You wanna know the saddest thing?
Even though I'm trying my hardest to get over her and I don't love her but deep down, I do, I still would do anything for her.
If she asked me to jump off a bridge with her, I'd take her hand and fall into the chilling mayhem.
I wear a purity ring and I'm very strict about ****** relations.
But if she wanted to go all the way with me right then and there, I'd strip her of her clothes in 30 seconds.
Because I'm just that vulnerable.
If she was in a burning building, I would run in there and not even think about it.
I don't wanna go far for college and the rest of my life because I get homesick and I have everything here, like my church and my family and my friends.
But if she wanted me to run away with her, I'd get in that car and never look back.

Her name, I cannot say. You never know, she just may read this. I've known her all my life. Anyway, I've liked her for a year and a half now. She doesn't really know how she feels about Jesus. I am a devout Christian. Never would change my faith for anyone. I wish she believed. It's hard to be in love with someone who doesn't share a big interest as you do. It's not like I like coffee and she doesn't. This is a big deal. This changes everything. What if we got married and we had kids and they were forced to choose. It'd break my heart to have my kids not have a Christian faith. Oh goodness. What on Earth am I gonna do?

****, she is beautiful.
The way she looks in the morning
When she rolls over and kisses me at 7 AM.
When she whispers, "Good morning love."

That is all.

Aboard the boat
Above the blue
Across the sea
Along comes me and you
Among the waves
Around the corner
At sunset, you were what I was looking for
Before you give me your coat
Below the docks, whisper sincerely, "I love you."

It kinda hit me one day
I started thinking of your face
I don't really know where this is going
Cuz you're a married woman

I sit down and think of what to do
Cuz my heart belongs to a million other girls like you
I guess you're really never knowing
But you're a married woman

No No No No No No No
No more feelings, not today
No No No No No No No
This is all getting crazy

I see you all the time
It's not like I'm telling you how I really feel
I promise it'll go away
These feelings are the disguise of what is truly real

I wish I was with you some days
And I can't even believe I just said that
I'm losing my strength, my self control
Can you give that back because my heart is getting cold
Please don't find me strange
Please don't get me wrong
This is just a phase
I've been trying to find love for so long

I wonder how this would go down
If the word got around
This feeling can't be growing
Because you're a married woman

Heart stops.
I look at you.
I begin to think,
"Can this really be happening?"
"Am I falling for you?"
"Or is this just another crush that will pass when I latch onto someone else?"
"Could this happen?"
I pray.
I pray it will.
We hated each other at first.
Then in a parallel universe, we became friends.
I'm starting to think that it is a possibility.
But I'm not diving right into that. Because come on, let's face it:
My heart has been broken more times than Lindsay Lohan has been in legal trouble.
I listen to that song that makes me think of you: Last First Kiss-One Direction.
I'd be okay if you and me were each other's last first kiss.
I could see myself marrying you.
The chances of this are higher than any other feelings my heart has felt towards another person.
There's a song by Daughtry called "Start of Something Good" and it kinda sums up a lot.
He writes, "You never know when you're gonna meet someone and your whole wide world in a moment comes undone.
I know that it's gonna take some time.
I've got to admit that the thought has crossed my mind.
This might end up like it should.
I'm gonna say what I need to say and hope to God that it don't scare you away.
I don't wanna be misunderstood.
And Im starting to believe that this could be the start of something good."
I'm a true believer of "Everything happens for a reason."
I believe that God brings certain people into our lives for certain reasons and sometimes, He makes them exit our life.
It really depends.
You're either a blessing or a lesson.
I'm hoping you're in my life for something good, whether we are a couple or just friends.
Im praying that one day, you'll see me for who I really am and decide to give it a shot.
I know you're a really understanding person who I just so happen to find attractive.
I'm not asking for much.
Just for you to take into consideration of a possibility of us someday maybe being together.
I'm asking, despite the fact that I've liked a million different people in my life.
Somehow, this is different.
You're different.
And in all honesty, this really is.
There's circumstances and things I didn't get from others that I have gotten from you.
I'm not gonna get into detail, but let's say that you accept me for who I am and am going to be.
I like that about you.
Not judgmental.
You give me hope that everything will be okay and that this could happen.
I haven't gotten to the point where I'm in love with you and I think you're perfect and I think about you every second of the day.
But give it time.
Because it's bound to happen.
Just like the others.
Why should this time be any different than the others?
Well it is.
In a way.
Theres a saying that goes, "You know you're in love when you can't sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
I hope that happens for me someday.
I do get scared, though.
Because I don't wanna get close to you and then fall and have my heart broken.
But at the same time, I don't wanna not be near to you.
****.
So many choices.
I get scared that one day, I'll say something stupid and suddenly, you'll be out of my hands.
Or the fact that I like you slips out and all hell breaks loose.
But I dont know if this feeling will stay.
I mean I imagine it will.
But I don't know.
Well, whatever it turns into, let's just hope that you don't walk off with my self control like the others did.
Because you've already walked off with my heart.
You've won me over that far.
I usually write songs about the people I like or am starting to like.
But I guess I don't need a love song to signify that fact that I could potentially be falling for you.
I dont wanna fall deep into this.
I spent a year being in love with someone, spending every second wishing and hoping and praying that someday, I would get MY chance with them.
But that day never came, nor will it ever.
Because I had to come to terms with the fact that we wouldn't be together, no matter what I did or how hard I tried.
But alas, this is different.
It's kinda funny, this whole thing.
Because a year ago, even 2 months ago, if someone said I'd start to like you, I'd be thinking four things:
1. "WHAT?"
2. "Well, that's awkward."
3. "But we hated each other in the beginning."
4. "Eh, I guess I'm not surprised. It was bound to happen eventually."
The thing that really does get me is that we did not like each other in the beginning.
It's funny how you can go from utterly despising someone to starting to fall for their perfect self.
Wait, I said I didn't think you were perfect.
Eh, ***** it.
I'll start to think it one day.
Might as well start now.
I guess my heart will never learn.
I hate falling in love because I always know what the outcome will be, yet I fall anyway.
It starts off: "Oh I can get them to like me one day. You'll see."
Until it gets to that fateful and dreadful moment where hateful feelings are spewing out of me and Im cursing into the wind, thinking, "Why the hell couldnt this one have worked out?"
Is there anybody out there?
For me?
It's kinda cute, yet undenyingly unpleasant how someone can take a piece of your heart just by simply being themselves.
People can call me crazy.
Go ahead.
But I'm no different than any other teenager who has discovered that they can like the mutual weirdness and qualities and characteristics of another human being.
Am I right?
Of course, I'm not the first person to ever feel this way.
Everybody in their lifetime meets someone and falls in love with them.
Sometimes they get what they want.
And sometimes, it just isn't what God had planned for us.
Well, I'm hoping God can spare me just this once.
Because I need someone in my life.
And it's okay with me for you to be my significant other someday if it's okay with you.
So please, start thinking about where we will live and what our kids names will be.
Because, baby, I know I will be.

I'm finally giving in
I'm letting the end begin
I know I can't win
So why try to live?
So I'll sit and have a gin
And let God watch me as I sin
You can tell he is disappointed
You can see it through the burning

Sure I could turn it around
But I'm too tired
So I'll just let it take me down

I don't know where to fly
I don't know where to hide
I just can't seem to find the highs
I don't know why I try
When you're gone and now
I can't find the right time
To tell you
You were mine

I guess I'm a little bit too tired
I just can't seem to get higher
It's burning down to the last wire
A heartbroken burn in the fire

I know I can turn this around
But I'm too tired
So I'll just let it break me down

You don't care about me
You never did
It's in your eyes, I see
I saw my whole world
Now it's gone
Like a train down a track
You're not ever coming back
Like a balloon floating through the sky
But **** it, I thought you were mine

Sure I could turn it around
But I'm too tired and you don't give a ****
So I'll just let it break me down

On days when we're feeling cold
Your arms are around us to keep us warm
You heal the broken, you set us free
You're the salvation that we all need

You're crumbling these high walls down
Jesus you wear the crown
I start to wonder how
I doubted you because I know now
Jesus you are the King
We love you, lift you up and sing
Thou art the one that we bow down
We're bringing the kingdom down

I'm breaking free from these chains
I'm standing here and here, I'll remain
We may worry and feel hurt
But we shall take heart,
You've overcome the world

There's an awkward silence
As I walk by you
Should I say hello
Or walk away from you?
It's so weird
The way you're treating me
Like I'm a loser
And we had nothing

Should I run?
Who do you love?
Are you lying to me?
Are you over me?
And you hurt me
You broke me
Forget this
So can I get a witness?

You always talk about how you have fun
I bet it was fun to watch my whole entire world to come undone
And I bet you loved it, isolating me
But I'll move on, that I can guarantee

Should I fight?
Was I right?
Are you going on?
Are you lost?
And you left me
Broken down
I can be fearless
Oh can I get a witness?

I'm not dying
Not crying
Not trying to make you change your mind
Not lying
Death defying
Buying all of your time

There's an awkward silence
As I walk by you
Should I say hello to you
Or walk away from you?

I stare into the empty glass
And I realize it's my life
I tried to stop myself
But I kept looking at the knife
And you don't care for me
You thought I was a joke
Now the flames are taking over me
With the smoke, I'm left to choke

You wouldn't talk with me
Walk with me
Hang with me
Laugh with me
Love with me
Goof off with me
It would just feel so good
To let you go
But I can't let you go

I see the ink dripping
I notice it's my blood
And I feel like all you ever wanted
Was for me to suffer enough
You get so angry at me
You can't even look at my face
But I'll keep trying to show you
I'm not such a disgrace

You wouldn't care for me
Breathe for me
Cry for me
Die for me
Bleed for me
Pray for me
It'd feel so good to let go
But I can't let you go

I prayed all the time
That someday, you'd love me
And that I'd get the chance
To tell you how I feel

Looked at the text message
And saw those are my words
And when you read it
It was the worse thing that you ever heard
So I'll just stay here
While you're hung up in bed
And we'll both keep thinking about
All the stupid things I said

I guess we'll never know
If I could ever let you go

Does he kiss you before you leave every morning?
Does he make you breakfast just for the hell of it?
Does he rub your back when you've had a long day?
Does he play with your hair instead of your heart like most guys do?
Does he be a goofball with you like I am?
Does he take you in like a morning cup of coffee every time he feels your embrace?
Does he hold you when you cry and kiss you to make you feel better like I would?
Does he ever cry in front of you and show his sensitivity?
Does he know what he has and doesn't take you for granted?
Does he hold you close like a good man should?
Does he tell you he loves you every chance he gets?
Does he make you smile like I do?
Does every love song he hears make him think of you?
Does he let you lay your head on his chest?
Does he ever pour his heart out to you because your love is so overwhelming?
Does he dance with you like I wish I could?
Does he make love to you passionately like we could?

Does he tell you that you're beautiful every single day?

Does he love you like I love you?

Well, tell me

does he?

A girl doesn't want drama
She just wants a guy truthful
A girl doesn't want to be called hot
She wants to be told she's beautiful
She doesn't want to go out all of the time
She's rather stay home in her sweats
And she gets all crazy when you look at her
Even though you both just met
She doesn't need a popular guy
She'd rather date a nerd
It's funny because some people say
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard
But hey, do you really know a girl?

I woke up from my sleep
You left me yesterday
It's not so ******* me
You thought I'd cry
Yeah, you probably thought I'd die
But you don't see any tears
No you don't see me dying here

I used to breathe into you
When love was all we knew
You probably thought I couldn't breathe without you
But guess what, honey?
I got news for you
I don't need you anymore

With fire like this, you'd burn
So why do I have to give in return?

You can go on now
I'm ain't living in doubt
I don't need this kind of life
Just a pink, little square
To erase you from my life

You thought, you thought I couldn't live
My whole life, you thought I'd give to you
But you have the story wrong
I'm not gonna give you anything at all

And when I'd fall,
You just stand there and watch as I called

You thought I'd suffer
More than you ever did, oh please
At first, it was very hard to make it look so easy
But now it is

Fate is an empty lie
No need to kiss me goodbye
Let me retrieve my pink square of rubber
So I can remove you from my whole life

I slept next to you
It was amazing
I held back all my feelings
Cuz we're just friends
But I don't know
I feel like you give me hope for a chance for us
I've seen you in underwear and a bra
I've seen you in a towel
You're still that beautiful girl
You always will be
Even if you knew
I wouldn't have had to say a word
Because the thoughts running through my mind
Said it all
We just laid there
Me, trying not to say something
That will make you wonder
You, having not a single clue
It was just peaceful, blissful silence
And that was the moment I knew
That I was falling for you

I'm playing this game called life
Don't know if it's the right time
You can hear my cries at night
I don't deserve eternal life

I know I don't have the right
Because I sin all the time
I shouldn't fear the devil's bite
I guess I have to fight

I got it the easy way
Cause I won't die today
There's so many out there
They're homeless everywhere

I hate this life I'm living
Cause all I'm doing is sinning
I shouldn't be forgiven
And my God's got me risen
And all I do is play God
I'm not where I belong
I should be in the devil's lot
Can't appreciate all I got

After praising, I go back to that old life
And I start to be someone I despise
It's not fair to Him that I can't commit
I know I gotta change, I'm just so sick of it

I gotta change my ways
Unless I wanna die today
Look at all those children, they're scared
They're homeless everywhere

Oh take my life
Oh take my life
Keep me in this fight
Lord keep me in this fight

My blood keeps getting thinner
All I am is a sinner
I'm not gonna be a winner
No I'm not the grinner
I wish I could change my ways
I wish I could change this place
Get out of my old days
Can you hear what I say?

She walked past me.
She initiated the "Good morning" with that sweet smile on her face.
That was it. I was gone.
My heart took off on a high speed chase.

Heart skips a beat
Starting to see red
I've made my bed of nails
Now I must lay in it
I'm starting to open my eyes
This isn't no passing glance
I'm starting to realize
That I have no chance

This is tearing down my insides
To the point where I can't breathe
I need you to look me in the eyes
And tell me why the hell you're doing this to me

Are you mad?
Are you ticked?
Am I starting to make your heart sick?
Tell me because I need to know
Are you annoyed?
Are you faking smiles?
Don't want to doubt, but this is getting vile
I'm starting to lose my hope
I'm getting paranoid and nobody knows

Today, my name is "can't make up my mind."
Tomorrow, my name will be, "never-ending sorrow."
Yesterday, my name was, "upset at the world."
Oh how I just can't wait for tomorrow

I'd like to think that I have a God-given right to my own **** happiness. So why are there so many setbacks? Why do I have to live a nightmare everyday to get what I want? I truly believe this is what's best for me and God agrees. This is who I am. I'm not a girl. I am a guy. I can remember ever since I was little wanting to be a boy. So many setbacks. Acceptance, money, job, wife, kids. Is my family gonna accept me? What about the money? This isn't just a hundred bucks. This is a huge expense. Sure I'll have help from family and friends, but is it ever real gonna be enough? I can deal with getting poked with a needle everyday. I hate anxiety. Why should I have to wake up with anxiety every morning and it's gets to the point where I contemplate suicide? This is pulling me away from my faith. Jesus. I have no words. He's so perfect that anything I say won't measure up to his perfection. This is making me mad at God, as if he is the one throwing the setbacks at me. Well, I guess he kinda is. My good friend Livy said that he gives us obstacles in order for us to prove how much I love him. Okay. I can handle and accept that. What I can't accept is the pain. I can't accept the fact that I deal with anxiety and it kills me emotionally to point where it could potentially **** me physically. Where do I turn? Medication is slowly kicking in. Okay I get the point. Now medicine, can you please just kick in already so I believe that I have a reason to live? I don't wanna feel alone. I just want to be free. Free from these chains. I just want to feel whole again. I wanna go out and have fun and not worry about the future. I don't want to sit inside staring at a wall all day. That's basically what I've been doing. Can anybody hear me? Is there anybody out there?

You ignore my posts
Don't respond to my texts
Don't reply to my tweets
Oh God, what's next?
It's like some days you don't care
And some days you do
But I wonder if you'd care
If you knew how I feel about you

Hypothetically, I'll be married to her, the most beautiful woman in the world and she will not only feel the same way, but will want to be married too.

Hypothetically, we'll have two kids. A boy named Asher and a girl named Brooklyn. And she'll love them and love the thought of having kids.

Hypothetically, we're gonna own a house and she'll enjoy that she has a permanent place, not just another apartment.

Hypothetically, she'll want me. And she'll kiss me in the morning and be such a hopeless romantic.

Hypothetically, we'll have each other. Forever and always. And I won't be just a face she passes everyday and smiles at.

Hypothetically, we'll be something more than just a professor and a student.

I will be the best that I can be
I want to be all that you need
I used to be afraid of letting it be
I let go of the sorrow that I really don't need
I've forgotten the past, everything I did
I remember wishing I didn't mess up like I did
I am another ordinary girl
I am another voice, speaking in the world

I don't fall for people anymore because the last crush I had lasted a year and I was so indulged in it but I had to let it go because I realized we will never be together.
I don't fall for people anymore because I always end up getting hurt in the end, even when I say it's worth it.
I don't fall for people anymore because even though I'm sexually pure, I still end up giving away a piece of me, a piece of my heart.
I don't fall for people anymore because I always have to watch them be with someone else. It's like as soon as I like them, they get in a relationship. 
I don't fall for people anymore because I always end up throwing that person in the past and then it's awkward. 
I don't fall for people anymore because I always jump to conclusions like we will be married and we will have this many kids and live here and etcetera etcetera.
I don't fall for people anymore because I latch onto someone and find it extremely hard to let go. I need to not be able to trust people so quickly.
I don't fall for people anymore because I always let myself down. 
I don't fall for people anymore because every little bit of hope and expectation I have inside me is eventually drastically drained out of my low ridden soul due to the fact that the person I like will never want to be with me.
I don't fall for people because all I wanted was you and I cant even have that. 
I don't fall anymore because I've finally caught my footing.

If every kiss was a rose
We'd have a garden
If every second was a hug
I'd be in your arms
If every tear was a raindrop
There'd be a storm
If my arms were a blanket
Well, baby, I'd be keeping you warm

I hate love songs.
It's just a sappy little tune of someone else's expectations.
I expect certain things for my life
But they'll never be what is written in a song
Love songs are like movies.
People write songs and movies about people living happily after ever.
Well that's completely false.
Because no one lives happily ever after.
We watch these movies and listen to these songs and build up our own expectations
Only to be let down when we realize that this is reality
We think "Oh I want a love like that."
When really, there's no such thing as true love.
Right?
I don't know.
That's kinda how I think of it.
Love songs ****.
Because we latch onto what that person is saying, hoping we're gonna find that someday
But look at how hopeless we are
I'm so hopeless
I don't know what to think about love
There's so many degrees of love
Finding that true person who just happens to know everything about you
And likes it.
And you like all those things about them
But why?
Everybody's all like "love is such an amazing thing."
Like there's no faults in it
Like people don't cheat on each other
And people don't break up with each other for no reason
Like there's no back-stabbing
Like it doesn't ever fall apart because you have the glue to hold it together
But what's the point of love when there's so many faults that come with it
Let's face it
Everybody throws the word "love" around like it's a baseball
"I love you" "I love you too"
Bull.
Because then it ends and it's like "Oh but I thought you were in love?"
I wonder if love lasts forever.
I mean nothing lasts forever
I wonder if you can stay in love with the same person forever
I mean how's that possible?
Don't you get sick of looking at that person?
Don't you ever feel like being with someone else
I don't know. Maybe I'm saying this because I've never experienced love
With anyone special
Just meaningless relationships
From my youth that I knew would never last
Then what was the point of being with that person
Fun?
It ***** to have a hopeless crush that you know will never happen
But maybe it never happens because you DON'T believe
I don't know.
People should find that one person
Everybody has a God given right to find love
They need to find it the right way
People have one night stands with random strangers
How can you honestly make love to someone and feel something called "love" to someone you just met?
Like how?
You shouldn't give yourself to someone you don't know
In my opinion, you shouldn't give yourself to anyone unless you know you're gonna spend the rest of your life with that person
And I'm not just saying that because I'm a Christian
I wasn't planning on giving myself to anyone before I was married, before I found God
Sure, that's a part of it
Because *** before marriage is a sin
But I didn't have an expectation of having *** with anyone before I was married
And the only way to know if you'll spend, "forever", "eternity"
With that person is not when you put the engagement ring on
But the wedding ring
Because an engagement ring means nothing
It's just an announcement that you're planning on a future
It's nothing set in stone
People might say, "Yeah but you can always get divorced."
When I get married, that's not an option.
Because why would I throw something away that I know can hopefully be fixed?
People might say, "How can I not have *** in this relationship?"
It's easy.
Don't.
Love is so fake.
And yet, so real.
I have love songs
But listen to them all the time because I build up that expectation
But let's face it
We don't always get the fairytale we want
I hate love songs for one reason
You expect so much in your future
You're waiting for that prince to come save you
But come on.
That's fake.
I hate love songs.
I hate love movies.
I hate love.

I cried you a river of raindrops and tears
Can't you see me begging on my knees here
Every single day, I live in fear
Of the mere fact of someone taking you away from me

I've wanted to write about this for a while now.

I know someone who is going to prison for a *** crime.

Here is what I'll never understand.

This person was married with kids.

I'll never understand how this person was able to think that they would get away with what they were doing.

Let's be honest.

People talk.

The other end of this was surely going to talk eventually.

I'll never understand how they were willing to risk their future and career and family all for unrequited love. It doesn't make sense to me.
This person had everything. A good job, loving family, and a future.

All of that is gone.

How does someone risk all that?

You built me up
And tore me down
Now I'm forced to put on a smile
And turn my frown upside down

You think love is a game
And you can throw out the words, "I love you"
And sadly I'm your victim
Because you made me love you

But you'll never feel that way about me
You're gonna like that other someone
And that's why I can't breathe anymore
I'm just so wrapped up in your loving

I might be broken 
But I'll find someone else
It's not that you don't love me properly
It's just I can't even love myself

I'm sitting on a burning bridge
With not a single urge to move
You threw my hopeless heart in the river
I don't care if it's still in two
I know I'd go back to those days
When baby, I didn't need to recover
But now with this aching heartbreak
Baby girl, you're my sweet nothing

So tell me if you really meant what you said
Or you just weren't thinking right
I think you were playing with my head
Just like you do all the time
If I had a dime for every time
I thought you would actually stay
I'd be sitting on that burning bridge
Throwing my dimes into the gray

I'm breathing in a burning house
With not a single notion to get up
My soul's somewhere under this fire
Oh baby, along with our love

So tell me if you ever really cared
Or it was just a smile faked for my sake
I don't know, should I say a silent prayer
Or just hope God can hear me with all this trouble you've made?
If I had a penny for every time
That you said that you'd stay
I'd be throwing my change into the fire
That's starting to cover my face

I guess our love wasn't set in stone
I guess it never really is
I guess you weren't mine to own
That was just another wish
Or just another expectation at which I'd live
It just wouldn't give

Tell me, is there something I can do
Or am I just supposed to forget about you?
I'm strangled by your loving
I wish I could stop running
And now that I'm finally sober
I say to myself, "It's definitely over."

It's just the feeling I get when I'm around her.
It's just the longing I feel when we can't be together.
It's just the smell of her sweet perfume, lingering through the air.
It's just that cute little smile she has.
It's just her laugh when something funny happens.
It's just the way she can make you better when you're down.
It's just the weird faces she makes to get you to laugh. 
It's just the way she's a goofball. 
It's just how I feel when I think of her.
It's just that vibe I get when I lay down and I think of what could be of us.
It's just the way she laughs at anything.
It's just the way that she's a warrior for Christ.
It's just the feeling I got when I slept next to her.
It's just everything she does.
It's just her perfection. 
It's just that I can't live without her.
It's just I need to be with her as much as I can.
It's just she's so amazing. Everything she does is amazing. 
It's just........
It's just her.

I can't imagine someone taking you from me
It'd drive me insane to know you let go too soon
Or just the mere fact
That I wasn't capable of holding on to you

I don’t really believe in aliens
Only the ones in my head
I don’t believe in monsters
Except the demons under my bed

I’m sick and tired of feeling feelings
That I know they’re not
I’m living in a horror movie going on in my head
That I just can’t turn off
I don’t know why I have obsessiveness
It doesn’t really make sense because it’s not like I deserve this
Or do I?

Sometimes I can just drown myself in sad songs
And not even feel a **** thing
Some days I hear a love song
And I’ll cry until I can’t breathe

I’m not writing this to try to get pity
I’m just asking why the hell does my mind
Keep playing on repeat?

This keeps happening to me
I begin to fall
And I’m trying my hardest
To convince myself it’s not my fault

Just thinking about,
I begin to shiver
“Almost over night, my world began to darken
And hope seemed to wither”

Back in middle school, after I said I was depressed,
They made me sign a piece of paper that said I wouldn’t **** myself
But a piece of paper is just a piece of paper
Doesn’t make a difference, can you tell?

Yes, I’ve made some stupid, pathetic decisions
In the past that weren’t so wise
I’m just trying to find the welcome mat into my life

I used to think talking to her was the best thing,
The greatest victory I’m focused on
But it’s been two years and she went away
I’m okay with that so I guess you could say I’ve moved on

All those stupid things I said
Can’t believe I had the nerve
And God ******, I’m sick and tired
Of acting on an urge

One of the reasons this came back to get me
Is because I judge
Despite the fact that I go to church
And they tell me not to hold a grudge

So Father, heal me.
Forgive me of my shameful sins
Just rid me of hatred and all those demons
And just finally let my life begin

He passed in '95, two years before I made my debut into the world. 64 years old. So **** young. Some kind of cancer, they said. I don't know I think it was prostrate. Even though he's gone and I never met him, I hear really good things about him. I wanna be a person my grandpa would be proud of. I want to know that he's up in heaven, smiling down on me, thinking, "I'm so **** proud." I really wish I had met him. Life's not fair, I guess. But what I would've done and would do to be able to see him face to face for the first time. I've heard the sound of his voice on tape. It's kinda cute, like a cartoon character. He kinda sounds a little like Bugs Bunny. Adorable. What I'd give to know him.

I miss the leaves when they'd fall down
I miss the time you'd come around
I miss the sun, shining down on me
I miss you, most importantly

It's really hard
Letting you go
Is like a waterfall without a flow
And I don't know
What I'm supposed to do
Without you
It's hard
Letting you go

I miss the time we did it on our own
I miss those times, but now I'm all alone

Baby you look like nothing I've ever seen
Like you stepped out of the pages of a magazine

You gotta help me out
I think I bumped my head
My veins are turning black
And my lungs are auburn red
But maybe it's just the nightmare
That you're long gone
Even though I said I'm sorry
And I wrote you a song

I'm so silly on the inside
Come take a look at this huge mess
I killed your heart and stabbed your soul
And all of this, I confess

So Mr. Detective,
Are you gonna lock me up?
I killed a girl, her and her dreams
Do you think I've done enough?
So are you gonna lock me up?

"I'd sell my soul just to see your face
And I'd break my bones just to heal your pain
In these times, I need a saving grace
Time is running out and I'm starting to lose faith."

These lyrics by Florida Georgia Line stand out to me.
I would do anything for this girl I like.
I've been in love with her for a year.
But sometimes, I think she's mad at me
When most of the time, it's me overreacting
Everything is fine
I try to tell myself that
I bleed out my heart for her
This puts me at my lowest point to know she could potentially be mad at me
It kills every nerve inside of me
I feel like she isn't paying attention to me
And the worst part of liking someone
Is pretending to be okay when they don't pay attention to you
I post really good testimonies sometimes and most of the time, she likes them
But lately, I feel like it's been dead
And so has our relationship
But just the other day, she liked something of mine
So am I just an overreacter?
I want us to be together more than anything
Anything.
ANYTHING.
In the beginning, it seemed so right
Because we had a lot of things in common
We are both Christians
We worship Jesus
We both love country music
There is only one thing:
She is the same gender as me
And there's no way she would date a girl
Which is normal
I know a lot of people like that
That makes her human
I haven't hidden the fact that I'm gay to a lot of people
But there is one secret I have hidden
I'm about to let it out
Because I'm at my lowest point
And I'm extremely vulnerable
When I graduate high school
I want to get gender re-assignment surgery
Not for her
Well I guess you could say that's a tiny part of it
I've always liked girls since I was in like first grade
Had no idea there was a name for it
I have a fear though
My church is such a big part of my life and who I am
I'm scared to death that they won't want me to or let me serve if I change
It scares me to the point where I make myself sick
And yeah I feel like a hypocrite
Because I teach kids every single week
That they should be who God created them to be
And yet I can't even do that
But I love what I do at church
If I didn't care about it, I wouldn't, excuse my language, make such a **** effort to go
If I couldn't serve, I don't know what I'd do
I don't care if people judge me
This is my life
Let me live it
This girl knows about it
Actually, most of my friends know about it
Sometimes I think I made a mistake doing that
Because that is just another way for her to think I like her
I don't want that.
I try not to hang around her too much
Don't want to make it obvious
She has gotten me through a lot of stuff
Honestly.
I told her and she said she'd support me
Although, it was awkward
Like she doesn't agree with it
I get this feeling all the time that she knows about me liking her
And just the mere thought of her being with someone else sickens me
I can make myself feel like I just spun around in a chair fifty times by thinking about it.
It kills.
What am I supposed to do?!
It's not like I can ask her if she's mad because she's probably not and that just makes me seem like a worried idiot
That makes me seem like I really care what people think about me
When I don't
I am my own self
Not perfect
But who is?
God, send me a sign that things are okay.
Please.
Because I really need it
And when it gets like this, I think back to suicide
I don't know
Do I really want to go that far?
After I've come this far?
I am an overcomer
I want to defeat this
And when I'm a guy someday
I'm going to be the happiest I've ever been
With or without her in my arms
But I prefer that she would be



If you'd like to donate, follow the link below.

http://funds.gofundme.com/index.php?route=fundmanager

I met my shadow today
Yes, I met her on the street
She happened to scare me half to death
My heart skipped a beat
We walked and talked all night long
About things that teenage girls do
We talked about drama, and things really crazy
If you could talk to your shadow, would you?

She is everything
She is great 
She makes my heart beat
I pray to God
I'll be enough
For her, someday. Give her love
When she smiles, the sparks fly
And my heart opens up whenever she says hi
I see a smile break onto her face.
And I hear her calling my name. 
******* she is beautiful
******* she is wonderful
And if you ever ask for her name
I'll say, "No way!"

I can't remember much
Not even anything
That fateful day, towers collapsed
And yet, we all lost something

A part of us, a memory
It was an awakening
Still that fateful day, I was only four
We still lost something

A father, a mother, a sister or brother
An aunt, an uncle, a grandfather, grandmother
A cousin, a best friend, even a true soulmate
Why'd they do what they did
That left us with that fate?

One day, I thought of something
I hadn't lost anyone I'd miss
But I did lose something inside of me
The fact that God exists

Why would he let them die
To make them suffer through the pain
To make families die inside
Please tell me, who is to blame?

Some were lucky, they didn't lose somebody
But 3,000 families did
But still, I thought to myself
There is a mighty King

There is a true God inside of us
Lots will be missed
Because who else made heaven and Earth
And everything that exists?

If there's a God that we all know
He protected us that very hour
He didn't let us be in New York
To be in a falling tower

He held onto us and told us inside
"Fear not for I am with you"
But we all still watched in despair
9/11 on the news

They heard something crash into the wall
When it fell, they gasped
For air to breathe, a hand to hold
I feel collapsed
And oh how time elapsed

I don't mean to rain on your parade
But I just called to say that things are great
Since we cut our ties,
Since we stopped telling lies,
All the times we shared are now burning to the ground

And I don't even care.

I would do anything to get to you
But I don't wanna be rescued.

Speak up
Tell them what they want to hear
Listen, acknowledge what they feel
It'll all get better soon and you can move along
Speak now
It doesn't have to be truth
They just wanna bring you down
Don't let them get the best of you

Turn off the worry
Turn on the take heart
It's gonna be alright
We can always restart

When you're down
When you've got a frown
When you're feeling bad
And you're feeling sad
When insecurity gets the best of you
And you're down and you're feeling blue
And a friend is all you need
You can come to me

Monday's approaching
Fate may be decided
My heart's breaking
For him

I still can't believe this is happening
He doesn't deserve it
Yet, he's so strong
How is he that strong?

I'm scared for him
I don't want anything to happen to him
Please don't hurt him
He wasn't thinking

He wasn't thinking those few months
We all lose it sometimes
Yeah, what he did was unacceptable
But so was what she did

You can't accuse someone of something like that
Because **** is not something to kid about
And I hate her for saying he did that
Surely there was something else you could have said

And then you say he wouldn't take you back
Wait. Why would you wanna go back to him?
Guess you made it up
And you just wanted to rue the day

That ****** me off
So **** much
Get so angry when I think about it
I wish I could save him

I hate him sometimes for what he did to his family
Cuz how could you do that?
But she has his family thinking he did more damage than he did
And that burns a hole more than you think

And she just wanted to rue the day.

I always thought it would work
I took you for granted
You were out of my arms in a heartbeat
Guess that's what you get when you're arrogant
I've tried my hardest to move on
I've tried my hardest not to cry
Because she had me at hello
And she left me at goodbye

Screams through the hall,
Blood everywhere
The sound of footsteps running
From the boy who thinks its fair

Why is he doing this?
Doesn't he know it's wrong?
You can't come in and hurt who you see
Why can't we all just get along?

Everyone is getting weaker 
The hours are getting longer
But it all gets better, that I promise you
Everybody will soon grow stronger

He probably thought he could run
Yeah he thought he could get away 
You can't be harmful to 1200 people 
And think that you're not gonna pay

He's sitting in that juvenile center
I wonder if he's ashamed
Did he really think he could do all this
And play it like it was a video game?

This could happen to any school
So don't think it's only you
Havent you seen all the horrible events?
Hell, just take a look at the news 

It won't always be like this
Those bad memories, I promise, will fade
FR is strong, that I know is true 
They all come together and pray

Everyone's gonna be terrified 
When they go back to school on Monday
But It'll be okay, take a deep breath
Just close your eyes and pray

God's gonna watch over you
He already did that tragic Wednesday morn
1,200 kids, not a single one dead
That's grace shining bright from the Lord

Don't be afraid, no don't you worry
The pain can't last forever 
So sleep easy tonight, Franklin Regional
Close your eyes and it will all get better

You know that feeling you get when you're starting to fall for someone; When you start thinking about that person a little more every day.
Those fluttery butterflies that are starting to form in your stomach and you are starting to get scared and you want it to stop yet at the same time you don't. There's a saying that says, "You know you're in love when you can't sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." Amen. So true. I'm falling deeper and deeper every time I see her. I don't know, she just gives me this vibe that says, "Falling in love with you is scary, but it feels right because I know it's worth it." You know that feeling? I know that I have two options: Let this whole entire crush go and move on, or fall in love and hope for the best. Well, I think we all know which I'm gonna pick. Alas, I say may everyone have that feeling. Everyone deserves that feeling. Everyone deserves to know what it's like to be in love. Some might disagree because love can sometimes cause heartache and people will say, "I don't deserve this." Well, yeah. No matter what relationship you're in, it's not gonna be all rainbows and sunshine. It has it's ups and downs. You're gonna fight. You might even break sometime in anger. But eventually, you move on, with or without that person. You forgive and even though it's hard, you forget. When I get married, divorce, well that's not in the cards that have been dealt. It's forever and always, like it or not. That's the way God intended it to be. I think about this girl quite often, not compulsively or obsessively. But I'd be lying if I said that she didn't cross my mind a few times a day. I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about the sound of her voice and how much I miss it, and the smell of her perfume and how it gets me in an unpredictable crush like uproar. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to push her up against a wall and kiss her. I'd be lying if I said that sleeping next to her was the worst feeling. I'd be telling a fib if I said that I don't long for the day that she thinks, "You're the one I want.", if I didn't dream of the day that she's jumping up and down, screaming, "Yes!", if I didn't build my expectation of the day that she would look me in the eyes and say, "I do." I'd be lying if I told you that I haven't thought about what it'd be like to wake up to her by my side every morning, even though I've liked her for a month. Well, my friends, I like to plan ahead.

She and I were babysitting one time
And I was fortunate enough to capture a picture of her holding a baby.
She looked so peaceful in the picture.
She looked like she knew exactly what she was doing.
I asked her, for the sake of our possible future, if she wanted kids.
Hanging out with her, I wasn't really sure.
She didn't seem like the type to want kids.
She said, "Someday."  
That was all I needed.
I feel like even if she didn't want kids, I'd still want to be with her.
Because, it's her.
I hope I get to be with her forever.
Because I know, with or without me, she'll be a great mother.

Some days, I just sleep alone
Some days, I walk a lonely road
Some days, I miss you because you're gone
Some days, I feel pain because you've moved on

Sometimes I wonder
If you ever lay in bed
And start to think about me
Sometimes I wonder
If you look to your side
And you wish it were me
Sometimes I wonder
If you ever regret letting me go
Sometimes I wonder
But I guess I'll never know