I'd like to think that I have a God-given right to my own **** happiness. So why are there so many setbacks? Why do I have to live a nightmare everyday to get what I want? I truly believe this is what's best for me and God agrees. This is who I am. I'm not a girl. I am a guy. I can remember ever since I was little wanting to be a boy. So many setbacks. Acceptance, money, job, wife, kids. Is my family gonna accept me? What about the money? This isn't just a hundred bucks. This is a huge expense. Sure I'll have help from family and friends, but is it ever real gonna be enough? I can deal with getting poked with a needle everyday. I hate anxiety. Why should I have to wake up with anxiety every morning and it's gets to the point where I contemplate suicide? This is pulling me away from my faith. Jesus. I have no words. He's so perfect that anything I say won't measure up to his perfection. This is making me mad at God, as if he is the one throwing the setbacks at me. Well, I guess he kinda is. My good friend Livy said that he gives us obstacles in order for us to prove how much I love him. Okay. I can handle and accept that. What I can't accept is the pain. I can't accept the fact that I deal with anxiety and it kills me emotionally to point where it could potentially **** me physically. Where do I turn? Medication is slowly kicking in. Okay I get the point. Now medicine, can you please just kick in already so I believe that I have a reason to live? I don't wanna feel alone. I just want to be free. Free from these chains. I just want to feel whole again. I wanna go out and have fun and not worry about the future. I don't want to sit inside staring at a wall all day. That's basically what I've been doing. Can anybody hear me? Is there anybody out there?

I miss the leaves when they'd fall down
I miss the time you'd come around
I miss the sun, shining down on me
I miss you, most importantly

It's really hard
Letting you go
Is like a waterfall without a flow
And I don't know
What I'm supposed to do
Without you
It's hard
Letting you go

I miss the time we did it on our own
I miss those times, but now I'm all alone

Passionate kiss,
You clawing at my shirt
I can feel you
Your hair in a craze
Your fingers through mine
You whisper, "Oh God, how I waited for you."

Speak up
Tell them what they want to hear
Listen, acknowledge what they feel
It'll all get better soon and you can move along
Speak now
It doesn't have to be truth
They just wanna bring you down
Don't let them get the best of you

Turn off the worry
Turn on the take heart
It's gonna be alright
We can always restart

When you're down
When you've got a frown
When you're feeling bad
And you're feeling sad
When insecurity gets the best of you
And you're down and you're feeling blue
And a friend is all you need
You can come to me

On days when we're feeling cold
Your arms are around us to keep us warm
You heal the broken, you set us free
You're the salvation that we all need

You're crumbling these high walls down
Jesus you wear the crown
I start to wonder how
I doubted you because I know now
Jesus you are the King
We love you, lift you up and sing
Thou art the one that we bow down
We're bringing the kingdom down

I'm breaking free from these chains
I'm standing here and here, I'll remain
We may worry and feel hurt
But we shall take heart,
You've overcome the world

She walked past me.
She initiated the "Good morning" with that sweet smile on her face.
That was it. I was gone.
My heart took off on a high speed chase.

****, she is beautiful.
The way she looks in the morning
When she rolls over and kisses me at 7 AM.
When she whispers, "Good morning love."

That is all.