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Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I'm tired of writing things like this
But you're killing me
I needed you back
If not only for a bit
I needed you to take things slow
Instead you're head over heels for someone new
You replaced me in such a cruel way,

Last words to me were about our commitment
The next ones were directions for me to forget us ever being together again
Here I am crying so many ******* tears again
I thought this was done
Apparently I don't know what I can handle
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
Dear Girl,
I really really love you, yes I do.
Not like it used to be, I'm no longer "in love",
It's something different, that I'd never felt before,
But I really really love you,
Dear Girl.

Dear Girl,
I really really mean it, yes I do.
Not "in love" like I used to be, I'm something else,
It's so strange, and I've never felt it before,
But I really really love you,
Dear Girl.

Dear Girl,
I really really mean it, yes I do.
Not like I used to be, I've changed a whole lot,
It's different, my heart doesn't want "in love",
But I really really love you,
Dear Girl.

Dear Girl,
This poem was a long time coming,
But I wrote the story when I didn't know how to be me,
Now wrote the poem when I grew some brains,
But I always really loved you,
Dear.

Sweet Girl,
You didn't deserve those late nights,
Where I killed your insides, when I made you cry and cry and cry,
They made you love me less, they made you numb, and you fell out of love,
But I really really loved you,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
I've never been anything you deserve,
You had to pick me up off the floor, and it was more than you needed,
You pieced me together, but the person before you, she sabotaged me,
I had a destruct button you couldn't see,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
Neither of us saw it,
We both thought I'd healed, from the awful things that happened to me,
You didn't get to see, but the person you were, you stayed with me,
When I became a nuclear disaster,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
I try not to blame,
But you'll never understand how your mother was the Tsunami and Earthquake, and I was Fukushima,
We both didn't see it, but I was a nuclear plant, and meltdown waiting to happen,
The damage was too great, that June,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
I never understood,
Even my own actions, because I loved you from the start, and I don't know what happened to me,
But in times before you, people built me, and you just became the new plant operator,
You didn't know I was so unsafe,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
Nuclear plants are rather safe,
They just can't handle Tsunamis and Earthquakes, because they're made of materials that crack,
Under that kind of stress, I didn't just crack, I crumbled, I began melting down,
But you didn't know and I'm sorry,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
You've been through a lot,
The Tsunami was hard, but you didn't know about the radiation, that it would destroy you,
You were mutated by the horrible conditions you had to live through,
But you didn't know and I'm so very sorry,
Sweet Girl.

My love,
You didn't know it,
But we were both reactors waiting to blow, disasters waiting to happen, to cause destruction,
We mutated each other until we didn't even know who we were,
I'm so very sorry, so so sorry,
My love.

Poor Girl,
I really really try today, yes I do.
Not like I used to try, but now I try to be strong, and not a nuclear reactor but more like carbon fiber,
But carbon fiber is brittle, since you killed me inside,
But I forever love you,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
You've cleared your rubble,
Growing to be the most amazing and beautiful of skyscrapers, you're an inspiration for the world, you know,
You're so much different, standing taller than you'll ever know,
But skyscrapers can fall too,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
You make yourself content,
Being alone, you tell yourself that alone doesn't mean lonely,
That you find peace in the solitude,
But solitude is an empty thing,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
We can pick each other up,
You don't even know, it's not the same kind of picking up that we tried before,
This picking up can only go up,
Because we don't even care to feel sad anymore,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
You don't even know, how much I want to kiss you,
But it's different than before, it's more like the kisses mothers give to children,
When their children are crying, the kind of kisses that make great statements and tell stories,
The stories only kisses can give,
My girl.
Sam Conrad Mar 2014
Will you do me a favor
And do her a favour
Just take me away?

Will you promise to come sooner
And take me to hell
Where I'll finally have something capable of distracting me?

This girl doesn't want me.
I don't want me either...
I've lived a full enough life.
Too full, I'm spilling all over.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I have such a debilitating pain
You helped me deal with it so well
Where are you?
I miss you.
I'm so lonely with out you.

But, I have a debilitating Central Nervous System Disorder, and

My arms, I just want to make them disappear
My legs, they feel like I need to cut them off, they ache so badly
Want to sever my limbs by any means necessary because they hurt me so badly...
My chest, I get rather short of breath, like I just ran a marathon
My back aches like I've been hit with a baseball bat

It is actually quite like you'd feel, after running a marathon, except I don't get better;

Then now,
You're not here to be the pills that ease my pain
You're not here to be the relief when I just want to cry
You're not here to cuddle and comfort me anymore-
Oh wait, I'll have to finish this later

I have a brother screaming at me
I have parents calling me lazy
They don't understand my awful, awful pain
I have new medication to take your place
But sometimes I take too much
My body aches so badly sometimes. Combine it with the heartache I must bear sometimes simultaneously, and I feel that my days roaming this earth this way will be very limited...

I just had the worst anxiety attack of the week smack in the middle of one of my bouts...

Sometimes I'm sick enough to hope this disease gets worse and kills me. You made me forget.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
That button doesn't do much for someone else's mind.
Goes both ways.
Wreck me more, I deserve it.
Just take me to the recycling center afterwards
And I'll pray
Not to be sold as scrap metal.
Worthless
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I once tried to get drunk off of hand sanitizer
On a bad night when I yelled at you
After you seemed to fall asleep
But I think it was the night you relapsed

How else would I know
How Purell tastes?
Sam Conrad Jun 2015
My grandpa died last September
A new girl has come and gone much the same as the girl I was hung up on before
Something tells me I'm not alright
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I used to think thesaurus was a name for a type of dinosaur.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Both our views are distorted
You took some things I said the wrong way
Other things I said were just plain bad

There are so many things I need to tell you
But you won't listen to me
It's lovely when people play mind games with someone

It was wonderful what your parents did to me
That wonderful day in June
I almost committed suicide in my grandmother's basement

I made your life hell after that day
**** me

What's really ****** up though
Is how when I told you
It was horrible what your parents did to me

You took it like I said your parents were horrible
But what you didn't see
Was how I tried to respect their crazy antics

Even after they bullied me
More than kids ever could have
When I was beaten up and spit on
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Don't.
Don't bother.
Don't bother to care.
Don't bother to care enough to talk.
Don't bother to care enough to talk to someone like me.
Don't bother to care enough to talk to someone like me who will love you regardless of what you say.
This line is missing.
This line is missing.
This line is missing.
Don't bother.
Don't.
It seems I only understand the kind of values that come in children's math books.

"With walls built up around us, the bricks make me nervous...they're only so strong though, yes, they're only so strong though"
Death Cab For Cutie - "Home Is A Fire"
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
Listen children,
Don't ever be me.
Like those motivational speakers who overcame applying liberal methamphetamine,
Or those speakers who robbed people at gunpoint, they come in to tell you what not to do?
Don't ever be me.

Why?
I'm horrible, that's why.

Why am I horrible?
Because I'm horrible.
Wait, no I'm not.
Yes I am.
No I'm not.
Yes I am.

Just, don't ever be me.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Do you even know what its like
I'm suffering
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
She says I'm great
She says I'm her best friend
She says I know her better than she does

Just to tell me

"I don't think I can have you around"

To tell me

She can't stand me

When I'm telling her

She's beautiful

As a person

That she's smart

That she's goodhearted

That I'll always love her because

She's a good person

Because

Apparently

She can't "go back to yesterday"

She's such a genius it seems

How much can I say to build him up

To make him hurt again

So I can have another excuse to claim

It's his fault I'm hurting

So I can hurt him

To prove I'm really not good

So I can call myself horrible

And stop him from calling me good

Just because he needs to stop
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Each breath I take is just a little bit harder...
My throat is closing up...
I'm gasping...
Sinking...
Sinking...
The sinking feeling is drowning me...
Help, I scream, help!
Sinking...to the bottom...
Drowning
Dead
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I'm beginning to forget the sound of your voice
But your words still echo in my head
When you pleaded with me
Pleaded and pleaded with me
At 2 in the morning
If we could just go back
If we could just go back to what we were when
Happy
We were so happy
But I told you no
That I couldn't handle it
And I was really stupid, so so stupid

Now I'm the one pleading
And you don't even listen
Or apologize
You just don't answer

I'm in the dark alone and I'm scared
While you're outside
With a padlock on the door
That keeps me chained up in your mind
And you're meeting new people
You met her
She sounds amazing

I hope she's everything to you
I hope she's everything I couldn't be for you

Echoes

Echoes in my head
They won't leave me be
I need help but I also need you
I know you're not mean
I know you're kind
I know you're an amazing girl, an amazing young woman, and you'll accomplish amazing things

But I want to be there
I want to see it
So bad, so bad...

Echoes
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
Raine...
What's in a name?
We long knew of our downfall
Our star-crossed love.
As our minds combined,
And our bodies mingled,
We joked we were doomed.

Raine,
What's in a name?
We fell into untouchable love
Our star-crossed love.
As our minds intrigued,
And our bodies harmonized,
We knew we were doomed.

Raine,
What's in a name?
You fell out our wonderful love
Our star-crossed love.
As my mind pleaded,
And my hands entreated,
I found *I was doomed.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I don't know why I got caught up
In the ideas of this world
Where we think happiness can be bought

I don't know why I thought
You needed to prove things to me
I'm perplexed by myself I don't know what got into me

I don't know why I thought
You weren't perfect the way you were
I did sometimes and other times didn't, but I know which side I'll stick on

You're the kind of person
That can't be bought by petty words
You're the prize I can't touch
That sits on the wall in the back
Of my life's carnival game
I'm the kid, and I played until I broke it and
Then I'd never be able to take you home
I was told to go home and I fought until
Escorted off the property
Sam Conrad May 2014
A fire burns in my heart
For a girl I once called heaven.
Her mom tore me apart
Then the girl took my dusty remains and set me ablaze.

I'm still here.
I cry in my room alone at night and its been now 9 months.
I miss her sweet whispers and her tender embrace.
I miss her cutest smile and the look on her face.

I get sick.
I get so sick.
I get so sick.
I get so ****** sick.
I...
I
She took all the peices her mom left me in and set me ablaze.
She left above me, a faucet delivering a constant drip of gasoline.
She never turned it off...
I keep burning...
And burning...
And my ashes are burning too...
And the powder left from that is burning too...
She's so happy with her girlfriend of six months.
She's so happy...
Does she know what she did to me?
What she did...it was the most immoral thing a girl will ever do to me...
I may never seek out another...
I hate to dwell...but its so disturbing...did she not realize how she was tearing me apart?
I kept saying and assuming it couldn't be her...
But she sure was glad to correct me...
She sure was happy to watch me squirm...
She made deliberate moves, deliberate decisions, said and did such deliberate, inconsiderate and hurtful things.
She knew...
And that's what hurt most of all...
But it was supposed to.

Here I am...getting uneasy at the sight of her face.
I don't feel attracted to it, or her figure, not one bit.
But I keep hoping she'll say she's sorry...
I keep hoping she'll say she'll fix it...or at least try...
I don't think she understands that I gave her everything I had...
There's nothing left for me to build from...she took it all away...
I keep hoping she didn't discard me...
But she keeps laughing and smiling and hopping and skipping and loving...
Loving everything but me.

I keep thinking about the words I want to say to her...if I get the chance.
I keep changing my mind...
"I still love you..." or
"I miss you everyday..." or
"Please come home..." or
"You're the love of my life..."

I imagine she'd call me a creep...

But all that I really am is everything I promised her I'd be.
I am nothing more and nothing less than I promised her I'd be.
I promised her I'd always love her.
I promised her I'd always be here.
I'm still here... but she can't see me.
I'm still here... but she doesn't love me.
I'm still here.
I don't know how I'm still here.
I don't want to be here but here I am.
She tricked me.
Death awaits everybody but I wish it'd come sooner for me. I wish I could be something she loved. Anything. I wish I could be spring. A flower. A smell. A pet. The sun. The rain. A girl. I wish I could be anything I'm not so heaven could take me again.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Every time
I see
A Chevy Malibu
Part of me cringes
And

Every time
I see
A Ford Fusion
Part of me cringes
And

Both are really common vehicles
And

For the longest time, I was afraid to drive
Thinking I might run into one of them
And

When my car was in the shop last week
They gave us a Ford Fusion
And

That really upset me
And

It wasn't just you
But you really finished me off for them
Plus a ton more
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Failed
I am the failed social experiment
Of a US Marine who was abused by his dad
And a Korean woman impressed by a US Marine

Failed
I think the only thing I succeeded in
Was forming in a womb
But even that was ****** up, I was premature with a racing heartbeat, an emergency birth?

Failed
I say I succeeded in that, but really
I am only the product of a ***** ******* into a ******
That it probably never should have been in

Failed
I've been told all my life I'm failed
I fail at this and fail at that, fail over here, and fail over there
Though my recent failures have become more and more substantial

Failed
Failed my English course because I was writing about
The love of my life when all of the sudden, she wasn't anymore,
I just kind of took the F instead of writing the **** paper with all the **** pain

Failed
Failed at relationships, I either jump to deep
Or jump all over them
Either way I guess I'm destined to jump, like a bipolar love

Failed
I am the failed baby
Of a woman who didn't even want it
Because I ******* cried too much as an infant

Failed
I am the child of parents
Who decided not to divorce "for the sake of the children"
But really, I probably would have been better off with one out of the two of them

Failed
I've failed at everything that matters to me in life
I finally give up.
God, if you exist, please take me home.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
A lie was once told
They turned the backs against me
Nobody looking
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
Falling apart is like falling in love
But without all the love.

Falling apart is like those times
Those times when you were a kid and scraped your knee,
But there's nobody around
Nobody to patch you up.

If falling apart is like falling in love
Then falling in love is like going whitewater rafting with your partner
But you've both got life jackets, and it's a Grade 2 River and it's safe and
You're having a great time.

If falling in love is like falling apart
Then falling apart is like going whitewater rafting with a stick for an oar
With no life jackets, in a Grade 6 River which is dangerous and almost suicidal and then
Your partner throws you off.

Sure, it's exciting
Homicide is exciting, in a twisted way, right?
But that doesn't mean it's a good thing
Because it's bad.

Sometimes exciting is bad
When exciting is lacking love.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Sitting cross-legged in a field of grass
Sun glimmers through the trees
Eyes closed, breathing with the flow of the wind
Hands planted on my thighs
A deer gazes from up on the hill, 1000 feet away
Continue to breathe with the flow of the wind
Three feet in front, a female mirror, my best friend
Doing all the same, breathing with the flow of the wind
No words, only the sound of our breaths and the leaves rustling in the trees
No lust, instead of one with each other we become once become one of the same
Separate people
Similar struggles
Finally found the calm
How I long for her. Regardless of what happens, I will be there for her.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
If I get taken to court, thrown in jail over this I'll lose my brains

Maybe literally, by gunshot

As if a 17 year old girl can not think for herself,
As if her parents need to use the law to protect her,
From the cancer which is me.

Really though,

I don't care anymore,

I'm numb just like she was when she told me to get over her,

But she's hurting,

I don't want to kiss her,

But I do want to hug her,

For her, because even if I don't feel right now it doesn't mean
Doesn't mean I can't help someone else.
Help them feel again.

For her.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
I'm a free thinker
I make my own observations
That one friend of yours
Is not a free thinker
In fact I don't know if she thinks

Some of the smart people
They're the most closed minded
They read a lot and take in a lot, they become *** Laude+
But they believe things like the WBC
Believes what they believe

See, some of the dumber people
Like the Steve Wozniaks
Like the Bill Gates of this world
Those free thinkers that were really the smartest
But didn't like society's games

They are the real success stories.
But we're taught that the only success you can get
Is going to Harvard with a 4.0
In a field where the pay is good and jobs are hot
But a field in which where you went to college doesn't mean crap,
Because they're not looking for bookworms but looking for free thinkers

That friend of yours
She's been through pain
So she knows the pain
So she can relate
But that might be where it stops

That friend of yours
She'll have your back and she cares
But she's a little bitter
I mean, pretty bitter sometimes
I think you know this already

She told her cousin once
She found that talking helps
When there's a misunderstanding
That she wished people would talk
And work it all out

But she doesn't do that at all
She shuts people off
She shuts people out
Just like when she got annoyed
When you got less into her

You see
People who hold grudges
Who shut people out
They live a world of suffering
They live the saying "Nice guys finish last"

But they make it that way
Those people are the reason that saying exists
They say that those who don't learn
From history are doomed to repeat it
Let me just say she's one of those people

You're turning into one too,
Losing the free thinker inside of you
When you think you're making her
For the first time
I wish you'd listen

And not let your emotions overwhelm you but use the logic in your brain
Because your emotions are clouding your thinking
They're clouding your thoughts
They're clouding what you think you know about me, I think
Because you're doing that thing your friend does where you stop listening
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
So those last string of poems will be the basis of the contents of my book.

The title will be
"****** Up:
258 Days Between Heaven and Hell, Fighting An Angel With My Own Personal Demons"

I don't think I'll ever live it down.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
You have been
Such a gift
To my life
And it broke me
To see you go
Please come back.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I don't want to see her anymore

I don't want to hug her or talk to her

I don't want to see her point of view anymore

Because all she does is condemn mine, blame me

...

Or maybe I'm trying really hard

Maybe I'm trying to find closure in the way she cut me off

Maybe I'm trying to make things up

Maybe I'm trying to say, "Hey, I'm sorry. No hard feelings. I know it's hard for you too."

...

But I'm starting to realize

It's becoming all my fault

I'm starting to

Give up
I love her.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
Good morning,
It is 2 AM and I haven't slept.

Good morning,
I hope your new significant other greets you with a wake-up text.

Good morning,
Since your mornings are great, waking up to her...

Good morning,
No wait, I realize you don't like me...

Good morning,
Today's another day I'd believed you would love me...

Good morning,
Because its just another bad night for insignificant me.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
I took the last 5 minutes
To find some grace and hope

I'll be okay.
Carry on
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
You told me
"Don't be sad. I'm okay now."
I've been sad for almost 5 months...
I'm not okay...but
Happy Birthday.
For ***** sake
Someone tell me
This nightmare is a dream
One year ago today
I asked you to be mine
But now
I'm not okay.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Hate lurks in the shadows
As the *** calls the kettle black
It is getting much darker
My flashlight is going dim
I am finding it harder
To cast light to brighten the days
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
Keep crushing me
I'll take it
I'll keep saying I love you
Because that makes you upset

Keep telling me
Tell me I know you better than you know yourself
Then tell me I have the wrong idea about you
That you're not so great and you're horrible

Keep going please
Contradict yourself over and over
Be relieved when I say I don't hate you
But be upset I don't hate you

Keep ignoring my words
You read them and hear them
It's your interpreting that's off
That's why text doesn't work, I get it

Listen to me
I don't hate you
I'll always love you
But you don't even know what I mean
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Heidi
I fell in love with you at the age of 15, and I remember how I rode my bicycle
The 4 miles across town almost every day that summer, two and a half years ago
How much effort I put in to make the 40 minute ride over, just to come visit you

Heidi
I remember your friends and they were nice at first, until your best friend Jaina
Thought the word *****, was a part of everyday language and I realized
She wasn't even good for much except putting people down and going outside to smoke

Heidi
I remember the stories you told me about them and how you said you felt obligated
To take care of them, and that they meant a lot to you, how you loved them
For their silly jokes and shenanigans and just the fact that they were "******* badass"

Heidi
I remember when Jaina, Miles, and David were over one night I came for dinner
They just walked in unprompted, and ruined the time we had alone
I remember how you all laughed at me when David made a sick joke about my racial makeup

Heidi
I got up from the table and went to the bathroom to cry that night
Not because I had to go to the bathroom but because you replied to his joke by laughing along
And you even made another joke saying "But he's our token asian"

Heidi
I remember sitting next to you on your bed when we would watch movies all evening
But I also remember your attitude and the things you called me the whole time
"Asian buddy"

Heidi
I started noticing things about you I hadn't seen before because my love was blind
Like how badly you treated people, just like your friends did
Like how self-absorbed you were and how quickly you and your friends ego's fell apart

When you realized going to the corrupt Art Institutes for art degrees to make art was probably a bad idea

Heidi
You were having a hard time finding yourself and what you wanted to do with your life
Because you'd spent all your time in high school thinking you were on top of everyone
I led you on for almost 8 months before I decided enough was enough

Heidi
I should have left you early on because during those 8 months I tried to change you
Talk to my friends, I talked to them nonstop about you and what I should do with you
I remember how I only stayed because it wouldn't be fair to you for all the work we put in

Heidi
I'm sorry I hurt you but you hurt me too and as time went by I realized
You weren't even close to someone I wanted to spend any time with
You were nothing I could love, a proven *****
Sam Conrad May 2014
Take the following for what it is. Feelings are real and people are people and everyone is human and people forget that. I wrote this while upset, but really, I can't deny its truth. It applies to any people who find themselves depressed as a result of traumatic experiences with loved ones.

...
I don't care what anyone says. I wish every day that the best friend I ever had was still here. Those memories, the fondest of my life, I can't get out of my head. But...

That center of my life tore me up and threw me away. Nobody ever lied to me worse in my life. It was so extreme, that for a very long time it was incomprehensible to the point of mental breakdown. Do you know how stupid it is to want to die, because of only one other soul on this earth? How could anyone give up so much control? Yet, victims of bullying, discrimination, and unfortunate circumstances **** themselves every day. Don't they realize that others love them? Others care, but when you assign so much importance to someone who makes you so happy who then deceived you, your world and your senses can collapse into the most narrow of views.

The problem is, that when someone who means the world to you, does terrible, horrible things, it is too ****** hard to make yourself believe they're terrible for the sake of moving on. Your mind won't let you, for all the reasons they meant so much to you in the first place. You end up blaming yourself, or at the very least, find yourself in a perpetual argument which drives yourself insane because of so many memories you cannot erase.

I blame myself. But I don't. But I do. But I don't. But I do. But I don't.
Let me tell you, the pain can become excruciating beyond overwhelming.

Welcome to hell. Population: 1.

"I love them..." "I miss them..." "I need them..."
You just wish they weren't the crap they ended up being in the end.
You try to turn around the depression you have because they're gone by reassuring yourself that you DON'T need them because of all they've done to hurt you, shame you, even threaten your existence or show you they don't care.

Immediately afterwards you look down upon yourself because you can't stand thinking badly about the love of your life.

But then you remember all the promises you made them. How you told them you'd never break those promises.

You wait in hell for ever but that angel isn't coming to save you. She plays two roles...she's also the one that made the cage that keeps you there.

My angel reassures me with such a crooked smile that I belong in hell.
I still down here stuck between a river of thoughts ranging from "I wish she was dead" and "I wish she was here". The latter sometimes includes crying to the point of throwing up. The first makes ME feel like the terrible one.

I took blame for more than I did. She has yet to comprehend a fraction of what she herself did to me. I made mistakes. I did. I confessed. I was so sorry. I still am, kind of... She was very deliberate. She insisted over and over her actions weren't mistakes. I think she was trying to **** me. I know I tried to **** me.

I'll never have peace...
"But you didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we were nothing" -Gotye

The difference is that I'll never be glad it was over. She was my best friend, as close as a sister, and everything I ever wanted. I couldn't have dreamed up someone better, in regards to the person who I thought loved me too...
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
So here's the truth,
I've been through a lot,
I've made so many mistakes
Mistakes I'll forever regret

I'm sorry
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
That sweet girl --

She who looks down on her scars,
That girl whose name I'm prohibited to utter.

She looks down at her scars and she aches
And she aches from crying until 3 in the morning
When she felt accustomed to the dark,
When the dark was the only thing she could feel,
When her parents didn't love her,
When that boy broke her heart.

Sometimes,

She looks down at her scars and she cries
And she cries because she still sees them
She still sees them as the trails of blood at 3 in the morning
When she shook with her crooked smile,
Until she moaned “Oh my God”
And went to clean them up.

Sometimes,

She looks down at her scars and she's numb
And she's numb just like she was
Like she was in the moments which precursed them
When she stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark
And proceeded to cause new feelings.

Every day,

She wakes up to a body she's not happy with
And she looks at herself in the mirror
Like what she sees is only horror and it's not just the scars
It's the mole on her skin, the stretch marks, maybe that freckle on her neck --
And then her scars
And she takes shelter in her clothing.

Once in a while,

She has a bad day to which she wears her favorite shirt
And she reserves it and wears it because it tells the truth
It tells a truth she needs to hear but she doesn't believe in
It's everything she needed to know, when she was alone at 3 in the morning
And she wears it
It keeps herself sane.

I am that boy,

That sweet boy --

He looks down at his scars and he aches
And he aches from crying until 3 in the morning
When he felt accustomed to the dark,
When the dark was the only thing he could feel,
When his parents didn't love him,
When that girl broke his heart.

But you see,
His scars are different --

He looks down at his scars and he cries
And he cries because he still sees them
He still sees them as the memories, both good and bad, burned forever in his mind
Then he shakes with his crooked smile,
Until he moans “Oh my God”
And he eventually finds his “happy place”.

Sometimes,

He looks down at his scars and he's numb
And he's numb just like she was
Like she was in the moments which precursed them
When they both stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark
And proceeded to cause new feelings.

But the truth is,

It never should have been this way
Their scars are only battle scars
Battles in which they won, battles in which they lived through --
But when they both stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark
They proceeded to cause new feelings.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Well,
I can't breathe anyway.
Might as well count to 10 again.
It's not working.
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
How Dare You

Now this is gonna sound mean,
But how dare you tell me what to do like that
First of all you don't understand
Yes I know you have feelings
But why would you make assumptions
When I'd never lie to you

How dare you
Tell me to get over you
When I was already moving on
When I was trying to do
Exactly what you were doing

How dare you
Think you're thinking for yourself
When really you're only seeking
Seeking for everyone's approval
To build yourself up

How dare you
Tell me it's nobody else who influenced you
When all you do is ask them what to do
So you can learn their ways
How to be happy and what to do

Now seriously
I understand okay
I understand it's hard and you need help
But seriously
Some people aren't always right, not like I am either

Yes they care
But you don't realize
Nothing we ever think in these things
Is actually us
Because someone's behind us with advice or direction or understanding

You talk about how
Everyone uses you
How they manipulate your feelings
It's true
Like even when you think you won't be manipulated anymore you're actually seeking it
And you seek manipulation, you just don't look at it that way
But I get it. I know you, like the back of my hand, okay?
I've been given countless hours to do nothing but torture myself thinking but now I see the light, and
I know your childhood and I know your past.
I know how you need to move on
I know how you've struggled to think for yourself
Like you said how you got panic attacks
When I asked what you wanted to do on a date
Or how you spend 90% of your lunch time thinking about what you want for lunch

So again, just open your eyes for god's sakes
Because I'm not here to tell you what to do like everyone else
I'm here to help you think for yourself
But it's not like I don't have thoughts too
I just want you to decide for yourself for once
But you think you are
Except you don't even know you're not, so
Maybe someday, a few years down the road, you'll come back to me and realize it but

I guess you'll never know how much I really care about you
Like I'll always care about you, seriously
I'll always love you and yes I know you're vulnerable
You're really vulnerable, even to me, to falling in love with me again, or just being hurt by me again,
And I understand why you keep your distance
I understand why you keep telling me you need time and you're trying and you're being happier
But seriously, when you say I understand you better than you do
What the hell do you mean
Because it seems I really do
And you don't understand me OR you
So let me help you
Or keep me away then, but if so,

How dare you
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
How did you feel during those months?
Is it anything like I feel now?
Did you lay in bed, dead until the Sun went down?
Did you lay awake at night weeping tears (and maybe liquid crimson out of scarlet marks?)
Did you lose your desire to do what you love?
Did you forget who you were, what you stood for, and what you wanted to do?
Did you have post-traumatic stress, get anxiety and panic attacks when reminded of me?
Did you get angry, and then guilty afterwards, did you miss me, but hate me too?

Did you forget how you learned to love the simple things in life?
The shining sun, the green grass, the birds chirping?

This is really a poem about how I've been.
Not really a poem
Sam Conrad Nov 2013
How does one win
When he is losing everything

How does one speak
When tragedy leaves him speechless

How does one vent
When he can't even speak

How does one move forward
When he is being pushed backward

How does one live
When he is suffocating

How does one breathe
When he has so many problems

How does one cry
When he has no more feelings
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I howl at the moonlight,
Though no one ever comes.
Save me...
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Step 1
Become someone's best friend

Step 2
Become their boyfriend/girlfriend

Step 3
Get them to fall in love with you

Step 4
Lead them on like you've never led a single thing on before

Step 5
Get them to want to spend their whole life with you, so happy they could die.

Step 6
Pretend you feel the same way

Step 7
Repeat step 4

Step 8
Dump their ***, and as swiftly as possible, get with someone else

Step 9
Talk **** about them behind their back, speak amazingly about the new person

Step 10
Ignore them and watch them suffer to no end
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
How we learn to hate ourselves-
Some of us never do anything wrong, we are innocent souls
Taking punishment we don't deserve, whether it be neglect or abuse or misfortune
It happens when we're supposed to be growing, hitting milestones, but instead
We can't comprehend all of the things happening to us
When our fathers leave us
When our mothers abuse us
When there's no food in the house except the kind of plants you're (not) supposed smoke
That only occasionally make their way into the brownies
That you can't even eat

How we learn to hate ourselves-
Some of us make mistakes when we're older, but we're still goodhearted
But we'd just gone through some of the above, we had it really rough
We learned to like it rough and we learned to be the neglect or abuse or misfortune
It happens when its all you've known
When you feel guilty for making someone cry
When you've got a friend in need and you don't know how to care because nobody cared for you
When you tell someone else your problems are bigger than theirs and all you can think of is
That you just made their problems bigger than yours
And you can't live it down

After we learn to hate ourselves-
Some of us deliberately commit our mistakes as if we're addicted to the sadness and conflict
We become mirror images of the people we said we never would be and don't even realize it
We get the attitude of "Whatever if you hate me because I don't love you anyway"
We learn to push our loved one's buttons on purpose just like people pushed ours
When it happens we become their burden
Like when I told someone "I'm only talking to you right now because if I wasn't you'd be hurting yourself"
When you make someone else feel completely insignificant just because they misunderstood
Something stupid you mentioned
That you crush them completely


But only sometimes
Do we realize
How we learn to be
The monsters we become
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Hug me
Comfort me
Take away my pain
I need you

Hug me
Comfort me
Take away my pain
Do me one more favor, please

Hug her
Comfort her
She takes away your pain
I'm a lost soul, misplaced in a world without you.

Hug her
Comfort her
She loves away your pain
Replaced me, she's an upgraded model, she's your "Significant Other: 2.0"
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
Hug me please
I know it sounds like I've been barking
But hug me please
I know I did you wrong
But hug me please
You did me wrong too
And I'd forgive it all
If you'd only come back
And hug all my pain away
Nopenopenopenope

The cool thing about writing "nope" over and over is that within it are the words "open"...what you haven't been, with me.
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I needed hugs
Lots of hugs
Instead
Over and over
And
Over and over
I got
Stabs in the back
And
Every day
I still get stabbed in the back
You can't even stop
Because the metaphorical knives
Are the hugs you give
To someone else
You speak of being in love with
Because I'm not worthy
You spoke to me that way once
And now I'm
And now
And
And
Oh
Oh
oh
Not dying
Dead
dead
dead
dea
de
d

And the doctor would say:
"We're losing him"
I
Sam Conrad Jan 2014
I
I love you
I loved you
I'll love you
I love you
I loved you
I'll love you
I
I
I
I
I
I
...
f*ck
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
So, I am a menace.
A menace that plays trumpet at 11 PM so he can get his mind off of crying
A menace that loves driving out on spring's open road with the windows down and music up
A menace that loves seeing the good in others come out instead of seeing everyone's wasted potential
A menace that loves love itself, when people spread happiness laughter and cheer
A menace that loves to sing
A menace that loves to be sung to
A am only a boy
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
I'll be a broken record until the day I die,
I need to move on but I just won't try,
Though the day I die I'll learn to fly.
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