heart beat. no air. empty lungs. breathe slow. don't move. heart beat. blue lips. heart beat. dial tone. pick up. pick up. sirens. no air. dial tone. voices. empty lungs. no pulse. pick up. pick up. 911. over and over. again. again. again. "I'm sorry". heart beat. needles. short breaths. come on.

teenagers run when they get scared.

he's just a boy. heavy pulse. blue lips. why.

why why why why why

sirens. "I love you". sirens. "I'm sorry". sirens. "I'm leaving now". sirens.

he's gone.
knock knock. "open up". "police".

I can't wake up anymore
WITHOUT WANTING TO PUKE

and my house is haunted
by a dead boy still walking

and he says that he's sorry


but I still can't breathe

today I am more afraid to live

watching a boy I barely know rot inside his own flesh

begging me to stop it

whatever it is that is killing him


my life has come to its turning point
I just wish I could go back


I'm sorry

it's 2 a.m. and I've been sober for a week and that's the longest I've been sober in months and you're asleep on the couch because you are too afraid to go upstairs after Matt especially at night and I have nightmares every time I close my eyes and oh god I am terrified

so I'm starting over

packed up everything with your name tattooed on it
and set it on fire
and I guess that means pieces of myself too..

so like a snake shedding its skin I don't want any reminders of you

I threw away my favorite jacket.
the black one
because it's the first thing you ever saw me wear
and when I look too closely at it I can see the way your hungry eyes ate up all the air between us
and I have never been sweet enough for you to devour

so I bottled up all my love magic
like a molotov cocktail
and watched it crash into the building where we met
the hallways that spelled out "eventually"
and "maybe this time we might get it right"

I'd burn out my bloodstream like gasoline
if it meant I could erase your handprints from around my heart

you exist in every corner of my life
the shadows in the peripheral of my line of sight
it's a shame that flames leave scars too and that's the only way I can think to get rid of you

but I'm getting used to the heat

I realized tonight that I don't love you
and the tattoo of you wrapped around my shoulders hasn't comforted me in ages

but memories are as deadly..

do you remember the night I fell asleep clutching a bottle of xanax and adderall
a concoction from hell
blackout and ****** that I can't trust either of us alone anymore
that's the first time you call me "******" to my face

and wasn't it a surprise that everything only got worse after that

remember when you'd hold me when I was terrified of waking up
and you'd sing so sweetly to sooth the rush of poison in my veins

remember when the blood trail behind the needle was ****
and making love is how we'd describe the way we ****** with our clothes on and the lights out

yeah, me neither

remember the first time we got physical
and it wasn't **** at all

YEAH, ME NEITHER
maybe because it happens all the time now

remember when waking up wasn't the scary part anymore?
because we were more worried about whether we were falling asleep
or just dying this time

you can count me out of that one, too!!
because I have been so ready to close my eyes for so long since you

remember the first time you didn't mean it when you said "i love you"
I wanna be certain we're thinking of the same instance
that I wasn't just months late to the punchline
of this ****** up joke we've been playing on each other ever since we decided to stop sleeping in the same bed

I swear to the only god that'll ever save me
whoever she is
I'll go back to the misery of meeting every morning like a battle field if it means I don't ever have to think of you again

but I remember everything you ever said
every time you held your head back while I traced your pale skin for a good place to inject our sins
I remember exactly what you tasted like the first time we kissed
after begging for all the percocet I had left

remember the way that I loved you..
and how dangerous it'd be
if I still did

I imagine getting high with you tastes like kerosene down my throat
like numb lips curled back in a halfway kind of smile
like trying to figure out which of these corroded veins will bleed best

I imagine getting high with you like 19 hours of switching between who's on top
like teeth on any flesh you leave exposed
like how many shots does it take for you to tell me you want me

I imagine getting high with you everytime I close my eyes or I see blue webs played out in the back of my hands
I need it like something terrible

I imagine getting high with you in snapshot moments and **** they taste so sweet but not nearly as much as
kissing you sober