Sometimes I stay awake and I try to find the words to tell you how I really feel.
And sometimes when I try to say them, it all comes out wrong.
It's kinda like having a thought in your head.
You have it, then you lose it on the tip of your tongue and stumble over the words, feeling like the world's biggest fool.
And tonight I feel like nothing is making sense right now.
I can't place why I ever stopped looking for them when the answers were staring me in the face.
You try and be a stronger person, trying to protect yourself  from a mother who can't stop drinking and popping pills and smoking whatever she could get her hands on.
You try and be the best daughter your parents could ask for.
You try and work double shifts, doing things that nobody ever asked you to do.
Try and work yourself till you can't breathe, smell or hear almost anything.
You know what's funny?
Having a mom who tells you she's sorry, that she'll try harder and then time and time again screws you over with every lie.
You put on a brave face and act like nothing ever happened between you and her.
You try to maintain that mask, and then, when nobody sees, try holding back the tears and pent up emotion that's been in store.
I dare you to try doing that and then maybe you will see how hard I really tried to be strong.
But everybody thought I couldn't be fazed by anything, that I was fine, all the time.
But I'm not as bulletproof as you think; I'm just human and sometimes I break when I fall down.
I, the unbreakable girl, broke; behind walls that were already down, outside of a mask that I forgot to wear.
So, not everything is good as you think it to be.
But every day, I get a little bit stronger.
Every day, I get a little bit stronger.

Congratulations, got what you wanted
You're winning now
Congratulations, you got your shot in
You wore me down
And I really don't think you get it now
No, I really don't think you get it now
It's killing me, I admit it now
Congratulations, you tore my heart out
Congratulations

I wish I could say that I'm overjoyed that you talked to me again, but I know that we can't ever talk again. There's no way that this will ever leave us in one piece. I'm just gonna end up hurting you again. I can't take that chance. It's better this way, I promise. You're better off with me not in your life. So please take care of yourself. I wish you all the best.

I still see you everywhere I go. Your voice still sounds in my head. I can't help but make my decisions based on what you might say or think if you were here. Can't help but think that everything I do is because my inspiration was you. I can't help but feel as if who I've become and who I am is from the strength and support and love you've showed and given me.

You know, I never stopped believing in you. I never, for a minute, stopped thinking and believing that you'd be the one who'd make the world a better place.

I've been on my knees, praying that I stumble upon the opportunity to tell you I'm sorry and to say all that I need to say.

Love is complicated and messy. I wish it were simple and you could fall out of love as easily as you fell in love with someone. I wish I could move on and give my all to someone else. I'd be lying if I said I gave my all to the other guy.

God knows I'm still in love with you.

Heaven help me, because I know I'll spend my life in love with the guy who'll never love me again.

Heaven help me because I'm in love with a guy who'll never be mine again.

Heaven help me.

Voicemail. You left a voicemail. No card. Nothing. You didn't even try to call again to see if I could answer the phone.

How can you live like that? You're my mother. I wanted to hear your voice on my birthday and all I got was a voicemail.

Three years we haven't talked, and I'm not sure I want to break that now.

I guess I'm not surprised you haven't changed at all.

I guess I hoped to get a friendly word from you.
Anything. Maybe even a " happy birthday" from you.

Nothing. Not a sound or a word.

Anything from you would've made my day. Coming from you, anything would've meant everything and more.

I wish you'd talk to me now and then.

Wish we could exchange friendly words and everything would be alright..

I replayed the words I threw at you and wish to holy hell that I could take them back.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was trying to make it look like everything was sunshine and daisies but it's not.
I'm fine and I'm happy but my world is shaking around me.
My best friend wants to **** himself and I can't seem to talk him down from it.
But I'm doing fine.