I wake up,
look at you,
I see everything.
while I linger
on the corners of your mouth
I see the pillars of morning light
and the way your breath
is hypnotic

I see the moment between
dreaming and day
for all it's worth
and I know in my bones
that it's worth holding onto
I see your eyebrows furrow
and remember why
I should burn the letters
that I write when I'm angry

I remember when I saw you
and I couldn't remember
where we'd gotten lost
but my soul sighed with relief
when I found you

I see you
and I see everything

as the empty, humid summer turns to fall
and cool winds start to blow,
I think back to spring,
when I stood on that stage,
exhausted,
with spotlights blinding me,
impairing my view of the audience.
but I could see you sitting there,
smirking,
in the seats closest to stage right.
an empty juice bottle in your hands
filled with recently picked river flowers.
we knew, even then,
at the very start of the adventure we took together,
that this wouldn't be an insignificant moment,
that not one moment between us would be meaningless,
and that not matter how hard we tried to forget them,
these moments would replay in our minds forever,
or at least in mine.

I will never dance on that stage again,
I will never look out to see you smiling at me from the audience.
You will never spend a day picking flowers for me at the river,
I wish you never had in the first place.

These days,
when I close my eyes to sleep at night
I see you looking at me
the way you used to look at me,
as if I was the only person around for miles
These days,
when I close my eyes and try to escape this empty world
you're there, smiling
with love reflected in every movement
and tears of joy in your eyes
These days,
when I crawl into bed and press my tear filled eyes shut
you're looking at me with concern
you comfort me, take care of me
kiss my forehead, lips, and neck.
These days,
I don't sleep well at all.
I can't close my eyes without seeing you
I can't sleep without dreaming of you
you're always there, and things are how they were.

But I can't be fooled by my mind.

my mom asked me if i'm numb to the bad language in my music
she asked if i choose not to hear it
no, i hear it.
in fact i love it
i think there are more important things to be worried about

~When I was 4
my parents left me in a car
in an unfamiliar neighborhood
while they attended a party
because I had fallen asleep
When I awoke
I cried
and went to a strangers house
asking for my mom
they called the cops
it was my fault.
~When I was 7
I got home after school
nobody was home
I waited a little bit
then called my friend's mom
scared, and had them pick me up
When my parents got home
a little bit later
they had been shopping
everything was fine
it was my fault.
~When I was 9
I began to have night terrors
I couldn't sleep
I cried and cried
my dad tried to understand
but there was only so much he could take
he made me sleep alone
upstairs
but I didn't sleep
I was afraid
and it was my fault.
~When I was 11
I found some friends
they were really cool
and I wasn't cool enough for them
they bossed me around
and I bought them ice cream
When my best friend
told me that Janelle was her best friend
not me
I cried, I didn't understand
and it was my fault.
~When I was thirteen
I thought I was in love
though I didn't know loves meaning
I was fooled and tricked
led on and hurt
I was pathetic
and it was my fault.
~When I was 15
I got over my first love
found a boy that was very cute
he said he loved me
and we made love
my first time
and many more followed
but it was all a lie
and mind games began
I believed him
it was my fault.
~When I was 17
I met a boy
whose heart was a diamond
who touched every person he met
he was loved by all
a caring, understanding, trustworthy person
something I had never come across
I took that amazing beautiful thing
the one person that told me
it's not your fault
and ruined it for myself
and it was my fault.

well i had to know it was too good to be true
your generous heart
your understanding demeanor
you saw such good in me
but that good that you saw wasn't as good as it seemed
but it was so amazing
for someone that was so amazing
to see something amazing in me
but alas, that isn't me
i'm not as lovely as you believed

shades on
looking cool
covering up my red eyes
tears staining my cheeks
yet I sit in the Chevron parking lot talking to people as if nothing is wrong
casually scrolling through my phone, asking people about their plans
as if I care
yeah, I smoked a cigarette today
or at least a couple drags
I thought that it could replace you
but no such luck so I gave it up
I wish for death, but death by smoking takes too long
now you feel gone and I need something to take your place