that night
when you let me in
you told me i was amazing
that is what is killing me now

that night
i let you in deeper
we shared my domain
you saw everything i loved the most
and you took it all away

you filled my heart with lilacs
white and purple
passion, and hope for my contentment.
I thought that I had control
there was something there
it was bigger and truer than i expected
but there you went
your back turned as i began to collapse
my optimistic opposite had gone
and down i plummeted
please, bring the joy back into my life

Lately
I have decided
that if I were to come across the window to your soul,
any opening into your thoughts and feelings,
I would walk away.

Hesitate,
I may,
but I don't want any of your toxic beauty to leak in.
I could get trapped once again.

they say happiness can be achieved
by simply changing your point of view
but i say it's more complex

some were raised optimistic
others in doldrums
all able to achieve happiness

for some it is just around the corner
a smiling face
a close friend or a large embrace

for others it is across the Pacific
a true love
a constant companion

happiness is around
yes
but for me it isn't easily found

things have gotten very bad
i have forgotten how to handle it

i see you too much
it brings down any progress i might make

you're always with her
i thought you couldn't commit to someone?

i guess it was another excuse
people seem to be full of them

i'm never a first choice
people use me for attention

well what if i want attention?
when will it be my turn?

It's fine, okay?
Don't feel guilty
I wouldn't want this either
Go

Everything is fine
Not that you asked
Not that you'd care if it wasn't
Forget it

Have you seen the sideways glances?
Can you tell by my rouge cheeks and Rudolph nose
Do I look drained?
Maybe even distant?
Depressed

No. Your eyes are playing tricks
I am fine
I'm always fine
Not that you asked

the sun is shining and i still feel like complete ****
~