I wish I could say
I wasn't obsessed
but my life is too old to be mine
wither and worn, each day feels
like I've already lived it
years and years ago

this body of mine
like a shell made of wire
a sheet of remiss
over indifferent bliss

I can notice the blood
running from his lips
he was biting his tongue
for the silent dismiss

I'm ready to put you to sleep,
to close the casket and send you far down.
I'm feeling the effects of a love deeply lost
and my body rejects it.
I'm over the sadness that binds me together
and holds my head underwater.
As vibrantly as my heart beats for you,
and as obvious as the message of the stars,
as hopeful as you made me in times of hurt,
and as heated as the tears you cried for me,
so is the love I let float.
I'm over the hill, in clothes of my own,
in a head occupied by nothing but selfishness -
the good kind -
the kind of selfishness that makes you eager to wake up and create, to experiment, to learn and to live.
The mirror beckons me, hiding the knife in my back, and the scars on my body, and the gleam in my eye that was so delicately placed by you.
It shows me a glimpse of who I could become.
More powerful than your hold.
More loving than a lie.
More impactful than the dead-end dreams that glittered my life before.
More motivated than the girl who spent months alone, barely sober, chained to a passerby -
Too lost to respect herself.
In a sea, she was a floating flower,
Too high to feel anything.
And the more I learn, the more afraid I become for that naive girl who fell victim to a fantasy.
The devil may fly with angelic wings, but he will never catch me.

secret refrigerator passageways leading, through narrow crawls, into over-sized bedrooms for children.. with fluffy walls.

to think of an artful life never reaching its full potential.

in my youth, I reminisced about the life I led years prior.
now, I reminisce about my youth.

days pass. mind blurs. thresholds disappear and my hometown now feels like a distant dream.

breath looms in an airless space

the possible trace of us

i spin in whirling cycles, trying not to let my thoughts overtake me / wishing the sadness could last a little longer / trying to sleep.

it has been so long since i have experienced debilitating pain

even when his whispers linger in threatening taunts
even when i forget my own name

let this happiness be eternal
like an elixir of life, fueling
like i always used to feel
where did the misery come from?

romantic projections. idealizing self-harm. keeping balloons here with me, on the ground, instead of letting them float away. i am not who i always was. i stagger and side-step on tops of beams of certainties. keep things too close to me. document every feeling. hold on to the pain. nurture the sadness

i am getting quite bored now, goodbye