There was a man
sitting at the end of the bar
so I bought him a drink.
“Thank you, miss,”
he said.
I smiled
and left the bar
being carried by gusts of warm wind.
I went to my apartment
and cleaned the entire place
blasting music
loud enough for the neighbors
to hear.
I drew large,
colorful
pictures
and taped them to the wall
by my bed
to look at from time to time.
I drank an entire bottle of wine,
white wine,
and went to sleep
wrapped in warm blankets
and warm thoughts.
The next morning
I woke up with a smile
taking up residence on my face.
Then I opened the door
and almost stepped out into the hall
before the cold, gray
ghosts
pushed me into the pool
of cold, ***** water.
I sat on the floor
wrapped in blankets
but unable to ward off the cold.
I banged my head on a table,
repeatedly
but didn't feel a thing.
I looked at all of the bottles
of pills
that I had collected.
And I contemplated taking a few
or the whole bottle.
But I didn't.
I downed half a bottle
of *****
and hated myself.
I looked at myself,
scowling in the mirror.
“Go **** yourself,”
I told the reflection.
All of the sudden
the warmth came back
and I put flowers in a vase
and gazed at them lovingly.
I smiled at myself in the mirror,
proud of who I was
and everything I had ever done.
I thought excitedly
about everything I would do tomorrow,
the next day
and the next day.
Then I purposely knocked the flowers
off the table
with my closed fist
and downed an entire bottle of pills.