Because your love makes me want to
Drown

I avoid all bodies of water
It hopes that I'll survive

But it's fruitless
Because I've havnt got the control any more

It's all in the currents

Trust is a fragile thing, and I am a fragile person.

It's almost like hairline fractures in an ankle or a wrist, at least, that's where it starts.

If it's not treated it gets worse, and sometimes never even heals all the way.

But the moment you find someone who is the ***** in your broken femur, that's when you know your kinda ******.

Because your broken, and sure they will help you heal, but you never know how it will turn out.

I guess all this mushy **** is a metaphor for love, and I could wax poetic stanzas, but honestly, nothing is the same as just saying that you ******* love someone.

Nothing is the same after you stay up till 4am and spill out your messy soul to them, absolutely nothing is the same.

No song is the same,
no favorite quote is the same,
not even a ******* smell is the same.

Because you know what?

They will always be in every breath you take,
in every cup of coffee you have,
and in every smile you give to the boy at the bar.

Nothing. Is. The. *******. Same.

And yeah, sure, it's scary as ****. But that's how life is supost to be, right?

Scary and full of heat break and love and lonely nights in a parking lot, surrounded by friends.

That sounds like it doesn't work, but it does. Your surrounded by people, but yet, without the one who makes your world go round, it's lonely as ****.

And sure, you'll drink and collect all the bottles of jack and fireball you went through,
because maybe that just makes the loneliness tangible instead of it being the horrible black hole in the pit of your stomach.

And it's ****** up, but that's what love is.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

this is just another ******* **** poem
why just another **** poem?
you sit there and think
why talk about this so often
when the economy is collapsing
and children are starving
and there's a possibility of a
world war 3?

but guess what ******,
this poem isn't for you
its for those who's souls have been
tied down and beaten
for those who have lost all hope
for those who have been told that its
"all their fault"
to them, this poem isn't
just another ******* **** poem
it is their savior poem

the one thing that points
out the ****** up things
like double standards
and victim blaming
it may give them the
push that will break the ropes
that hold their souls down

this is the poem that will
restore hope for those who have
given up because society has
given up them and tossed them away
like a used ******.

and I will continue writing other
******* **** poems
until my mother stops telling me
to not forget my mace
until I dont have to pay for 500$
self defense classes, on the off chance that hey,
maybe I wont be ***** tonight.
until im not blamed for being attacked
until my ****** is not pitted for his
football carer being ended prematurely
until I can dress like a **** and get home safely

I will continue writing **** poems
until I have nothing ******* left
to write about

sheets were once colored red with passion
and so were your eyes
but the red soon bled out
and the sheets were changed
to a dull white
because of accidental bleaching
(but I wished they turned pink)
because the sheets lost their color
just like your eyes

one time someone said a gruesome thing to me

"i swear to god i will slit you open and drag
you up and down my street by your entrails"

people have told me to

"**** yourself, your not worth the space"
"fat cow"
"worthless"

and I froze up with fear
from the hostility
and I thought
"Where has our humanity gone"

And I relized

We lost it with our sisters and brothers over seas
with the violence
on our TV's
with the routine crime
in our cities and saying
"its just how it is"
our humanity has been bread out
and society has created
shells of once humans

in-between heaven and hell
see their faces
as they cry out for help

blue and bare as I lay
Gods forsaken me
I have no soul to save

take it to my grave
where the whispers will fade away
forgoten

my skin
was rubbed raw
because someone touched me
on the sidewalk
without my permission

one time I didn't sleep for a week
because something in my room was
out of place and I
couldn't fix it

ive stayed up all night
wondering if all the doors are locked
so I check
once
twice
three times
four times
and so on
untill its time to wake up

the soaps in the shower
are put a certain way
if not
then I feel myself fall
apart

Ill clean for days
and not sleep
or stop
once

so please stop saying
"Oh, im so OCD!"
because you will never understand
what its like to have this crippling
fear
that everything will go wrong
if one thing is different

I can feel
the seasons changing
the icy cold
the fire in the hearth
talking about Gods
because they are not dead
they live within me
and my stories
weave the web
that catches them

I want to be a Teacher.
I want kids to feel the fire
that I do
not to just say
"Yes ma'am."
"Yes ma'am."
"Yes ma'am."
and not question
what they are being taught
I want them
to question
ME.
I want them to learn
not to take everything
at face value
and to
question
question
question
and I want that fire of theirs
to never go out

Ive held the winters frost within my veins
as your flaming tongue lingered upon my lips,
wanting only you.
Feeling your fingers dance along my hips
making me feel like I am engulfed in fire.
For fingers slowly melted my heart.
I had opened to love,
for that you gave me.

Its been 10 months
and I still love you
ive heard you cry
and beg for forgiveness
but none was given
but 10 months later
im still alone
and I still
love you

Why is it
that my misery
is always so beautiful?
Why is it
that my pain
is so exotic?
Why is it
that  my heartbreak
is so amazing to you?

the impatient tap of her nails
against the bar counter
the aggravated exhale
about the boy that stares at her
the bouncing of her foot
because the drugs are wearing off

with every exhale
she weaves a lie
the truth clouded
by the smoke in her lungs
and the smile
on her porcelain skin

I like to drink a lot in the winter
'cause then I don't notice
the biting cold at my cheeks
or at my heart

I think that being lonely
is one of the worst things
a human can experience
because it feels so final
than everything you've ever felt
before

we laid down together
and you asked me about the stories
behind my scars
and I told you about all the times I fell
and how I got that one on my shin
and the one on my chest
but when you got to some scars
I just shook my head and smiled and said
"maybe ill tell you one day"
but I don't plan on ever telling you
about the cluster of scars
on my thighs
or my wrists
because I may be a book
but those are stories I don't ever want to tell

if I say i'm
unlovable
don't say to me
"But I love you,
isn't that enough?"
because honestly it's not
I say i'm unlovable
because I can't even
love myself
so how can others?

you hold her
and not me anymore

you see her back arched
and not mine

you feel her skin against yours
and forget what I feel like

but its okay
its not like I loved you
because I didnt

I just thought that maybe
in this world

you could be the one to trust
out of every other human there is

betrayal
an emotion so bitter
that it makes your teeth clench

loss
an emotion so strong
that you cant even breathe

anger
an emotion so wild
that your whole world turns red

the sheen in your eyes
when you looked at me
was gone

you no longer cared
when I talked about
the things I loved

your touches became cold
and I started to freeze
even while under your blankets

my voice became a whisper
and I got lost
in the wind

Was the temporary
happiness
worth the
long time
destruction?

body twisted to fit the sky
eyes open to everything
taking in nothing
getting lost

fingers slipping through life
finding a hold
on a mans back
leaving behind traces of her life

veins open and on fire
from the life that she was given
and always refusing
love

when I said he would only caress my body
and never my soul
I forgot

that I couldn't see into the future

you helped me take my clothes off
and you offered to help put them back on
I dont think thats ever happened to me

normally im just left there naked
to put on my own clothes
and to walk out by myself

you called me feral
and played with my hair

but i felt tamed
by your hands

Bandannas,
They were our thing once.

We would gift them to each other,
to help us cope with being
alone

I have one
and it still smells like memories
cigarettes, ***, your home.
but its fading

The other one smells like you
And I hold it to me when im sad
                                                 or mad
                                                      or scared
                                                          ­or just numb.

Your hand
fits around my neck
perfectly

your lips
fit my mouth
like a glove

I can still see what you left
the bruise around
my neck

and I can still taste
the poison
you left behind on my lips

When I was younger,
innocent,
I wondered
"Why do people like those thing?"

And now,
I know exactly why
people like the things they do.

when you can feel your soul
turning into dust
and your skin
falling apart
and your bones
shattering

that's when you know
that you are alone

I think I could say that
I was born from a cosmic being

That I'm made out of galaxies
And stars soar through my veins

So when you compared me to the
Cosmos

You might of been right

Every single  time she opened her mouth
numirous galaxies tumbled out
and her voice pierced me

Every single time she opened her eyes
I could of sworn I saw the sun
and I lost my sight

Every single time she held me
her skin glowed brightly
but I was burnt

I think that

maybe

There's a reason deeper than what you say
to make you destroy yourself like this

and just maybe

I'm wasting my time
trying to help you

I want someone to say
"I got lost inside of her,
and I don't want to find my way"

I want someone to say
"Her eyes stole my soul,
I don't want it back"

I want some one to say
"Her mouth ate me whole,
I don't want to be spit out"

I want someone to say
"Her hands captured my body,
I don't want to be let go"

I took some pills
and my hands were still shaking
the water was running
it turned pink
then red
and then they stopped shaking

I saw you in my sleep
slamming my door
and showing me my biggest fear

I saw you in my sleep
wrecking everything I hold dear
and you lying on the floor

I saw you in my sleep

May 9th

May 9th was the day you died
May 9th was the day your family died

May 10th was the day you almost died
May 10th was the day you went to the ER

May 11th was the day I almost died
May 11th was the day I didn't care anymore

August 1st was the day I started to care again.

I kissed your lips
      as the sun faded
          and you turned to dust

Baby i'll be
under your sheets
or over them
just don't say
*I love you

I want you to take me in the most unromantic way
pull my hair
and go harder
kiss me softly
and hold me tight
I want you to take me in the most romantic way

you don't know what it's like
to look in the mirror and hate
every part of you
so please
don't say you understand