one time someone said a gruesome thing to me

"i swear to god i will slit you open and drag
you up and down my street by your entrails"

people have told me to

"**** yourself, your not worth the space"
"fat cow"
"worthless"

and I froze up with fear
from the hostility
and I thought
"Where has our humanity gone"

And I relized

We lost it with our sisters and brothers over seas
with the violence
on our TV's
with the routine crime
in our cities and saying
"its just how it is"
our humanity has been bread out
and society has created
shells of once humans

Even though your at your end
You push through the sleepless nights

dreamless

And once again everything is blurry
And your mind is everywhere

And those sweet little tablets
Cause your dispare

Mouth turns dry
And your face becomes pale
And your eyes become dull
And your body is weak
And bruises cover your soul

When stuck in a flesh cage
You must nourish it
You must feed it

She is stuck inside of you
You must purge her out
For she is sin

You must starve her
For she is sin
So you can be sinless

For small is holy
And that is what you must be
Sinless

Was the temporary
happiness
worth the
long time
destruction?

Your eyes are so mesmerizing
Your voice like liquid gold
Dripping off of my mind
Soaking it thoroughly
And my body turns to gold
Because of you

you don't know what it's like
to look in the mirror and hate
every part of you
so please
don't say you understand

I cant write anymore
The words just won't flow
I have no anger- well, I have it
It just won't show.
I don't got no tears to shed
Ill just sit here, for hours on end.
If I did something drastic
The words would flow again

with every exhale
she weaves a lie
the truth clouded
by the smoke in her lungs
and the smile
on her porcelain skin

I don't think
I could ever get past
The illusion
Of calling him daddy

I want to be a Teacher.
I want kids to feel the fire
that I do
not to just say
"Yes ma'am."
"Yes ma'am."
"Yes ma'am."
and not question
what they are being taught
I want them
to question
ME.
I want them to learn
not to take everything
at face value
and to
question
question
question
and I want that fire of theirs
to never go out

May 9th

May 9th was the day you died
May 9th was the day your family died

May 10th was the day you almost died
May 10th was the day you went to the ER

May 11th was the day I almost died
May 11th was the day I didn't care anymore

August 1st was the day I started to care again.

sheets were once colored red with passion
and so were your eyes
but the red soon bled out
and the sheets were changed
to a dull white
because of accidental bleaching
(but I wished they turned pink)
because the sheets lost their color
just like your eyes

you called me feral
and played with my hair

but i felt tamed
by your hands

Why is it
that my misery
is always so beautiful?
Why is it
that my pain
is so exotic?
Why is it
that  my heartbreak
is so amazing to you?

Ha, love. I don't even know what it is anymore.
He thought he did for the longest time.
He knows,
Knows that he can make me feel good
Where others have hurt me
He will hold no convictions or judgment
In exchange for the same
I can agree to that
One of these days he says
Just let me come show you a good time
Unlike I've ever experienced
Because I know I need it
But
BUT
Maybe you need it more than I do

I can feel
the seasons changing
the icy cold
the fire in the hearth
talking about Gods
because they are not dead
they live within me
and my stories
weave the web
that catches them

betrayal
an emotion so bitter
that it makes your teeth clench

loss
an emotion so strong
that you cant even breathe

anger
an emotion so wild
that your whole world turns red

I didnt realize it when it happened
I had no clue
But I let you work your way in
I love you
I love you
I love you.
And it hurts so bad
And your lips are so good
Your arms around me feel amazing
Your breath on my neck when you sigh
Your heart beating quickly
You lips leaving red marks on my neck
Your body aginst mine as we dance surrounded by people
The look that you give me.
I love you
I love all of you
And it hurts so bad
Cant you see how much pain im in?
Just look into my ******* eyes
You scare me
I love you too.

The water surrounds her
Gently kissing at her scars
Turing her skin red
The razor glints in her hand
She stares at it absent mindedly
Deep in thought
Thinking about her past
And how it brought her to this point
She lays her head back and sighs
*"This is it".

Its been 10 months
and I still love you
ive heard you cry
and beg for forgiveness
but none was given
but 10 months later
im still alone
and I still
love you

Bandannas,
They were our thing once.

We would gift them to each other,
to help us cope with being
alone

I have one
and it still smells like memories
cigarettes, ***, your home.
but its fading

The other one smells like you
And I hold it to me when im sad
                                                 or mad
                                                      or scared
                                                          ­or just numb.

You say you'll haunt me in my dreams
But baby
You dont realize that you already do
I dream of you
Torturing my body with yours
Get ******* in me
Because baby
I want you so much it hurts

I saw you in my sleep
slamming my door
and showing me my biggest fear

I saw you in my sleep
wrecking everything I hold dear
and you lying on the floor

I saw you in my sleep

we laid down together
and you asked me about the stories
behind my scars
and I told you about all the times I fell
and how I got that one on my shin
and the one on my chest
but when you got to some scars
I just shook my head and smiled and said
"maybe ill tell you one day"
but I don't plan on ever telling you
about the cluster of scars
on my thighs
or my wrists
because I may be a book
but those are stories I don't ever want to tell

I think that being lonely
is one of the worst things
a human can experience
because it feels so final
than everything you've ever felt
before

Ive held the winters frost within my veins
as your flaming tongue lingered upon my lips,
wanting only you.
Feeling your fingers dance along my hips
making me feel like I am engulfed in fire.
For fingers slowly melted my heart.
I had opened to love,
for that you gave me.

A death march,

My death march.

Die and be dead.

A death march,

My death march,

Everything was red.

No, no, im fine.
I swear.
Ill just take some pills to make it better.
They make everything fine.
Everything better.
I forget.
Everything.

I can feel it slithering through my veins
turning my blood black
and grabbing hold of my soul
and never
ever
letting
go

Laying under the stars
but I cant see them
Hold the sun in my eyes
but I don't show it
Hold the universe in my soul
but I don't unlock it

The things you do while im gone:

-Forget about me
-Sleep with her
-Fall out of love

with me.

-Go to sleep happy
-Have a restful sleep
-Wake up happy

without me.

-Leave me

I like to drink a lot in the winter
'cause then I don't notice
the biting cold at my cheeks
or at my heart

If this is what love is then I dont want it
Get it the **** away from me
Its tearing me apart
More importantly
my skin
Love makes me do stupid ****
And its all for you
Ill sacrifice my happiness for you
Just because I love you
And what will you do for me?
Will you try to make this work?

My eyes are squeezed shut in an attempt to keep the last of my sanity
I still feel all of my emotions and my minds repeating everything
My mind wont stop and I cant seem to control anything
Nothing goes right and I keep asking him to stop
And he wont and it makes my hands tremble
Im thinking about the sleeping pills
Thinking about taking them
To help me escape
This hell

And she writes her story with blood,
Her blood.

And she crys
Shes screaming help me

But no one hears her pleas
Shes going insane

And no one can help her
shes off to her own demise.

I took some pills
and my hands were still shaking
the water was running
it turned pink
then red
and then they stopped shaking

Baby i'll be
under your sheets
or over them
just don't say
*I love you

its like
your mind is drowning
and all the voices are muffled
and everything is fuzzy and you cant pay attention
and you just keep going
down
down
down
to the point of where you cant see
can breathe
cant hear
cant do anything
all of your energy is gone
and you just want to sleep
to forget
and to never wake up

I want someone to say
"I got lost inside of her,
and I don't want to find my way"

I want someone to say
"Her eyes stole my soul,
I don't want it back"

I want some one to say
"Her mouth ate me whole,
I don't want to be spit out"

I want someone to say
"Her hands captured my body,
I don't want to be let go"

is this what he felt like
on the edge
like he was drowning
falling
at the end
dead

I want drugs

Drugs that make me look ******* fine

I thought I put all of that **** out of my mind

I think that

maybe

There's a reason deeper than what you say
to make you destroy yourself like this

and just maybe

I'm wasting my time
trying to help you