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Ryan Gonzalez Dec 2016
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing"

When I think too much
the flashbacks come
my adventerous neurons
deep in my hippocampus
digging through like
macabre antique finders:

I hear shouting
insults glide towards me
like a puck
on a shuffle board
titled "Gaslight"

I see a raised palm
threatening to slap me
a slow moving computer
that needs to cool down

I hear her mock:
"Why don't you just leave?"
inarticulate in describing
the theft of my free-will
absolutely stuck like
a figure on a foosball table

The present catches me
and I hear again
"What's wrong?"

I want to say what's wrong
but that would take time

Would take gaining trust slowly
like filling up a bucket
from a faucet plugged  with rust

Would take breaking of
improperly healed fractures
before treatment can soothe me

Would take time spent crying
to release pressure, my body
like overinflated tires

Would take going to that
dark closet called abuse

Would take risking everything
and losing it all again
Ryan Gonzalez Oct 2016
Tension within my chest
like wearing a too-tight t-shirt
as my heart fights to escape

My body yearns to run
like a startled hare
to fly like a hummingbird
to fight like a hyena
to do anything to relax

My worries fly in my head
like hornets aiming for
my weakness and
my insecurities

Breathing tightens my chest more
trapping me in ****** quicksand

Journaling makes me more aware
of my heartbeat thumping
like a Shakespearean actor spouting
iambic pentameter in my core

I know all of this will fade
like the end of a scene in a play
but I can hardly wait, tears
standing at the ledge of my eyes
waiting to jump off the cliff
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
Calm
my thought process free
a busy jammed highway
now free in the night

Calm
a sore headache of relief
the pain of release
the cooldown of a workout

Calm
a disgusting room
finally cleaned
the stale smell gone

Calm
the last day at a job
the relief felt of leaving
the great and awful exiting

Calm
a creaky old door
wind coming underneath
but finally welded shut
locking monsters away

Calm
a leaf after the storm
pounded but nourished
left only with silence

I am finally calm
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
Cave of wonder
rooms filled
with bodies
from my past
outfits of mine
some too small
others, too big

A piano sits
playing slowly
Moonlight Sonata
like funeral marches,
flames froth forth
smoldering the wood
like a busy bug zapper

Books and Skinner's Box
glow in my hand, shining
a light flows under my feet
a mirror flashes me the exit


As I try to run
to escape from here
the cave goes black
and my head sinks low
I know I'm not escaping
Ryan Gonzalez Feb 2015
Lying in my bed
everything is dark
save one cell phone
the screen glowing
like dim blue luminol
sprayed on old blood

The room is packed
with various screams
desire from years ago
unchecked and ignored
an undiagnosed patient

My bed is a deserted oasis
circled by cardboard boxes
all filled with old skeletons
mangled and unidentifiable

My phone's battery dies
sudden like a faulty switch
forcing me to accept fate
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
Longing for someone
an unfitting feeling
like the math teacher
with a New York accent
teaching in Wisconsin

Waiting
for the baton to go down
so I can stop pretending
and let the anger free
the last note of an opera

Tuning out
like putting earbuds in
everything echoes through
but falls short from me
an incomplete pass
or a fumble

Moving on
infinite and torturous
an unending bootcamp
ending only in tears
and a reinforced spine
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
When the sun hides
the doubts arrive
playing hide and seek
talking behind my ear

Voices clang at pipes
crushing a plumber's work
I try to hide

Playing their game
the doubts find me
simply like a dachshund
searching for badgers

Brutality is enforced
my body beaten raw
like a bowl of dough

My head slaps the floor
as I fall, I see it
blue heels deep in mud
once a savior, now a doubt
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
I stare at my computer screen
hearts beating rapidly back
the stamping of feet at a stadium

Some hearts are glowing
filled with radium
some show a mass of white fat
too many years eating fast food
some are near death
flies soaring over a gray mass
anticipating the final thump

Occasionally I see healthy hearts
scrolling down my screen boldly
on a journey of self-experimentation

I let them breeze by on their voyage
careful to only pick the unfortunates
grabbing them from the screen
as if they were an apple on a shelf

I empty the heart of radium
letting the poison fill me instead
causing an earthquake in my head

I eat the white fat off the heart
feeling it travel down my esophagus
like a delayed release cyanide pill

I swat the flies off the gray mass
holding it to give my energy
my hair whitens and skin loosens

Collapsing with a loud crash
my face staring at the screen
holding tears back like rowdy children
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
I sit in my room
lights all dimmed
like a wounded man
waiting for the enemy

I hide under my bed
deep inside its lair
the boogeyman's home
provoking it to come

I hold my pillow tight
like it's a bomb code
telling myself to relax
to chill my reactor cores

As I sit, a door opens
my whole body clenches
like I have the flu

knocks at my door
rapid like a pistol
precise and unfeeling

The door swings open
wide like an elevator
and blackness comes in
filling me like a syringe
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
I wish I was a kid
decisions made for me
like a choose-your-adventure book
I didn't have to think
I was brain dead
like a stillborn

But then again
I don't miss it
I can think for myself
like a fast food patron
no one constantly calls me
no one questions my decisions
it's great
I miss being an adult
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
Loneliness
an edge piece
of a giant puzzle
stuck under the couch

Loneliness
the sixteen year old cat,
too old for happiness,
that has to be put down

Loneliness
that one friend
always canceling
like a tornado drill
becoming a false alarm

Loneliness
a filled room
everyone busy
checking phones
like they're waiting
waitng for orders

Loneliness
craving attention
like it's lemon juice
too sweet in large doses

Loneliness
a flask filled
unknown substance inside
risking life with a sip
like a game of blackjack
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
A top at maximum power
too fast to be seen
yet the sting so real
when it finally hits

a busted up supercomputer
the circuits connecting
even after being fixed
with only electrical tape

The pursuit of happiness
a hard but possible thing
it happens at some point
like climbing a mountain

the sweat and tears I spilled
fills the inside of a cave
but that's all in the past
a mirage, only an illusion

my body shakes vigorously
filled with all the energy
to get every task done

I know I can do this
I have no limits
my mistakes forgiven
like I have repentance

This is my time
and I will take it
I will find my happiness
I promise that to myself
Ryan Gonzalez Mar 2018
I was scared
to play guitar
and feel the strings
bite into my hands
first like paper cuts
until my fingers
morphed into marble

I was scared
to hear myself sing
and feel every imperfection
my ear telling me what was wrong
rather than soaking in
what was right
the flaws telling my story
of what keeps me up at night

I was scared
I didn’t have it in me
never stopping to think
what “it” was
that “it” isn’t just there
it’s built
like a ****** IKEA chair
its instructions unclear
my stubborn determination
the one thing keeping me going


Eventually we get a better chair
when it’s old, beaten, and thread-bare
and has earned its right to be replaced

And I’m scared this chair will break
before I can afford the next one
but until then
will you take a seat
and tell me what you think?
Ryan Gonzalez Mar 2018
Tonight the wind's so bitingly cold
and you hear the water
eroding the rocks
gently with time and patience
like the taming of a pet

You feel your body add
to the sound of it all
your heart beats
your blood pumps
like a drum circle that's in full swing and can't be stopped

A constant reminder;
despite it all
you're still surviving
despite all the pain, all the scars
you are here and you are thriving

You see the beautiful moon
this giant night light in the center of the sky
and you stand and can't help but think:

Thank these stars shimmering so brightly
like millions of brand new light bulbs
that I'm alive to see this night
Ryan Gonzalez Aug 2017
I keep running, pretending
like I’m playing hard to get
so you won’t see the scars
so you won’t ask,
“who did this?”

So I don’t have to show you
how the scars still hurt
how some haven’t – and may not
heal quite right

sometimes at night, I can’t help
but notice the scars flare
like a busted open glow stick
and I can’t help, but to cry

So I don’t ***** up pain
only to have someone else
walk out like dad’s dad did
because
“it’s too much”
“I’m damaged goods”
“you should be over it”

Beat-up puppies feel love
even if it’s scared at first
or uncertain, or confused
they just need more time

But maybe this wall
translucent like frosted glass
will never come down

Or maybe, if this wall tumbles
will you please come in
and see who’s behind it?
Ryan Gonzalez Feb 2015
Quiet tension
sounds ceased in class
except for the dull hum
of angered electronics

Secret tension
that angry face
glaring at me
inside the mirror

Quiet tension
a silent alarm
the bank robbed
all the loot taken

Secret Tension
a voodoo doll
put to its rest
the face removed
finally inactive

Secrets
all made public
a facebook post
told by alcohol

Secrets turning
to known facts
like the spies
found in their homes

The game changer
the fear inducer
the noise bringer

The tension is gone
leaving pain instead
and it is here to stay
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
Screaming out of a dream
tears drying on my face
screaming at a brick wall
that was once a bomb shelter

The gunfire still in my ears
of words spoken months ago
empty shells on the ground
now no power left in them

Old paintings behind my bed
abandoned and yellowed memories
unchanging like food rations

I get out of my bed quickly
escaping from the visions
a reaching hand, saving me
from falling off a chair

I run to my door and grab
the handle being a lever
for the overflowing boiler

As I exit the room anxious
like an auditioning actor
I feel the sun greet me
that's when I know
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
Walking outside
cold on my face
like a lover's lips
before the breakup

A strand lilting
hair red as dusk
I grab it carefully
an exposed vein
a corroded artery
lying in my hand

A hand grips me
sending an image
of dogs fighting
fighting for food
while a tiger waits
unseen and forgotten

I look down and see it
faint and legible
words on a dusty mirror
the leaking heart
this time bandaged
and that's when I smile
Ryan Gonzalez Mar 2018
Why do I get such anxiety
when I compare myself
My only real goal’s to live life
so why can’t I just be?

I don’t need lots of money
it’s all gone when we die
I don’t need a nice car
it rusts in the end
And I don’t need a mansion
it’s just empty rooms with empty beds
So why can’t I see what I own
and be content

I mean look at the beauty of my life
I have a roof to sleep under at night
I have food to keep my stomach from strife
I have family to call on the phone
I have them close by when I need my home from home

So to hell with more money
to hell with luxury goods
to hell with these billboards
of how life can be “truly good”

But

Only if you have the right brands
of toothpaste, clothes, food, and jams
Only if you have the newest car
shipped straight from Japan
Only if you have a home
straight out of a Better Homes & Gardens ad

But

We buy these brands
and rage when we find
they bring no self-discovery
Only more **** to hide
with the rest of our crap
that we thought would leave us
satisfied

I’ll let you have your things
and struggle with the fake happy in them you hope to find
And I’ll sit here with my few things
and sigh the sigh
of a simple life
Ryan Gonzalez Feb 2017
When I look at the stars
I get lost in them

I stand in awe at Orion's belt
the reflection off his buckle
blinding me for a moment

I sit in the little dipper
a child of the Milky Way
playing in its kitchen

I see the joys of parenting
in Ursa Major nursing her cub
Ursa Minor, reminding me
of my own family

I wander the skies
North Star my tour guide,
leading me back to my bed
tucking me in like my parents once did
with a tender kiss on the forehead

My eyes slowly close
meteors showering over me
their blanket sprinkling dust
like sleeping powder

I had fun tonight
but I must now sleep
I promise I'll be back
to go stargazing once again
Ryan Gonzalez Dec 2016
It's hard to see
people growing in pain
like plants among thorns

Like the girl
who had running as
her drug of choice
cuts on her shoulders
trying to release her pain

The boy
who talked with his body
his freshmen year spent
sleeping to avoid
emptiness

The girl
with cat eye makeup 24/7
who tried to drown herself
an effort to escape
her maze of self-criticism

The boy
smiling as he talked
despite scars on his wrist;
a nearly permanent solution

The girl
semicolon on her ankle
asking me each morning:
"Why can't I die?"

I remember them all
the stories they gave me
the pain they confided in me
storing it in someone else
like a rusty file cabinet
in an abandoned room
Ryan Gonzalez Mar 2015
I wish we were strangers
unknown to each other
like a pair of betta fish
separated for their safety

I still feel that old sorrow
like an ancient wine
fermented past shelf life
too moldy for anyone

That smile is poisonous
worms nestled in a snail
controlling all thought
to be eaten by the birds

Talons barely miss my skin
glazing over my neck softly
my only femme fatale

I sit quietly in my bed at night
reliving her reluctant death
her betrayal deep in my eyes
leaving her only with regrets
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
Sun rays fill me
like a gas can
fueling my body
before the fumes catch fire

Seething scarlet spreads
venomous centipedes
tearing at my flesh
planting eggs in my back

At night the worms hatch
burrowing through tissue
like a rusty saw through bone
Spiders scratch
their legs like cheese graters
removing my skin

Finally the bugs leave
like the end of mass
leaving an ineffective husk
that can only be used

as a scarecrow
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
The past will continue
a rabbit on a race track
for starving packs of dogs
forced to run for the meal
that will never come

The rabbit sneers back
its gray coat glistening
a meteor before it strikes
leaving nothing but evolution
to its own devices

Circles are made repeatedly
for years and centuries
in this eternal struggle
the dogs will never catch it
just as a highly focused author
fails to create a perfect novel
Ryan Gonzalez Feb 2018
I’m starting to realize
What this all means
Right as it may be time
For you to leave

And

I’ll try to understand if it is
Even if it hurts
Even if I can’t stop crying, quietly,
So no one sees how much it aches,
So you can have the remembrance
You’d deserve
Even if it breaks me in two, no,
Three thousand pieces

But

If there’s anything I can do,
I will do it.

I wasn’t there when you were younger
But I hope you understand
The thunder I had to confront
From within this mind

If you need a part of me, ask
I will give just as Adam did
To create Eve, to give life, in this


Uncertain time
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
I see her
black hair, whitening
like chalk on my hands
eyes gouged out
leaving sockets
round as a pill-bug

I hear her whisper
raucous like pipes
too small to hold steam
she wants me to live
like a hermit

She's followed for years
a faithful housekeeper
she needs to be fired

My sleep has been fried
rattling clocks on walls
too loud for me to sleep

Her exorcism is coming
like a warm milk bottle
she can't stay here
it's time to go
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
In class I hear kids
whispers here and there
sounds like rustling pages

the teacher drones
in a nasally nature
like a fly’s beating wings
two students listen
while most sleep

I imagine running away
finding an island
living on my own
with nothing around
but a coconut tree

And at the edge of my eye
through the window
transparent like a portal
I see a train floating in the sky
Ryan Gonzalez Apr 2015
If I met her today
would I be ready?

Would we walk past that fence
chain-linked where I first saw her
checkerboard shadows on her face?

Would we go to the cornfields
and play hide-and-go-seek
chirping like lab rats?

Would she rub her nose against mine
and kiss me, feeling my stubble
sharp like quills on a hedgehog?

Would she hug me at a funeral
church bells swaying slowly
like a Foucault pendulum?

Would I rub her back, listening
the river in her voice sighing,
"My personal therapy man"

Would I whisper of her beauty
holding her as I feel her life
pulsing like a symphony orchestra?

Have I imagined it?
Does she even exist?
Would we even be possible?
Ryan Gonzalez Jan 2015
When I see silent weeping
I see the young boy
standing on his bed
staring three stories down
a sea of masks below
nails in the eye of each

I see the young boy's eyes
filled with red minefields
countless hours worked
countless hours abused
treated like an old computer

When I feel emotions fly
eyes like a vinyl record
I see the girl and boy
her words flying outward
a scourge of hornets
stinging the boy everywhere

I see the girl and her jar
with sorrows of others
used for baiting with lies
the tears inside for herself
to imitate crying and invoke pity

I too have a jar of tears
a jar of my own tears
from nights spent alone
living through abuse again
making the memory smaller
like it was a lanced boil

My tears become medicine
mixed hope and obstinacy
given freely from me
to provide comfort

For those once alone

— The End —