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Ryan Gonzalez Mar 2018
Tonight the wind's so bitingly cold
and you hear the water
eroding the rocks
gently with time and patience
like the taming of a pet

You feel your body add
to the sound of it all
your heart beats
your blood pumps
like a drum circle that's in full swing and can't be stopped

A constant reminder;
despite it all
you're still surviving
despite all the pain, all the scars
you are here and you are thriving

You see the beautiful moon
this giant night light in the center of the sky
and you stand and can't help but think:

Thank these stars shimmering so brightly
like millions of brand new light bulbs
that I'm alive to see this night
Ryan Gonzalez Mar 2018
Why do I get such anxiety
when I compare myself
My only real goal’s to live life
so why can’t I just be?

I don’t need lots of money
it’s all gone when we die
I don’t need a nice car
it rusts in the end
And I don’t need a mansion
it’s just empty rooms with empty beds
So why can’t I see what I own
and be content

I mean look at the beauty of my life
I have a roof to sleep under at night
I have food to keep my stomach from strife
I have family to call on the phone
I have them close by when I need my home from home

So to hell with more money
to hell with luxury goods
to hell with these billboards
of how life can be “truly good”


Only if you have the right brands
of toothpaste, clothes, food, and jams
Only if you have the newest car
shipped straight from Japan
Only if you have a home
straight out of a Better Homes & Gardens ad


We buy these brands
and rage when we find
they bring no self-discovery
Only more **** to hide
with the rest of our crap
that we thought would leave us

I’ll let you have your things
and struggle with the fake happy in them you hope to find
And I’ll sit here with my few things
and sigh the sigh
of a simple life
Ryan Gonzalez Mar 2018
I was scared
to play guitar
and feel the strings
bite into my hands
first like paper cuts
until my fingers
morphed into marble

I was scared
to hear myself sing
and feel every imperfection
my ear telling me what was wrong
rather than soaking in
what was right
the flaws telling my story
of what keeps me up at night

I was scared
I didn’t have it in me
never stopping to think
what “it” was
that “it” isn’t just there
it’s built
like a ****** IKEA chair
its instructions unclear
my stubborn determination
the one thing keeping me going

Eventually we get a better chair
when it’s old, beaten, and thread-bare
and has earned its right to be replaced

And I’m scared this chair will break
before I can afford the next one
but until then
will you take a seat
and tell me what you think?
Ryan Gonzalez Feb 2018
I’m starting to realize
What this all means
Right as it may be time
For you to leave


I’ll try to understand if it is
Even if it hurts
Even if I can’t stop crying, quietly,
So no one sees how much it aches,
So you can have the remembrance
You’d deserve
Even if it breaks me in two, no,
Three thousand pieces


If there’s anything I can do,
I will do it.

I wasn’t there when you were younger
But I hope you understand
The thunder I had to confront
From within this mind

If you need a part of me, ask
I will give just as Adam did
To create Eve, to give life, in this

Uncertain time
Ryan Gonzalez Aug 2017
I keep running, pretending
like I’m playing hard to get
so you won’t see the scars
so you won’t ask,
“who did this?”

So I don’t have to show you
how the scars still hurt
how some haven’t – and may not
heal quite right

sometimes at night, I can’t help
but notice the scars flare
like a busted open glow stick
and I can’t help, but to cry

So I don’t ***** up pain
only to have someone else
walk out like dad’s dad did
“it’s too much”
“I’m damaged goods”
“you should be over it”

Beat-up puppies feel love
even if it’s scared at first
or uncertain, or confused
they just need more time

But maybe this wall
translucent like frosted glass
will never come down

Or maybe, if this wall tumbles
will you please come in
and see who’s behind it?
Ryan Gonzalez Feb 2017
When I look at the stars
I get lost in them

I stand in awe at Orion's belt
the reflection off his buckle
blinding me for a moment

I sit in the little dipper
a child of the Milky Way
playing in its kitchen

I see the joys of parenting
in Ursa Major nursing her cub
Ursa Minor, reminding me
of my own family

I wander the skies
North Star my tour guide,
leading me back to my bed
tucking me in like my parents once did
with a tender kiss on the forehead

My eyes slowly close
meteors showering over me
their blanket sprinkling dust
like sleeping powder

I had fun tonight
but I must now sleep
I promise I'll be back
to go stargazing once again
Ryan Gonzalez Dec 2016
"What's wrong?"

When I think too much
the flashbacks come
my adventerous neurons
deep in my hippocampus
digging through like
macabre antique finders:

I hear shouting
insults glide towards me
like a puck
on a shuffle board
titled "Gaslight"

I see a raised palm
threatening to slap me
a slow moving computer
that needs to cool down

I hear her mock:
"Why don't you just leave?"
inarticulate in describing
the theft of my free-will
absolutely stuck like
a figure on a foosball table

The present catches me
and I hear again
"What's wrong?"

I want to say what's wrong
but that would take time

Would take gaining trust slowly
like filling up a bucket
from a faucet plugged  with rust

Would take breaking of
improperly healed fractures
before treatment can soothe me

Would take time spent crying
to release pressure, my body
like overinflated tires

Would take going to that
dark closet called abuse

Would take risking everything
and losing it all again
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