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Sam Conrad May 2014
She and I...
We sat on an island alone.
Nobody around her wanted me around.
Nobody around her supported keeping me around.
She got put with me on an island.
She promised me she loved me.
She promised me a lot of things.
We promised each other.
We promised not to let the others get us down.
We promised we could do this...("this" never happened...)
We promised.
We...
When...
When it came down to only us,
I found trust I didn't even know I had.
I trusted her then more than I had ever trusted a **** thing in my life.
I trusted her more than I will ever trust a **** thing in the rest of my life.
I found in her a peace I had never felt before.
I thought her and I were going to build each other up again, together.
I was so ******* determined to help her.
I was going to die before I let her down.
She kissed me. It was the deepest kiss I'd ever had with her.
Next week she was gone.
Next week she didn't love me.
Next week she said she hadn't loved me for a long time.
Next week she didn't love boys anyway.
Next week she had a girlfriend.
Next week I tried to die.
Next week I tried to die.
Next...
Who even gives a **** about the weeks after that because I'm still sitting here alive. Nobody cares about how or if I feel anyway.
I'm really pretty ******* dead and she's happier than she's been in ages.
Sam Conrad May 2014
A fire burns in my heart
For a girl I once called heaven.
Her mom tore me apart
Then the girl took my dusty remains and set me ablaze.

I'm still here.
I cry in my room alone at night and its been now 9 months.
I miss her sweet whispers and her tender embrace.
I miss her cutest smile and the look on her face.

I get sick.
I get so sick.
I get so sick.
I get so ****** sick.
I...
I
She took all the peices her mom left me in and set me ablaze.
She left above me, a faucet delivering a constant drip of gasoline.
She never turned it off...
I keep burning...
And burning...
And my ashes are burning too...
And the powder left from that is burning too...
She's so happy with her girlfriend of six months.
She's so happy...
Does she know what she did to me?
What she did...it was the most immoral thing a girl will ever do to me...
I may never seek out another...
I hate to dwell...but its so disturbing...did she not realize how she was tearing me apart?
I kept saying and assuming it couldn't be her...
But she sure was glad to correct me...
She sure was happy to watch me squirm...
She made deliberate moves, deliberate decisions, said and did such deliberate, inconsiderate and hurtful things.
She knew...
And that's what hurt most of all...
But it was supposed to.

Here I am...getting uneasy at the sight of her face.
I don't feel attracted to it, or her figure, not one bit.
But I keep hoping she'll say she's sorry...
I keep hoping she'll say she'll fix it...or at least try...
I don't think she understands that I gave her everything I had...
There's nothing left for me to build from...she took it all away...
I keep hoping she didn't discard me...
But she keeps laughing and smiling and hopping and skipping and loving...
Loving everything but me.

I keep thinking about the words I want to say to her...if I get the chance.
I keep changing my mind...
"I still love you..." or
"I miss you everyday..." or
"Please come home..." or
"You're the love of my life..."

I imagine she'd call me a creep...

But all that I really am is everything I promised her I'd be.
I am nothing more and nothing less than I promised her I'd be.
I promised her I'd always love her.
I promised her I'd always be here.
I'm still here... but she can't see me.
I'm still here... but she doesn't love me.
I'm still here.
I don't know how I'm still here.
I don't want to be here but here I am.
She tricked me.
Death awaits everybody but I wish it'd come sooner for me. I wish I could be something she loved. Anything. I wish I could be spring. A flower. A smell. A pet. The sun. The rain. A girl. I wish I could be anything I'm not so heaven could take me again.
Sam Conrad May 2014
The boy inside my head remembers the girl inside yours.
He wants to tell you that he still loves you...that he'll love you forever.
He wants to tell you he's trapped and all alone.
He sits in his cell scratching the days onto the wall.
He draws pictures of your face and imagines holding your hand.
If he ever gets to talk to you again, he pictures what he'd say...
He would do anything for you to give him another chance.
He knows he's a boy and he wishes he didn't have to be.
But that boy inside his head didn't get a say on if he got to be a boy or not.
He wishes that you'd open yourself up to let him care for you again.
He wishes that you'd let yourself be the reason that he lives again.
He wishes a lot.
He wishes too much.
He fears none of them won't come true but he can't stop because it keeps him alive.
He envisions that chance. That he would take it slow and show you his love.
That it would be the deepest display of emotion ever to come from him.
He knows all too well you're not fond of boys- he's almost sorry he is one.
But he loves you. He loves you so much. You're so beautiful to him.
A beautiful person, not a beautiful girl.
He misses you.
He misses you so much.
The world stops when you hug him.
His heart flutters just thinking about it, still.
You're heavenly to him. You took him places he'd never been before.
Places he may never be again.
You see, he wishes he could put into words for you, the feeling...
He never needed anything more than your cuddles and hugs.
Like a living, breathing, soft and loving security blanket, you were...
Nothing in his life ever more peaceful than your arms or the touch of your lips.
He never needed ***...please don't make it about ***...
What he really needed was you.
He prays to a God he no longer believes in that maybe he could have a reason to believe again.
He loves you, Elizabeth Raine. He loves you so **** much.
He knows that's not enough.
He will never be enough.
You were once the reason he lived...
You're now the reason he wants to die.
You dumped him like utter trash and he still couldn't get over you.
You said things that ripped out his soul. Acted like he had no soul to begin with...
But ******, he loved you. He loves you. Like he promised, he always will.
Your girly parts play no part. He wishes you'd understand how much deeper this is than that.
How much you mean to him.
How much you'll always mean to him, how you'll always be his sweet girl.
At least, how he wishes you'd be his sweet girl once more.
He wishes he could show you...that he could find a way.
Tears roll down his face like the first rain of May.
He just wants to be enough to experience heaven one more time...
I'm afraid to inform him that heaven's long gone...
Its not even in existence to experience anymore...
But he'd **** himself...I can't push myself to let him know...
He bought a ticket to hell.
I love you. I miss you everyday. I hope you're doing fine. I hope she treats you well.
I wish I could sleep forever so I could go back to your arms again.

I hope you're not reading this. If you did, you just hugged him.
Just know it gives him the best feeling in the world, even still.
He tries so hard to forget he wants it everyday.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
Let me tell a story about how to be crazy.

So its 3 AM.
You're dreaming in the past, but wide awake. Stomach unsettled, tears rolling down face. Its been forever. Months. Coming on a year. Maybe more. You've been here before. All alone. Various locations and times in your life, but all the same result. You cared about someone more than you thought you could care for anything, and they deserted you, turned their back on you, or decided to hate you. Parents, brother, sister, maybe best friends, or this time the love of your life. That person you found yourself infinitely happy with, who you never thought would leave your side. You question now for the ten thousandth time, why? All over again, the flashbacks cycle through your head. Good memories, bad ones. Ranging from wonderful euphoria to feelings after grave mistakes. A mental rollercoaster ride you strapped yourself into for no reason at all. Things they said, things you said. You find that your head is a broken record which never falters in recollection or account. All these memories, a timeless and photographic archive kept for no other reason than to torment you for the rest of your life. You relive a once familiar face spewing terrible factoid after factoid after factoid, which depending on perspective, or if you must be God or not, are either completely baseless opinions, or maybe totally true. You hear that loved one's voice talk terribly about you again, that same one who once whispered in your ear with such a tenderness of care and love. You go ahead and remind yourself that they now almost act like they never loved you or as if they were only the victim of your completely heinous crimes. As if it were ever news to you. You remember that just before that time, you'd already confessed before the conviction. They wouldn't let you take the blame at the time, but then threw you completely under the bus as if you all of the sudden, needed to be punished for being so absolutely terrible. You had already suffered enough. You were going nuts, you put yourself through so much pain and got so low over things barely of your doing because you wanted things to be alright. You remember confessing to them, owning up to every mistake you could think of, and even things you couldn't control...apologizing for things people said you did, but didn't even do. Promising and pleading to make things right. Promising yourself to never leave their side. That you'd always have their back. But now, you go back to remember that the things you promised were seen as nothing. If they meant something to that person once, they mean nothing now. You remember how their parents talked to you like you were worse than trash, forced a breakup. When you had only tried to piece it all together and came back to your love, they were tired of your "excuses". They even wound up thanking their parents for driving you to the edge of suicide and left you to die when they were the only thing you had left. Did I mention that only weeks after telling you they'd wait for you, after their parents forcefully broke you up, would always think the world of you, would always love you, and always want you, they decided they don't even like your gender? Now, time goes by. Those things are gone. You recreate them in your head over and over because they never did turn out alright. You try to find out what you could have done to change the result. You never got your closure and you became nothing but bad memories and the topic of gossip. The last time you tried to talk to the person about it, they told you they were tired of having to explain themselves to you, but they didnt explain anything at all except reminding you that you treated them like ****, that they're never coming back, and that they're gloriously happy with someone else. They are tired of you shifting blame on them, and telling them they almost killed you with the things the way they dumped you. After all, you almost committed suicide a dozen times. They reiterate to you for good measure, that they don't like your gender. It makes you feel disturbed as you flashback to things you did alone together. You question what was real. They tell you they could never have had *** with you, and act like it is a big deal to you. No matter what you say you can't get them to budge. Its odd to you because you already had a form of *** with them - multiple times, and they appeared to like it. Going down on her was a bit of a one way deal, but what made you happy was being able to pleasure her, and you were satisfied with that. There was never any real craving for more. Besides...you loved them, not their ****** anatomy. You thought it was mutual. You thought you were clear. You thought they were honest. Somehow now though, in their mind, they finally stomped you down. As if you were some terribly controlling brainwashing freak... they finally got away from your control and were proud to do so. The control they and their family and friends all made up for you in their heads. Just like how their mother told you that "you never did anything except **** with her head". You know you genuinely loved that girl. You know your promises were real when everyone told her you were full of ****. You remember in the last of the better days, pleading for that person to just be honest and be themselves amid so much ******* and chaos. Meanwhile people including the love of your life are completely moving on because they couldn't care less than to stop for your ****. Your life is whizzing by you. That person that hurt you, or lets say, you hurt, may never speak a word to you again, yet you continue to dwell on things you couldn't change. There are millions of fish in the sea, and you're determined to starve yourself dead before you let that one get away. Little do you know it was caught by someone else months ago and you'll never get it back. You'll just keep trying until you die because then you can pretend it isn't suicide.
Its 3 AM, ******. Sleep well. Enjoy your girlfriend. The one you obliterated me for.
I'd still do anything for you despite the fact that you're the big influence as to why I periodically have suicidal thoughts, the worst panic attacks of my life and began smoking.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
I'll be a broken record until the day I die,
I need to move on but I just won't try,
Though the day I die I'll learn to fly.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
**** that noise.
Forget about her.
She's full of ****.
You don't need her anyway.
I can't believe this terrible **** happened to you.
It was all so unfair.
It's been like 10 months. Why aren't you over it?
**** her. Move on.
Wow. What a ******* *****.
Isn't it finally to the point where you just don't care, where you finally say "**** her", and move on?
Yes.
No.
Kinda...
I don't know, anymore.
I can't believe it either.
Beyond unfair...
Good question.
I can't...I can't.
I don't know what she is, anymore...
No, I don't think I'll ever get to that point. I'll just sing Coldplay and cry for the rest of my life.
Sam Conrad Apr 2014
I didn't love her for her body or her beauty.
I loved her for her.
I loved the way she looked into my eyes, not the way her beautiful eyes sparkled.
I loved her thoughts, ideas, feelings and actions much more than anything related to her gorgeous body.
I loved her for kissing me, not because she was a good kisser.
I loved the good and bad and all. It's good to have some differences.
I miss those differences. I promised myself I'd learn to love them and now I'm all alone.
I wanted to live the rest of my life by her side, to wake up with her, hold her in my arms through all of life's struggles.
I promised her I'd always be there, that I'd always love her.
She promised me too.
She says she doesn't love me at all, anymore.
"I'm lesbian and I could never have had *** with you," she told me after deserting me, and apparently all men.
Maybe I didn't want to have *** with her anyways.
I never would have left her for such reasons.
It is, wasn't, and never will be an importance to have *** with someone so special as her.
"Don't pretend", she says. "Even if it's not everything, that's still important"
Well, why do I still say I'd do anything for that girl? Why to I want to kiss her, not because she's attractive to me, but because I have things to tell her that only my lips could tell?
She hasn't looked my way for a while now. I don't exist to her anymore, and she couldn't be happier.
I've not seen her in almost half a year.
She's not been mine for longer than that.
I wonder if she understood what I meant...
I wouldn't just do anything to get her to be mine again,
I'd do anything for her.
Sometimes love is a one way street.
I'm all alone and blind, going the wrong way up it.
I'd say it's a matter of time before something hits me.
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