Ticks are nasty
Tocks flick them off.

So I guess I'm a fool
For being your fool
And being fooled
By a fool like you

So I guess I'm a fool
For all the fun times
And all the fooling
With a fool like you

So I guess we're both fools
For all the fooling
And the fooling you're doing
With my foolish heart

So I guess we're both fools
For the foolish decisions
That left me a fool
Alone in the dark

Did I mention it's finals week?
I'm stuck awake writing my life away, but the clock doesn't stop
Tick, tock, tick, tock
7 hours of exams tomorrow, am I ready?
Have to be up in 3 hours.
Tick, tock, tick, tick, tock
No, I'm just a little crazy from the time
Tick, tock, tick...tock...tock...
...

Writing
Used to come naturally for me, until my world turned upside down
Failed my college English course
Started writing poems, cut through my issues like butter
Flowed from my brain like a one way train to a promised land

Writing
I don't even know what to write about anymore, I've become so dead
It kept me alive, I'd get these thoughts and have to put them down
On a napkin, on my hand, wherever I could at the time
They were my release

Writing
I don't know what to write anymore
But I'll keep on trying
Because maybe I'll write something
To solve this problem too

When this all happened, you said you'd wait for me
Little did I know it was only a lie, you've found another, you've replaced me
I found something special in you, and I thought you'd found it too
When you looked into my eyes the world stopped spinning and time stopped moving
And all I could worry about
Was you

You see, I'm still this way
But you have a different look in your eyes today
I am foreign to you

I tried to cultivate something wonderful
You were the perfect one, the one I'd always hold on to
I told you I would, I told you I'd love you forever
You may not understand what I saw in you
Because I didn't get to show you you're wonderful

I tried to cultivate something wonderful
But I am a bad seed, nothing to grow and only an imbecile
I loved you and broke you, I took you and pushed you
You may not understand how sorry I am
Because I didn't get to show you you're wonderful

I tried to cultivate something beautiful
But there's nothing beautiful about me, nothing good to see
I hurt you and killed you, until there was nothing left inside of you
You may not understand how sorry I am
Because I didn't get to show you you're wonderful

So here I sit
At least I know I tried, at least I have that pride
The kind of pride I talked about when I talked about how you've got to love yourself
But at the same time I'm empty
The defeat that one soul feels when they poured their whole heart out into something
I tried

Malignant
I am a malignant soul
Roaming time and space without a care in the world
I am a disease, the kind of disease that science and medicine don't see
Rotting from the inside out

So, I am a menace.
A menace that plays trumpet at 11 PM so he can get his mind off of crying
A menace that loves driving out on spring's open road with the windows down and music up
A menace that loves seeing the good in others come out instead of seeing everyone's wasted potential
A menace that loves love itself, when people spread happiness laughter and cheer
A menace that loves to sing
A menace that loves to be sung to
A am only a boy

So here's the truth,
I've been through a lot,
I've made so many mistakes
Mistakes I'll forever regret

I'm sorry

Do you even know what its like
I'm suffering

Some people say
Don't let things get to you
Don't let them bother you

But really people mean
You're blowing things up
Don't blow things up

They mean to be
Tolerant and accept things
Welcome bad things in

Because without bad
There would be no good
Neutral would be bad

They didn't mean
Instead of tolerance
Kick it until it dies

I'm wrecked
What just happened
Why is the a-pillar of my car under my left shoulder
Why is there glass in my face
Why can't I move my legs
Why is the car upside down
Why is it on fire
Why is my forehead bleeding into my eyes
Pretty cool

Truth is
I'm afraid of heights
I have that sinking feeling
Like you get before drop on a rollercoaster
But I'm not strapped in
My stomach is ramming itself up my throat
My eyes are watering
I'm making this face like I'm so absolutely terrified
The people look like ants
I'm about to go splat
I'm afraid

How does one win
When he is losing everything

How does one speak
When tragedy leaves him speechless

How does one vent
When he can't even speak

How does one move forward
When he is being pushed backward

How does one live
When he is suffocating

How does one breathe
When he has so many problems

How does one cry
When he has no more feelings

Every time I read what you first said to me,
I get so ridiculously confused,
Because you already knew I was talking to people,
You knew I'd been
Getting help from the people I'd been talking to.

I said it to your face on a Friday evening outside the building,
When you and I talked about everything,
"I'm talking to Person X and she's helping me a lot"
"I've been talking to Person Y too, she seems to understand"
You went inside to give Person X a hug for "doing a good job"

Unprompted, a message:
"Hey, it's me. I've been told that you keep messaging my friends and
I haven't had the heart to message you back. You need to move on from me."

Let me tell you something,
What you did was horrible.
If your message was warranted, okay
But it wasn't, like I don't know what the hell you're believing
"I've been told that you keep messaging"

What bull, who did you hear it from?
MY OWN MOUTH? WHEN YOU KISSED ME?
How great of you to move on and protect your friends, the ones you said "Feed you sh*t"
What the hell were you protecting
The chance that I'd start feeling better?

I found a huge friend in Person X
I'd been friends for years with Person Y.
Everyone else had jack squat to do with you
Except that girl that works with you
Who I asked to tell you "HELLO" and that "I HOPE YOU'RE DOING WELL"

Who were your mysterious friends
Those friends I "kept messaging"
Why did you treat me like
I was annoying all your friends
Because what hurt me more than you

Was that you acted

Like I'm a liar

I don't know
Why I care about you
Because everything I thought I know about you
Are turning into lies

But they're not lies to most
They're lies to me
Because you're treating me differently
Like I'm not the same

Maybe I'm not the same
But I'm not trash either
It hurts being thrown away
Because I care a lot about you

I don't know
Maybe I'm just crazy
But I don't know why you're hazy
When it comes to everything you say to me

I tell you I love you
And I really do love you
But you don't even care enough
To respond to me

I'm not saying I'm in love
I'm not in love
But I see you're in pain
Pain I swear wasn't all my fault

I know I'm at fault
But please won't you listen
I'm not the same guy
Who caused you to do this?

What do you know that I don't
"I've been told that you keep messaging my friends"
Does not compute
I have no idea where you were coming from

Loving yourself
Doesn't mean be self absorbed
Doesn't mean be a total ****
Because you need to love yourself

Loving yourself
Is recognizing you're human
And that you make mistakes
And that it's okay to make mistakes

Loving yourself
Is when you mess up really bad
When you say the wrong things
But you go back to try and fix them to validate you're not a *******

Loving yourself
Means that when you go back and try to fix things
And you aren't able to fix things
You lift yourself up anyway because you know you tried to fix it

Loving yourself
Doesn't mean tiptoeing
Around what bothers you
It means you face your fears and realize it's not the end of the world to fail

Loving yourself
Is realizing that the first step to success
Is failure
That falling is good because you try again until you get it right, not give up

Loving yourself
Is having persistence
To prove them all wrong
And not get upset when you can't because sometimes you can't

Loving yourself
Is admiring your trying
Because you should be proud that you try to make things right and you try to make things better
Not only for me, but for yourself, because it bothers you too, to be so mean

Loving yourself
Doesn't mean you look down on others
It means you accept everybody, even your enemies, those that hurt you
You just don't look down on yourself

Loving yourself
Is when someone tells you you're horrible
But you know better than what they say because you know you try and you try so hard
You stand tall but

Loving yourself
Doesn't mean you're better
Because everyone is human and you make mistakes too
You don't hate on the bullies because they hurt just like you and you won't make the mistakes they do

Loving yourself

Keep crushing me
I'll take it
I'll keep saying I love you
Because that makes you upset

Keep telling me
Tell me I know you better than you know yourself
Then tell me I have the wrong idea about you
That you're not so great and you're horrible

Keep going please
Contradict yourself over and over
Be relieved when I say I don't hate you
But be upset I don't hate you

Keep ignoring my words
You read them and hear them
It's your interpreting that's off
That's why text doesn't work, I get it

Listen to me
I don't hate you
I'll always love you
But you don't even know what I mean

I found myself a friend.
He lives in New Jersey and has never met me.
He is 62.
He and I share interests, and he is an administrator of the forum
Where we go to talk about technology and computing and all that jazz

He just said
When young looks and lust
Are the driving factors,
As you age, temperment and having mutual interests
Become more important.
In later years you want a friend
And partner more but good looks don't hurt the equation!

That's kind of where I'm at, I guess. In my later years...
Either you'll catch up or I'll be fine with non-partnered friends
The kind of friends
You realize walk in an out of your life
When you all grow out on your own

I bet you never got to know
That I wasn't always depressed
I was always narcoleptic

Every time I told you I didn't feel good and couldn't see you
I wasn't depressed
I was narcoleptic

That message in March
Where you said you even loved when I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed
I was narcoleptic

I couldn't help it
People never understand, it's like how you feel when you've been up for days
I was narcoleptic

I could sleep 12 hours
And not feel refreshed, because my sleep doesn't heal me, like it heals you and others
I was narcoleptic

I know I took those stimulants
But they made me edgy and nervous, and I turned into a ****, so I didn't take them but
I was narcoleptic

You see, those stimulants, Vyvanse
Made me feel like I'd been up for days but running on 2 pots of coffee because
I was narcoleptic

A man who has been up for days
Is not often the most polite and I hated being impolite so I stopped taking them but
I was narcoleptic

So I spent my days sleeping
Sleeping till noon, then needing to sleep at 3 PM, until 10 at night and then until noon because
I was narcoleptic

Your stepdad said he wouldn't stand for that "crap"
But I couldn't help it, I wanted to see you more than anything and I knew it hurt you but
I was narcoleptic

Not only am I narcoleptic
I think I have fibromyalgia just like my grandmother, who loves you too, I think,
I have fibromyalgia.

Today I'm still narcoleptic with fibromyalgia
But I've found a cure, a mix of two pills, one for the narcolepsy and one for the pain
One pill is designed for nothing but narcolepsy (not ADHD) and the other a narcotic for the pain
You'd have no idea how much better I feel than I did before
You'd have no idea because you don't care to learn who I am
Because I'm not who I was, I'm refreshed, something new, I'm normal for once
Not just feeling bad, not just tired and sore and fatigued, not so depressed I can't get out of bed

Just narcolepsy and fibromyalgia.

I'm a free thinker
I make my own observations
That one friend of yours
Is not a free thinker
In fact I don't know if she thinks

Some of the smart people
They're the most closed minded
They read a lot and take in a lot, they become *** Laude+
But they believe things like the WBC
Believes what they believe

See, some of the dumber people
Like the Steve Wozniaks
Like the Bill Gates of this world
Those free thinkers that were really the smartest
But didn't like society's games

They are the real success stories.
But we're taught that the only success you can get
Is going to Harvard with a 4.0
In a field where the pay is good and jobs are hot
But a field in which where you went to college doesn't mean crap,
Because they're not looking for bookworms but looking for free thinkers

That friend of yours
She's been through pain
So she knows the pain
So she can relate
But that might be where it stops

That friend of yours
She'll have your back and she cares
But she's a little bitter
I mean, pretty bitter sometimes
I think you know this already

She told her cousin once
She found that talking helps
When there's a misunderstanding
That she wished people would talk
And work it all out

But she doesn't do that at all
She shuts people off
She shuts people out
Just like when she got annoyed
When you got less into her

You see
People who hold grudges
Who shut people out
They live a world of suffering
They live the saying "Nice guys finish last"

But they make it that way
Those people are the reason that saying exists
They say that those who don't learn
From history are doomed to repeat it
Let me just say she's one of those people

You're turning into one too,
Losing the free thinker inside of you
When you think you're making her
For the first time
I wish you'd listen

And not let your emotions overwhelm you but use the logic in your brain
Because your emotions are clouding your thinking
They're clouding your thoughts
They're clouding what you think you know about me, I think
Because you're doing that thing your friend does where you stop listening

How Dare You

Now this is gonna sound mean,
But how dare you tell me what to do like that
First of all you don't understand
Yes I know you have feelings
But why would you make assumptions
When I'd never lie to you

How dare you
Tell me to get over you
When I was already moving on
When I was trying to do
Exactly what you were doing

How dare you
Think you're thinking for yourself
When really you're only seeking
Seeking for everyone's approval
To build yourself up

How dare you
Tell me it's nobody else who influenced you
When all you do is ask them what to do
So you can learn their ways
How to be happy and what to do

Now seriously
I understand okay
I understand it's hard and you need help
But seriously
Some people aren't always right, not like I am either

Yes they care
But you don't realize
Nothing we ever think in these things
Is actually us
Because someone's behind us with advice or direction or understanding

You talk about how
Everyone uses you
How they manipulate your feelings
It's true
Like even when you think you won't be manipulated anymore you're actually seeking it
And you seek manipulation, you just don't look at it that way
But I get it. I know you, like the back of my hand, okay?
I've been given countless hours to do nothing but torture myself thinking but now I see the light, and
I know your childhood and I know your past.
I know how you need to move on
I know how you've struggled to think for yourself
Like you said how you got panic attacks
When I asked what you wanted to do on a date
Or how you spend 90% of your lunch time thinking about what you want for lunch

So again, just open your eyes for god's sakes
Because I'm not here to tell you what to do like everyone else
I'm here to help you think for yourself
But it's not like I don't have thoughts too
I just want you to decide for yourself for once
But you think you are
Except you don't even know you're not, so
Maybe someday, a few years down the road, you'll come back to me and realize it but

I guess you'll never know how much I really care about you
Like I'll always care about you, seriously
I'll always love you and yes I know you're vulnerable
You're really vulnerable, even to me, to falling in love with me again, or just being hurt by me again,
And I understand why you keep your distance
I understand why you keep telling me you need time and you're trying and you're being happier
But seriously, when you say I understand you better than you do
What the hell do you mean
Because it seems I really do
And you don't understand me OR you
So let me help you
Or keep me away then, but if so,

How dare you

It was a shock of news,
When you reprimanded me
For "talking to your friends", like I was annoying them, as if
I was bothering people you say you "took for granted" and now you're sticking up for them
Like I was just a nuisance

It was a shock of news,
Since you changed since talking to me
When you understood my POV, that I don't love you like I used to, and I'm in the same boat,
But now you've "moved on"?, (from what?) and you can't go "backwards"?
Like you think all I want is to go back to before, which is so freaking wrong because I don't

It was a shock of news,
Since I went back to those people, "your friends"
After your claims, and they couldn't see either where you were coming from,
Because one grew up with me, and the other is now my best friend
The first one, I don't think you realize the history there and the second one is my best friend

It was a shock of news,
For you to assume, I've been bothering "your friends"
Because of you, but I don't think you realize, that they are good people,
And I like good people, so seriously, quit claiming they're only your friends and not mine
Because the boy you flirted with so much who drove you home all the time was my friend too

And I didn't even talk to him much, or even mention you
Because I really like him as a person and I took him for granted when I was with you
Just like you took people for granted and now you're trying to care about them
And now I'm trying to stay in touch with my friends, even the distant ones,
As I tried to stay the hell away from you, just like you've been doing to me

It was a shock of news,
When you blocked me out completely
For you're "not in love with me anymore", and you're broken, just like I've been broken,
And I too, am numb and not in love, seriously, I'm not in love with you
But I kept saying I love you, because at least I know you try, even though you don't open your eyes
I know you're kind and sweet to people and you're building yourself up
But quit tearing me down in the process

When I tell you the truth
When it's right in front of you

So apparently, I don't love you
Maybe this hurts you
Like you keep hurting me
But open your eyes for god's sakes
Follow your own beliefs, quit the double standards
And understand I'm not in love with you when I say I love you

You may not realize
I've been writing about meditation

You may not realize
I'd like to calm down

You may not realize
I made poems about calming down

You may not realize
When I suggested a reboot

It was supposed to be like a meditation
Not a rollercoaster

Limited highs
Or maybe greater highs than ever before

Like meditation
Meditation puts things into perspective

But limited lows
Because in meditation you start to understand deeper

That's what my plan was aiming for.

Listen to me for once
You listen but you don't understand

I don't want to go back to the past
There were flaws in the past

The bad was horrible
The good was sometimes flawed

Why can't you see
See the truth in my words

You read them but you don't comprehend them
It's like I'm writing in a language you can't read

And all you see are my ****** expressions
And the tone of my voice and you're all like

Yeah, I understand.
But I can't go back to that.

Like you answered
The opposite of what I'm asking

Because even the poems you reference
Signify changes from the past

Even the rebooting poem
Because it's about a clean slate

Not redoing everything we ** up.

I don't love the past either
I hate the past

The past bothers me a lot
The good and the bad both

But are you really stupid enough
To say that moving forward

Can only consist
Of a future without me

Because I'm not that stupid
Because I know you

You know me
You even call me sweet

If you think I'm sweet at all
Then stop building walls

And let me be sweet to you
Last time I checked you needed that

Oh wait, only from other people
Because you care about me

But don't give a crap about me
Like you can't handle me

As if I'm some cancer

She says I'm great
She says I'm her best friend
She says I know her better than she does

Just to tell me

"I don't think I can have you around"

To tell me

She can't stand me

When I'm telling her

She's beautiful

As a person

That she's smart

That she's goodhearted

That I'll always love her because

She's a good person

Because

Apparently

She can't "go back to yesterday"

She's such a genius it seems

How much can I say to build him up

To make him hurt again

So I can have another excuse to claim

It's his fault I'm hurting

So I can hurt him

To prove I'm really not good

So I can call myself horrible

And stop him from calling me good

Just because he needs to stop

Let me in, to kick me out
Kick me out, to let me in

Tell me the truth as it is right now
But forget to tell me tomorrow will be different

Tell me about yesterday
Tell me you hate it

Listen to me tell you I'm looking at tomorrow
Tell me you can't go back to yesterday

Listen as I suggest you're not so bad
So you can tell me you can't deal with me anymore

Be deliberate in your words
Say them because you know you're hurting me

Try to make me hate you
Deny my offerings of peace

Call yourself horrible when I don't hate you
Because that's totally what I wasted all my breath telling you

Right?

Kick Me Out just like others have
Like
Like that woman did for you
Believe in her
She knows best

You're yourself right
You're being yourself

Then why set double standards
To allow for something

As long as its not me

Hold your grudge
The grudge you don't have

The one you make up
Because you're afraid

Afraid of falling
As if you don't know me

Why don't you understand
That I don't want
To move backwards
But move forward

Why don't you understand
That I care about you
More than anyone else
But want to help you move forward

Why is it
That you say I know you
But then tell me
I'm not allowed to know you

Why do you
Tell me I'm your best friend
To then state that you'll never put me in your picture
Why do you tell me

That what's final is final
Because you don't know the future
The future is in the air
Stop finalizing the future, please

When you keep changing your mind
Just to turn your back on me
When I'm not even hurting you
When the past is hurting you

Why can't you
See the past for what it was
Because if you look at the past
There was good and bad

But there was good
So see the good
In the past you pretend to see
And let me back in

Because I swear I'm not that bad
I'm not even that anymore
The bad you remember
I wasn't me

Now I'm me
I swear I'm all good, not even the past good
And you're not going back,
Because we're moving forward

But please
Keep blocking me out
Tell me I'm dreaming for something
That will never happen

Keep crushing my dreams
Then calling yourself awful and horrible
Keep telling me I'm wrong when I say you're great and nice and wonderful
Just so you can call yourself awful and horrible

Every time you hurt me
I'm like
Why don't we hug it out
Why don't we talk it out

Because you think
To make it better
We need to shut the holes in our faces
And forget

So that someday
We can be friends?

If I had it my way,
We'd be slow and steady.

Not like baby steps,
More like jump into everything --
Everything we'd done before
Full of feeling
No regrets
To appreciate wholly
Slow and steady

We would kiss each other gently on the forehead, cheek, lips, hands, to slow down time,
Slow and steady

We would hug each other like we'd never hug again and take more time,
Slow and steady

We would hold our hands together but do it gently and our thumbs would stroke our skins,
Slow and steady

We would look into our eyes and read each others minds again, but this time,
Slow and steady

We would cherish what we thought as "bad and risky", but with more love and deeper this time,
Slow and steady

We would never get doomed or upset afterwards because we'd do it all,
Slow and steady

What if we could reboot
Like
Reboot the love and the passion, the feelings and desires,
As if we were only a computer which crashed
Like we just need rebooted

What if we could kiss
Like, kiss each other alive again, mouth to mouth for the dead inside us to save us from dying
As if our lips would let us live again
Like we just need to kiss

What if we could cuddle
Like, cuddle each other warm inside, as if our body heat would warm our feelings to feel less cold
As if cuddling would let us feel again
Like we just need to cuddle

What if everything good we ever did, and I have no regrets
Like, everything would mean something, that we wouldn't just turn to it in a lust-fueled adrenaline rush
As if everything, slow and steady, would let us be us again
Like we just need to do everything

Reboot.

I still remember.

(Sweet girl, for your own good, don't read this, please...)

You may not remember, but I still remember.
I remember it all like it's happening again,
I can see the same pictures,
The same views,
The views from all those times,
When I hurt you.

You may not remember,
When we went to see the Akron Youth Orchestras,
At our High School on March 23,
When the Youth Philharmonic played selections from Les Miserables,
When you were singing along to beautifully,
When I was embarrassingly rude.

You may not remember,
But I remember the time I called you in the Spring,
When it was 45 degrees and pouring rain,
When I got mad about something that didn't even matter,
That I made you so upset you ran away from home,
Then suffered horribly in that rain.

You may not remember,
But I remember just after, when the rain dried up some, the next Sunday,
When it was still 45 degrees outside but not pouring rain,
When you and I went for a walk in the cold to go explore,
When we got a little too excited up on that hill, I think you know what hill,
When my fingers noticed the scabs on your arm, how you kept your sleeve pulled down.

You may not remember,
When we came back home, when I saw for sure, when we were on the famous sink-hole couch,
Oh, the look on your face, my heart sunk through the floor, because I knew what I'd done,
That you'd cried awake at night when you lied about being okay, just to make me happy,
You had cut yourself as punishment, when only I deserved punishment.
I still see the look on your face, wrapped in my arms, to my left, I still feel you shaking...

You may not remember,
That evening, how we talked for 4 hours,
How we just held each other, when we both felt so horrible,
When I was dying for hurting you, when you were dying from the pain,
How we both cried together, how I made you promise to never again,
Made you promise to never cut again, if I'd hurt you or left you, because I knew was a monster
(who would hurt you again)...
I still hear your sobbing when you and I were in each others arms in the kitchen...

I remember many more things,
They haunt me more than memories,
Because memories are the recalling of an event,
Recalling of how bad or good it was and nothing more,
But I'm cursed to recall everything as if they are photographs in an album, CDs on a shelf,
I see it all, I hear it all, I feel it all, and I have no goals except to tell you I'm sorry over and over and over...

Dear Girl,
I really really love you, yes I do.
Not like it used to be, I'm no longer "in love",
It's something different, that I'd never felt before,
But I really really love you,
Dear Girl.

Dear Girl,
I really really mean it, yes I do.
Not "in love" like I used to be, I'm something else,
It's so strange, and I've never felt it before,
But I really really love you,
Dear Girl.

Dear Girl,
I really really mean it, yes I do.
Not like I used to be, I've changed a whole lot,
It's different, my heart doesn't want "in love",
But I really really love you,
Dear Girl.

Dear Girl,
This poem was a long time coming,
But I wrote the story when I didn't know how to be me,
Now wrote the poem when I grew some brains,
But I always really loved you,
Dear.

Sweet Girl,
You didn't deserve those late nights,
Where I killed your insides, when I made you cry and cry and cry,
They made you love me less, they made you numb, and you fell out of love,
But I really really loved you,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
I've never been anything you deserve,
You had to pick me up off the floor, and it was more than you needed,
You pieced me together, but the person before you, she sabotaged me,
I had a destruct button you couldn't see,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
Neither of us saw it,
We both thought I'd healed, from the awful things that happened to me,
You didn't get to see, but the person you were, you stayed with me,
When I became a nuclear disaster,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
I try not to blame,
But you'll never understand how your mother was the Tsunami and Earthquake, and I was Fukushima,
We both didn't see it, but I was a nuclear plant, and meltdown waiting to happen,
The damage was too great, that June,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
I never understood,
Even my own actions, because I loved you from the start, and I don't know what happened to me,
But in times before you, people built me, and you just became the new plant operator,
You didn't know I was so unsafe,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
Nuclear plants are rather safe,
They just can't handle Tsunamis and Earthquakes, because they're made of materials that crack,
Under that kind of stress, I didn't just crack, I crumbled, I began melting down,
But you didn't know and I'm sorry,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
You've been through a lot,
The Tsunami was hard, but you didn't know about the radiation, that it would destroy you,
You were mutated by the horrible conditions you had to live through,
But you didn't know and I'm so very sorry,
Sweet Girl.

My love,
You didn't know it,
But we were both reactors waiting to blow, disasters waiting to happen, to cause destruction,
We mutated each other until we didn't even know who we were,
I'm so very sorry, so so sorry,
My love.

Poor Girl,
I really really try today, yes I do.
Not like I used to try, but now I try to be strong, and not a nuclear reactor but more like carbon fiber,
But carbon fiber is brittle, since you killed me inside,
But I forever love you,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
You've cleared your rubble,
Growing to be the most amazing and beautiful of skyscrapers, you're an inspiration for the world, you know,
You're so much different, standing taller than you'll ever know,
But skyscrapers can fall too,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
You make yourself content,
Being alone, you tell yourself that alone doesn't mean lonely,
That you find peace in the solitude,
But solitude is an empty thing,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
We can pick each other up,
You don't even know, it's not the same kind of picking up that we tried before,
This picking up can only go up,
Because we don't even care to feel sad anymore,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
You don't even know, how much I want to kiss you,
But it's different than before, it's more like the kisses mothers give to children,
When their children are crying, the kind of kisses that make great statements and tell stories,
The stories only kisses can give,
My girl.

My best friend just asked, "How can you create things like that?
It's really a fantastic talent you have."

The truth is, I don't have talent at all. Talent is subjective.
What is talent to one person, is trash to another.

You ever hear the saying, "One person's trash is another person's treasure..."?
It really applies to talent.

We can't go telling each other who is talented and who is not,
Who is good and who is not,

Because we're each only one person. What's trash to you isn't trash to me,
I wish people would see that.

I don't ever look at myself positively, only neutrally, (maybe most times negatively,)
I'm just me, and that's all I am.

I don't have talent,
Nor am I funny,
Nor am I silly,
Nor am I nice,
Nor am I mean,
Nor am I introverted,
Nor am I outgoing,

But not because I'm really not nice, or I'm not funny, or I'm not talented,
It's because you're nobody to judge,
Because you're not me.

I'm just me, and that's all I am.

The Purple Heart

Is not only a military decoration,
Though that decoration is deservingly given,
To those who perished in some way, serving their country,
For "Being wounded or killed in any action against an enemy of the United States
or as a result of an act of any such enemy or opposing armed forces."

You see now,
The Purple Heart,
It's also means what I have, The Purple Heart.
It's the type of heart disease that society and medicine don't talk about,
The kind you get after your heart's been beaten up.

I'm not the only person with The Purple Heart,
It's actually an epidemic, and it kills people every day --
But nobody wants to talk about it,
Because if they talk about it,
They just might catch it too.

The Purple Heart doesn't just affect the heart,
It gets in the blood, it eats at the mind,
Coursing through the veins of unsuspecting victims,
Victims of abuse, negligence, turmoil, but they don't get medals, they get pushed down,
Victims that are heroes.

If I get taken to court, thrown in jail over this I'll lose my brains

Maybe literally, by gunshot

As if a 17 year old girl can not think for herself,
As if her parents need to use the law to protect her,
From the cancer which is me.

Really though,

I don't care anymore,

I'm numb just like she was when she told me to get over her,

But she's hurting,

I don't want to kiss her,

But I do want to hug her,

For her, because even if I don't feel right now it doesn't mean
Doesn't mean I can't help someone else.
Help them feel again.

For her.

So over the last two hours,
I've been writing these poems
So I could stomach
My Spaghetti.

So I've been really sick lately,
I've lost a lot of weight
But I write these poems so I can eat
My Spaghetti.

Meanwhile,
I didn't realize that
I'm becoming less cold inside, but not
My Spaghetti.

After two hours,
My stomach is ready
For food that's no longer appeasing
My Spaghetti.

Listen children,
Don't ever be me.
Like those motivational speakers who overcame applying liberal methamphetamine,
Or those speakers who robbed people at gunpoint, they come in to tell you what not to do?
Don't ever be me.

Why?
I'm horrible, that's why.

Why am I horrible?
Because I'm horrible.
Wait, no I'm not.
Yes I am.
No I'm not.
Yes I am.

Just, don't ever be me.

Sometimes I feel ready,

To surrender,
As if God, or mother nature, (or whatever you may / may not believe in, I'm terrified to offend)
Would just take me off this Earth,
And I'd be okay,
Knowing I've lived more pain than the fullest of lives, at "ripe"...18.

Sometimes I feel ready,

To surrender,
Like I'll forever be a servant, that I'll spend my days making everyone else happy,
That I'll never speak my mind again, because when I did, it didn't make people happy, and, and,
And I'd be okay,
Knowing people wouldn't hate me, that I wouldn't have this pain.

Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Sometimes.

Sorry, I lost my cool there for a second.

Sometimes I hope,
I hope someone comes by soon to save me, to see me as who I am, and to love me for me,
Because I just got crushed so badly by someone who told me they loved me for me,
That they always would,
Telling me they loved everything about me, the true me, who I am.

Sometimes I believe,
I believe the above is true, but the truth is, that nobody should die young,
Be it the kids getting high or the kids being beaten or
The kids whose minds withstood,
The types and masses of psychological cruelty usually only reserved for killers.

Sometimes I believe,
I am not a prisoner, that I am a free man, that I live in a free world, that I'm allowed to be me,
But then those beliefs quickly fall because I am not free
I am restricted, kept away,
From the only thing I ever wanted, the most amazing thing to happen in my life.

Sometimes I realize,
I'm not supposed to surrender, but I still want to surrender, the kind of surrender,
That makes those people smile in their last moments
That makes people happy to end their pain,
But I know certainly, suicide is weak, because the living hate on those who seek death, as if they know.

Sometimes the above stanza,
Is how I am when I'm weak, but I realize, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live,
It's such a crazy thing to not want to die or live
The feeling that you're wasting space for ever existing,
Like it would have been better for you and the world too if you'd just never been born to breathe the air.

Die or live
Die or live
Die or live
Die or live
Die or live

I repeated that for hours monotonously one night,
When I didn't want to die or live, because I really wanted to live, but I didn't want to live this,
But on the flip side, I really wanted to die, because I didn't want to live this,
But then I stopped, I stopped my crying,
My arms, hands, face so numb from hyperventilating.

I stopped, I mean stopped,
I stopped wanting to live, wanting to die, wanting to not die, wanting to not live, wanting to not not,
I got up to grab a glass of water to chase down the freak show I'd just watched and
As sipped my water, I stopped.
I stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark,
And proceeded to cause new feelings.

Every night I wonder,
Why do I waste my time to write?
I sit and sit and sit before this computer screen and sometimes my pen,
And I write and write and write.

I wonder to myself,
Could she still love me, or has she changed?
I wonder and I wonder and I wonder until finally I tell myself it doesn't matter,
That I'm only writing to keep myself sane.

But what if she would listen?
I mean, could I read her all these things?
I would read and read and read until I've poured my heart out,
It would bring me such solace.

So here I'll pretend,
I'll pretend, that someday her and I,
We could sit down and talk about our feelings, not only a few,
To find the real truth.

Yes, I will pretend,
I'll pretend, that someday her and I,
We'll take turns in our one person poetry slams, with only one poet,
And a judge who doesn't judge.

So imagine for a second,

Imagine we're in the same room.
No, not the same room.
Identical rooms, but still the same room.
Rooms next to each other.
Right next to each other but we can't hear each other.

You designed these rooms.
You designed them for you, and the walls are black, there are no windows
Only one uncomfortable stool, light bulb hanging from the ceiling, a single cup of water
You designed these rooms so that you could get away,
You got away from the words you couldn't handle, both truths and lies, to be alone.
And you included the cup of water, because you've become a cactus starving for water and
You included the water because it will last you until you've grown.

I got my own little room too, the one next to you.
You built these rooms to grow,
But your walls move out, as you find who you are, and you forgot my cup of water and
And you're growing yourself, the right way this time and
But I'm still a human being and I still have feelings and I'm not a cactus yet and still starving for water
But my walls close in, and I have no water, and the light bulb is a crayon drawing and I trip on the stool
Because of the crayon drawing you thought would make me feel better but I can't even see it in the dark

So imagine for a second,
These rooms.

Falling apart is like falling in love
But without all the love.

Falling apart is like those times
Those times when you were a kid and scraped your knee,
But there's nobody around
Nobody to patch you up.

If falling apart is like falling in love
Then falling in love is like going whitewater rafting with your partner
But you've both got life jackets, and it's a Grade 2 River and it's safe and
You're having a great time.

If falling in love is like falling apart
Then falling apart is like going whitewater rafting with a stick for an oar
With no life jackets, in a Grade 6 River which is dangerous and almost suicidal and then
Your partner throws you off.

Sure, it's exciting
Homicide is exciting, in a twisted way, right?
But that doesn't mean it's a good thing
Because it's bad.

Sometimes exciting is bad
When exciting is lacking love.

I was laying last night,
Laying on my couch,
Cuddling with a blanket
That should have been you.

While I laid,
I watched the most amazing documentary,
About the almost perpetually vivid lives of Alaskan Sockeye Salmon
But it wasn't with you.

I found out,
The documentary is one of a series,
Suitably named, "Life On Fire:" as if they were created only to hold me by
When my life is on fire

--without you.

Serious
Everyone is too serious
Serious this, serious that,
I can't do this, I can't do that,

Stress
Everyone has stress,
Stress this, stress that,
I can't handle this, I can't handle that,

Peace
Nobody has peace,
No peace with this, no peace with that,
I can't get peace from this, I can't get peace with that...

Relax.

It really is odd, how we started out,
I had come from a relationship gone bad,
I really needed a friend.
In the most amazing coincidence, you saved my life,
You came to be my friend.

What happened next,
Our newly found friendship was so exciting,
How we made each other laugh,
And joked about smiling spleens,
Our friendship exploded with activity.

How you invited me over,
The night before your birthday just to hang out,
How we found each other locking lips, you in my lap,
How pure our feelings became in such a short time,
Oh, how our hearts were racing that night.

The next day was special,
It was magic, how we bonded,
The closeness between us, how cute everyone said we were,
How scared I was that day,
To ask you to be mine.

You said yes, and the next few months –
They were some of the best months of our lives,
We understood each other, poured our hearts and minds out,
It was so crazy how we just
Made each other happy.

Everybody saw it,
People gossiped about how cute we were and how perfect,
We really were so perfect, came together and became so invincible,
I still remember how,
How we fell in love.

The whole spring,
The amazing feelings every day, how wonderful things were,
We both found no ******, the love kept building and building,
Every look, every sound, every kiss,
We found true love.

But when we found true love,
Our love was everything, we began to see each other in the purest sense,
It became more than being carried away by infatuations and desires,
We found something special,
We weren't just a couple.


In all of that specialness,
I told myself I'd always love you, because I knew what I saw in you,
You were more than my girlfriend, you became the best friend I'd ever had,
Almost a sister to me, the peace of mind, the calm,
We found nirvana.

Then came June,
What started with a bang ended in such tragedy, I didn't foresee such horrible consequences,
Our love was so strong, but how quickly our advances became regressions,
I then regretted so much, I lost my calm, I became unsettled,
We became a train derailed.

Transitioning to July,
We never really got the train back up and running,
It was damaged from the derailment, it didn't want to move, we got so scared,
I became frantic, I became mean, cruel, cold-shoulder was almost my middle name,
How I'd forever be sorry.

I said hello to August,
When you were afraid of me because I'd become an animal,
When I saw it in your eyes it was almost too late,
You'd spent too many days crying, depressed, your parents began to hate me too,
I'd not been around for you.

Autumn began,
The leaves fell off the trees, and I tried so hard to please, but I couldn't,
Your eyes were so empty, your parents were fuming, I knew I let you down,
Oh, how hard I was kicking myself for being so awful to the love of my life,
Who didn't want to know me.

Today,

It took a little time after all of this for me to gather my brains.
You see, you were so much more to me than a lover, more than the love of my life.
You saved my life, from the beginning, and it's not my emotional justification but the truth.
You taught me how to be happy, made me forget how to hate myself.
You put so much color into my world, you sang me new songs.
The lengths to which I'd go to be the smile on your face again are far too great for my own good.

I wasn't in love with you. I loved you.
You as a person. Your brain, your soul, your will, your body.
You see, you'd become my soul mate, not my ****** partner.
You'd become someone I'd love forever, even if you didn't love me back, even if you were gone.
In a way, you became my sister, my freedom, my truth, my goal, my promise, and you grew on me.
You grew like the most beautiful gardens, you became what I lived for.

In the end, you were many wonderful things, but mainly one --
My trust.

A lie was once told
They turned the backs against me
Nobody looking

Raine...
What's in a name?
We long knew of our downfall
Our star-crossed love.
As our minds combined,
And our bodies mingled,
We joked we were doomed.

Raine,
What's in a name?
We fell into untouchable love
Our star-crossed love.
As our minds intrigued,
And our bodies harmonized,
We knew we were doomed.

Raine,
What's in a name?
You fell out our wonderful love
Our star-crossed love.
As my mind pleaded,
And my hands entreated,
I found *I was doomed.

I tried to be your spring,
but I wasn't sure which spring to be.

I tried to be a bouncy happy spring,
but I dropped just like a slinky.

I tried to be a seasonal spring,
but my flowers never bloomed.

I tried to be a fresh water spring,
but I quickly turned to fumes.

I tried to be your spring,
but I found I wasn't springy at all.

It was too late when I realized,
I was meant to fall.

That sweet girl --

She who looks down on her scars,
That girl whose name I'm prohibited to utter.

She looks down at her scars and she aches
And she aches from crying until 3 in the morning
When she felt accustomed to the dark,
When the dark was the only thing she could feel,
When her parents didn't love her,
When that boy broke her heart.

Sometimes,

She looks down at her scars and she cries
And she cries because she still sees them
She still sees them as the trails of blood at 3 in the morning
When she shook with her crooked smile,
Until she moaned “Oh my God”
And went to clean them up.

Sometimes,

She looks down at her scars and she's numb
And she's numb just like she was
Like she was in the moments which precursed them
When she stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark
And proceeded to cause new feelings.

Every day,

She wakes up to a body she's not happy with
And she looks at herself in the mirror
Like what she sees is only horror and it's not just the scars
It's the mole on her skin, the stretch marks, maybe that freckle on her neck --
And then her scars
And she takes shelter in her clothing.

Once in a while,

She has a bad day to which she wears her favorite shirt
And she reserves it and wears it because it tells the truth
It tells a truth she needs to hear but she doesn't believe in
It's everything she needed to know, when she was alone at 3 in the morning
And she wears it
It keeps herself sane.

I am that boy,

That sweet boy --

He looks down at his scars and he aches
And he aches from crying until 3 in the morning
When he felt accustomed to the dark,
When the dark was the only thing he could feel,
When his parents didn't love him,
When that girl broke his heart.

But you see,
His scars are different --

He looks down at his scars and he cries
And he cries because he still sees them
He still sees them as the memories, both good and bad, burned forever in his mind
Then he shakes with his crooked smile,
Until he moans “Oh my God”
And he eventually finds his “happy place”.

Sometimes,

He looks down at his scars and he's numb
And he's numb just like she was
Like she was in the moments which precursed them
When they both stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark
And proceeded to cause new feelings.

But the truth is,

It never should have been this way
Their scars are only battle scars
Battles in which they won, battles in which they lived through --
But when they both stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark
They proceeded to cause new feelings.