she cried over an unrequited love.

sitting in a car
two cokes in the cup holder
too busy wondering how I got here
because you're so much cooler and older
we've  stopped the car but the music playing
I'm finding it hard focusing on what you're saying
I'm too busy looking at your lips
we both reach for our drinks,
brushing fingertips
you look at me in a way you haven't before
I don't feel like such a little girl anymore
I hear the sound of your seat belt unbuckle
I can feel our bodies getting at a closer angle
and we kissed in a car heatedly
only stopping for breaths repeatedly
and once we broke we were both breathing heavily
I looked into your brown eyes
they remind me of dark nights
but I didn't feel alone
I kissed you and felt at home.

Promises have always been something I'm good at keeping
Because I like their sanctity of meaning
But there's one promise I couldn't hold true
I said I would always be here for you
I didn't realize it would turn out this way
I didn't know that all this **** would go down and the hurt would stay
I lasted a long time I swear.
I waited and waited endured and cared
But I couldn't do it anymore
Deleted your number, changed the lock on the door.
You were the one promise I couldn't keep
Something that feels like defeat
But when I really look at it I think it's a win
Because now without you I can begin again.

my indifference will be the end of me
either caring too much, or  not enough
there is rarely an inbetween
I lead a life of who cares and doesn't matter
when asked my opinion it's I have one or the latter
because in the grand scheme
most of these things are just things
we put so much importance on things twenty
years from now will just be a memory
so put all the blame on me, I will accept
that I am too indifferent for this life, except
when I find something that matters to me
things that don't have much stress in society
in a world of superficials and materials
it's very hard to find what is real
real and tangible, versus human and socially constructed
beauty, marriage, morals all things that need to be destructed
as things things that are inherent and what one does
so please blame me for my indifference
because I've had enough

I was called shameless the other day
they certinaly meant it positively
but I wasn't quote sure what it means
especially in regard to me
I've done some thing my life
I've definitely crossed some lines
both things that I'm not proud of
but at the same time they re a part of me
they are my history
so  I looked up shameless in the dictionary
braze, barefaced, unblushing,unashamed
I suppose that is me because shame is a game that I do not play
I'll say whatever I want to say
I'll never say anything I don't feel
Because all I want in life is to be real
to be the best me that I can be
because it's a **** shame to be anything else
so I'll be brazen and they may not like it
but that's their problem and not mine
I'm barefaced, they'll say I'm out of my mind
I am unblushing, my cheeks show no red
I am unashamed of the things I've said
I am shameless and I am myself

I like to drink poison for fun
I just need another night, just one
so I can remember the feel of your fingertips
without alcohol on my lips

I like to make my lungs burn
each inhale is another lesson learned
that I'm trying to forget
no matter of drugs or drinks
will bring you back to me

smoke rings in the dark
different liquors, shot after shot
I hope my insides rot

I wish you were by my side
finding comfort in sleep when you sigh
but instead my sheets are cold
and this burning hurt is getting old

sometimes, I almost call you
I don't have the nerve,
I know what you would do
you would ignore me just like you used to

my drunken self feels so light
my memory is stuck on that last night
you told me that you found someone new
that I deserved someone better than you
and that surely I'd find someone again soon

it's been six months now
no one here to comfort me
because it's something I won't allow
never tell a girl who loves you to find better
they'll just end up intoxicated and bitter

I was so young,
I thought I knew it all.
But it wasn't long,
Before I found out I was wrong.

I did what I wanted without a doubt,
They say actions are louder than words.
And my actions were definitely loud.
I was determined to stand out in the crowd.

When I was younger I thought I ruled the land.
I wouldn't give a dime to be in those days again.
The town was small, but I lived large.
Life was my stage, and I was in charge.

I look at those days now and couldn't believe myself.
I took the yearbooks off the shelf.
Reminiscing my past friends and loves.
All the signatures in the pages.
I put them back when I had enough.

Sometimes I like to live in my past.
The great memories and the trouble I caused.
But you can't stay there,
You can't put life on pause.
Sometimes I like to live in my past.
Just sitting and remembering living young and dying fast.