Memorize.
I memorize the details of your face.
You're leaving for a week,
I know that doesn't sound like much
but to me, it's forever.
I memorize the way you close your eyes
and the way you take a breath.
I memorize how soft your skin is.
I memorize the shape of your cheeks
and the feeling of your skin beneath my fingertips.
I memorize the shape of your brows and shuttered eyes
and the feel of them beneath the pad of my thumb.
I memorize the gentle ***** of your nose
and how it felt as my fingertips trailed it.
I memorize the soft silk of your hair
and how it felt as I brushed your bangs back.
I memorize the shape of your lips
as I trace them with my fingertip.
I memorize your smell
as I bury my face into your neck.
I memorize the feeling of your
arms wrapped around me.
Finally, I memorize the taste of your kiss.
The way your mouth moves against mine,
and the flavor of your tongue.
Now you're leaving and I feel
the tears fill my eyes as I watch you leave.
But I know I'll be okay.
I have you in my memories.
Just know, love,
I'll be waiting until these
memories are no more
and you're back here with me.
I love you.

Something happened last night.
You had a lot of moments of vulnerability.
of openess you normally don't show.
I tried to memorize every detail,
the way you sighed,
how I could almost hear the shuddering of memories,
your voice as I kept you awake
softly sweet and gravelly with that sad undertone.
An instance represents best is when
I said I'd go in all black if you wanted me to be badass,
your hand traced patterns as you chuckled softly
and said "only for a funeral"
I tell you I've never been to one.
there's a beat of silence then I ask you.
you sigh as you say "too many"
normally you'd brush it off
but your voice told me you were exposing yourself to me
You sound older than possible for the
twenty year old go-getter smiling boy
you show everyone else.
There's so much more to you
that nobody can see.
I love being the one to know.

Do you remember when they said,
'Don't worry. There are no monsters
under your bed.'?
They were right.
The monsters moved from imagination
under your bed
to reality
in your head.

It's Saturday morning.
3 am and counting
I've been staring at the
walls, ceiling, floors, sheets.
Anything my eyes can see.
I feel exhausted but I can't sleep again.
Instead I'm writing on this paper from
the light of my lamp.
I feel lonely again...
I walked by my sister's room and saw her asleep.
Stood outside my little siblings room and heard nothing.
My parents room was dark.
I'm listening to Nirvana and Kings of Leon and all
my tortured, pained music that can affect me
like no other.
The incredible pain and rawness you hear in their voices.
the twisted confusion in their lyrics.
This music understands me better than anybody I know.

You'll never fit in,
but that's okay
I'll take you in
and lead you away,
I'll teach you how to love
The shutters of your eyes are closed
to me.
Won't you open them and let me see?
(Oh please)
Show me the way
Be the one I will love and have love
in return
I can't promise to erase,
but I can help you create

There's a fan on my ceiling
Circling air around and around me.
Laying on my bed in the dark
I think about the day to come
And I cringe.
Turning over, pushing the blankets off of me
I take a deep breath and trace patterns on the wall, absentmindedly.
...
Thinking about the hallways and the rush to get from place to place,
From one idea to another.
The laughter, the chatter, the bumping of shoulders and impatience.
The bright sunlight and so many people
All crowded into one area.
...
The air in my room finally is cooling down,
It feels dark in here, safe, warm without being uncomfortable.
The clock ticks downs the seconds, minutes, hours til my day starts.
I dread it. I want to stay here.
In my bed, in the dark.
Comfortable, safe, and alone.
...
Away from people and noise and expectations and lights and responsibility.
Curled in my corner of the bed, facing the wall and making patterns on the wall in the dark.
I want to stay right here....forever.

Laying in bed and I notice how
empty it is.
how empty everything is.
It all means nothing.
Everything I do and have done.
It was all for this nothingness.
I want to shatter it and break out.
I want to scream until the world is deaf.
I don't want to be here, in all this emptiness.
...
and its not that I'm suicidal.
I just don't want to be here or with all these
fake people who are and do nothing.
I'd take you, and maybe a few others away from this
life with me.
we'll never come back to this, our, hell.
I promise.

I'd like to say one day
That I'll be definitely, unquestionably,
without a doubt, absolutely, 100%
okay.
But I don't know if I can say that.
I'm happy
but I'm not.
I can laugh and smile
but it's not the same.
I can love
but I still hate.
I don't know if I'll be the okay
you want me to be one day.

I woke up this morning
with a voice in my head
telling me they loved me.
I felt invisible arms hold me,
and I felt airy hair whisper over my skin
as they leaned over me
and see through lips kissed mine.
I felt my pain go away
as I gave into this little
lie of comfort,
this little lie of indulgence.
I've been sleeping alone for years,
and my heart has had a sheet
covering it, slowly collecting dust.
I turned over to search for this covert lover.
Then I woke up again.
The slow, but growing sensation
of shock started in my stomach,
and spread to my lungs
as I opened my mouth to
say a name I didn't know,
and tried to breathe through
the ever-soft rivers traveling down
my face onto my sheets.
I cried into the morning dusk,
begging for that ignorance again.
God, I just want to be loved,
even if it's by a ghost.

like4like when I admitted my feelings quickly
for her to give in slowly
#tbt to when love felt like a possibility
#yolo? Everyday with her was a lifetime of happiness
#selfie for the times I wanted to see if the warmth inside me
was showing for her
#tgif for the nights I'd spend with her til early morning in love

You are the Devil
and you make me feel
like an angel
draped in black and red
and sin-ister kisses.
God, I worship you.

Bottom of the bottle,
end of the ninth.
Come out darkness
      into the light
Trying to find out what is right
kiss me kiss me kiss me
make you miss me.
Your messages are coming through
      but I'm switching channels.
I think I'm holding the remote,
but the pain is like a moat.
Nobody's getting to me
      (nobody nobody nobody nobody)
Not 'til I say it's to be.
I hold out for hope I'll catch you soon
Lord knows I've killed myself
       enough for the chance.
Once you found a needle in your shirt,
it became the knife in my back.
You wanted me angry, spiteful, violent
      (it would've made it easier for you)
You didn't expect my kiss.
       my love, my amorous feelings, my admiration
      longing and heartbreak.
You broke my heart in place
But I was the one who walked away.

I'm scared.
I'm scared of waking up one day
and realizing I didn't do anything.
I didn't do enough.
I'm scared I'll never travel or go places.
I didn't try hard enough.
I'm scared I won't be successful or secure.
I didn't work hard enough.
But most of all,
I'm scared for my happiness.
I'm scared for you,
of losing you.
And knowing that
I didn't love enough.
Please.
Don't let me wake up scared.
Let me wake up to you.

I've tried praying
but I lost my faith
        going down on my knees
Pushing myself a little further
                             a little faster
on this dirt road to living
       Or is it dying?
I'm getting tired of keeping
up this persona.
The partier, worker, student,
and lover.
I can't remember the last time
I slept more than 4 hours.
Just a little further,
        a little faster.
Keep it up.
I'm running top speed
but fuel is running low.
Can I keep up?

I met you last Friday night
to swim and watch movies.
I remember thinking you were cute,
and I liked how you smiled at me.
It made me feel admired.
Saturday night, I got drunk enough
to see galaxies in the vapors from your mouth.
I kissed you, and we were both a little hooked.
You held me when I cried in my stupor,
comforted me as I threw up in your bathroom,
and even covered me as I bathed in front of you,
because you couldn't leave me alone.
(And I didn't let you.)
Wednesday afternoon, I sat over you
staring into your beautiful browns,
wondering at the bright surface
while darker thoughts sat behind underneath.
I tried asking you questions,
and seeing if I could open you up to me.
I want to know every corner of your
body, mind, and soul.
I know it's too soon,
but it's what I want from you.
On Thursday evening, your birthday,
I wrote you a letter.
And I spent the entire evening with you.
You, the social butterfly with a dark past,
and me, the new girl with an old perspective.
You introduced me to everyone as your girlfriend,
and I could see the pride, and happiness.
I could feel it in me too.
I can't say it. Not yet.
But I think you and I can feel it
soon.
The road so far.

"She said she was like the sun."
The young girl sobbed to herself
on the bathroom floor.
the tears slipped down her face
as the blade glided over her skin.
scarring her skin
to heal the
wound in her heart
...
in the late hours after,
when the pain had ceased
and the numbness had come,
she asked the night
"And how am I to compare
when there is no greater star
in our galaxy?"

Time is but a concept that we all fall for.
Time is just a rendition of
     a song the stars play by
Yet here we all are
     thinking we've got all the
            time in the world
While it slips by faster than
     you can say
            goodbye.

I have the urge to feel fire
in my throat and stomach.
A bottle of tequila, a shot glass
and the music of a haunted man.
To lay back and feel the burn
is the cure to the hole in my
shattered heart.
I want to drown everything
I want to forget you and erase you
from my thoughts, but I don't either.
I want to remember every
smile, laugh, kiss and touch.
I don't know what to drown
myself in...
the drink or the illusion my
memory gives.

a Dark promise
A smooth mouth
Words fall to honeyed poison
The want to touch
To feel the heat rise
(An elliptical ride)
A soft here and a rough where?
Damp breath and warm covers
Inexperienced dancer
Softly harsh against skin
A ward against sin
A movement slow
The rise and release
Dull, thudding pain
With a sharp twinge
(Walk it off)
Bruises form
Point and whisper
Heartbreak
A shattered dimension
Damage aspirationed
A toxic taste
With a damaged face

I don't know if*
   I'm ready to fall in love with
   the boy who makes sunshine
   on rainy days, and is the best part
   of the great days.
   Whose hugs feel like safety, and
   kisses like heaven.
   That's not to say he's innocent,
   because there's no hell like the
   burn I feel when he's between
   my legs, and his hips are on mine.
In the grey sky dawn of a Tuesday,
   the one patch of sunlight
   between my shuttered window
   hits the roses perched by my
   bedside, and I wonder if
   the boy made of stardust, and
   chocolate, and soft touches
   should be mine,
   because I'm falling apart,
   and coming back together
trying not to love him too.

You are lovely.
love-ly
love-lie
love-lies
You just have
the prettiest
love-lies,
and I don't mind
being gullible
for a bit.

My emotions make my writing
messy
I mean so much more than I say.
I wish I could
               put a dictionary next to
               my heart and let
               my breaths write the
               feelings into the walls
               of my body
               because my tongue
               can't etch the words
               into the air.
It all slips through my teeth like
     slimy water.
I can feel and understand what I'm
     doing and trying to convey
but my words just aren't enough.
My voice fails to show how I really
am, who I really am.
I want to awe, and inspire
     but I'm stuck on the other side of that.
Always amazed, but never amazing.
I didn't lose my voice,
                I just never had one.

on and on and on
so much space ruined
by simple human emotion.
we are destructive beings, after all.
nobody will care,
but also...nobody cares because I don't tell them.
I can't find my lover,
with the three, sharp and cold rings,
whose silver smile cut through me quicker
than your glance.
I feel unconnected
I can't do the actual damage,
so I fantasize about it,
dream about it,
trace it out on my skin with my fingers.
even now,
I can't break my promise.

1:12 am**
I sit up in bed.
I can’t love her.
It’s impossible.
Dark long curls
Smatterings of freckles
Bright pink lips
with an even brighter mind.
The way she kissed me
A burning passion
that set fire in my core
The way her hands held mine
and explored in between my thighs.
Our friendship had all the
promises of a love affair.
Impossible.
I couldn’t love her.
She was like a forbidden fruit
that I long to taste time and again.
We were two lonely girls
who found solace in each other.
Desperate for affection
and attention.
Ours was a false love story
But it didn’t make it any less true.

Reach out to the corner of darkness
in your mind
Wrap it around you
It is your shield from the illuminant
From the fake, shiny and perfect
Break away and turn inwards
Towards your pain,
            your twisted,
     your imperfection.
Nobody knows of the red and the black
Of the glint and the pulse
Nobody but the voices and the broken.

I walk along these halls,
Bright, blinding white all around
My breathing quickens and tremors
in a panic.
I feel trapped in all this sheer
blankness,
I scream and bang on the walls,
begging to be released
I slam my palms into the walls of this
cage until I'm exhausted
and on the floor.
The only thing that is still ramming
and breaking and struggling is my heart.
Searching for a way out still.
Foolish thing.
The heart has no thought to know it's
useless and no eyes to see the
futility.
Calm, I breathe. Give it up, I whisper
to my panicked heart.
Ushering it to be still.
Give in, it's okay. If you stop, this will all go away.
I promise.
Slowly, slowly the blood in my heart
stopped thrumming and I bled out into
the whiteness.
Staining red the blank, empty
whiteness these halls were.
-Oh well-I think through the fog
-My heart is stopping, there will be
peace again.-
With the last few soft thumps of my
heart I smile at the halls.
There will be no more horror or
blankness or pain in here.
It will be gone with me.
I smile.
It's a white smile. But it isn't evil or
strangling.
Gentle and soft. Warm.
The girl is happily dead.

Warped girl
You'll never know the warmth, girl
You're stuck in the dark
Forever in the dark
Separation leads to suffering
Love that was never reclaimed
Walk away and leave me here
I shot down all my dreams
'Cause I'm a warped girl
I'll never know the sun anymore
The hole that she dug is now my grave
Words across a page,
They'll never be the same
You've built yourself a wall
And kept them out of all
That trust you once had is now just like sand
You feel yourself falling
You're standing alone on the battlefield that is your mind
The blood is your own,
It's seeping through your conscience,
The addiction is raw, the pain fresh
The only feeling you've left is
That of a razor blade and a burn
You don't know where it went
That feeling of content
The pain is gone, you're numb
So pick it up and draw it back across your skin
It's innocence is gone,
The only thing you feel is that
Of red, pulsing red,
It hurts, it burns
It leads you out from yourself,
The blade is your friend
You're a warped girl
You don't deserve to live

loneliness.
what is it?
for me, it's pacing up and down
in the middle of a road barefoot
staring up at that stars,
knowing that inside the house
my two best friends are making love
to each other,
wondering why that can't be me too.
instead i walk along this broken asphalt
and it's 1 am
and i'm staring at those tiny lights
feeling so far away and empty.
missing you, but knowing
that i probably lost us.
i'm sorry.

I want to write about your lips
and your kiss.
How incredibly soft and warm they
always are.
Pressed gently or roughly against mine,
they always show your love.
You are gorgeous,
smiling and frowning.
A perfect moon and a perfect pout.
So full and lovely.
I could watch you talk all day
and memorize the way they move,
and when I catch a glimpse of your
teeth or a sliver of your tongue.
I don't think you realize just how
much I've watched you.
You are beautiful,
and I'll always listen to what you
have to say.

i've never met anybody with the same
soul searching, billowing dream,
road wandering, life seeking
love like me.
you and your dark eyes,
that lighten in the presence of the sun
from outside and within,
turning them into warm brown honey,
i think you melt me with your stare
and i don't want to solidify ever again.
you're changing me inside and out,
unlocking more and more parts,
maybe soon you'll have my heart.
your mouth on mine loosens up
my words and mind
and i find myself ever opening to you
lets go slow you whisper to me.
from my bedroom floor,
i can't promise anything but myself.