i am afraid of
losing loved ones
and being alone in the dark,
but mostly,
i am afraid of being
merely tolerated
when i want so badly to be loved.

they told me to pour my heart into everything i do
so that's what i did
i poured and poured and poured,
now they ask me why i'm so empty
when i was just doing what i was told.

i want to tell you i miss you
with no subtext.
no guilt, no anger, no expectation
that you'll fix it.
i don't want you to feel bad
or tell me it will get better.
this is where we are meant to be
right now - me apart from you,
my hands a little empty
and my heart a little sad.
i miss you,
i just wanted you to know.

it's like sinking,
you're not even trying to swim.
you can see the sun shining just above the water.
the rays shooting down on the ocean surface,
shattering into a million glitters
its the brightest light.

but you're down there.
in the dark, murky depths of the ocean.

i can see it
but for some reason
i don't bother swimming up to that beautiful light.

it is just this peaceful acceptance if sinking,
and not swimming up.

you're a work of art.
not everyone will understand you
but the ones who do
will never forget you.

dissociation in the shower
i don't think my mom loves me
i can't remember if i washed my hair

i just want to love you.
i want to love you when you're sick
and need a blanket or hot soup.
i want to love you when you're sad
and falling apart on the bathroom floor.
i want to love you when you're mad
and want nothing more than
to scream at the top of your lungs.
i want to love you when you're happy
and smiling that beautiful smile.
i want to love you when you're sleepy
and you have that adorable sleepy voice.
i want to love you when you're excited
and you can't contain your adorable giggles.
i want to love you on your good days
and i want to love you even harder on your bad days.
i want to love you.
so let me,
please.

don't promise me forever,
just promise me that if you ever stop loving me
you'll tell me.

i hate being okay
because okay is not happy
but okay is not bad enough for anyone to care

you are the single most
beautiful thing to ever exist.
art wishes to look more like you.
poetry cannot even compare
to all of the beautiful words
coming out of your mouth.
seeds don't want to grow into plants
they want to grow into you.
the sun is dim in comparison to
how bright you shine.
your bones are lucky
to be able you hold you together.
every single cell inside of you is beautiful.
the sun rises every morning
just to see your face,
and i do the same.

you were in love
with the way i
made you feel.

it was the simplest of touch
your fingers brushing against mine
that made me realize,
i'm not complete.
it ignited a fire in me
that would only feel at home
in the warmth of your soul.
i'm not feeling whole,
come touch me again, please.

i can't write you a poem,
but i can hold you
when you feel as light
as the clouds
and as heavy as the rain.

i can't write you a poem,
but i can talk about the flutters
in your laugh when i trip
over the shoes you told me to move,
the sea in your eyes when the light pours
through the window at noon on a sunday,
and your cold hands that feel
so good against my sweaty palms
for hours on end.

i can't write you a poem,
but i can trace circles
across your back
until you fall asleep.

i can't write you a poem,
but i can string every fiber of my heart
around your beautiful soul.

i can't write you a poem,
but here is this.

self-destruction doesn't always look like taking too many pills or cutting your skin open,
sometimes it's drinking coffee when you know caffeine gives you panic attacks.
sometimes its crossing the street without looking both ways.
sometimes it's showering with the water a little too hot.
sometimes it's avoiding eyes contact with your reflection in the mirror or ridiculing your problems, rather than addressing them.
sometimes it's walking out without sunscreen on in scorching heat
or not wearing enough when it's freezing out.
self-destruction isn't always physical mutilation,
mostly it's masked as little things.
so never assume what someone may be going through
just because they don't show visible signs of suffering.

i like the quiet hours
of the morning,
when the air is still,
the sun hasn't crawled
above the horizon,
the birds have yet to wake,
and the cars that roll by
are few and far between.

it's nice to wake
to the worlds slumber-
before the footsteps rumble the earth
and voices echo across the sky-
the simplicity of existence being forgotten
among the hustle and bustle of life.

the thought of you enters my mind as i slip into seep.
there are questions that simply must be asked
but i am not prepared for your answers.
like do you think of me?
do thoughts of our future keep you up at night too?
do you lose sleep worrying about me?
do you think of her when you're with me?
do you regret every mean thing you've ever said to me?
do you miss me when you hear our song?
do you love me at all?

loving you was like a car crash.
sparks & screeches filling the air,
spinning until the world became a blur.
shard of glass thrown against my lap.
all i felt were achy muscles.
bruised bones & torn skin.
the air was make of smoke
& in the end,
the only thing left were bits and pieces,
scattered across the ground,
of what used to be.

i wish i could tell you how much i love you.
i wish i could describe all the ways you've helped me.
the nights i wanted to end it all,
those voices screaming all the bad things,
i thought of you.
how much i wanted to see you the next day
i wanted to exaggerate a story just to make you smile.
hug you, kiss you,
tell you i love you.
how could i describe how you've
saved my life innumerable times,
without even knowing?
i wish i wasn't the person i am.
and now you're sad
and i wish i could pull all of that sadness out of you
and put it into myself.
i wish you could see what i see in you.
i wish you knew what you meant to me.
please know that i love you
and i don't stand a chance without you.
please don't do this to yourself.
i know you're a mess
but the voices in my head are growing louder,
please don't leave me here alone.

i would have loved you, you know?
i would have loved all of you.
i would have loved the drool on your cheek
and the bad morning breath you.
i would have loved the "just one more minute"
you, even though we both knew
you actually meant five.
i would have loved the snow in your hair
and rosy cheeks in the winter you.
i would have loved the messy hair
and tired eyes when you've been up all night you.
i would have loved the sad
"i don't wanna be here anymore" you.
i would have loved the random
dance with me in the kitchen you
and i would have loved the energetic
lets go for a hike at three in the morning you.
i would have loved it all.
i would have loved the insecurities
and the doubts
and the fears.
i would have loved all of you.

i will fall for you like gravity had let go of the earth.

you told me you were leaving because i smoke cigarettes
i stopped smoking in fear
of losing you forever
i went by your place to tell
you i broke my bad habit
i saw you pressing your lips
against someone new,
my walk home was lonely and
the only thing pressed to my
lips was a cigarette.
i guess its time to quit
my bad habit.

in days like these
i'd prefer not to breathe
i need someone
to hold me a bit tighter
but i push everyone further away
and then complain
when i'm left alone
i don't know what i want
but i know that id much rather die
than live another moment
drowning in my own made up sorrow
fresh air wont clear out my covered in dust lungs
i cant talk to anyone
i don't see the point in saying anything
ill let the loneliness eat me away
until my common sense comes back
give me some time to find myself
ill be human again
but not today
not right now.

you're not here,
but you are, if that makes sense?
like the moon after the day wakes
or the pain that's trapped
inside the scar on my knee.
i wish you were a scar
or something other than glass shards
beneath my skin.
i'm tired of seeing your reflection
between the blood.
because you didn't love me,
i know you didn't.
because nights with me were just nights
that faded into morning
and back into night
and back into morning again.
because my hands
were only dry, calloused flesh.
because my eyes were just two brown circles.
because my heart
was no more than
just an *****.

i woke up this morning
with a heavy heart
and an empty stomach
i thought that maybe
maybe this is my life
homesickness
empty spaces
words left unsaid
and ones i wish
i never spoke
maybe its all there is
maybe its all i deserve