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Rachel White Feb 2017
My mother always warned me about the boys whose palms were made of calluses,
And whose hearts held a shield of armor so thick that even the brightest flames couldn’t weaken it.
She always told me that they would string you along and make you feel so full of love and brightness,
That you would become blinded to the truth of what they felt within their heads.
Even though I listened to her, I still found myself trapped by boys who saw my heart and my sexuality as the same thing.
I still wound myself tight around the boys who made my bed smell like ***** and ****,
And I caressed them in the same way mothers do with their children.
But every time I found myself broken again, my mother would tell me to scrub my skin raw and wash away every part of these boys that I let near me.
I had to wash my mouth out with soap every time I let their name slip from my lips, as if it were the dirtiest of curses.
She said I needed to burn every memory of them; literally and figuratively.
I needed to let flames grasp up towards their pictures,
And erase all the messages they sent with hearts and smiles.
My mother told me that she wouldn’t be upset if these boys dragged me in,
Because she had been there too;
Chasing the boys who thought they were men because they had cigarettes dangling from their lips.
She told me that everyone learns from their past lovers how to detoxify their bodies once they leave.
It’s not with water and cucumber mixtures or baths made of roses,
It’s with fists clenched as tears stream down our faces,
It’s with our voices screaming and our hearts beating strong.
When we are broken from these boys, whose mouths are filled with sut,
My mother told me, we fight to build ourselves back up.
We do not suffocate on their weaknesses which they blamed on us.
Rachel White Feb 2017
I hate you because you made me feel so full even when I was starving.
I hate you because my bed smells like you and no matter what I can’t get that ******* smell out of my sheets.
I hate you because I don’t want to lose your ******* scent but I can’t sleep now.
I hate you because there isn't a thing in my room that hasn't felt your hands against it.
I hate you because there isn't a part of my body that hasn't felt the warmth of you.
I hate you because I left my window open for you and it's February.
I hate you because I watched that stupid movie and all I could think about was how passionate and caring you were.
I hate you because you made my twin mattress feel like the most comfortable and spacious bed in the world.
I hate you because the only time I ever got the sleep I needed was when I had you to lay on.
I hate you because you were honest from the beginning about what you wanted and I still ******* fell onto my face with feelings for you.
I hate you because I just want you to make it better but you're the reason I can’t stop ******* crying.
I hate you because I stopped writing.
I hate you because I thought it would be different.
I hate you because I don’t think I could ever actually hate you.
I hate you.
Rachel White Feb 2017
What does heart break mean,
When you don't want to let yourself feel?
Does the emptiness in your chest scare you?
Are you worried it means you're not alive?
Did he take away your ability to scream with tears
When he left without words?
Or do you think he turned your voice into a whisper so he could strengthen his into a howl?
What does it mean when there's an ache in your bones?
When you can feel everything while feeling nothing?
How do you stop the tremors that reverberate within you,
When you tried so hard not to let them begin?
Where do you think you went wrong when all the air left your lungs?
Did the cry that expelled itself from your body surprise you?
What does heart break mean
When you didn't want to admit he broke you to begin with?
Rachel White Jan 2017
When they see the scars for the first time,
Don’t expect them to understand.
Those white lines that trace across your thighs are not a symbol that means anything to them.
They are not a release,
They are not an opening where pain can scream its way out of your body with blood.
Don’t expect them to look at you with love or admiration,
Because the first time they see those scars all they will see is mental insanity.
There are so few people on the planet who understand the inner workings of a blade that’s been dragged across skin,
So few people who know that being addicted to a silver razor is a real thing.
When you try to explain to them why your body is like a freshly trampled battlefield,
They won’t want to hold you close and try to make the wounds fade,
But they probably will anyways.
They won’t understand why you have to give them your x-acto knife and extra blades that you bought for a class,
They won’t understand why you can’t just keep them in your room.
The first time they find the scars that you thought were so well hidden,
They might break inside,
Their heart may shatter and for a second they may feel everything at once.
Don’t let their shock and fear pull at you;
When they see those scars, let them know how intimate a moment they’ve just experienced.
Open yourself up to them the way you did with the blade,
Let them hold onto your hand as you trace each thin slice with your finger and describe how hard it is to not do it again.
When they see your scars, that’s when you are an open book.
Let them read you slowly or quickly,
Help them turn every page and explain the paragraphs that they missed when they lost track of the words.
Don’t let them become another reason to retreat back to your old wounds and new scabs.
Have been busy with school, will try to post as often as I can
Rachel White Jan 2017
I never wanted to be a statistic that was plastered onto a wall and screamed,
“Every 1 in 4 teens experiences some form of depression!”
It just ran in my family.
So, of the three children that my parents had,
One of us was bound to grab onto the DNA strand that had ‘mental illness’ etched onto it in the form of a pill.
It was the luck of the draw and I was the one sentenced to life in a hell that my own brain created.
Rachel White Jan 2017
There's something special about falling for a boy who's leaving.
By knowing he'll be gone,
You'll take your time to memorize the shape of his face and the way it changes with his mood.
You'll study his sleeping body as he rolls away and then back into you,
And you'll look at his bare chest in a way that you didn't get the chance to before.
You'll feel every inch of his body against you and you'll dream of his lips lingering on yours.
By knowing that he is going to be thousands of miles away,
You'll be able to laugh with him as you tell him all the things he has to do for you,
Like trying an authentic Italian cannoli and describing the taste of every sip of wine he'll take.
You have the chance to let his voice reverberate within you,
And you'll hear him laugh from his stomach and love every second of it.
By falling for a boy who's leaving, you get to experience little things that wouldn't go noticed otherwise.
You'll get to see how his eyes change when he tells you about his family,
And you'll watch how his entire body softens when he talks about how loved he is,
Even though he doesn't necessarily see it.
You'll find that writing poems about him is easier than writing about the boys you've known your entire life,
And it's probably because you didn't have all that time to learn about him.
Falling for a boy who's leaving is special because it'll make you realize all the things that you didn't think were important before.
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