You may not realize
I've been writing about meditation

You may not realize
I'd like to calm down

You may not realize
I made poems about calming down

You may not realize
When I suggested a reboot

It was supposed to be like a meditation
Not a rollercoaster

Limited highs
Or maybe greater highs than ever before

Like meditation
Meditation puts things into perspective

But limited lows
Because in meditation you start to understand deeper

That's what my plan was aiming for.

Listen to me for once
You listen but you don't understand

I don't want to go back to the past
There were flaws in the past

The bad was horrible
The good was sometimes flawed

Why can't you see
See the truth in my words

You read them but you don't comprehend them
It's like I'm writing in a language you can't read

And all you see are my ****** expressions
And the tone of my voice and you're all like

Yeah, I understand.
But I can't go back to that.

Like you answered
The opposite of what I'm asking

Because even the poems you reference
Signify changes from the past

Even the rebooting poem
Because it's about a clean slate

Not redoing everything we ** up.

I don't love the past either
I hate the past

The past bothers me a lot
The good and the bad both

But are you really stupid enough
To say that moving forward

Can only consist
Of a future without me

Because I'm not that stupid
Because I know you

You know me
You even call me sweet

If you think I'm sweet at all
Then stop building walls

And let me be sweet to you
Last time I checked you needed that

Oh wait, only from other people
Because you care about me

But don't give a crap about me
Like you can't handle me

As if I'm some cancer

She says I'm great
She says I'm her best friend
She says I know her better than she does

Just to tell me

"I don't think I can have you around"

To tell me

She can't stand me

When I'm telling her

She's beautiful

As a person

That she's smart

That she's goodhearted

That I'll always love her because

She's a good person

Because

Apparently

She can't "go back to yesterday"

She's such a genius it seems

How much can I say to build him up

To make him hurt again

So I can have another excuse to claim

It's his fault I'm hurting

So I can hurt him

To prove I'm really not good

So I can call myself horrible

And stop him from calling me good

Just because he needs to stop

Let me in, to kick me out
Kick me out, to let me in

Tell me the truth as it is right now
But forget to tell me tomorrow will be different

Tell me about yesterday
Tell me you hate it

Listen to me tell you I'm looking at tomorrow
Tell me you can't go back to yesterday

Listen as I suggest you're not so bad
So you can tell me you can't deal with me anymore

Be deliberate in your words
Say them because you know you're hurting me

Try to make me hate you
Deny my offerings of peace

Call yourself horrible when I don't hate you
Because that's totally what I wasted all my breath telling you

Right?

Kick Me Out just like others have
Like
Like that woman did for you
Believe in her
She knows best

You're yourself right
You're being yourself

Then why set double standards
To allow for something

As long as its not me

Hold your grudge
The grudge you don't have

The one you make up
Because you're afraid

Afraid of falling
As if you don't know me

Why don't you understand
That I don't want
To move backwards
But move forward

Why don't you understand
That I care about you
More than anyone else
But want to help you move forward

Why is it
That you say I know you
But then tell me
I'm not allowed to know you

Why do you
Tell me I'm your best friend
To then state that you'll never put me in your picture
Why do you tell me

That what's final is final
Because you don't know the future
The future is in the air
Stop finalizing the future, please

When you keep changing your mind
Just to turn your back on me
When I'm not even hurting you
When the past is hurting you

Why can't you
See the past for what it was
Because if you look at the past
There was good and bad

But there was good
So see the good
In the past you pretend to see
And let me back in

Because I swear I'm not that bad
I'm not even that anymore
The bad you remember
I wasn't me

Now I'm me
I swear I'm all good, not even the past good
And you're not going back,
Because we're moving forward

But please
Keep blocking me out
Tell me I'm dreaming for something
That will never happen

Keep crushing my dreams
Then calling yourself awful and horrible
Keep telling me I'm wrong when I say you're great and nice and wonderful
Just so you can call yourself awful and horrible

Every time you hurt me
I'm like
Why don't we hug it out
Why don't we talk it out

Because you think
To make it better
We need to shut the holes in our faces
And forget

So that someday
We can be friends?

If I had it my way,
We'd be slow and steady.

Not like baby steps,
More like jump into everything --
Everything we'd done before
Full of feeling
No regrets
To appreciate wholly
Slow and steady

We would kiss each other gently on the forehead, cheek, lips, hands, to slow down time,
Slow and steady

We would hug each other like we'd never hug again and take more time,
Slow and steady

We would hold our hands together but do it gently and our thumbs would stroke our skins,
Slow and steady

We would look into our eyes and read each others minds again, but this time,
Slow and steady

We would cherish what we thought as "bad and risky", but with more love and deeper this time,
Slow and steady

We would never get doomed or upset afterwards because we'd do it all,
Slow and steady