I want
nothing more
than to forgive you
so that I can love you
once more.

Your hands were so soft,
but grabbing me in the night
they leapt like tigers.

i will quietly rise from my bed like a sleepless man getting up to use the toilet in the middle of the night
- but it will be 4am, and i will be heading to the shower.
arriving at the airport
i will remember you
and how i don't get to share my life with you anymore.
my sister and i,
we will have adventures in the sea with fish and walk through ancient temples...
but the knowing that you're not there will never stop eating away at our young hearts.
i remember as a child,
feeling with every innocent fibre in my body that you were my protector,
my soulmate,
my mother.
my sister and i,
now we live alone
with memories and knowledge that we should never have to know.
(at least not yet.)
we move quietly around the house,
going about our cleaning,
reading,
cooking,
eating.
but never with you.
at the airport i will look beside me,
the words "how long until our plane leaves?" forming on my lips
and i will realise
that you're not next to me
and i will cry silently facing toward the window side of the plane.
at 4am,
i will rise quietly from my bed,
the sun not quite awake yet,
and a question on my lips.
"why?"

you complain about the
(loud constant humming of traffic coming through the bedroom wall at night

i,
sitting on the other side of the bed
facing away from you always
cry
and hear angels cry too.

you,
lost in your busy-city like momentum of thoughts
grumble and remove your shirt
already thinking about the next day
and i think you are a statue.

us in the backyard having picnics featuring saladas and orange juice.
us in the bathroom,
me reading you plath, serious and brooding,
your parents sending us joint birthday cards.

i'm sorry for falling apart.
but you should be sorrier

I fold,
quietly.
And open,
to your smile.
You,
talk softly,
and open me,
further.
My leaves,
they grow.
Shaping themselves,
around you.
Everything was Brown,
once.
But now,
Yellow is everywhere.
It's in,
my roots.
And it's,
in you.
This Spring,
is full of life.
As am I.
As are you.
I fold,
quietly.
And open,
to your smile.

Yellow was the colour of the cardigan she gave me.

I sat staring at my mum's ashes and crying,
thinking how everything was out of my control,
how everything hurt so ******* much.
But I looked in the mirror..
and I looked like the sun.


Yellow was the colour of the cardigan she gave me.

I took my life in Autumn.

Too many days of,
I'm

not

okay.

Too many days of,
I
feel
so
afraid.

Too many days of,
white
skies
and
goodbyes to mum.

Too many days of,
waiting for happiness
to come.


I took my life in autumn.

The rain fell softly on my face.
I kissed your photo,
and,
I kissed the ground.

This is the end,
but not for you.

I took my life in Autumn.
And The rain fell softly on my face
.
  .
    .

I'm here with my make-up,
and my perfect straight hair.
But I still hate my body,
and I still hate that I care.
Oh the side of the road,
seems so lonely today.
But I still feel so ugly,
so I must get away.
I borrowed your words,
and glued them to my heart.
but the meanings that follow,
still come apart.
I try not to eat,
but I have not enough strength.
And whilst this goes on,
I put us at arms length.
I couldn't ask for more,
but I'm just so **** fragile.
A war in my head,
that's a tough constant battle.
I'm here with my make-up,
and my perfect straight hair.
Oh a smile's plastered on,
because for you I care.

Wake up and apply make up.
2. Go to school and pretend.
3. Make fake friends.
4. Laugh with the last of your energy.
5. Go home and cry about an impossible remedy.

Today at school
(upon being asked to write letters to ourselves)
I simply wrote
"you have to keep going"
followed by
a picture of a sun
and finally,
at the very bottom of the page,
"be your own friend".
I think,
I can be kind to myself sometimes
(it just takes a little work).

Everything was laid out infront of us;
written in detail on our cold hands.
Nothing seemed real anymore.
And that's what broke us.
That's what sent us mad.
It was the cold chill that creeped up the hallway at three in the morning, waking us.
It was the smile that belonged to the little girl dressed in Prada.
It was me, and it was you.
It was us.
So we sent ourselves to sleep, and in that dream I told you that you were the tree in changing light, the love that brought me to life.
But you were gone ..
You had already floated away.

Pulled through the mud,
kicked to the ground.
But I thank you, for this.
I thank you for what I've found.
Learning through experience,
and growing deep like a tree.
I've found strength in the fall,
that no longer consumes me.
As tall as ten feet,
but never expecting.
I take my first steps,
and find the ones i've been neglecting.
My roots have grown intricate,
streaked with both pleasure and pain.
Their ends meet at my hands,
and I find myself with a name.

We are Half Broke Horses, you and I.
The world has tried to tame us but our souls have resisted, and,
as a result,
we have felt loneliness and bitterness and misery.
We have known what it is to be secret outcasts, needily knocking on the walls of our own hearts.
But we stick together, you and I.

Sometimes I think that we are broken in opposite places, and,
that when we come together we create a perfect, whole sphere we call our world.
It is a slice of heaven where upon we are free to be naked,
free to be honest,
free to be wholesome,
free to be true.
It is our slice of heaven that is also our home.
It is our slice of heaven where upon we are free to rome.
And as I hold you in bed as you cry, I realise that we are Half Broke Horses, you and I.
But I don't mind... because I'm a Half Broke Horse with you.

laying back to back,
i feel your warmth.
our bodies fitting perfectly together,
like imperfect jigsaw pieces.

I find your hand with my own,
and your breathing slows.

Everything is quiet in the right places.
~~~~~
Laying back to back,
I feel your warmth.
Our mouths do not move,
But I can feel your gentle words.
And like soft waves that carress the darkness,
i too,
will carry you to the light.

And I woke from the most deceiving dream.
And I woke with empty,
burning holes inside of me.
And I wasn't the light anymore,
I was just a girl.
Just a girl.
One day I was beautiful.
And the sun grew from my skin.
Or at least you told me so.
Or at least you told me so.
And I smile but it doesn't feel right.
And I don't know if I'm awake, or if,
I’m barely alive.
I just know that one day I was beautiful.
And now I'm just a girl.
Just a girl.

Like the morning frost that kisses the flowers awake,
I knew we were meant to be together.

Waking up,
to a slow morning light,
makes me realise
How alone I am.

Waking up,
not by your side,
makes me realise
how much I need you.

You broke my heart
once,
twice

You still break my heart
every morning
as I step out into the light.

And
I must ask myself
If I die,
without letting you break my heart
a
third
time
Will I be happy?


Will I be true?


Will I

pray to live just so that I can love you?


Once

More.

I have loved you
through many sleepless nights,
spent crying,
thinking,
holding you.
I have loved you,
through pancakes for breakfast and behind closed bedroom doors blocking out the light.
I have loved you,
on
and on
and
on
forever.
Because although we are not together,
our hearts touched long ago,
and blood does not forgive.
Blood does not forget.

I have loved you,
under shelter from rain under black umbrella,
running to the bus stop where you have kissed me goodbye.
I have loved you,
through laughter and pain and hospital nights.
I have loved you.

I love you,
and I am terrified you will forget me.
Terrified that you will forget all these things I have loved you through,
and all these things you have loved me through.
And though we have loved each other through so many things,
I have also loved you before I was born,
before I was conceived,
before I was pushed out into existence kicking and screaming for love.
I hope with all my heart that I did not love you more than you me,
but I do not know.

I have loved you,
and I will love you,
through not hearing your voice,
through not feeling your hand in mine,
through not witnessing you grow old,
through not sharing wedding vows,
through not dying together.
I will love you,
through and through
Forever.

I love that I am human.
That I can feel, and touch things.
Like the velvet of his skin.
The roughness of his hands.
And I love that I can find my way, even with my eyes closed.
Hearing every sound, every vibration rippling in the air.
Exhilarating and exciting me. Preparing me.
I love that I am human.
That I can exist, and love every moment of it.
Never knowing what's around the next bend, the next corner.
Being so aware of myself and the position I am in.
Looking up at the stars, and mapping out their coordinates.
Their legs dancing playfully billions of miles away.
I love that I am human.
That I won't live forever, so I must cherish every moment.
Get up after every fall.
And I love that I am human.
Because I can love the way I am supposed to.
Yell hallelujah with every breath, every heartbeat.
Use my hands until they become strained and weathered.
Or hide them under gloves, preserving their youth.
I love that I am human.
I love you.

I sleep
Waking
Climbing rocks
and mountains
Endlessly searching....
Watching the sun rise,
and set,
while I,
my heart,
remains stationary.
I am looking for you
In the Land of Nowhere
where the water
is so blue
the lavender so fragrant
I can almost remember happiness.
I taste it in my tears
see it in my past
but the days keep pulling me
forward
and my heart I can’t find.
Where are you?
but the wind just pushes the long grass
makes my knees cold
makes me listen for foreign whispers.
When I wake,
it is alone,
and my heart used to cry each time
but it is silent in my ears now
quiet, and
afraid of waking
the screaming child in the next room.|
To the Land of Nowhere,
I faithfully keep returning
but in my quest of failing to find you,
I will find beauty in the world again.

like angels
i am pure
and
full of love
but unfortunately
my wings have fallen off

And you reached into me with your greedy hands,
so much so that I wasn't sure where your fingers ended and my skin began
So much so that I mistook your livid pulse for mine.

And I thought I was breathing in burning air,
and the world turned cold and you didn't care
And I saw hell in your eyes..
but you were dressed in God's robes...

I saw hell in your eyes..
but it was too late to let go.

Your eyes sing,
a thousand happy songs.
A thousand beautiful words,
which I cannot fathom.
Your lips tell,
secrets that have my heart smiling.
Phrases in tones,
that I have never heard.
Your arms hold me,
bring me to back to safety.
Bring me back to memories,
and encase me in your love.
And your movements,
they surprise me with each step.
Leaving me afraid,
of loving you too much.

we grew together,
like trees that held hands.
and one night we danced,
and you kissed me like you loved me.
and you did,
you really did.
but decisions had to be made,
and our feet took us in opposite directions,
though our hearts were left behind.
and now our lives grow apart,
like broken trees.
and i still remember the night we danced,
and you kissed me like you loved me.
and you did,
you really did.
but sometimes that isn't enough.
sometimes you have to keep dancing,
and keep kissing,
otherwise we leave,
and our hearts,
are left behind.

motherless,
is who,
to society,
i am.
it's on my centrelink forms,
it's written on my face,
it's why my teachers pity me.
but i never get to be,
me,
rosie.

motherless,
is what i've been,
since the candles,
fleetingly glowed,
and i made a wish not to lose those i loved,
as i turned,
16.

motherless,
the things that happened for me to receive this title,
killed me,
and,
killed her,
too.
the whole world,
without her,
has turned cold and blue.

motherless,
has poisoned my whole world,
my whole being, whole gravity,
whole soul has been overturned.

motherless,
is what now consumes me,
and has,
painfully,
since i turned 16.

Her mind shatters,
into a thousand pieces.
She does not have to face,
all the pain at once.

Encasing herself,
in the dusted wings of a moth.
The sun does not reach her,
though neither does the night.

Sometimes she plants flowers,
and starves them of their food.
Now they know her sorrow,
oh now they know her sorrow.

Shouting becomes muffled,
under her warm sheets.
Where she stays throughout the day,
whispering her name.

And one day she will bloom,
but it won't be bold and innocent.
Because only butterflies dance,
and only butterflies cry.

Inbetween a state of sleep and tiring thoughts,
my arm extends out to my right,
it's memory of you failing to remember that you're not here.
With fingers slowly curling back under the shell of my palm,
they suffer loneliness.
Coming out again, desperately hoping that they were wrong,
they tickle the rough mattress with their tips.
I turn on the light,
head throbbing,
frustrated with the persistent attitude of my mind and body.
Still, quiet room.
Reflecting my nature,
patient with my outburts.
The soft humming of a car passing by outside,
a contrast.
Thoughts of tomorrow unfurling push my heavy eyes to the verge of tears.
I think of him further and want to message him "I love you.", but am afraid of his answer.
Turning off the lamp,
scooting my dog out of the way,
I lay with my eyes open.
Blink,
blink,
blink.
Nothing changes.
Slow moving fuzzy bodied shapes start to appear on the ceiling,
and after some time,
they spell out "stop." and "why."
Eventually, Inbetween a state of sleep and tiring thoughts,
my arm extends out to my right,
it's memory of you failing to remember that you're not here.
With fingers slowly curling back under the shell of my palm,
they suffer loneliness.