Funny how we woke up in the morning
and pretended that tomorrow never happened—
strutted naked in mirrors celebrating our youth,
laughing, knowing suns and moons couldn’t do the same.

We borrowed our arms from the fridge
and peddled bicycles with bad breath—
trading war stories ‘cause we knew
if we came back alive
life would still be the death of us.

Frustrated.
With myself, or you?
You’re content without me
And that’s not fair
Because I’m not content without you.
One way channels of affection should not exist
The world is out of balance
How can you be right for me, and me not right for you?
When will my own chemical orientations be reciprocated?
I couldn’t be more sure of you.
Sure that you fill a void in me no one else can touch.
But when I speak to you, confide in you--
When I anticipate a mutually appreciated interaction,
And you don’t speak—don’t show—don’t need—
Well, I find myself here.
Rolling on in these ruts, unwanted, with love unrequited.
Frustrated, but not with you.
Because not caring is no crime,
And life is yours to live.
So live on, love, and I will rust.

The moorings creak,
The gales roll by;
I'm Davy Jones,
I cannot die.

The waves beat down,
The crew is gone;
My heart beats on,
My heart beats on.

Holes in the sails
Are stories told,
Of battles lost,
And wounds grown cold.

Bound to the helm,
I'm cursed to roam;
The sea is home,
The sea is home.

The way he touched me
when we first got serious
was much different from how
he touched me at the end
of it all.

His hands used to be soft
and his eyes drank in
every curve of my body,
every freckle of my skin.
He would look up at me like
I was a new adventure,
and I knew that this whole
night of romance was for me-
he wanted me to really feel
how much he cherished me.

I miss those days
immensely.

At the end his hands were
much more rough,
his eyes averted mine.
He couldn't see me as a treasure-
I was just flesh under his own.
It became all about his lust,
his desperateness to feel something real.

And that night that held
a surprise showing of
grins and grimaces and
a couple almost-kisses,
it felt like home.
I am terrified to remember
that night because
I realized something:
His fingers grazed my skin
like they did
in the beginning,
he looked at me like I was new.

It's terrifying because
the only thing holding me together
is knowing that the boy I love
is nothing like the boy I left.
And now that I caught that glimpse,
and now that I know he's
exactly the same as he used to be,
my head is spinning and
my heart spasms in pain.
I was wrong and there are no words
to describe how sad that makes me.

But I made the choice
to walk away from the confusion
for enough time to realize
that I'm okay with being alone.

And even if I were to find someone new,
I would always feel like I was cheating,
like anything I could ever feel
for someone else
would be a lie.
And even if I were to be with him again,
I would feel like I was doing him
a disservice,
like even if I was loving him,
I still wouldn't be genuine enough
to make him feel loved.
I will always and forever feel like
I am cheating on the man I love.

And that's the price I will pay
for the immense disservice
I have already paid him.

Fourteen hours total, I spent in that car,
but  twas the motive that drove me, so it didn't seem far.
I hope the impression I left, was above all her dreams,
cause my heart seemed to melt, like a spring de-thawed stream.

Though I still know, that I have so much to do,
in regards of my life, and general attitude.
But I loved what I saw, there is no denying,
so my hearts for the taking, its all I'm supplying.

And I'm scared more than ever, that I'll be left hurt
as  all of my feelings become one with the dirt.
While I wait in my sorrow, I try hard to relate,
but I can't for some reason, so maybe its fate.
Though I do know, that I cannot blame her,
her life is her own, I am nobody's savior.

And this bad feeling I have, is about to come real,
her heart is something that I wont be able to steal.
How did we go from, "I want you a lot",
to, "its not gonna work", (that is all that I got).

So I'll ponder once more at what will never be,
the southern girl left before she even knew me.
But I'll give her one thing, and that it could have been worse,
cause maybe a relationship would have left my heart in a hearse.

She did what she did, and just soon enough.
But I still wish that we could have tried to been tough.
Her worry and fear went along with her silence,
the lack of her words left me with an altered conscience.

I Can’t Find My Glasses - Care Givers Prayers

I can’’t find my glasses?
Okay little one
just wait for a sec
till the dishes are done

I can’’t find my glasses?
Okay ***, lets look
perhaps in the bedroom
While reading your book

I can’’t find my glasses?
Now where could they be?
On the couch, or the table
On top the TV?

I can’’t find my glasses?
It’’s fine now , don’’t fret
You’’ve just now misplaced them
We oft times forget.

I can’’t find my glasses?
Prap’’s here, in this room
Don’’t cry now my darling
We’’ll locate them soon.

I can’’t find my glasses?
Here give me a hug.
Don’’t cry and don’’t fret now.
You cute little bug.

I can’’t find my glasses?
What’’s this that I feel.
Your pockets the culprit
See what is revealed.

My glasses! You’’ve found them!
Her smile’’s just a beam.
Her joy is unbound less.
Her panic serene.

She skips to the bedroom
To fuss and to play.
"I can’’t find my glasses"
The third time. Today.  

Dedicated to my wife a young grandmother with alzhieimers.

Justa Civileon 2004

I'll *******,
If you want.
Cause I want it
Just as bad as you do.
But I also want to hear the rustle of the sheets
When you turn over in the middle of the night.
I want to feel your hot breath on my neck.
I want the stubble on your chin to graze my cheek
As you kiss me gently on the forehead.
And when I whisper "goodnight," you don't have to reply.
Just nudge me with your knee
Or poke me with your elbow.