AS I RECALL YOUR EYES ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL IVE EVER SEEN BUT I COULDNT MAKE MYSELF LOOK AT YOU LONG ENOUGH NOR COULD I REMEMBER YOU WELL ENOUGH TO DESCRIBE THEM NOW

i want to fall in love again but i dont want new and exciting i want i exactly like the first time. i want to fall in love with the same hands and cheekbones and jawline and i want to fall in love while tracing the same veins on the same forearms and i wouldnt mind falling in love in my parents living room watching basketball even though i hate it. id like to fall in love baking in your parents kitchen too and stealing kisses when no ones looking. but i think i really fell in love laying in my own bed with you and if it hadnt been for that maybe i wouldnt want to fall in love again at all but it happened and it was all so real for me. but if we did it all again could we skip the end because i know what happened after we fell asleep in my room and i know how i laid in the same sheets and cried the next night and almost every night for the past two months. and if i fell in love again, could i not do it alone?

it started with goodnights seeming too much like goodbye and now i cant even remember the last goodnight but everything is screaming goodbye but even with every sign and signal i still probably wont get a real goodbye and just thinking about you leaving hurts but you leaving without a single word seems so so much worse

I PROBABLY SKIP FAR MORE MEALS THAN I SHOULD AND SPEND MORE TIME SLEEPING THAN MOST PEOPLE. I CRY TOO OFTEN AND TOO HARD AND FOR FAR TOO LONG. I FIND MYSELF WAKING UP COUNTLESS TIMES THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT OR NOT SLEEPING AT ALL. I BURY MYSELF IN BOOKS WITH STORIES OF TEENAGERS WHOSE LIVES I WOULD TRADE FOR MY OWN. I LET BOYS BREAK MY HEART AND I LET MYSELF BE BROKEN DOWN BY GIRLS WITH PRETTIER EYES AND HAIR AND FACES AND BODIES. I DONT WEIGH MYSELF IN FEAR THAT I MIGHT STOP EATING ALTOGETHER AGAIN AND I LAY ENOUGH MAKEUP ON MY FACE EACH MORNING TO BE COMPLIMENTED ON MY LOOKS. I AM A GIRL WHO WILL PROBABLY ALWAYS NEED REASSURANCE BUT WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE ABLE TO KEEP SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO GIVE IT. I AM FULL OF SELF LOATHING AND I ENCOURAGE EVERYONE TO BE NOTHING LIKE ME. (r.r)

you said you loved the sea
so i drained it from the deep end
you told me you loved summer
so i froze it with a cold heat
you said you loved flowers
so i drenched them with **** killer
you told me you loved me
so i left and drew defeat

the world didnt stop spinning
it seemed awfully close
men got away with ******
i left my heart with someones ghost
did you question your sanity as i did mine
or cut your veins, inhale fine lines
i ate less and  feared more
2013, another closed door