you’re the one I’d always be drawn to.

no one shines brighter;
nobody else even shines in comparison.

your green glitter eyes twinkle more brilliantly than the glitter I paint on my face every morning.
I just want to glow like you do— your freckles the most dazzling constellations.
I trace them with my fingers
connect the sunspots and feel the
soft moonshine of your skin
touch your lips and breathe in
the warm sunshine of your smile

I saw that smile and I knew my life would never be the same

knew I would never be the same

one look at that dazzling joyful beautiful face, and how could your world not tilt on its axis right then and there?
once you’ve felt that touch, the warmth that lingers and never goes away,
the warmth that spreads through your whole body
that ray of light that wakes you up
enlightens your soul
shares its glow with you
from the inside out
until you glow too
once you’ve tasted that sweet song
everyone else’s world gets just a little brighter too.


i’d choose you every time.

i didn’t mean to hit it
it was just so red and so right there
my fingers itched to feel the crimson face
so then
without knowing what it meant
i touched it

“sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior”
no me

everything swirling and spinning
i don’t know where i am
someone please
i just need
it all
to
stop
.

chills, cold flashes
i can smile but i don’t know if it’s convincing
i just want to fix it
undo it
i didn’t mean to press it
i didn’t know
i didn’t

i think I’m drowning but I’m fine? everything feels bad but i’m still standing? i think I’m angry but is that even possible? so then I just feel bad
why does everything have to be confused
i just want to start over please

I don’t want to be taken care of.
I don’t want to not own my life
have someone else give me what I need

I want to be sufficient on my own
Be my own
Live for my own

I want to want from no one
No one to disappoint
And none to disappoint me
Let my hopes and expectations rise
Only to watch them fall time and time again
Get shot out of the sky

Just a little bird
Just trying to fly
No thought of dangers around
Yet always without fail
Yanked back down to the ground

If I could care less
I wouldn’t care
I could feel as much as I want to when it’s convenient
Because when it’s not
It hurts
I hurt
It makes me cry
And I don’t like to cry
Not because of other people, at least
If I cry, let it be my fault
Not because I’m weak
I let other people make me weak
I care too much
It hurts more when I don’t have control
I want to cry because of me
It hurts when I’m so weak that I break down because of somebody else


And I always will


I want to not get attached
Because the attachment always seems to get severed
And that hurts
I always get left
I get left just as soon as I attach
So maybe the solution is to not attach
But I don’t think that’s possible for me
I don’t think I’m capable of that
So instead
I’ll always get sad



I’ll always get feeling stuck
I’m mad
I need other people to make me feel better
But then I feel bad
It’s not their problem
But I need so much support
Why isn’t that okay?
They’re okay with it
Why can’t I let it be okay?

It’s because I feel like I can’t handle anything

I thought it would be worse with you here
I can’t make your sound stop when you control it
but when you’re not here you come from the middle of my brain instead

when you talk from outside of me i can block it out
plug my ears and stop hearing

but when you only exist inside my head there’s no way to silence you

the things only human eyes can see

the faint every-color-yet-no-color glow
masking the sky
there is no clock in my room but there’s
one somewhere out here
buried in the ground maybe where I left
all my feelings to dig up on accident
another day

I thought there would be stars out but
they’re asleep already
I thought everyone was asleep by now
but that is never true
I wonder if they’re happy
the people rumbling past in their black
jeeps
or taking the freeway just for driving
nowhere

I wonder if they’ve ever gone outside in
the middle of the night because
everything frozen suddenly overheats
and then the freeze turns physical and
everything stops again
but they can’t help but wonder about
the next time it’ll thaw
unexpectedly
because that’s how feelings are
you think they’re gone, and they are
for the most part
but even if only a shell of something is
left
shells hurt to walk on barefoot
and I’m always barefoot
except right now
I put socks on because I knew it would
be cold
.
everything out here is quiet
muted
there’s still sound
and I’m still shivering, but from the cold
now instead of from the heat
and everything is numbed
except it’s not
it’s the opposite of numbing
it’s poking and prodding at the parts of
me that were asleep
and here, as tired as I was, I feel more
awake than ever before
and the ground is getting warmer
it’s because of my body heat but I want
to believe the earth is welcoming me

it’s pure life

it’s so fresh and new
even though it still seems like
everything is dead
but it’s the fourth month
so everything is really starting a new life
we’re a little behind because of the
lack of oxygen up here against this
mountain
but we can start a
New Life
no matter how late in the season
it’s 2:05 AM according to my dimmed
screen

I wish there wasn’t a screen
I wish we could hold everything with
our hands
touch it and feel it and truly know it
but everything is suppressed
like dipping a finger in a fish tank
and wanting more than anything to pick
up a golden shimmering life
and just feel it
but knowing that fish aren’t meant to be
held by human hands
just looked at by human eyes
but looking isn’t enough
human eyes are meant to see
see things that other eyes cannot see
but who looks at a fish and really sees it


it’s 2:09 AM but in my mind I picture the
sun
waiting
just for a little longer
it knows I’m not ready for another day
yet
I want it to be cold and fresh and clean

as long as it takes for my frozen limbs to
thaw out later
I’m wishing the cold to stay
it’s cozier when the warmth comes from
within
totally self sufficient
and yet unseparated from anything
surrounding
it’s not just
surrounding
it’s

threading its needle through me
shards of air puncturing holes in
my lungs
blades of grass poking up through my
ribcage
growing through my melted heart
I can’t decide what temperature to keep
it at
do I freeze it? a heart at 32 degrees? or
so motionless, maybe it’s at 0 kelvin
or should it be set on fire until it burns
black
neither option seems entirely healthy
so I think I’ll just stay here
in my blanket
shivering but never warmer
not thinking about anything but
obviously
thinking too much about everything

I get lost in my brain
I don’t even know what it looks like in
there
I would get lost if I went too deep
I might accidentally trip and unplug the
icebox my heart is kept in
would it melt or just go bad?
//
frozen fingers stretched out too long
I need a gentle touch
someone to tell these eyes they need to
close
they deserve to close
I haven’t taken care of them
they see as human eyes see
everything but not enough all at once
overloaded but unstimulated

but we choose to see

the world holds too much
sometimes the right choice is to stop
looking and just feel

it’s 2:22 AM
if the sun was my friend it would nap a
little longer behind the mountain
but it just does its job
I am glad
I need another day
a
New Life
I’m not a tree
but maybe I can bloom late with them
I can grow pink ruby blossoms
and they’ll open when they feel the sun
on their faces
their petals will open
and something beautiful will appear

or maybe just drop to the ground

but whatever happens
it’s me
and all this happens because I see the
beauty in the gray-no-color sky
with my eyes that see only how my eyes
can

perfectly

I think I will go inside now
my heart is warm now
I can stand the heat now
and I can stand the cold
but I would prefer to be warm now
I can rest my eyes
and get ready for another day
my New Life


.

you deserve the world, the stars, and all the heavens
the countless planets, and the love in every heart
and yet, seemingly unknowing, you fill each hole with your own love
your smile like moonshine
your laugh like stardust
and soon, we feel as if we deserve the same.