Sam Ciel

Sam Ciel Dec 2020

4b.

Staying up without a thought distracting memories are wrought with guilt and stained with tepid tears that come like rainfall with the fears of losing you.

I'm choosing you. Please choose me. And all my insecurities. I don't say much, it's not enough, and what I do say comes out rough with jagged edges, rips and tears, pieces torn like skin or hair, pulled and plucked and groomed and trimmed until my patience wears too thin

I'm insecure and full of doubt
I'm full of holes and flaws
And often times it feels to me
You love me without cause

But I trust you and what you say
And trust in what you do.
In every single shape and way
I know you love me too.

I'm choosing you.
You're choosing me.
Affirming our stability.
I breathe, unwind, and decompress
I grieve, I'm fine, I dress
My wounds
And heal.

I wrote this a week before we broke up.

Sam Ciel Dec 2020

6.

I've never felt as wanted
As I have in your arms
That's not a good thing
or a bad thing
S'just the way that things are

I miss the bliss of each new kiss
Packaged neatly for me to unravel
A present for the present,
with meaning only for right now
And I still remember every one
How did you do that.

I miss the decadent depravity of your touch
the absolute erasure of self into your clutch
I miss that you made me forget who I think I am
and made me feel like who I actually am

I miss your skin brushing against mine
Our steady panting keeping time
The rhythm unique to just us two
I miss being able to be this for you.

And memory now feels like sin
I have to harden fragile skin
I cannot let your whispers in
You've asked me not to.

And though your voice echoes on repeat
I'm not at fault for memories
nurturing hands brought love to bloom
taught seeds to flourish
and nursed our wounds

We grew.
We loved.
We love.

I stole your heart with feathered touch
Fingers so gentle that every brush
was missed.

I loved too little
You felt as much.

And all it took was nimble touch
To turn fractures to fissures
And in a rush
Collapse what we had made.

And with pieces of us stuck in my skin
These memories that feel like sin
I feel lost. Picking up pieces of something we made together.
Alone.

I wish you could hold me.
And I'm sorry
for every time that you told me
All the things you wished of me
All the things I'd never be.

You said

“I can't trust you with my love again.”

and as much as I feel at fault

I don't really know what I did wrong.

-SC

Sam Ciel Nov 2020

5.

Alcohol to clear the mind
Each drop a single note rewinds
Our melody in broken time
Until the clock runs thin.

And now we're wasting borrowed hours
Counting seconds not quite ours
Verses stolen with our breaths
Returning to us blank.

We struggle understanding why
It feels like we no longer tried
Recovering what once stretched time
And all that's left is guilt.

I'm angry and sad and confused and tired and all I have to say... Be well.

Sam Ciel Dec 2019

Acclimation

4.

I hate the phrase "getting over you"
Because that's not quite what I want to do
It implies that you are an obstacle to be overcome
As if it is possible not to succumb
To the proof of the truth that I'm struggling to live without
You

The evidence is everywhere
Even when I'm trying not to look
Whenever I try not to care
It's like opening a book
That I've read ten thousand times
And still pretend not to know the words to

And whenever I decide to give it thought
To figure out this puzzleknot
Of complex feelings in my brain
Of relief confusion sadness pain
I just remember I was never a scout
And I **** at tying knots
So I'm not sure that I've got the right tools for this job
Or what they even are

But
There's a beauty in the chaos
And we can appreciate the overwhelmed
Anger is clutched in the fist of relief
Clarity in the mist of confusion
Sadness is walking alongside the grief
And there's pain in every happy protusion

Every curve of the puzzleknot
Is composed of both the "haves" and "nots"
And abandoning a single twist
Would mean abandoning the entire lot

Which I'm not going to do.

You
can
have one without the other
But perspective here is key
If you begin to unwind one
You undo another three

From the highest mountains you can see the majesty below
And from the darkest valleys there's only one way you can go
And either one
could
exist without the other's view
But the promise of a change in scenery
Is one that I hold to.

So I'll take my puzzleknot
And put in on a shelf
And every time I look at it
I'll just remind myself

That even though I know the story
Know the twists and turns
Every single crooked glory
Is something I have earned.

Living in the space between
And acknowledging the truth
There's no being us
or loving me,
Without me loving you.

Acceptance.

The next mountain looks a lot closer than I thought it was before. And I'll happily help you get to the top, even if at the end of it all, we're looking at different views.

No matter what we become I'll always cherish what we were.

Keep writing.

Sam Ciel Dec 2019

Double Time

3.

Heartbreak isn't easy
When there's nobody to blame
No malice spite or jealousy
To hide beneath your shame

Just four irreverent hands
Reaching out at remnant strands
Of exactly what might have been
While trying to displace what was
So that they can at least stay near each other
Not fear each other
And the infinite possibilities in one another's arms
That sweet siren's song will do more harm than good
If either one of them should
Surrender to that impulse
And let wandering eyes do more than dream
Let irreverent hands grab those seams
And unravel the tapestry of
"What ifs"
And
"We coulds"
Never stopping for "buts" or "shoulds"
Should we really continue on like this
Dancing with the devil two steps from bliss
I'm not worried about what we'll do
I'm worried about how I'll think of you
And my two left feet

To complete this metaphor
I'm worried that if you want more
And can dance the devil's crooked tune
Swinging partners under moonlight
Keeping rhythm and hope in time
One in heart and one in mind
That I simply can't keep up

While I'm suspended in that dip
Supported by your fingertips
What if your partner takes your hand
And never lets it go again

Heartbreak isn't easy
When there's nobody to blame
So forgive me if I choose not to dance
This dangerous refrain

Three people dancing
Three different tunes
Is a good way to step on some feet.

And I don't want any of us getting hurt again.

Keep writing.

Sam Ciel Dec 2019

Lifeboat

2.

Let me get these words in ink
So that maybe I won't think
of them any longer. My mind can wander
no more preponderance on you
you see
memory is fleeting
and mine flows swift
but words don't stop repeating
so long as you keep reading
them

Keep reading them
and kneading them
work them over like paltry dough
sculpting faces you don't know
what shape they'll take just the ones they took
work them rough and don't look
back
only forward

forwards to the future
where lightning lips don't strike like thunder
where maelstrom eyes can't pull you under
to a future where you
can simply float

a boat atop a quiet sea
where love gets lost in foam
and all that's left atop the ship
is a heart without a home

A poem a day to keep the pain away. If I put my thoughts on paper, I can come back to them later.

Keep writing.

Sam Ciel Dec 2019

Reprieve

Twilight fire
Burning bright
Dancing in the winter light
Keep us warm and bring us night
And carry us to Spring

Everything in its season.

Keep writing.