I’m addicted to feeling numb

and my ex is right what they say about me, I’m so sorry for the girl lying here beside me

time didn’t make it easier and I think I’m still sick, I think I’m getting sicker

I didn’t mean to hurt her, I don’t want anyone to have to hurt like this

if you ignore hunger pains long enough, you stop feeling them
I just want to stop feeling this

there is nothing extraordinary about me
nothing worth rescuing anymore

is it ****** up that when i heard my friend had died i cried
and wished i could be so lucky

i feel guilty more for never thinking about my mom
and how in two weeks it'll have been three years
and how i can still see it in my sister's jaw, the way she bites her tongue to keep from screaming

mostly i just wonder how she keeps it up
how i'm supposed to bite my tongue at all the razors come slip from between my lips, slash holes through my gentle girlfriend and my scared brother

i am so scared of how much longer i'm expected to keep this up
i have tried and tried and i cannot survive with this pain in my chest
there isn't any room left for new scars

i want to swallow all the pills i've ever kissed and drop off the edge of this ****** up cliff i've been ******* to for years

i want to know what it's like to finally sleep

i don't want to be rescued, i never did

you are worse than ******

what a compliment, that you could so easily **** off all the good left in me with just a taste

*******
****** was sweeter than you, vinegar and baking soda and something worse than death

I never missed you for a second
I never missed you at all

I forget about your name on my skin and she never mentions you

she kisses the back of my neck before she falls asleep every night and it is almost like you never existed at all


you wrote on my bedroom wall so I moved my bed, she wrote over it

the only times I think of you are to wish you were dead
I wish you felt the pain it was to be with you

but more than anything I feel sorry
you will never know what it is to have my heart

She doesn't write anymore
not since before me
(and you can call that cocky if you'd like but) she's not the same
bitter sweet with nothing sweet about her and desperate for something that sounds like it did before

You
God you sound like symphonies (and I was never really one for classics but)
I can feel my skin come alive with the way you say my name
and of course I will see you through this

After all
I love you

I blacked out in my bed last week, which is almost like falling asleep

until she told me my lips turned blue and my chest stopped dipping

and my head's still spinning trying to imagine the look on her face when she cracked three of my ribs while she begged 911 dispatch to tell her how to make me breathe again

I hate everything about waking up naked tangled up in tubes and wires and a face mask after my little brother dragged me on to the floor so EMT had a clear path to get to me

nothing about this is beautiful anymore
I've got a sick sense of Deja Vu and I still haven't quite caught my breath

I don't know which means more,

that it's been five months since I counted out the grains of salt it would take to get me through my next dry spell well enough to get out of bed..

or that it's been at least two months since I even thought of pin ***** needle point as an escape from ...well, anything

she came and left in these late months, when the sun sets too early and the night stretches on for days

and the night really does seem to last an eternity on evenings like these, when I am missing you so deeply

I found new love, mom, and she doesn't make me feel small for wishing you were still here
and she has the most beautiful heart, and you would smile if you saw us together

she is so gentle, ma, she holds me with so much kindness and I know you would be so proud of me for finding love in someone who has just as much to give back to me

I could never feel empty pouring myself into someone who spends so much trying to fill me back up

I wish you knew her, ma
I wish she got to know the warmth I come from

it's not fair that you didn't get to see me turn out happy
after so long watching me struggle though pitch black nights,
you deserve to get to see your baby alive in the sunlight