I never cry anymore. Maybe it's the pills, maybe it's my indifference to pain.

But yesterday I cried in your bed.

And it was not because you made me sad, but because you made me feel.


Your hands questioned the ice in my heart,

Your voice thawing it with your words.

I do not know what to write about you,

except to say,

You fill the gaps where emptiness creeps in.

And if  I were being honest with myself,
I'd say how much I miss him,
Draw his fingers on my notebook.

If I were feeling brave enough,
I'd tell you about the colour of his bare skin,
tell you how beautiful he was when the light poured in.

If I could bear to think about it,
I'd crawl through the spaces in my head, where love leaked in,
And stay a while.

If I were being honest with myself,
I'd admit how
I was actually on the brink
of giving him my love

or


that i did.

I'd paint his picture,
late at night in my room
he sitting in the sunlight facing me like god.

But --

I'm working a lot these days, trying to save for a car,
and there's no time for this sadness,
or so i tell myself.


and I'm filling my nights with grey smoke
and big groups of people,

or quiet reading.

And if i were being honest with myself,
beyond the layers of love,
I'd tell you about how underneath,
there is a tired heart,
and how it's little rivers of gold

are slowly fading.

waking up today,
remembering my great loss
I go back to sleep.

He is my rock,
my calm blue sea.
He is the lighthouse
who's light guides me.
But my element is fire,
hot to the touch,
and I need somebody,
who burns just as much.

I could not afford
your love -
it came with anxiety
and,
feeling small.

And even though
it came with the promise of
(shooting stars)
It was
not enough
compared to the love
I was yet to give myself

and for it
I had to be

Free.

And the way the sun
shines through the treetops
makes me cry.
And you hold me, and say,
'There, There'
and I smile
and we dance,
not slow,
but like madmen tasting the rain.
And the sun goes down,
but we don't stop
until
our legs give way
and we collapse
in love bundles and watch the
pinpricks in the sky
dance for us.
This gift
A Quiet Place Together (We Go)
Will never run out
even if
We Do.

Why -
I am without.
Death
has no personal reason
nor does
Love
that leaves.
And nobody
is punishing me
And nobody
is watching over me -
we do not get
what we deserve
we just have to make the best
of what we are given
and what we
aren't.
(And I am not a failure.)