Accepting Ugliness
No disguise
Looking straight into your eyes
Mirror face
What do you see?
Is your reflection really me?

The man whom I shall love,
Who will he be?
I don't know yet
I may have met him already
I may have not
I am still young
I have time to find him
And he find me

The man whom I shall love
Will have a heart so large
It radiates outside of his body
A welcoming aura
Friendly
Loving
Kind
He will welcome me each day with a smile
He will not need to speak to tell me he loves me
He will hold me and cherish me
And love me so much he cannot help but smile

The man whom I shall love
Will have a spirit
Of courage
Compassion
Wisdom
And leadership
He will guide my decisions when I am confused
He will strengthen me when I am weak
He will let my cry into his shoulder and then wipe the tears from my eyes
He will help me solve problems and questions
He will protect me and fight with me when we are challenged

The man whom I shall love
Will have a smile of joy
A smile that spreads wide across his face
A smile that expresses what he feels and his thoughts
His smile will warm me
He will cause me to smile
We will smile together

The man whom I shall love
Will have a laugh
A laugh that can be loud
Echoing over the hills with happiness
A laugh that can be as quiet as a bubbling creek
A laugh that will roar like a waterfall
A laugh that will whisper like a summer breeze
A laugh that will spread to everyone around him
A laugh that will make me laugh
A laugh that is caused by mine

The man whom I shall love
Will have a mind of strength
A mind that can be counted on
He will have discernment
Truthfulness
Respect
Honor
Thoughtfulness
He will share his opinions and dreams with me
I will be able to confide in him safely
His ideas will be full of animation
Excitement
And passion
His mind will never be boring

The man whom I shall love
Will have strong hands
That are firm but gentle
Tough but soft
That work hard
And are honest
His hands will be generous
Kindness will flow from them
But he will also use them to fight
If someone threatens him

The man whom I shall love
Will have a voice unlike any other
A voice that can be deep and reassuring
That can be humorous and happy
That can be silent when it needs to be
That can sing and soar upon the wind
We'll sing together
Laugh together
Cry together
And be silent together

The man whom I shall love
Will be a man of God
Who will be faithful and loyal
He will have a heart for those Lost
Willing to sacrifice anything
Even his life
Together we'll pray and seek God
Together we'll read the bible and deeply discuss it
Together we will serve and love for our entire lives

The man whom I shall love
Will be very special indeed
He is the only man
That could care so deeply for me

Maybe I do believe in love.
It's just my jealousy blinds me.
My passion has no one to love and everyone to envy.
My heart confuses me,
My mind sobers me,
A thin balance that is easily tipped either way.
Tipped towards my heart,
I fly upwards into pink skies
With fluffy white clouds and sunshine.
I love and feel loved.
I wonder if anyone likes me.
Maybe he likes me, maybe he doesn't.
That thought bursts my bubble,
And down I fall to the dirt,
Crying and bleeding.
I lie there until I can get back up and keep walking on the road called Life.
Tipped towards my mind,
I crawl into the caves,
Soothing darkness,
A balm to my hot head,
Silence and solitude to really think deeply.
I marvel at the glittering gems underground,
Gems of thoughts and wise quotes,
Ideas and dreams.
Then my ruby heart cracks
And my sapphire eyes cry diamond tears,
Falling on the stone floor,
Each one precious.
I feel lost,
Forgotten,
Nothing more than fools gold.
That thought causes me to fall into the deepest darkest catacomb,
A trench so deep I can hardly breath.
Now without wisdom or ideas,
Only pain,
I lie and wait until my strength returns,
enough to climb out of my pit and into the blinding sunlight.

With the perfect balanced life between my heart and mind,
I can climb mountains to touch the pink clouds,
And explore caves without falling down.

I fall down into the caves more than I fly to the sky.
I can't decide which hurts more though.

I do believe in love.
I believe in love in stories and fairy tales.
I believe love is possible in real life,
But not for me.
Love is like a wax and feathered wings-
They help you fly,
But if you fly too close to glory,
Like Icarus you will fall and die.
Your heart will burn and melt,
Then drown in tears until you forget the pain.
I don't want to die.
Again.

Woke up early
5:35
The sun not up
The birds asleep
Lingering nightmares
Cold horror hands
Gripping my head
Clenching my thoughts

They slip away
Weakening with the sun rising
It's a new day
A day looked forward to

Rushed breakfast
Fear I'm late
Fast shower
Packing decorations
Makeup painting
Hair brushing

Leaving the house
9:20
Picking up friends
Mom dropping us off
Greeting more people
Taking pictures
Together
All smiles
And laughter

Being with my friends
Driving around
To visit lonely people

The first woman
An invalid
Talking
Laughing
Joy
Smiles

We leave
Then lunch
Under the trees
Sandwiches
Delicious
Sun

On our way to another
Getting lost
Stupid GPS
Laughing
Joking
Talking
Sharing stories
Waiting for directions

Arriving
For a lonely woman
Who's husband of 66 years
Recently died
Depression
But happiness in us
Helping out
Planting
Weeding
Tending her flowers
Who keep her company
Thankfulness and appreciation
Cookies and water for love.

We must go
And go back to our group
We decorate tables
Themed ours
"Gifts from the Sea"
"Mermaid Dream"
Pearls and paper flowers
All blue and white
Shells and jars of sand
Clear glass pebbles
Blue table cloth
Beauty

Next is cooking
We each have our jobs
I make cookies
Ginger chocolate chip
The batter is good
Then help with the pizzas.

Chilling out for an hour
Talking and hanging
Waiting for our food

Time to eat
We approach the tables
8 different pizzas
All made by hand
By us
A salad bar as well
Sweet tea
We eat

Afterwards each team speaks
Team #3 speaks of cleaning
We Team #2 share our adventures
Team #1 share a play and experiences
In babysitting children

Speeches are made
A plaque presented
Tears of surprise

Cookies are brought out
The cookies I made
They are delicious

Games are then played
I win one
Then it's time to say goodbye
To all my one week friends

Late at night
11 pm
I sit and think
Of all that happened
And smile in memory

He calls me humble
Thanks me for it
Ha! If he knew
He wouldn't have said it

I'm not humble
I'm actually far from it
I beat myself up
To hide each secret

I lay low only to survive
I'm always alone in the night
No one can see me there
I avoid all light

If he knew of the endless dark
That my heart is always in
Touched sometimes by the sun
Only to die again within

He wouldn't call me humble
He'd think me a freak
Psycopathic tendencies
A secret violent streak

I delight in pain- I love to bleed
I get high when I'm cutting
I desire and I want more
I call it window shutting

Yes if he knew he'd be gone
Without even a single goodbye
I wouldn't even be surprised
Because people leave me all the time

He calls me humble, who the hell is he
This man who is blind to me
A teacher who doesn't even know
He obviously cannot see

And he will never know the secrets
He will never know my mind
This warped sociopathic addicted mess
From experience I know well how to hide

I am glad he doesn't know
I am glad he cannot discern
I am glad I only see him once a year
And his friendship never earn

And after I am free to fly
And spread my broken wings
I will never see him or anyone else again
There will be less people to hurt- only me.

Robot girl made of tin
Owns no heart
To break apart
Robot girl made of tin

Robot girl made of tin
Has no emotions to feel
No hurting to heal
Robot girl made of tin

Robot girl made of tin
No reason to live
No desire to give
Robot girl made of tin

Robot girl made of tin
No reason to die
No secrets to hide
Robot girl made of tin

Robot girl made of tin
Sees the sky
Doesn't care to fly
Robot girl made of tin

Robot girl made of tin
Doesn't work
Habitual irk
Robot girl made of tin

Robot girl made of tin
No power to gain
No desire for fame
Robot girl made of tin

Robot girl made of tin
Never thinks deep
Or promises keep
Robot girl made of tin

Boy Scouts
I admire them
But I can't look them in the eye
Maybe it's their uniforms
Or their presence
Or their honorable character
Or maybe it's just because they are boys

When I look away from people
I feel like I'm hiding
I feel safer that way

But when I'm around boys
Even looking down reveals too much
My body is large
My hair a disgrace
And don't even get me started on MY character
Or lack of character

Boy Scouts
I think they are good boys
Growing into good men
But I won't let myself associate with them
I'm not worthy to be around them
Sure they might like being around me
But they are too good of character to be around me
I'm a mess
They are organized
I'm fat
They are healthy
I'm lazy
They are disciplined
I'm bad company for them
I'll just ruin their reputation
I'm not worthy to be their friend
There are better girls than me
I think I'll run away
Disappear
They won't notice
Except that the darkness is gone

There are better girls for them
Who encourage their courageous lives
Girls who are good company
Not girls who want to hide
Girls who are light and beauty
Feminine and fair faced

What am I? An ugly bag
Better off taken out with the trash
Because that's what I am
I reek of bad habits and insecurity
I am so unhealthy
Lost in the dark
The darkness though is me
I need to run and hide
No one will find me
No one will miss me

They'll be better off without
This  bruised soul in a horrid body
Her heart cracking under stress
Like glass that's worn out

Just smash me already
Break my heart into pieces
Let the shards splinter my body
Carve the bad out of me
Let me bleed
Let be bleed
Cut off the evil inside
Destroy the darkness

I'm so ugly
Inside and out
Everyone's blind
To the real me

Boy Scouts
I admire them
Like the friends
I want to have
But can't afford
Because friendships end
People leave
All the time
Sure they might remember me
Lying in the dust
However my heart will be dead by then
They won't even recognize me

Boy Scout
One of my friends I trusted
He has better friends than me
I think I'll leave him
It will be better for the both of us
Because I fail all the time
I'm not dependable
I'm ugly
He deserves better
Better friends than me

I know
You think I'm corrupt
Just for small things I love doing
That you don't enjoy

I know
You think my morals are low
Just because I like certain clothes
That you consider offensive

I know
You believe I have problems
Only because you hold me to standards I cannot achieve
I cannot be your perfect daughter

I know
You think I'm rebellious
Just because I make my own paths
Making my own road to travel

I know
You are worried about me
You worry that I will regret my life
Be hurt

Well,
I will be hurt
I already have been
I regret a lot
And I will regret later on

But I'd rather live a painful life
Full of regret and hurt
Than one of safety
Inside the castle walls
Protected forever
Untouched
Unscathed
Bored
Useless

I'd rather live outside the palace walls
Than in them
I'd rather explore the world
Than stay at home
I'd rather move all the time
Than stay in one place

I'd rather be seen as a Rebel
Outlaw wandering the world
Loner in a crowd of strangers
Than be seen as a Princess
Stay at home Daughter
Someone waiting for her prince to pick her up

I know
That's the life you want for me
Boring
Princess dream
Girly
Sweet
Pretty

But I already said before:
I make my own road to travel
Even if I'm all alone for a while
It is worth it to me
No Regrets
No Worries
Hakuna Matata

To a friend of mine
A teacher
Someone I look up to

I look forward to seeing you
For one week every year
I admire you

I love being around you
Not in a creepy way
You're a friend

Your personality
Friendliness
Laughter
Joy
Happiness
Smiles
Excitement­
Quietness
Seriousness
Leadership
Passion for music
Love for God

I look up to you

The most beautiful woman of Oz,
The Good Witch.
Dark brown eyes full of innocence,
A mind naiive,
Lips that smile sweetly.

Oh Theodora,
That you should become the Wicked Witch of the West.

He didn't love you
He never did
He was a player
And fooled you
Your innocent heart
How it broke
The childish nature
Maturing with each tear

You said you'd be his queen
Give your life to him in service
Happy to do anything for him
But he ran before you had a chance

He ran and found Glinda
Glinda the Pretty Once
Father's Daughter
The Wise Witch
Creamy milk skin,
Pink cheeks,
Fair eyes
Blond hair,
How could you compete with her charms?
There was no winning the Wizard's heart now.
All hope was lost
Your dream crushed
The tears fell
Burning scars into your cheeks.

Oh Theodora.
If only you hadn't been so naiive.
Your sister Evanora is the real Wicked Witch
If only you had seen it.

She offered you an apple
Grown in hell
Poisoned with jealousy
Sweetened with hatred
She promised it would change your life forever
Change your heart
Make it impenetrable to everyone
She did not lie
And you believed

You bit into the apple
And suddenly everything was clear
Evanora lied to you for years
Glinda was the Good Witch
And you were dying.

Your heart saw clearly as it dissolved in you,
Theodora.
All that was good and innocent,
Kind and caring,
Withered and shrunk.

You became the Wicked Witch of the West,
Cruelty at its best
And jealousy at its worst
Oz betrayed you
And you wanted him to die
Along with everyone else

It's all over for you Theodora.
Oz believed there was still good inside you
That could come out someday.
He understood that he had caused you to become this
That Evanora's magic had worked on you.
You denied him.
You shouted never.
Whatever was good left was destroyed in that moment.

Theodora the Good, we mourn you.
Theodora the Wicked Witch, fear us.
You will be defeated someday.

Love is an inconvenience
Love isn't worth my time
Kissing is a sad exchange
When words will do just fine

Friendship is a better option
Who needs a bride or groom?
Companionship I'll have forever
No marriage for me anytime soon

I think I'd rather have a thousand friends
Than just one promised with a ring
That way if I hurt someone
I can run away and still be free

Love is tarnished love is worthless
Not even worth a small dime
All that I'll get is a broken heart
It happens all the time

I thought for maybe a fleeting day that I liked you.
I knew it would never work.
You and me.
Me and you.
It's just not possible.
I'm nothing compared to you.

Your talent flies to the stars above,
While I sit on the grass at night and gaze in wonder.
Your passion for life shines like the sun,
While I dance in the warm light laughing with joy.

I do not love you, or even like you more than I show.
It's the thought of you that makes me smile.
It's the thought of you that makes me wonder how you are doing each day.
It's the thought of you- nothing more- that makes me want to be your friend.

I hero worship you.
I need to stop.
You are human like me.
Nothing more.
And you should be nothing more.
You are my brother that I look up to,
That I secretly admire from afar.
I am a small child in need of guidance,
A lost heart searching for a close friend,
But you cannot be that person.
You have your friends,
And I mine.
Even if we meet tomorrow,
We'll be friendly but nothing more.

Admitting I hero worship you is uncomfortable.
Convicting myself for being weak enough to do so hurts.
Convincing myself love is not an option for me is a battle.
Punishing myself for liking someone is unbearable.

I cannot love.
I must not love.
I am not capable of love.
And if I do love,
I would be better off dead than with a broken heart.
It already is fragile as glass and as worthless as fools gold from the first time I liked someone.
Again, it was the thought of him,
Hero worship.
I barely survived that.

I must never love again.

My body shakes from adrenaline
Trying to rid the memories but
Reliving each moment in 3D
Crying and screaming in horror inside.

I don't even want to remember
I don't want to write it down
But it's the only way to get it out
To bring this Nightmare to light

The first thing I saw in my dream
Was my pale pink walls stained with blood
Splattered up to the ceiling beside by bed
Someone had been murdered there

I ran away in fright from this hell
This hell of a lucid dream
I ran the hell out of my house
And ran into a worse hell than my room

Public showers at a public pool
One showerhead a flamethrower
One showerhead boiling acid
Their victims lying there dead

Beside the pool were two lovers
A man and woman locked in a kiss
Frozen dead pale and stiff
The woman held a knife in his back

I ran away screaming only to come face to face
With the family who did all this
A psychopathic group set out to ****
And I was next on their hit list

I ran and ran and ran and ran
Running until I was out of breath
I kept running though my body failed me
I collapsed on the ground and died of heart failure

So that is my dream in a nutshell
Described as plainly as I can
Details avoided the horror unexplained
Nothing can be worse than this

My Nightmare of a Century
The Dream that tested my strength
Tested my bravery
My will power

I may not go to sleep again tonight
I may need to write to let it go
I may need to eat for comfort
And drown my mind in music and schoolwork

It doesn't make me less strong
It doesn't make me weak
It's just how I push through these times
When the Dawn comes I'll sing with joy

Thank you God for being here for me
When no one was online on Facebook
To talk to, to ask for prayer, to reach out to
Thank you for being 24/7/365 --I hate being alone.

Maybe I shouldn't speak my mind
Maybe I shouldn't let words out of my heart
Maybe I should be silent and frozen in time
Maybe I should wear an prisoner's mark

Maybe I should cut out my tongue
Maybe I should rip out my vocal chords
Maybe I should avoid everything fun
Maybe I should step aside people hoards

Maybe I should stab my ears
Maybe I should eject my eyes
Maybe I should plug up my tears
Maybe I should ignore how time flies

Maybe I should forget my loves
Maybe I should avoid my kin
Maybe I should forget what comes
From being a prisoner deep within

But I shouldn't. I wouldn't be punishing only myself. Others would hurt too, because

They would see me
They would hear me
They would touch me
They would speak of me
They would cry for me
They would still love me

And I'd never respond.

In this state of emotional mind
Of course I cannot see that
All I see is the my own hate
Breathing it and feeling it

I am human
Nothing better
Let go of my anger
Escape the fetter

When I'm like this
I need to stop and think
When my head is clear and cloudless
After taking a watery drink

Then I'll see past the emotions
And into the possible future
I'm at a cross road every day
I'd rather not be someone's butcher

I can take this path
And make everyone else hurt more
Or I can take a different way
Even though my heart is sore

I want to be in pain
It's what I know I deserve
But by thrusting myself onto the sword
I wouldn't ever live, I'd burn

It's a lie to say no one else will care
Its not true, it's not true
While you stand inside your flames
They watch you suffer through

Imagine their pain and see if it compares

I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore
A glance from the corner of my eye is all I need
To know that I'm ugly.

I know what's there in the reflection
My hair thinning from my scratching habit
The scalp showing through pale and white
My mouth's corners bent downwards into creases
My patchy eyebrows that are uneven
My eyes that sit so far into my skull I have a permanent raccoon mask

My double chin thick and hard
My broad neck and invisible collar bones
My large but flat chest and gigantic belly
My large thighs tapering into tiny feet

My arms so full of fat they jiggle
My thin ***** hands with wads of fat on each finger
My oversized backside with rolls of fat layered on each other
The pimple scars little dots all over

I'm ugly

I guess that's me

Tonight was lovely my dear
You did very well
Your heart sang with joy
Your smile widened
Your confidence grew
You were not fighting

You were whole
You were happy
You were guiltless
You weren't shy
You didn't hurt
You didn't remember
You didn't blush
You weren't embarrassed

You found the right words to say
Your violin sang with all you had
You said your goodbyes with joy
Sorrow didn't pierce your heart

Joy of confidence
Heart of soul
Mind of laughter

You'll never forget this night of success
Where you didn't want to cut at all
Starve or hit or feel angry
Or hate yourself

You didn't worry tonight
You were surrounded by happiness
You didn't feel like an outcast
You felt like you were one
One of many
Many make a body
And a body make a voice together
Singing joy
Spreading smiles

Remember this night my dear
Remember when you feel down
Remember when you are discouraged
Remember when you hurt
Look at the pictures
Let the memories fall
Like raindrops on your head
Cleaning your mind
Freshening your spirit

Lay down the blade
Uncurl your fist
Open the fridge
Remember tonight
Lay your head on your pillow
Curl up in your blanket
Relive the sights of people swarming around you
The smells of rosin and wood
The taste of cherry cough drops
The smile upon your face
Your friends and teachers smiling with you

You'll miss them so much
Your heart will rend apart
Blood will flow
Uncried tears thicken
Swallowing sobs
Remembering

It doesn't matter if you don't see them again
What matters is how much you think about them

Maybe you'll meet again
Maybe you won't
Remember this
You're never alone

Pretty for a fleeting glance
Frozen in a camera still
Light so perfect it covers up
Every flaw and scar

Smile so big it hides the truth
The truth of struggles endured
Hair blowing softly in the wind
Framing a perfect poker face

Hand on hip in confident stance
Behind cowers a failing heart
Bright and happy attitude
No one knows the game you play

The cards are drawn the deck is cut
The betting chips in place
Now or never read your clues
What risks will you take?

I think I may die tonight
I don't think I will get this through
The blood is dripping from my sheets
My hands are turning blue

I sewed together the scabby ends
Of my wounds with searing pain
I clenched my teeth and closed my eyes
And felt my salt tears fall like rain

My pillow is a rock under my neck
My breathing shallow and fast
I cannot feel my legs or feet
Is it midnight? no, it's past

There is no window to distract
I cannot see anything anyway
My pupils enlarged to blackened spheres
There is no blue left from yesterday

A chill settles on my bones
I cannot move but I can feel
Freezing fingers climbing up my bed
The terror I sense is real

The spider legs of nightmares grab
And stab me everywhere
Inserting their thick needle feet
Into my wounds so bare

My feet are gone- detached from me
My legs are numb as well
My torso going colder as
My mind catches fire- what hell!

The pounding of my failing heart
Fills my nearly deafened ears
My hair is pulled out strand by strand
My burial is getting near

I can see my gravestone in my mind
An arching roundish one
Graven deeply in the rock words read
The psalm of my life done

"A teenager-no more than 17
Was taken by death today
Fate saw this child's time was up
And bid the Reaper come her way"

Well the Reaper came and cut her off
From this world of hate
He wrapped her up in his black silk
And delivered her up to Fate

Fate looked down and saw a girl
Of beauty far supreme
Death usually withers the face
But this smile glowed and gleamed

Fate leaned forward taking in
The girl who smiled so wide
It was not natural for happiness to last
But her future Fate must decide

Fate looked at her servant Reaper
Young and still in his prime
A lonely fellow who longed for nothing more
Except a friend he could keep for all time

Fate stepped down and pulled back his hood
And took in his handsome face
He wasn't the scary reaper you
See represented in that Earthly place

His hair was black as ravens wing
His eyes as blue as summer sky
His skin pale as winter snow
His Phoenix wings stretched out to fly

Fate looked at the girl
She was a beauty indeed
It must come from a heart of gold
A kind heart aged 17

The girl's smile was wide as the Milky Way
Her eyes shone like the sun on the moon
Her hair flowed like a curling waterfall
Her cheeks were roses in bloom

Fate nodded and gave the Reaper
The hand of the beautiful teen

Then all the visions faded fast
As I woke up from my dream

Men stare
Boys blink
Am I as ugly
As I think?

Please tell me I am
Please tell me I'm right
It would make more sense
I'm not beautiful tonight

Someone agree
Show me the truth
Get me a mirror
Not a flattering booth

Show me my face
What it really is
Point out my faults
Numerous as sins

Burn me to ashes
Rip me apart
Sever my soul
From my body depart

My body is horrid
A whirlpool diseased
Flesh turned sick
Infection fills me

Save me from myself
I hate what I've become
My body is a temporary trap
Save my soul and let's be done

No more rolls of fat
No more discontent
No more wandering aching thoughts
No more dreams broken and bent

No more sleepless nights
No more plugged up tears
No more feeling too large to live
No more fighting fears

No more wondering
If I'll succeed somehow my way
No more empty promises
That I'll loose weight someday

Men grimace
Boys glare
Girls gawk
It's only fair

I'm an image
Nothing more
A projection
Shallow to the core

I may have a mind
I may have a heart
I'm only a thought
A piece of art

Not even expensive
Nothing worthy to hang
Not priceless or pretty
I'm just a worldly shame

Why does this happen?
I hate it.

How I can go outside and see my friends,
Laugh and talk like a human being,
And then when I get home,
I am a cornered animal that feels starved for something she can't even hope to get.

My friends don't know.
They don't know how when I come home,
Loneliness hits me like a ton of bricks,
And I sink into it like quicksand,
And I suffocate until I find my blade and distract myself.

I write the truth out on my legs in ink,
Each adjective true.
Fat
Loveless
Lost
Fearful
Broken
Lonely

And more.

I wrap my arm in toilet paper and tape it so it stays through the night.
It will keep my shirt from staining and showing what I've become.

I hate being alone. But it's what I deserve.

Today I forgot to practice
My parents noticed
They told me
I should have practiced and
Not have made cards
Thank you cards for
My beloved teachers
Whom I love so much
But I can't tell them
With my voice

I went into my room
Ran and closed the door
Felt the guilt heave in me
I want to throw up on the floor

I want to cut myself
Hurt myself
Avoid the light of day
Never go back to my beloved string camp
Not tomorrow or any day

I feel ashamed for forgetting
I feel horrible and weak
I feel like nothing more
Than an ugly freak

Someone with no talent
Or physical beauty
Or a voice to describe this guilt

I know this guilt is unnecessary
But why do I feel it in me?
I haven't killed anyone
Or done anything agains the law

I just sacrificed some time
To make these lovely cards
Or are they even beautiful?
It was my sacrifice to make
Please don't rub it in
It already hurts
Anyway the day isn't over
Which is why I'm here with
My violin
My best friend
Who never talks but sings

I pick up my violin
And go through several songs
My back hurts
I've already played for 4 hours today
At camp
But when I'm done
The guilt is still there
It won't let go

Why

Why

Why

I think I will lie down for a while,
Curled up in my soft fuzzy blanket.
I think I will daydream and think,
About the prince Id like be friends with,
Our story together.
We'd face difficulties for sure,
Hard times that would make us cry.
We'd fight battles mental and physical,
Win some and lose some.
It's life.
We'd remain loyal to each other forever,
Never parting and always loving,
Sure we'd argue and fight,
But then come to our senses and apologize.

My prince is a pauper, a common man
I don't require riches or a kingdom from him.
All I want is a hard worker, a great thinker,
A strong fighter, and a kind friend.
Someone who will pick me up when I fall,
Dust me off,
And invite me to try again, and again, and again.
He won't fight battles for me but he'll fight beside me,
He'll lead me when I'm low on confidence,
He'll protect me if I am in harms way,
He'll correct me if I do something idiotic,
And will laugh if I do something hilarious by accident.
He'll watch the stars and moon with me,
He'll dance with me in the car when the radio blasts,
He'll hike rough hidden forest trails and climb mountains with me.
He'll sing with me and laugh with me and make my heart swell with joy,
But when sadness comes like it always does,
We'll hold to each other and cry together.

My prince will be a humble man,
A king though he won't know it,
His subjects every heart he's won,
His kingdom the streets he walks on.

I think I shall lie down a while,
And think a lot about him,
I am no sleeping beauty though-
He'll find me awake and working.

She's running,
Running,
Running away,
Away from love,
Love coming her way

She's hiding,
Hiding,
Hiding from sight
From everyone's eyes
Shaking from fright

She's crying,
Crying,
Crying alone,
Pushing away,
Away from home

She's cutting,
Cutting,
Cutting her skin,
Hurting herself,
She cannot win

She's beating,
Beating,
Beating her flesh,
Bruises appearing,
Purple and fresh

She's pulling,
Pulling,
Pulling away,
Away from him,
She won't stay

She's running,
Running,
Running to death,
She wants to give up,
But she won't yet

One wrong word
Is a knife to my skin
An angry response
Brings self hatred
Tears falling from
Hurting you
Yelling at you
Hating myself with each moment

Blood
My blood
Flows from wounds
Brings me satisfaction
Beings me restfulness
Punishment for my anger
Blades against my skin
The hatred fades
To justification

Gauze
Tape
To hide the punishment
The blood
Healing begins

My little secret
My blood sacrifice
Burns inside me
I will not tell them
They will not know
Anytime soon
I will not worry them
They do not need pain

I deserve it
For my anger
My hatred
My mistakes

I don't care if other people
Make mistakes at me
They don't cut themselves for it
Or do they?
I don't know
I won't ask

I hope someday
My anger will dissipate
I will be able to love
Instead of hating myself
I hate the bleeding
I hate the cuts
I hate the scars

Some day I will break out
Of this cycle
I will be able and free
To be MYSELF
Not the "perfect" daughter
Friend or companion
No one will ask me to be perfect
And if they do
I won't care a bit
I can't be perfect

I want to be free
My anger holds me down
Break it
Break the anger
Set me free

Quiet.
It's a funny thing.
The thing we want most,
And what we never want to have a lot of.
Quiet.
It clears the mind,
Cleans the heart,
Refreshes the soul,
Strengthens the body.
Quiet.
Such a destructive voice!
It's emptiness consumes and is always hungry,
Devouring forever and never satisfied.
Stealing thoughts,
Gnashing dreams,
Tearing hopes up and eating them one by one.
Quiet.
It does good...
But too much is a dangerous weapon.
It surrounds its victims in a blanket of darkness,
Eating away at their lonely hearts.

Quiet.
Be careful.
It can ****.

All I want to do is hide.
Hide from the world.

I hide the true shape of my body in a large sweater.
I hide my face behind my hair.
I hide my legs with long pairs of jeans.
I hide my shoulders' scars with t shirts.
I want to help people,
But I run.

The only comfort I find
Is isolation
Silent as death.

I run to it in fear.

Just needing to hide.

I am a field full of land mines.

Normal on the surface
Tall grasses
Flowers
Life

But under the dirt and grime

Hidden secrets lie

And if you touch me the right way
Accidental or not
One goes off

And if one goes off

The rest blow up the surface one by one until nothing but ashes are left.

What if I'm a monster,  
a scary  looking type
What if I accidentally
frighten little kids at night

What if I'm friendless
looking for some love
But no one really wants me
in the world up above

What is it you hate?
My pointed teeth and yellow eyes?
It's like your looking for someone else
In this ghastly disguise

I know I'm hard to love
With all my ugly flaws
Please someone see me as beautiful
And ignore my giant claws.

Dancing in the rain with flowers in her hair,
Twirling in the mud her smile gracing every drop,
The beat of the rain into puddles everywhere,
Never caring what is right and what is not.

So many thoughts flying through her head
So many habits dying to be fed
So many dreams her life could have led
If she hadn't cried all alone in her bed.

So many things she said with a smile
All the while forcing herself in denial
Putting her in pain from verdict to trial
Walking alone for many a mile.

Where this goes no one can see
No one knows except only she
But still she gives in and pays up the fee
Hoping for something she can never be.

I try to be positive when I'm alone
I really try

I try to be happy when I'm home alone
I really try

I try to be happy when I walk the streets alone
I really try

I try to be content when I'm online alone
I really try

I try to ignore the crushing pain all alone
I really try

I try to eat when I'm all alone
I really try

I try to love my body when I'm alone
I really try

I try to keep the tears in when I'm alone
I really try

I try to keep from cutting since I'm alone
I really try

I try not to hit my self when I'm alone
I really try

I try not to call myself ugly names when I'm alone
I really try

I try to call out to God when I'm alone
I really try

I try to believe that I'll find love but I'm still alone
I really try

I try to believe I'm beautiful in the mirror alone
I really try

I try
I try
I really
Really
Try

But


I



Fail




Every





Time




I need help but I can't find the will to seek it
I keep telling myself that I don't even need it

There's nothing wrong with me

I'm


.....fine.....

Beauty is a word misused
Beauty is defined by
Jewels,
riches,
thinness,
flawless skin,
perfect hair,
And painted lips.
Beauty has become a mask.
Beauty has become a lie.

Mirror mirror how I hate you
You and your face inside
I know it's really me I see
But I still hate the imagery
I'm ugly and that's no lie

Sighing at the stars
That shine bright
They seem sad
They weep
What stories could they tell?

That time
When you are content
Happy
Warm
Sleepy
Wrapped up in a soft blanket
Holding you tightly in its fuzzy embrace
Like a caterpillar in a cocoon.

Tomorrow when you wake you'll emerge
A beautiful butterfly
One of thousands
Millions
Each different in their own way

I like him
That's the simple truth
Does he know?
No.
I don't believe he knows- for sure.
I've never told him,
He's never told me,
But I do like him
And I think he likes me.

I'm not very sure,
I don't want to move too fast.
I broke my heart once,
It was more than enough-
And then it was a crush-
But this is more.

I don't crush on you,
I feel free as a bird when around you.
I feel like I can fly
Free of this world
Into the stars
And beyond.

So I do like you.
I don't believe I love you yet.
I don't want to love you before it's time.
Because who knows? Maybe we are meant to be, maybe we aren't.
I don't want to risk hurting you or hurting myself by going to quickly.

So whenever you're ready,
I'm ready.
I'd like to get to know you better and better, before love.
I'd like to be best friends, before love.

It makes sense to take this slow.

Whenever you're ready,
I will be.
I still have things to learn.
I need to learn self respect a little more,
I need to learn how to be a little kinder.
I need to pray more and be closer to God,
Because if my relationship is right with Him, it will be right with you.

And if this isn't to be,
Since I haven't loved you,
It won't hurt.
We will still be friends,
And maybe I will love someone else.
I only like you right now.

I may appear to have a heart
But believe me I don't own one
I only have a phantom idea
Inside this block of human flesh

The heart I am told is full of feeling
Sadness, happiness, love, hate
I feel fragments of these emotions
But they are never strong

I seem to react towards hate and sadness
More than love and happiness
I wonder why they are attracted to me
Like magnets the positive and negative

Well I don't own a heart
Just to let you know
Incase I ever hurt you deeply
Know that I can't apologize because I can't feel sorry

In the quiet
In the noise
Over the far and
Distant void
Love is given
Never bought
Silence speaks
When we cannot.

Even though tonight is the end of things
This isn't our last goodbye
I will miss you very much
And see you eventually sometime

I'll think about you often
Almost every day
Wonder how you're doing
And if you'll walk my way

I'll hope to cross your paths
Sometime someday somehow
You'll always be my friends
I'll love you then as I love you now

Tonight is not our final act
One last show of what we can do
This is not the final concerto
Our friendships are not through

And even if next year doesn't happen
And things cannot work through
Though I might not see your faces
I will always remember you

He sees you once in a while,
But he doesn't see you often enough.
He touches you in greeting,
But it never means very much.

He talks to you a lot,
But only with his voice.
He never seeks you out,
You're not his first choice.

He talks to other girls,
Almost every day.
When does he talk to you?
When you're in his way.

He smiles at you,
What difference does it make?
He already has someone else,
You've come too late.

He talks to many girls,
You can't expect him to like you.
You're an ugly broken thing,
Nothing shiny and new.

Step out of his way,
Avoid his friendly sight.
You're not good enough,
For this princely knight.

You have no honor,
You have no beauty.
You have no strength,
You can only do your duty.

Let other girls make him laugh,
Let other girls charm his mind.
Let other girls be his best friends,
For you he'll never have time.

Let him slip away from your eyes,
Let him walk away from you.
Let him dance with the belles of the ball,
You together will never work through.

This is just a dream,
You'll wake up very soon.
You won't forget him,
As soon as he'll forget you.

You were never anything to him,
You were never his.
This was just a fabrication,
One wild imagined wish.

Wake up now before it ends
Wake up before the final scene.
He may end up loving you,
But it can't be real- it's just a dream.

Sometimes I wonder what you would say
If all my unsaid thoughts became known to you.

Sometimes I wonder what you would do
If you met all my imaginary friends who live in my thoughts.

Sometimes I wonder what might happen if I took you with me into the crazy adventures I dream at night.

Sometimes I wonder what you would know
If I told you all my fears hopes and dreams.

Sometimes I wonder what you really think of me.

My heart sings
My song cries
My cries shout
My shouts die

Things have happened
Things have changed
Things have gone on
I'm not the same

I've been through fire
I've been through pain
I've been crushed
I'm not the same

I'm healed

How did I get here?
It wasn't easy.
My pain was at a high when I cut deep
Deeper than I ever had
And in that moment I realized
How easy
It would be
To die.

To DIE.

I was scared
I prayed for help to heal
That was when healing began
I tried to resist self inflicted pain
But failed countless times
I learned to get back up
Forgive myself
And keep going

Days turned into weeks
Weeks turned into months
With my therapist's help
I've been self harm free
For about 6 or 7 months

I no longer struggle with depression
My negativity
My anger
My hatred
My pain-
They aren't gone.
They just no longer have any hold onto me.
I've learned to let go of them.

At some point you grow numb.
At some point it becomes normal to hold it in.
At some point you forget how to cry.
And you just stand there and don't make a sound.

Days will come when
The sun will burn out
Shroud you in night
The stars rain in fire
Setting you ablaze
Tears will fall
Blood will flow
Hair be cut
Stitches sewn

They're known as Bad Days
Days when we hate
For get to eat
And cry because nothing is working out

Then we fall asleep at some point
And wake up the next day and realize
Maybe something good will come our way

How can she say she's ugly
How can she be so cruel
Why can't she see through my eyes
I think she's beautiful

No she says, she won't believe
She asks how I dare try
To make her prettier than she is
But it's what I see, no lie

Never been loved
Never been kissed
Never had someone
To part from and miss

Never had a guy
Never had a man
Never had a strong
Palm holding my hand

Never had a soul
Never had a heart
Never had a person
To break my loneliness apart

Never had a smile
Never had a touch
Never had a boy
I could love so much

I'm not beautiful
I cannot be
I'm not fake
I will not be
I'm no lie
No one should be
I only try
To be just me

Maybe I should go
Maybe I should leave
Wouldn't it be better
Than he stop loving me?

He probably doesn't anyway
Maybe I shouldn't stay
It's better than forever sticking around
And seeing him love another girl some day

Whose to say what will happen?
Whose to say this is all sure?
What if my heart gets broken again-
Will this time there even be a cure?

Guess I better accept it
Guess I better go
We are only friends right now
It's better he never know

This is something possible:
I may like him and he like me
But it can never end well
This is something that cannot be

There's a better girl for him
With pretty eyes and pretty hair
There's a woman out there somewhere
With a heart of gold and a face fair

This girl will be perfect
Unlike me
I am a ragged torn old object
Unseen