I look over at you as we sit on a seat of metal on the pioneer trail
We say nothing, we avoid eye contact.
The space between us is inevitable although we are forced to be quite close
The light in your eyes is gone and a cold wall is up
A wall too strong for me to break in the state I happened to be in
I wasn't prepared for the distance, but are we ever really ready?
I can't tell if it's the end or if we just hit a bump
And I can't read your face or decipher the meaning behind your vague messages.
All I know is that I am over here and you are worlds away
and that at this moment that is where you want to be.
Not by my side.
Worlds away.

I saw a face
on my journey towards self improvement.
This face was a representation,
a sign of hope,
A sign of all the things I am looking for,
within myself and without.
I called out and it answered
without hesitation
with love, understanding, and compassion.
It soothed my nerves
It released my tension
It was the hidden antidote,
the spiritual guide,
the handsome stranger,
The home.
And home is where I hope to remain.

I carved my name into you with a switchblade and my finger nails.
I kissed you in the crevice between your neck and shoulder bone.
I confided in you with problems, whether petty or massive
Made you feel needed
Made you feel wanted.
You bandaged up my name
You washed off my lips imprints
You laughed at my problems and gave me more to handle
Made me feel helpless
Made me feel meaningless
Time and time again
I am erased
From the minds of the ones I love.

*******
and your indecisiveness
Your mysterious demure caught my glance
You twisted, and dissembled my sight
Wrapped up in your eloquence
Believing in good intentions
Our evanescent love lasted only a moment
If it existed at all
Your nearness to me was made insignificant by your blithe nonchalance
And here I remain
An ingenue
Fooled again, lured in by your perplexing,
Negligent attitude towards life,
Towards me

Saturday 29**
His house.
Filled not only with the people that I love
but all the people that I despise the most
The snap backs, the Coors, the drunken barbies
I chug the ***** and laugh at their stupidity
Cigarette number 1.2&3 at once
on the porch
and she gets there
pulls out her white powder
her lines in the kitchen
He yells, he wants to fight her
I don't want to stop him but I do
Is it terrible to think she'd be better off dead?
The smell of lust consumes me
as the air of a lost love surrounds me
He pulls me in
kissing him on drunken nights seems to become a trend
The friend that I can't lust for calls for me
he needs me
but I can't be there
Eventually I tear myself away
I curl up with the friend again
Giving him hope
in an impossible daydream

Friday 28**
the lack of attention,
lack of sexuality weighed on my shoulders
the abundance of stress and hardships
without any distraction
all at once
***** take away the pain
and it does
surrounded by beautiful people
with strangely demented faces
at least from my point of view
they watch over me as i stumble
a small rest in an elevator with pranksters
a cigarette on the balcony with..
who knows
a burning cigarette resting on my body somewhere
gum in my hair
then in the taco bell drive through
removing the toxins, in the worst of ways
and heading to the drunken second home of the beauties  

he cuddles me to sleep

i've been living in the shadows
in the small crevice in the back of my closet
next to the shoe box filled with love notes and memories

i've been seeing things through a ***** window
a window in my cell
where everything i touch is cold and sends shivers through my spine

i've been sleepwalking through this 'life'
as if it is my own
but i don't recognize the face i see in the mirror

i've been loving
every gentle, comely face that lay in their despair
and they run, they sprint, as i lay helpless

i've been trying, caring, wanting
and each and every time i am reminded
there is nothing good for me here

this isn't reality