breath looms in an airless space

the possible trace of us

i spin in whirling cycles, trying not to let my thoughts overtake me / wishing the sadness could last a little longer / trying to sleep.

it has been so long since i have experienced debilitating pain

even when his whispers linger in threatening taunts
even when i forget my own name

let this happiness be eternal
like an elixir of life, fueling
like i always used to feel
where did the misery come from?

romantic projections. idealizing self-harm. keeping balloons here with me, on the ground, instead of letting them float away. i am not who i always was. i stagger and side-step on tops of beams of certainties. keep things too close to me. document every feeling. hold on to the pain. nurture the sadness

i am getting quite bored now, goodbye

secret refrigerator passageways leading, through narrow crawls, into over-sized bedrooms for children.. with fluffy walls.

to think of an artful life never reaching its full potential.

in my youth, I reminisced about the life I led years prior.
now, I reminisce about my youth.

days pass. mind blurs. thresholds disappear and my hometown now feels like a distant dream.

in this water, nothing flows.
around these parts, the shallow winds carry traces of me.

i don't want to stay behind. it's too cold back here, by myself.
i don't want to wait up. it's late and i am growing more tired by the passing minute.

behind these walls, boxes of memories i have hidden from you.
maybe i hid them from myself. either way, let's not look.

like a cup of coffee, still too hot to take a sip,
like a familiar song playing in an unfamiliar place,
like when they make an unexpected concession for you
just because they knew you'd be pleasantly surprised. full.  
it feels... well, you know.

i will come back here for you
even if the sea disappears
i'll find you there in the dream-scape

he once said
in chair swivel dizzies
that this world was made for me
and that i wear it well

star-glittered floor
glitter-glimmers in setting cement
maintaining illusions
weighing the full commitment
current-whirling eyes
refrain. continue diffracting. sleep in soft beds. study. rescind.

you have really gone and done it, now.
is this not what you wanted?
am i not who you molded me into?
there i am, in the reflection of your bed frame.
there you are, sitting on your bed.
here we are, studying each other.
rescinding into our separate... rash follies.
our derangements match on a similar-but-different level.

cheers, together, we ruined lives
care if i take a seat?
i try so HARD to break from the HABITS THAT RUIN ME!
where do they go when i expel them?
into the air, to float up to space? do the aliens bite the insides of their cheeks, too?
or into the sea, so the critters & corals can get high, like I used to?
maybe they will crawl into the ears of my neighbors, so Tab can have "The Rug" stuck in her head all day, too.

well, well, well. here we are, in this space, together.
on the one hand, but oh... oh, on the other hand.
sign out. do me a favor, reversing your trail.
who am i to judge?
who am I to wonder.

fast asleep, you are, my love.
oh, how i wish i was sleeping next to you.
cradled in your bear's embrace.

i'll be here waiting when you fall down.

right where I am supposed to be
aligned. in communication with the non-physical
connected from the heart
I am POUNDING ALOUD. SCREAMING OUT.
I'm overcome, and made still.
I'm filled, and overflowed.

reflections of street lamps on the water


the tangled seaweed below this wooden dock


I am comfortable with the distance...


but under the surface, I am lightly holding out for you

Keeping careful distance, I uphold the illusion of safety
Sleeping Monster
Capable of Destruction
Prone to Obsession
Let us close this window of opportunity
Even so, there is no hope for my own distractions
I've mastered the Indulgence of You
Each button pressed
Each obsessive dive
You immerse. You crack. You crumble.
I can't always expect people to be as delusional as I am
Normal Mask
Explaining would seem redundant
But let's discover your more vapid, swanky, decaying quirks
I'll use them to write stories about you