it's not gonna go right,
so soak it in.
i need this for one night,
and it's cold in here.
the warmth of your eyes
they're breaking me in.
all i've got is just one night,
now the dawn's coming in.
too bright, like heaven
it's bleeding into our bed
and i'm drifting away.
are you in heaven lover?
i need you, i know.
have you melted yet lover?
into my soul.
you're sweet like no other,
these feelings unknown.
days and days under the covers
feed our burning souls.
the dawn has bled into this bed,
and i'm drifting....i've got to go.
swept away, these waves of yours.
neither of us remain, we aren't sure.
i know you want this, more and more.
so let me leave now, i'm out the door.

and i will give him what's mine,


in his eyes there is a cure
to all the troubles in this world.
we walk humbly every night
seeing no one in our path.
with an effort to feel
the pairs of eyes staring at our backs.
there's a body burning underneath our
skin, any feeling of order is fading away.

on the outside, nobody'd ever known he was unhappy.
he had his mother's eyes, soft and blue,
reminded me of babies for some reason.
he used to pop in every now and then to give me the news,
gossip he'd heard at school that day,
the what-not.
i was real sick at the time, mama had to keep me hidden away sometimes,
ya know, i think she was a little ashamed seeing how it was a little her fault.
i didn't blame her for nothin' though.
anyways, he came and went as he pleased, nice boy he was.
used to wrap me up in a blanket and wheel me onto the porch so we could watch
the cars and the rich folk with dogs jog right on by, like they ain't never seen a girl with no hair
and a boy as handsome as he was.
we was a regular spectacle, a bonafide freak show,
and them people they always gonna talk, but he told me that the only people that listen are
the ones doin' the talkin', and that ain't us, so we ain't listenin'.
i didn't find out about his daddy until about a month after it happened,
for some reason people have a hard time telling someone who's dying that somebody died,
can you believe that?
he stopped comin' around so much after that, figured it was 'cause a his mama (with the eyes)
needin' extra help round the house.
weeks, maybe even a month went by 'fore i saw him again,
but he wasn't the same boy, and i sure as hell wasn't the same girl.
he looked at me, with them eyes, as if he'd just lost the lottery.
ya know, he sat me down and told me that he couldn't be around me no more,
seeing as how i was dyin' and all. ( i thought that was pretty dumb, i may be dyin' but i ain't dead yet)
he held my hand in his, his was a little clammy, i think 'cause he was so sad and all.
we sat there for a few minutes, hand in hand, thinkin' bout life and death, and the johnny carson show.
now, he never said nothin', but i think he loved me. i never got to find out the truth though.
he disappeared after that day, nobody heard from him, his mama was all outta sorts.
i think he left town, couldn't stand seein' people lookin' at him and me all the time,
the bonafide freakshow,
couldn't stand bein' round his broken mama.
doesn't really matter where he went off to, he was gone just the same.
some days, when im sittin' on the porch, wrapped up in a blanket, waiting to die,
i feel his clammy hand holdin' mine.
you see, when you don't have much left to live for,
it's people like him that save you.

i hear my father's cries through the walls that once protected me,
and it's the darkest side of my heart that dies when he looks at me.
it's the coldest hour in the eyes of a man who can't believe,
that the softest sigh of his wife has left him on his knees.
he said ''if you leave me i'll die'', and she walked away,
and the tide of life recedes but for one more day.
"when i die, when i die"
fly, fly goes the air through my mothers lungs,
while my father lies on the ground
left to die like a dog in an empty pound.
and i sit alone behind these walls of mine,
listening to my father's dream die tonight.
and it's the darkest side of my eyes that cry
when he calls my name.
with a subtle tone of shame,
and an obvious sound of pain,
when he calls my name.
it's not the violence, crimes, or emptiness
that saddens me,
like the sound of a voice that's lost the fight for eternity.
and i imagine dying on my bedroom floor,
would she come back just once more,
and cradle me in her loving arms?
it was the darkest time in my life,
when my mother left me.
i still hear my father's cries through the lies that
surround me,
much like the walls that once protected me.
but if you find me, face down, muddy in the water
"when i die, when i die"
then i've lost the fight.
and i turned out just like my father.

Jesus came to my birthday party when i was 17.
He listened and laughed and smirked a bit
at the holes and scars in my dreams.
He wore a black hat, and jeans, and chains;
he said heaven was not what it seemed.
That angels and devils were one and the same,
and them plus me makes three.
He said nobody knows what's really the matter,
so just keep on pretending to be
what God and teachers and mothers and fathers
all expect from a girl of 17.

That was a long time ago,
and i haven't seen him in a while.
He smokes on occassion, but not for fun,
and says he was innocent and should have had a trial.
But he's dead and so am i so what's even the use,
of remembering a birthday that never existed:
i'll plead insanity as my excuse.

she says it's unfair,
she says that bad things happen to good people,
she says that as each day passes
she dies a little more inside.
she doesn't remember telling me these things,
ya know she wouldn't never tell nobody
if it wasn't for the drink in her hand.
i know i'm not supposed to hear these things,
but i quietly listen.
i don't have no words for her,
on the count of i ain't never experienced nothing like that.
i have a feeling she wouldn't want my words anyhow.

she says that people are always tryin' to tell her
that she gonna be okay.
she knows she's not.
it's unfair that they all gon' lie to her like that.
she don't want my sympathy she says,
but lord i can't help but feel it for her.

there's things in life that just don't make sense,
i say.
but i don't know much about anything,
so i just make eyes like someone who knows
a lot about everything,
but i don't say much else.

she looked at me,
took a swig a her whiskey sour,
and told me that when i can look at the world
through eyes that see
and not watch
then maybe someday she'll tell me a thing or two
about life not makin' sense.

we were peeing on the side of my house,
too drunk to wait for a bathroom,
laughing about something I cant remember.
(I think it was goat cheese)
and as the headlights from that **** car nearly blinded us,
you surprised me.
you held me close.
you told me you weren’t ready to lose me,
and that you loved me...not friend love, real love.
(you were slurring your words at this point,
but since i have been waiting a year to hear this,
i’ll take it)
and as tears thick with salt, relief, and regret
rolled down my cheeks,
you kissed me.


then the car honked,
and you ran toward it,
tripped,
and threw up.

god, i love you.