I love you
I loved you
I'll love you
I love you
I loved you
I'll love you
I
I
I
I
I
I
...
f*ck

I find it pathetic
that I made you
the center of my world
after everything you did to me and
I'm trying to live without you
but it feels so empty and
its even more pathetic
that you still mean the world to me
more than anything else ever had and
I'm not even allowed on your property
so
the situation, it
it finds me pathetic
laughing in my face
I can not pretend
it is laughing with me

My brain is
A mess
And sometimes I just pretend to be a hoarder
Like I'm okay living in a mess

Other times
I'm throwing up for how awful it is in here

I say hello to a new year,
One that I kicked off in glorious fashion,
Not even at home,
Not with you,
At a friend's house getting drunk
Off my ***
and
Forgetting about you by way of
5 mixed drinks
2 shots of crown, and some ***
6 oz of champagne
1 lonely beer to kick it off
If not only for a few hours and
I only remember half the night,
Though it was sobering to hear
That another one of my acquaintances
Left this Earth.
I wondered how I'd feel if
I'd ever lose you that way
Or how you'd feel if
You ever lost me that way
But quickly realized
I don't really have you to start out with
And
You pushed me away
I'm not something you "have" anymore.
I remember how many days I cried
As if you were dead
So cheers to this 2014 year
The year I lost four people
Is now past.
Three innocently brought
Into the gates of heaven...
If you believe that sort of thing.
A fourth lost in some interpersonal battles
Living in a world without me
Beginning a new year

*** was that last "poem"?
I can't move on
You hit me with your train
I'm just a pile of splatter
You can't stop anymore to clean up!

This isn't the way you wanted me to move on at all
And I'm not really moving on because if you'd stop all this madness
I'd be very happy and much satisfied
But it would hurt you and it would hurt her
Because you made a mistake
You know I didn't deserve this
But at the same time, you like it too
But when you're doing this
What do you expect from me
And why don't you understand what I expected from you?

I have cottonmouth and I'm choking
I miss your hands so I bring them close
I sit you down next to me again in my head
But your hands are full of cotton
You stuff my mouth with cotton
I'm gagging on the cotton
And you're still pretending to be compassionate
Ignoring all my gagging and choking
As you fill my mouth with cotton with a smile
Your new love sitting right on the other side
She is smiling too