I can feel it slithering through my veins
turning my blood black
and grabbing hold of my soul
and never
ever
letting
go

Laying under the stars
but I cant see them
Hold the sun in my eyes
but I don't show it
Hold the universe in my soul
but I don't unlock it

Dawn comes and its time to
Eat but your friend
Ana is there for you and wont let you
D**own

I don't know if
I want to get high off of

                  you
                            pills
                                      
                                      or this addiction

I'm*                    wishing constantly
    not                 knowing what for
       afraid          of what I might get
            to            be rescued or to    
                jump?

is this what he felt like
on the edge
like he was drowning
falling
at the end
dead

Cold, clean, silent
   Beauty
      walls swaying around
        on the edge of insanity
           slowly breaking
             slowly breathing
               falling
  Gravity

for breakfast I had
a glass of water
along with xanax

for lunch i had an apple
and the illusion that i was full
while taking another xanax

for dinner i had numbers
and once i saw them
i wasn't hungry anymore

Im addicted to seeing the number drop.
111
110
105
100
95
90
And it would just keep going lower and lower...
If I could do it.
If the numbers did drop, I wouldn't punish myself.
Food restricting.
Fasting.
Throwing up.
If the numbers just dropped this wouldn't happen.

Now, there's only two ways to feel alive,
and that is to be either happy or sad.
Because each feeling does something to us,
something akin to drugs.

Sad
We know that when your 'sad' you get pills
Because thats the best way to go,
banish the problems underneath your pillowcase where the nightmares are.
Codeine makes the pain go away.
Riddlin makes you calm.
Xanax makes you happy,
or so you think.
For a while.

Even though your at your end
You push through the sleepless nights

dreamless

And once again everything is blurry
And your mind is everywhere

And those sweet little tablets
Cause your dispare

Mouth turns dry
And your face becomes pale
And your eyes become dull
And your body is weak
And bruises cover your soul

When stuck in a flesh cage
You must nourish it
You must feed it

She is stuck inside of you
You must purge her out
For she is sin

You must starve her
For she is sin
So you can be sinless

For small is holy
And that is what you must be
Sinless

The things you do while im gone:

-Forget about me
-Sleep with her
-Fall out of love

with me.

-Go to sleep happy
-Have a restful sleep
-Wake up happy

without me.

-Leave me

The more I talk to you

The more you talk to me about your problems

Your labyrinthine of a mind

And I try to unravel you

And at the same time

Im unraveling myself

The water surrounds her
Gently kissing at her scars
Turing her skin red
The razor glints in her hand
She stares at it absent mindedly
Deep in thought
Thinking about her past
And how it brought her to this point
She lays her head back and sighs
*"This is it".

Lately her face looks like its
Becoming hollow
Sinking in on itself
Her eyes have lost their gloss
Her lips pale
Skin translucent
Maybe shes already dead
But we just don't know it

If this is what love is then I dont want it
Get it the **** away from me
Its tearing me apart
More importantly
my skin
Love makes me do stupid ****
And its all for you
Ill sacrifice my happiness for you
Just because I love you
And what will you do for me?
Will you try to make this work?

I didnt realize it when it happened
I had no clue
But I let you work your way in
I love you
I love you
I love you.
And it hurts so bad
And your lips are so good
Your arms around me feel amazing
Your breath on my neck when you sigh
Your heart beating quickly
You lips leaving red marks on my neck
Your body aginst mine as we dance surrounded by people
The look that you give me.
I love you
I love all of you
And it hurts so bad
Cant you see how much pain im in?
Just look into my ******* eyes
You scare me
I love you too.

No, no, im fine.
I swear.
Ill just take some pills to make it better.
They make everything fine.
Everything better.
I forget.
Everything.

Those lips
Those lips will make your eyes roll into the back of your head
His lips will make you feel so important
Yet invisible
You feel okay, fine for once
But that feeling is so fragile
It could shatter from his smile
Just some muscles moving
Could make your heart beat out of control
And can make you feel whole
And alone

You are warmth
As I lay my head on your chest in the cold
As you rest your arm on my shoulder
And gently rub my arm
And you are warmth
On a cold, bad day.
Rest your head on my head
In the cold
But I dont feel it
Because you are warmth.

Your eyes are so mesmerizing
Your voice like liquid gold
Dripping off of my mind
Soaking it thoroughly
And my body turns to gold
Because of you

its like
your mind is drowning
and all the voices are muffled
and everything is fuzzy and you cant pay attention
and you just keep going
down
down
down
to the point of where you cant see
can breathe
cant hear
cant do anything
all of your energy is gone
and you just want to sleep
to forget
and to never wake up

do you ever feel just so alone?
like, you have all these friends,
but you still feel alone.
you feel sad.
depressed.
like you want to die.
so you drown your sorrows.
you drink,
you smoke,
and you pop pills.
you deprive your self of sleep,
so you can crash, and not dream.
so you can have a moments rest.
a moment where nothing is wrong.
but really, everything is wrong.
you feel like everything is falling apart
because it is
and one day
it all just gonna...
end.

5, 6, 7, 8,
Count the numbers of pills you take
Oh, look at how happy she is
What a fake *****.
We all know that shes sad
That shes ruining her life
But she doesn't care
She'll just keep counting.

You say you'll haunt me in my dreams
But baby
You dont realize that you already do
I dream of you
Torturing my body with yours
Get ******* in me
Because baby
I want you so much it hurts

I cant write anymore
The words just won't flow
I have no anger- well, I have it
It just won't show.
I don't got no tears to shed
Ill just sit here, for hours on end.
If I did something drastic
The words would flow again

These dark times are haunting me
Life coming apart at the seams
Its dark again
The sun rarely shows its face
Theres no moon to reflect the suns light
And I can feel my self falling
Into
The
Darkness

Your an *******, a ****.
Why do I keep coming back?

Oh.
That's right.

***.

You know all the right places to touch me.
You know how to make me moan like a *****.

***.

Because,
Your oh, so good.

And I hate you so, you ignore me.
But that's okay, you hate me too.

Brown hair splayed
Eyes squeezed shut
A light blush dusting her cheeks
Pink lips agape
Chest heaving
Back arched
Fingers painted black clenching
Thigs littered with scars quivering
Toed curled
All of this seen
Underneath my eyelids

I don't think
I could ever get past
The illusion
Of calling him daddy

What more can you do
Than sit there and watch the family unit fall apart
See family stumble and slurr everywhere they go
Watch their minds turn to mush
See them become shells of who they were
You sit there and look at them and think off all the good memories you have and then you blink and they fall down and say awkward things that don't fit the moment
And your heart breaks because you dont know how to help, what to do
And you cry because they didn't even remember their own niece
What a happy family we are.

You spend all you're time cleaning you're razors and knifes
But for what?
To let the wound sit there and fester
To pick at the healing skin
To let it get infected
And the days go by slowly and the wounds healing at a sloths pace
Some leave thin white lines behind
Others red angry raised marks
And I know you lie on your bed looking at each and everyone of them

Ha, love. I don't even know what it is anymore.
He thought he did for the longest time.
He knows,
Knows that he can make me feel good
Where others have hurt me
He will hold no convictions or judgment
In exchange for the same
I can agree to that
One of these days he says
Just let me come show you a good time
Unlike I've ever experienced
Because I know I need it
But
BUT
Maybe you need it more than I do

Ruined ruined ruined
Im ruined
My heart can't feel it
Can't express it
Because I'm
Ruined ruined ruined
I let you down
Its all my fault
Because I let my walls down
And now I'm
Ruined ruined ruined

When I pleasure myself
And I think of you
You going hard and fast
Being merciless
My thighs begin to tremble
I grasp at nothing
I get louder
My chest heaves
And my back arches
And im raking my nails down your back drawing blood
And I think you like it
And that it spurs you on
Faster and harder
And im trapped underneath you're body
And our moans fill the air
And I burst
And im coming down
And I rember that your not here
That there was no ***
And that it was all my imagination
And I just sigh and go to sleep
Wishing for something I can't have

My hands are shaking in anticapation
Just one cut
I get to see that sweet sweet blood
I just cut so deep
I saw the real me underneath
It feels so good

And she writes her story with blood,
Her blood.

And she crys
Shes screaming help me

But no one hears her pleas
Shes going insane

And no one can help her
shes off to her own demise.

I want drugs

Drugs that make me look ******* fine

I thought I put all of that **** out of my mind

My eyes are squeezed shut in an attempt to keep the last of my sanity
I still feel all of my emotions and my minds repeating everything
My mind wont stop and I cant seem to control anything
Nothing goes right and I keep asking him to stop
And he wont and it makes my hands tremble
Im thinking about the sleeping pills
Thinking about taking them
To help me escape
This hell