this is just another ******* **** poem
why just another **** poem?
you sit there and think
why talk about this so often
when the economy is collapsing
and children are starving
and there's a possibility of a
world war 3?

but guess what ******,
this poem isn't for you
its for those who's souls have been
tied down and beaten
for those who have lost all hope
for those who have been told that its
"all their fault"
to them, this poem isn't
just another ******* **** poem
it is their savior poem

the one thing that points
out the ****** up things
like double standards
and victim blaming
it may give them the
push that will break the ropes
that hold their souls down

this is the poem that will
restore hope for those who have
given up because society has
given up them and tossed them away
like a used ******.

and I will continue writing other
******* **** poems
until my mother stops telling me
to not forget my mace
until I dont have to pay for 500$
self defense classes, on the off chance that hey,
maybe I wont be ***** tonight.
until im not blamed for being attacked
until my ****** is not pitted for his
football carer being ended prematurely
until I can dress like a **** and get home safely

I will continue writing **** poems
until I have nothing ******* left
to write about

my skin
was rubbed raw
because someone touched me
on the sidewalk
without my permission

one time I didn't sleep for a week
because something in my room was
out of place and I
couldn't fix it

ive stayed up all night
wondering if all the doors are locked
so I check
once
twice
three times
four times
and so on
untill its time to wake up

the soaps in the shower
are put a certain way
if not
then I feel myself fall
apart

Ill clean for days
and not sleep
or stop
once

so please stop saying
"Oh, im so OCD!"
because you will never understand
what its like to have this crippling
fear
that everything will go wrong
if one thing is different

if I say i'm
unlovable
don't say to me
"But I love you,
isn't that enough?"
because honestly it's not
I say i'm unlovable
because I can't even
love myself
so how can others?

Im your first born,
Why wont you protect me mommy?

I did nothing to him,
But you just stand there and watch.

Dont you love me?
Protects his son,
But hurts your first born?

Thats ****** up mommy.

Deep down,
behind all this ****,
Im still the little girl you know.

Your supost to protect me.
But you aint mommy.
You *****!

Im hurtin,
But you cant even tell.

Your a ***** mommy!
I hate you mommy!
I hate hateing you mommy!

It makes me hurt inside.

You are warmth
As I lay my head on your chest in the cold
As you rest your arm on my shoulder
And gently rub my arm
And you are warmth
On a cold, bad day.
Rest your head on my head
In the cold
But I dont feel it
Because you are warmth.

Ruined ruined ruined
Im ruined
My heart can't feel it
Can't express it
Because I'm
Ruined ruined ruined
I let you down
Its all my fault
Because I let my walls down
And now I'm
Ruined ruined ruined

Those lips
Those lips will make your eyes roll into the back of your head
His lips will make you feel so important
Yet invisible
You feel okay, fine for once
But that feeling is so fragile
It could shatter from his smile
Just some muscles moving
Could make your heart beat out of control
And can make you feel whole
And alone

when I said he would only caress my body
and never my soul
I forgot

that I couldn't see into the future

Your an *******, a ****.
Why do I keep coming back?

Oh.
That's right.

***.

You know all the right places to touch me.
You know how to make me moan like a *****.

***.

Because,
Your oh, so good.

And I hate you so, you ignore me.
But that's okay, you hate me too.

I want you to take me in the most unromantic way
pull my hair
and go harder
kiss me softly
and hold me tight
I want you to take me in the most romantic way

The smell of Iron carresses my nose.
I undress.

Looking in the mirror.
Scars decorating my skin.

Others- Ugly.
Me- Beauty.

My eyes take in every inch of myself.
Is it ****** up to say I got turned on?

My eyes dart to the corner of the room.
There lays a lifeless body, bloodless.

My eyes dart to the bathtub.
Filled to the rim with crimmison.

Blood is boiling.

I walk accross the blood soaked floor,
leaving ****** footprints in my wake.

I pearch on the side of the tub.
Stick my toe into it.

A sigh and a shiver of pleasure escape me.
I emerse myself in to it.

I grin...

Razor teeth on display.
For my victoms who are forced to watch.

Bliss...

I think I could say that
I was born from a cosmic being

That I'm made out of galaxies
And stars soar through my veins

So when you compared me to the
Cosmos

You might of been right

Im addicted to seeing the number drop.
111
110
105
100
95
90
And it would just keep going lower and lower...
If I could do it.
If the numbers did drop, I wouldn't punish myself.
Food restricting.
Fasting.
Throwing up.
If the numbers just dropped this wouldn't happen.

In a world where everyone in faceless,
Would I be faceless too?

Would I stand out
Or blend into the crowd?

Would you be able to point me out?

5, 6, 7, 8,
Count the numbers of pills you take
Oh, look at how happy she is
What a fake *****.
We all know that shes sad
That shes ruining her life
But she doesn't care
She'll just keep counting.

Because your love makes me want to
Drown

I avoid all bodies of water
It hopes that I'll survive

But it's fruitless
Because I've havnt got the control any more

It's all in the currents

These dark times are haunting me
Life coming apart at the seams
Its dark again
The sun rarely shows its face
Theres no moon to reflect the suns light
And I can feel my self falling
Into
The
Darkness

You spend all you're time cleaning you're razors and knifes
But for what?
To let the wound sit there and fester
To pick at the healing skin
To let it get infected
And the days go by slowly and the wounds healing at a sloths pace
Some leave thin white lines behind
Others red angry raised marks
And I know you lie on your bed looking at each and everyone of them

Now, there's only two ways to feel alive,
and that is to be either happy or sad.
Because each feeling does something to us,
something akin to drugs.

Sad
We know that when your 'sad' you get pills
Because thats the best way to go,
banish the problems underneath your pillowcase where the nightmares are.
Codeine makes the pain go away.
Riddlin makes you calm.
Xanax makes you happy,
or so you think.
For a while.

My silent screams
Fall apon deaf ears
My face
Contorted in pain
A movie
Nonstop playing in my head
Haunted memories

Cold, clean, silent
   Beauty
      walls swaying around
        on the edge of insanity
           slowly breaking
             slowly breathing
               falling
  Gravity

When I pleasure myself
And I think of you
You going hard and fast
Being merciless
My thighs begin to tremble
I grasp at nothing
I get louder
My chest heaves
And my back arches
And im raking my nails down your back drawing blood
And I think you like it
And that it spurs you on
Faster and harder
And im trapped underneath you're body
And our moans fill the air
And I burst
And im coming down
And I rember that your not here
That there was no ***
And that it was all my imagination
And I just sigh and go to sleep
Wishing for something I can't have

Sigh

Light chatter around me
Im full of content

Smooth jazz
Wraps around my ears

I float back in time

Poetry Jams
Snapping fingers

Oh la la, content

I dont know what to do
I am so confused
Everythings so fuzzy
Its all clouded up
My mind is spining
Its a whirlpool
Im high
Im low
Everythings so fuzzy
Im all clouded up
My vision is bluring
Everything is going so fast!
I cant keep up
I need that rush
That high
That low
Everythings so fuzzy
Im needing
Wanting
Craving
A high
A low.

What more can you do
Than sit there and watch the family unit fall apart
See family stumble and slurr everywhere they go
Watch their minds turn to mush
See them become shells of who they were
You sit there and look at them and think off all the good memories you have and then you blink and they fall down and say awkward things that don't fit the moment
And your heart breaks because you dont know how to help, what to do
And you cry because they didn't even remember their own niece
What a happy family we are.

I  laughf,
Crackle,
State of insinaty.
Wild in my eyes.
Unknown evil lurking,
Beanth the surface,
Of my life.
I rejoice at the sight.
Blood covering my hands,
My whole body.
I see my pray,
Im ready to pounce.
I need my wepon.
Grab the blade,
Attack the emotions.
Let them all die.
I smile a wicked one,
Now my job is done.
Emotions are now gone.
My sight is set,
And its oh. so clear,
Its around the corner,
Death is near.
Time ticks by,
Emotions run lose,
No use to catch them.
Ill be gone soon.

My hands are shaking in anticapation
Just one cut
I get to see that sweet sweet blood
I just cut so deep
I saw the real me underneath
It feels so good

The more I talk to you

The more you talk to me about your problems

Your labyrinthine of a mind

And I try to unravel you

And at the same time

Im unraveling myself

you hold her
and not me anymore

you see her back arched
and not mine

you feel her skin against yours
and forget what I feel like

but its okay
its not like I loved you
because I didnt

I just thought that maybe
in this world

you could be the one to trust
out of every other human there is

Your hand
fits around my neck
perfectly

your lips
fit my mouth
like a glove

I can still see what you left
the bruise around
my neck

and I can still taste
the poison
you left behind on my lips

Trust is a fragile thing, and I am a fragile person.

It's almost like hairline fractures in an ankle or a wrist, at least, that's where it starts.

If it's not treated it gets worse, and sometimes never even heals all the way.

But the moment you find someone who is the ***** in your broken femur, that's when you know your kinda ******.

Because your broken, and sure they will help you heal, but you never know how it will turn out.

I guess all this mushy **** is a metaphor for love, and I could wax poetic stanzas, but honestly, nothing is the same as just saying that you ******* love someone.

Nothing is the same after you stay up till 4am and spill out your messy soul to them, absolutely nothing is the same.

No song is the same,
no favorite quote is the same,
not even a ******* smell is the same.

Because you know what?

They will always be in every breath you take,
in every cup of coffee you have,
and in every smile you give to the boy at the bar.

Nothing. Is. The. *******. Same.

And yeah, sure, it's scary as ****. But that's how life is supost to be, right?

Scary and full of heat break and love and lonely nights in a parking lot, surrounded by friends.

That sounds like it doesn't work, but it does. Your surrounded by people, but yet, without the one who makes your world go round, it's lonely as ****.

And sure, you'll drink and collect all the bottles of jack and fireball you went through,
because maybe that just makes the loneliness tangible instead of it being the horrible black hole in the pit of your stomach.

And it's ****** up, but that's what love is.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

for breakfast I had
a glass of water
along with xanax

for lunch i had an apple
and the illusion that i was full
while taking another xanax

for dinner i had numbers
and once i saw them
i wasn't hungry anymore

in-between heaven and hell
see their faces
as they cry out for help

blue and bare as I lay
Gods forsaken me
I have no soul to save

take it to my grave
where the whispers will fade away
forgoten

Brown hair splayed
Eyes squeezed shut
A light blush dusting her cheeks
Pink lips agape
Chest heaving
Back arched
Fingers painted black clenching
Thigs littered with scars quivering
Toed curled
All of this seen
Underneath my eyelids

The thing is with the monster,
Is you always want more.
At first a little.
Later, more.
The monster gives you that self-induced high.
It leavs you,
Craving for more.
You welcome the monster with open arms.
You wish deep in your mind,
That you could push it away.
But when you want to most,
The monster finds you.
You forget about not wanting it.
And you fly away,
In a self-induced high.

Every single  time she opened her mouth
numirous galaxies tumbled out
and her voice pierced me

Every single time she opened her eyes
I could of sworn I saw the sun
and I lost my sight

Every single time she held me
her skin glowed brightly
but I was burnt

Lately her face looks like its
Becoming hollow
Sinking in on itself
Her eyes have lost their gloss
Her lips pale
Skin translucent
Maybe shes already dead
But we just don't know it

you helped me take my clothes off
and you offered to help put them back on
I dont think thats ever happened to me

normally im just left there naked
to put on my own clothes
and to walk out by myself

the impatient tap of her nails
against the bar counter
the aggravated exhale
about the boy that stares at her
the bouncing of her foot
because the drugs are wearing off