you see the surface
but you can’t see beneath
you only see clear waters
but do you see the pain
and do you see grieve
do you see the roots of an emotional trauma
add suffering, torment, agony and add a comma
please, help me stop
help me heal
look beyond the surface
and try to see
all the woes i tend to conceal
listen to my silent screams
and the swollenness of my throat
through the late night tears
my soul is weary
and my sadness has caused me a wreak havoc
o how tragic
that the twinkle of my soft eyes
have dismally lost its magic
                                   -s.a

i guess it’s all hitting me now
the fact that this is it
the fact that i can no longer wait for you
the fact that this is over
the dreams ive had of you
of us
they were never true  
along the time i painted you a picture
that i wish i was able to still keep
the picture was all in colors
but you painted over it with grey
the picture was perfect
but now it’s fading
one thing i know though is that
you’ll look for me
you’ll look for me in all the other girls you meet
but you won’t be able to find me
you won’t be able to replace me
the love i had for you would’ve probably
healed you, it would’ve saved you
the way i laid my eyes on you
was something you could never do
i saw past all your flaws
when instead i should have
been looking at you for who you actually are
                                                  -s.a

the love i have for you  
will never turn to hate
but it sure will dissipate
over time i longed for you
and i waited
i prayed i dreamt
and i loved never hated
there’s nothing i haven’t done
but this is me
this is my time to finally leave
it’s time i move on
it’s time i wish well
to the very best
i never had
but from a far
even though i know
somewhere in the back of my mind
you’ll always be there
                                         -s.a

it’s a cycle,
all you seem to find is pain in every place you go
every person you meet
how can you see the light,
how can you smile
when all you feel is pain in the place
you’re supposed to feel the most safe
you no longer have the will to look for it there
so you look for it outside
you look for it in others
hoping to find there what you’ve long lost
you build homes inside of them
thinking they’ll stay & be there
then when they up & leave
you’re left lost..
so lost and confused
where did i go wrong?
what did i do?
is it them or is it you..
                                      -s.a

i’m  a raging sea
fighting the battles within me
you assume you know me
but all you really know
is what i allow you to see
and instead of understanding  
you choose to make assumptions
doomed by the surprises
i tend to reveal
look into my eyes
you’d see, the words
i dare not to speak

scars left from a previous lover
the absence of a family member
and an aching memory
of a dying friendship
scars left from self-harm
a breaking heart
and the thought of giving up
scars left from your childhood
from running freely in a play-ground
and scars left from sorrows
you are trying too hard to drown
they’re hidden deep
too deep for the eyes to see
wounds heal but they never disappear
you fall, you rise and you grow
but the scars that are left behind
is the proof of what you went through

                                                           s.a

there’s comfort in solitude
there’s peace

in solitude there’s no question of intentions
there’s satisfaction

there's knowing where you stand & where you don’t there’s calmness of oneself, its extravagant

sometimes you need to learn how to stand alone in order to have the strength to stand w others

there’s serenity in being in solitary and fully content  
not dependent on anybody

learn to stand alone so when you do
you stand tall
with a head held so high
going through it all
the rises & the falls  
                                              s.a

oh mother, how you never fail to be there for me
supporting me and guiding me

i remember days when i would run and hide between your arms when the world turns its back on me

i remember nights when you stayed up taking care of me giving up your health for the sake of mine

i remember your tears, your hugs, your kisses & your laughs
your pep talks and helping me build the colored blocks

mother

oh mother, this world was never fair to you
this world doesn’t deserve you
for all that you are and all that you do

you were given a test that i know is hard
but i know God loves you
and if you only knew
how He only gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers

mother

oh mother, how my heart aches at the sound of your weak voice
how my eyes tears at your falling hair
at your weak body that can no longer stand tall
if i could only give you my life and the one after all

mother

oh mother, my Godsend my Angel
my infinite love and safe heaven

i pray for you for you health and for your strength
for you to be my side till i’m grey and white

                                                                 -s.a

you claim you’re so hard to love
but what about you is hard to love
is it your vulnerability?
or your warm smile?
or your soft beautiful brown eyes?
and the way they shine
at the sight of someone you love
is it the way you empathize with others
or the way you try so hard to hide
the love you carry that you’re so afraid to give
you claim you’re so hard to love
yet you’re so willingly always ready to forgive
those who never deserved you
you claim you’re so hard to love
yet not once did you fail to show up for those
who were always absent in your times of need
you claim you’re so hard to love
yet you still feel bad for choosing yourself
for being your own priority
for reaching out to the hands
who turned you down constantly
you claim you’re so hard to love
but what about you is hard to love
that at times when you had nothing
love was all you were ever capable to give
every time you chose to give love
hoping with fingers crossed you’ll get it back

so tell me why is it you claim you’re so hard to love
what about you isn’t worth fighting for
i think it’s because you were never shown true love
or maybe it’s because you don’t think somebody is strong enough
to take on someone as inviolable as yourself
you still yet to meet the person
who's ready for the type of love you provide
you claim you’re so hard to love
but what’s worth it is never easy to have, love

                                                           ­              s.a

i yearn for the love i never had i never felt
the love that saves and conquers

for the words that are often left unspoken
out of fear of getting heartbroken

i yearn for the days where my soul is lifted
and darkness been sifted

i was wrong
when i looked for love
and built homes in the hearts of those
who were never taught how to love

i yearn for a love so fierce so strong
it burns down cities they become undone

those soft brown eyes of yours
are yearning for light for hope

for the times when you look up & the stars align
and your smile is genuine, your heart is full

i yearn for it all for the love & the hope
for the laughs & the talks

for knowing it’ll be alright
                                                  -s.a

i sometimes lose the experience of truly being present
i lose focus of the moment and my attention span wears out
i detach from my surroundings and i’m no longer there
i mean i’m there
but my mind’s drifting far
so far away
im..somewhere
it looks familiar but at the same time its vivid
im lingering in this place not sure for how long
it’s like i’ve been drugged, dozed off the face of reality
but then im awakened by a distant voice  
a sound so melancholic it pulls at my heartstrings
could swear i’ve heard it all my life but where?
is it a stranger?
an acquaintance?
or someone i’ve known my whole life?
i can’t seem to tell,
it’s like i’m cast under a spell

-s.a

lying down with energy drained
bones too weak
my sadness is a conniving guard & i feel detained
eyes fixed upon the emptiness of the room
as i feel the air thickens around me
and there it is again
the never ending pain
i feel the knot in my throat
as it slowly starts to form
im holding back my tears from falling
everything is moving in slow motion
and the darkness of the night comes crawling
and i-
here was i waiting or more like dreading
the day it’ll all hit me back again..

                  s.a

4 AMs up in bed and there’s nothing
that fills up my head than the sound of silence
you’re gone..
but my heart’s aching for something
your vague picture is all I see in my dreams
and the tune of your beautiful laugh
ugh that was music to my ears

broken by pain there I was
waiting for you to come along
almost believed in healing
closed my eyes and let you do the leading
with nothing but faith in you
knowing you’ll get us through

bad timing but the feelings were right
heard your thoughts even when you were most quiet
i saw the pain in your eyes
knowing it was the kind that matched mine
a beautiful chaos of thoughts
there you were filling the dots
finishing my sentences
we saw eye to eye over few messages
i was made for you
or at least I think you were made for me too
                                                             ­            -s.a