I cried you a river of raindrops and tears
Can't you see me begging on my knees here
Every single day, I live in fear
Of the mere fact of someone taking you away from me

"I'd sell my soul just to see your face
And I'd break my bones just to heal your pain
In these times, I need a saving grace
Time is running out and I'm starting to lose faith."

These lyrics by Florida Georgia Line stand out to me.
I would do anything for this girl I like.
I've been in love with her for a year.
But sometimes, I think she's mad at me
When most of the time, it's me overreacting
Everything is fine
I try to tell myself that
I bleed out my heart for her
This puts me at my lowest point to know she could potentially be mad at me
It kills every nerve inside of me
I feel like she isn't paying attention to me
And the worst part of liking someone
Is pretending to be okay when they don't pay attention to you
I post really good testimonies sometimes and most of the time, she likes them
But lately, I feel like it's been dead
And so has our relationship
But just the other day, she liked something of mine
So am I just an overreacter?
I want us to be together more than anything
Anything.
ANYTHING.
In the beginning, it seemed so right
Because we had a lot of things in common
We are both Christians
We worship Jesus
We both love country music
There is only one thing:
She is the same gender as me
And there's no way she would date a girl
Which is normal
I know a lot of people like that
That makes her human
I haven't hidden the fact that I'm gay to a lot of people
But there is one secret I have hidden
I'm about to let it out
Because I'm at my lowest point
And I'm extremely vulnerable
When I graduate high school
I want to get gender re-assignment surgery
Not for her
Well I guess you could say that's a tiny part of it
I've always liked girls since I was in like first grade
Had no idea there was a name for it
I have a fear though
My church is such a big part of my life and who I am
I'm scared to death that they won't want me to or let me serve if I change
It scares me to the point where I make myself sick
And yeah I feel like a hypocrite
Because I teach kids every single week
That they should be who God created them to be
And yet I can't even do that
But I love what I do at church
If I didn't care about it, I wouldn't, excuse my language, make such a **** effort to go
If I couldn't serve, I don't know what I'd do
I don't care if people judge me
This is my life
Let me live it
This girl knows about it
Actually, most of my friends know about it
Sometimes I think I made a mistake doing that
Because that is just another way for her to think I like her
I don't want that.
I try not to hang around her too much
Don't want to make it obvious
She has gotten me through a lot of stuff
Honestly.
I told her and she said she'd support me
Although, it was awkward
Like she doesn't agree with it
I get this feeling all the time that she knows about me liking her
And just the mere thought of her being with someone else sickens me
I can make myself feel like I just spun around in a chair fifty times by thinking about it.
It kills.
What am I supposed to do?!
It's not like I can ask her if she's mad because she's probably not and that just makes me seem like a worried idiot
That makes me seem like I really care what people think about me
When I don't
I am my own self
Not perfect
But who is?
God, send me a sign that things are okay.
Please.
Because I really need it
And when it gets like this, I think back to suicide
I don't know
Do I really want to go that far?
After I've come this far?
I am an overcomer
I want to defeat this
And when I'm a guy someday
I'm going to be the happiest I've ever been
With or without her in my arms
But I prefer that she would be



If you'd like to donate, follow the link below.

http://funds.gofundme.com/index.php?route=fundmanager

I've never been so sure in my life
I was sitting on my bed
First of all, I'd like to point out
That on Facebook, you can star your friends
And get emails when they update their status
So I do that for my friends
Anyway, I was going through my inbox
And a certain email caught my eye
All I saw was, "J...... is in a relationship"
And my heart dropped
I got that nervous feeling you get
When you're afraid to do something
My mouth was almost on the floor
I wanted to cry
I thought I was gonna be sick
And it's ridiculous because I know I have no shot
But I still care
It's that feeling you get
When the ex you still love gets in a relationship
And I feel like Christians are more successful in relationships
Everytime I see her, I'm going to get that sick feeling
And she still doesn't know
Because now,
It's so hard not to say
I don't wanna risk losing her like I did with M
That was a train track to hell
Just another accident waiting to happen
And it totally ***** because she promised me that we'd hang one day
But the chances of that going to happen have just been lowered
Because she's going to want to see him
I don't know the guy personally
But he went to the same school as J
She told me she liked him
When she went to prom with him
I was just hoping he wouldn't like her back
I know it's selfish
But I just want it to end
It's hard watching that
I guess you could say I saw it coming
But I just prayed it wouldn't happen
I don't wanna lose her
I knew they were gonna date
They're best friends
And that's what hurts the most
She's such a perfect person
And judge me if you want,
But I don't care
She has all of the qualities of a best friend
She's nice
She's sweet
She's reliable
Perfect
And I may be crazy,
But I just don't care
People can say what I want
But she's not like M
M was just different
A different person to me
Somebody that I used to know
I wrote this around 5:30 a.m.
That shows you how much sleep I've lost
I got around 5 hours
That *****
Everytime I think about it,
My stomach just gets queasy
It's so selfish of me to want them to break up
but I just don't know
Doesn't that make any normal person who is having their heart broken?
Don't I have a right to wish that?
Doesn't that make me human?
It's just what I want
J is different from all the others I've liked
The others really didn't care about me
She has gotten me through some stuff
She actually cares
We talk like best friends sometimes
I remember when she was picking out dresses for prom
And there was no one more excited to show me her dress than she was
And I just to tell her so bad
And you have no idea how much it hurts not to tell
But **** it, it is
I just don't want her to judge me like the others did
All I do is pray
I mean, isn't that all I can do?
I guess my eyes have really opened up
Right now, it's still just hard to take in
It's so hard to believe
But it's happening
I'm thinking about it so much that my eyes aren't even tired
Despite getting 5 hours of sleep
And I wish I could tell people are church (youth group)
But I'm afraid of judgment there
I guess that's a chance I gotta take
Most people there are friends with her
I'm not concerned with them telling her
As much as I am with them feeling uncomfortable about knowing
And not being able to tell her
All I know is this can't get back to her
It just can't
It'd be all over if it did
My mom would be like, "Be careful. I don't want another lawsuit." (That's a whole other story)
And I'd be like, "Nah it's okay. M's cool with it."
But look what happened with that
And I'm afraid that J won't know how to handle it
Just like M
And people say I obsess
This time, I don't think it's obsessing
I think it's true love this time
I really think I love J
But I can't let her know that
I don't wanna scare her away
God, if I had one shot,
It would make a difference
I could make her happy
I know I could
But I guess I just can't
I just can't stop thinking about it
What the hell am I supposed to do?
I'm scared to death right now
I guess that's the way my life was meant to be
It's always been that way
Fall for someone.
Get stabbed in the heart.
I've just been disillusioned
I thought I was safe
I thought I could make it happen
But that's me getting carried away
And it ***** that fate is an elegant, cold-hearted *****
And it doesn't matter how many times I go through this
It will always be J
Always and forever
My friends actually encouraged me to forget about everyone else
And focus on her
I did that
Sorta.
And I know I'm just some obnoxious kid
But I can be better than that
If I had a shot, I could show you
Just give me one chance
Please
God please
Maybe this is a punishment for everything I've done
I've been disillusioned and let down by so many people
If J and that guy get married,
I hope she doesn't invite me
Cause I'm not sure I'd be there to see it (If you catch my drift)
I can't live with hell
And again, I don't care what anyone says
It's my life
Let me live it the way I want to
Of course, this isn't the way I want my life to be,
But if I wanna fall for someone like this, I will
I just want to tell someone
Let it all spill out
It's just so devastating
I don't think I can ever be happy again
It's just like that
My whole world has come to an end
Right now, that guy has it all
He has it all in his hands
And I just can't stop thinking about how he's kissing her
And holding her hand
And has his arms around her
When all I'm thinking is, "That should be me."
Please don't turn into anything serious
She's gonna fall in love with him
I know it
And I'll be just another shadow in the crowd
J doesn't know it,
But she's everything to me
She's everything
And I'm sure along the line,
Some people will laugh at me
Some will feel sympathy
Some will say, "Get over it."
Some will say, "You never had a chance."
Some just won't care
Some will say, "Just move on."
God it's not that easy
You don't understand what I've been through
You don't know what it's like
You don't know how hard it is to just let it go that fast,
Especially with OCD
So until you've actually gone through it and understand it,
Don't tell me to move on
I've never had someone love me like that
Can someone just change their mind?
Please?
The sad thing is haven't actually cried yet
But eventually, my tears will build up inside of me
And I'll end up flooding myself
One chance is what I'm asking for
Is that too much to ask for?
Just one chance
I can prove everyone and everything wrong.
I guarantee I can
Please just trust me

I met my shadow today
Yes, I met her on the street
She happened to scare me half to death
My heart skipped a beat
We walked and talked all night long
About things that teenage girls do
We talked about drama, and things really crazy
If you could talk to your shadow, would you?

I will be the best that I can be
I want to be all that you need
I used to be afraid of letting it be
I let go of the sorrow that I really don't need
I've forgotten the past, everything I did
I remember wishing I didn't mess up like I did
I am another ordinary girl
I am another voice, speaking in the world

Today, my name is "can't make up my mind."
Tomorrow, my name will be, "never-ending sorrow."
Yesterday, my name was, "upset at the world."
Oh how I just can't wait for tomorrow

Aboard the boat
Above the blue
Across the sea
Along comes me and you
Among the waves
Around the corner
At sunset, you were what I was looking for
Before you give me your coat
Below the docks, whisper sincerely, "I love you."