Be real
Be real

as if its that easy

I don't feel
so if I'm real
people won't know me

the person who you think i am

is no where near how i really feel

Be real
Be real

I want someone to hear me complain about my day
I want someone to lend me their shoulder
I want someone who wont complain when i wake up at midnight to cuddle
I want someone who thinks sorry is enough
I want someone to love me
I want someone who is there for me
I want somone

Im sitting here

thinking about what to write

and all i can think about is you

the curves of your face

the beautiful melody of your voice

and the amazing opinions

you shared with everyone

and i wonder

why was the only person who couldnt see your beauty was you

why where you holding the gun

why couldnt you see your own beauty

why did you leave me

now im sitting here

hurting

wondering

why couldnt you see your beauty?

Don't you hate it when you love somone

and you would **** anyone who tries to hurt them

but they are the ones holding the gun?

I wish I was sorry
I wish i cared
But when you've broken somebody
You gotta leave the pieces there
Let them carry themselves back up
And put the pieces together
Give them time and space to heal
But know theyll be wounded forever

Like me

Im broken
Im lost
Looking for a way
To cut out the monster in me
I'm hurt
Trying to find a reason
To live day
To day in this
Misery

I am looking around this car

at my mom

my sister

my father

and no matter how much I complain

I am realizing how much I really love my family

My mask is falling off

I'm starting to remember the old me

and how wounded

I actually am

because I hid behind closed doors

closed even from me

and now

they are opening

and I'm scared

of the monster

I might see

I realized something

No matter how many times

I try to fix everything

no matter how many times

I try to change who i am

monsters dont get happy endings

Awake in the middle of the night

breathing air

with opened eyes

wondering why

I'm still alive

peoplelikejustknowwantthingslovedaygirllifesaytimemomhurtingstoph­urtworldthinkthingbullywayhelptryamazingrightnightpersonawaymakef­eellivefriendbrokencaremanreallyneedwronglovedtelllookeyeslivinga­ctwhispersfrogdoesn'taren'tfightwanted

better forget friends old far knew happy crying everyday got maybe hate trying dad fall use start change bad stars listen daddy insane secrets told tried isn't light wanna left came good realize real believe laugh head instead jump insanity cat school zombies followers inside home room thinking family end

remember dead hair saw laughing sure feeling great looks looked realized remeber father changed understand kid copy cuts hearted best face little hold forgot keeper question victim long push house god lie sees morning past needs mean hand heart wont talk stay able wish true learn mother looking ok turned

makes doesnt stopped scars took color young pushing died car telling crazy killed knife respect sister cares leg inches copycat turn soul goes loud smile walls does lies babies speak watch held lose poem year self hit mind longer lost close staring happen words fell new making showed means hard

Don't you hate it when you have faith in someone
and they let you down



like when you think they aren't horrible people
and it turns out
they don't have a good side?





well then your gonna hate me

I keep losing followers....



but i realized

that despite the desprate fight of some


to get followers


I dont care.

I mean I know my poetry is good

if I have 12 followers


or 12000 followers


because I believe in myself

and you dont have to follow me

I dont mind

I dont need followers

I will get those

in time

People always say

dont be perfecct

be you

but what that really means

is be who they think you are

if you say something else they will think you are lying

not trying

hard enough


look deeper


thats not deep enough

but who are you to tell me


who i am?

People are scared of what they dont know


i dont think that is true

because I have friends

who dont know me

You have to kiss a lot of frogs

until one finally turns into your prince

People love that saying

time heals all wounds

but when you live long enough

you will realize most cleches

are true

its amazing what even the smallest passage of time can acomplish

the cuts it can close

the imperfections it can smoothe over

but in the end

it comes down to the size of the wound

doesnt it?

if the wound is deep enough

there might be no way to keep it from festering

even if you have

all the time in the world

If saving the person I love makes me a monster



so be it

My heart still may beat


but im no longer living

I really want to walk outside right now

and tell every one


the truth

what is the point

of living this lie

when no one

apretiates the work i put in

what is the point

of wearing a mask

if no one figures out who i really am

Living in a dream I have never had

I wish somoeone could see me

for me

in real life

I wish someone

would finally notice

that im never


actually



happy

Why do people act like the words

"I'm sorry."

can fix everything?

I
Just
Cant

I cant live another day
with everyone looking at me

like im the savior

when i cant even save my self

How can I lead others out of the darkness

When I'm still lost?

I really wanna fall asleep right now













And not wake up

I'm sitting here

Can't focus

Can't think

My hands are shaking

And yet everyone is looking at me to be strong

No crying

Even though my world is fallen apart

No being scared

Nervous

Or being weak

I have to be strong

Stress is eating me alive

Yet I have to act as if it's all good

Head killing me

But it doesn't deserve pain killers

Hunger

But I can't eat

And everyone wants me

To be strong enough for everyone else

And right now

Im about to start shaking

Screaming

Crying

Weeping

But I can't

Because I have to be strong

And everyone wants to know why I'm not smiling

Is it just me


Or does everyone want to start over?

I came to a revalation yesterday

I need help

All night I was up

my friend was sleeping over

but I was restless

thinking about knifes

and how great it would be if everyone else woke up and I didn't


I need help

When I was 5
My mom had a car accident
shes disabled to this day

From that age on I had to help her everyday
and now
its still the same

My father gets angry
he screams
he yells
he pushes
he throws
he pins

I have a little sister
I make sure my dad doesnt hurt her
to the extent that he has hurt me

My methods can be shady
If she is doing something that will get her in trouble
I do something worse

It keeps her from getting hurt

I use to cry a lot
about my life

My dad use to scream at me to stop crying
that it wasnt right

I would right sorry a million times
and he would throw away the paper

I would do whatever he wanted
just for that nod of approval

and he wouldnt give me anything

all A's on my report card
taken care of my sister
and my mom

cooking
cleaning

No thank you

"It's your job to do that, why would I thank you for it?"

Then I would cry
and he would scream
I would say sorry
He wouldnt acknoledge me
I would do more
he wouldnt say thank you

and this went on and on

until

I stopped crying
I stopped trying
I stopped feeling
I put on a mask when I was 7 years old

I pretended to be something im not
when I didnt even know who i was

I stopped feeling
and became the monster I am today

Have you ever loved someone




So much it hurt?

I dont like poetry
as if its all under one catogory

as if its all the same

I dont like poetry

once a few years ago
a teacher asked me if I wrote poems

I dont like poetry

I was so young
Nieve

I didnt know that shakespeares words

actually meant something

I thought it was all the same

All rhyms
nothing more

but then I wrote my first poem
and it opened up a door

I could finally
see what all the hype was about

I saw what it does to people
did to me

I wasn't looking for poetry
but it found me

and now
I wouldn't be alive
if it wasn't for poetry

Don't you ever want the world to freeze

So this one moment

can last forever

The sun is rising

the clock is ticking

but you still lay your head like a lamb on a cloud

peacfully

almost as if the. Ti
time  passing. Means  nothing to you

which is ridiculous because you can't  ever be late

but you prove me wrong because right now

you are peaceful

You know that moment right before you cry?

That feeling?

Well that is my home

I was thrown across the house yesterday
by my father

I had a bump on my head

The next day I showed him

and he asked

*"Who hit you?"

I was sad
upset
I didnt want to live anymore
and the only advice she gave me
was the one thing I didnt want to do

*"Just Breathe"

The one thing I want

Is the one thing I cant have

How can anyone call this life fair?

I was left a lone
you see I didn't have the best life
my shoes didn't always fit right

I was abandoned everyone left me
and i was bond to the wrong things
like chewed up taffy

I was nothing
I was just a waste of space
a broken sandcastle
watching the waves rise to take me away

I was nothing
and i still am today

I realized something

I never had a child hood

I never ran out onto the sand and swam in the ocean

I never had a favorite toy

Or had my dad teach me to ride I bike

I never flew a kite

I never had my mom tuck me into bed

My mom wasn't there for my 3rd birthday

I cant say I love or hate my mom's cooking

I never had help with homework

I have never been to a candy store

I have know what death was since I was 5 years old

I never grew up with my best friend
She died when I was 7 of cancer

I never had a child hood

I want






I dont know what I want
But I need
I need you

I think im fat on some level even thoguth i know im not

I never understand myself

I lie so much I dont know what is true

I hate hurting people but everything i do seems to have a negative affect on someone I love

I hate disapointing people

I love when people disapoint me

I think suicide is selfish
and i hate that i have tried it 4 times

I wish I could be perfect for everyone
Even if i lose myself

I wish I could let someone else live my life while i just disapear

I fall in love with to many people I lose

I push away all of my freinds so they dont push away me

When I was younger i use to hit my legs with hammers so i wouldnt have to run track so i could stay home and help my mom (Why my knees always hurt)

I dont want people to care about me

And yet all I want to do is know you care

I want my father to hurt me so bad I'm not recognizable
Then I will finally feel the hurt I have wanted to feel my whole life

I forgot how to cry

When I was younger my best freind died of cancer

I use to be able to think of somethign sad and cry on demand

I just want someone to **** me

I day dream about murdering, hooking up, and ****** almost every one I see at random moments and I cant controll it.

I have writers block
but i think that i shouldnt
because when your life is falling apart
shouldnt you feel compelled to create something better
and yet i dont
i dont feel impelled
I dont feel inspired
I feel empty
as if the world has finally taken the last parts of me
I feel nothing
and me feeling nothing
was suppose to be better than feeling something
let me tell you its not
its like sitting in a dark room
as the walls come in
and all you can do is stare at the floor
your not scared
your not frightened
you dont want to find a way out
and that scares me
why do i feel this way
i should want to change
and yet all i can do is sit here
watching the  walls close in

I wish
we could drive
out to the middle
of nowhere  with
you and talk
under the stars