love you called me love as you let us slip through the cracks.

you and i. we're separate people. different worlds. different lives.
you and i. spend too much air fighting with the other.

mama forgive me. i drank my sorrows again.

father forgive me. for i have sinned once again.

i broke my own heart trying to fix what may never be whole again.

forgiveness. a word I never thought to apply to the years we spent together. forgiveness. the things you did, the words I said. there’s a million excuses I could give to justify why I never did it. there’s a hundred thousand reasons why I should. healing. we had our own ways of trying to heal ourselves and we hurt each other in the process. healing. the damage that was done in the process is something I’ll never forget. there’s a lot of things I could say to explain away why I blamed you for the pain I was in. and there’s so many reasons why I never showed up to apologize for the way things ended. acceptance. one day I’ll be able to look you in the eye and be okay. acceptance. maybe someday you won’t be a stranger in the same sense. forgiveness. i forgive you. forgiveness. i forgive you.

Come into the light so I can run my eyes over you.

Come closer to me so I can feel your skin against mine.

I don't care about your weaknesses enough to stop loving you because of your flaws.

You saw past the scars and the sad eyes and self loathing looks at my body.

As far as I'm concerned, this love is for real.

This love is for keeps.

I keep telling myself that it's better that we don't talk anymore. It's been about a year and a half since we last spoke and all I can think is how much I want to take the damning words I said back. But I can't. What's been said can't be unsaid and what's been done is done. Now all we can do is make the most out of life on our own. We were friends for six years and now we're strangers. Feels a little strange, don't you think? I hope that you're doing okay. I wish you the best and maybe we'll cross paths and start talking again. And until then, I hope your life is all you want it to be.

I used to think about ya all the time. Used to have my head in the clouds, always replaying our words.
You were still such a huge part of me then. I'd go to sleep with the feeling of you next to me. Ghost, my ghost, where'd you go? I can't find you in the tangled sheets next to me. I used to tell myself that it was a dream and I'd wake up any moment and we'd be just fine. I was lying to myself. But I tried to think otherwise. Ghost, my ghost, where'd you go? Think I left you behind along with the broken bits of me.
I keep searching for something that I can't reach.
I keep looking for something that is no longer there.

i
lay awake at night with your words in my head.
And wait. for the pounding silence to slip away.

it's not as if this happens every day.
but sometimes it's as if i can't help myself.

i swear on my heart that I'm happier than I've ever been.
smiling comes easy as breathing these days.

and a faint yet genuine smile curves my mouth every time.
every time my eyes slip over those words written on paper.

i will not let myself slip and fall because of those words.

i will not take one step backwards.

Every word written on that card; did ya mean any of it?
Everything that came out of your mouth; were ya being honest?
All of it; is there a reason I should or shouldn't believe it?

I want so bad to believe in you.
What I wouldn't give to hear you say you love me and actually believe it.
What I'd **** to have you tell me something honest and selfless.

You say you know I'm angry right now, and you hope I forgive you one day.
It's not about forgiveness; it's about honesty and trust.
If I can't trust you, I won't be forgiving you anytime soon.

But I want so bad to have you in my life again.
To talk to you about my day and to hear your advice about the guy I like.
What I wouldn't do to trust you again.

What this girl would give to have her momma come back to her for real this time.

And this is the last time I'll ever see you or talk to you.

I've had enough of this life.

I'm ending it once and for all.

Goodbye, love

Hope we meet again in another life.