I don't believe the people I see and the strangers I meet even enjoy the fact that I breathe, through their greedy eyes all they see is a worthless carbon dioxide expelling oxygen stealing machine that's wasting precious space they reserved for themselves or at least another somebody they feel is free, which can't be me because I'm sitting here absorbing their stares and soaking up their thoughts that I can actually hear audibly as a scream shouting 'Leave! Leave! Run! Flee!'
So I do, I take off in a sprint in the other direction where more eyes glare pair by pair flooding me with despair leaving me choking for air, the same air that blows my hair but belongs to them so I hold my breath for blue cheeks to make sure I'm being fair, I wouldn't want to presume upon them or assume they're willing to share because clearly they don't want me here, and they didn't want me there
'Leave! Leave! Run! Flee!'
It's ringing in my skull now, the words bouncing around like a basketball rebound, a round rubber reflection in motion thumping against my temple repeatedly, and I obey what they say because I think maybe this time I'll find a way out of here and arrive in the company of those that don't envy that which they can't see and will truly let me be calm and breathe.
'Leave! Leave! Run! Flee!'
With history repeating itself time and time again I'm gone and going and I keep performing the same actions expecting different results which I'm sure is the definition of insanity, but it's all I've ever known and it has worked a time or two for a couple of memories here or there, ultimately temporary just waiting for the next event that has me on my feet and running again.
'Leave! Leave! Run! Flee!'
Who's coming with me?

Nobody, always the same thing, so here goes nothing, maybe that will bring me something
'Leave! Leave! Run! Flee!'

if there is any truth to
time healing all things
then how many years does it take to coagulate this pain and
dry it up with a scar there to remain so
I will have forgiven but
never forgotten
what it was that happened?

It's been hundreds of hours and
millions of minutes and
countless seconds since but
regardless it's still vivid

the colors are brighter
the sounds louder
the struggle longer and
the guilt greater

there were long stretches where
I completely forgot
I put a band aid over it that
matched my skin and
it blended in so well
until the edges start to
turn red from the
open wound beneath
that flows steadily and
it all comes flooding back to me
a plague upon my memory

maybe at one point
this sore was getting better but
like a little kid I picked at the scab and
any progress that was made
was all lost and
I'm right back where I started with ****** elbows and
scraped knees
just
remembering
remembering
remembering

so I can't wait for this
blister to birth me a scar
it will be a defect on my actions and
a blemish that drives my motions
flaws hurt but they show the world why sometimes beauty comes as a slash across your entire life and

I find it attractive

That morning came
The same as any other
A kiss and a hug
From daughter to mother
A departing smile
As she turned the corner
Unknowing this day would change everything and
Carry her away

A bird of prey
Swept down with eagle eyes and
Grabbed her and led her astray
Leaving loved ones lost
They hope and pray
For her safety in searching
Always in their hearts she will stay

A simple stroll
A routine walk to school
An innocent young girl
A bright spot in a dark world
She shines so beautiful

Her star was taken
A gentle twinkle
She shimmered in the night
But blinked out in an instant
A cloud formed to
Block her from the sky
A blanket of grey in an
Unfair display of evil incarnate that Brought hurt and pain

An entire community cannot comprehend
How can this happen?
With such malice and confusion
How can we continue to function?
A society filled with tragedy
Ongoing sorrow is sickening
Family and friends gather together
To support each other
With comforting words and
Violet flowers

That mourning came
Our worst fears realized
Our feelings and emotions paralyzed
This can't be real we say
Who could steal her away?

Her love is pure
A little angel
She did not deserve
To have her wings clipped or
Her soul hushed
But her spirit lives on forever

The villain of our beloved victim
Will cower and run and hide
But we will never stop until we find
The one who so suddenly shook our lives

We must remember the joy she gave
We must have faith the one responsible will be found
We must hold on tight to love and
Know she looks down on us now From above

Now we wait to join her once again
When we will embrace her in heaven
We can still feel her life within us
The memory of her laughter
Will echo in our minds
Until our own hereafter

I hope one day, and I know this day will come because I'll make sure of it, but I hope one day my sins become visual and cover the walls of a cabin far in the woods, and all my bad deeds will be residual and my soul will be attached to, but not trapped, there. People will come to visit only once or twice a year, but when they do, I'll make the ******* most of it. I'll stay subtle and silent, with gradual motions like a faucet turning on or a door closing in an empty room, and the living visitors will think 'how strange', but it's not strange, what's strange is I've waited for this opportunity hours on end in an afterlife limbo where I'm not entirely dead, but was I ever really completely alive? Here I'm still bound by time and space, and I could go on to forever, but I choose instead to make banging sounds on worldly walls and cause men to be macho and insist this house and these woods are not haunted, but the goosebumps on your girlfriends arms say otherwise, and so do I. But why do I waste my time? Yes, time, here it is again, and therein lies the answer to my question. Time. I have it, I posses it like fingernails or hair and watch it grow to indicate its ongoing forward crawl. Time with its mouthful of gnashing teeth that grind and grind and grind but never wear thin and toothless like a homeless man who humbly smiles at a passing stranger even though they scoff at his politically incorrect poverty, the teeth chomp constantly and rhythmically reminding him and all of us that we cannot escape it, not even in death. So I use this purgatory I've chosen to bother anonymous teenagers who come from far away to these mountains with a lust for adventure and in turn find themselves wondering what these sounds are they keep hearing and why the tv turns itself on and off and the channels change without warning.  I'm telling them 'hey, just because you can't see me doesn't mean I'm not here', and it's not fear from them I want, only for them to understand that an invisible man is handcuffed here and has no hurry to get to hell. I'm just a phantom holding you ransom with my hardship, light the fireplace and I'll help you feel it.

Fresh from the lathe
Your bedpost pillar stands
In support of the canopy above

A quarter of the strength needed to Elevate You upwards from the
Floor below

A wooden column polished and
Created to collect
Hurt souls in notches

A monumental mast to be
Molded by martyred men
Out of love for You
-•-

So it begins
It's first nick comes as
A scar that dents the fine finish
An eyesore incision

The same as trash to treasure
One mans pain becomes
Your pleasure portrayed as
A slash across the room

Etched so deeply
The engraving as an epitaph for
A damaged embrace of failed love

With chisel in hand
You prepare Yourself to
Chop and hack Your way
Through honest men's lives

Consuming all in a
Sculpting effort to find what
You are truly looking for

Unknowing Your actions are a
Mere aimless diversion from
Living and existing as
Your own shallow self
-•-

This is just the start
As more come and go
Loving hearts are carved in
One by one and staked down to
Your ground

Chipping and scratching away
Bits of wooden passion
Fall in flakes and splinters that
Gather to cover the carpet

With good looks and a shiny smile
The gaps in Your picket post grow
Gashes that grind down and
Gnaw away with sharp selfish teeth

These grooves are reflective of
Your own emotion
But You refuse to let Yourself
Slow the pace until
You have reduced this
Upright support to a skinny stick

Your bedstead now an homage to Constantly diminishing attempts to
Shape Your life in love
-•-

When will You be satisfied that
It's finally been cut down to size?

Each slice doesn't change the score
Every sliver shaved away leaves Your heart
Your will
Raw and sore

Trimming little by little
Allowing hearts to crumble
A work of art You've whittled in a
Destructive stumble through
Crushed people

The indentions You've made
Are what have disintegrated
Your shame

You've let them erode
Eat and wear away
Weaken and grind down
Your heart and souls true desire to
Devote Yourself to
Just one man who will stay

You thought You could never align
With a single indent for all time

Now do You would realize that
You should have waited to
Watch what You'd been
Creating all along?

The bed has collapsed
Your bedpost is now
A jewelry box
-•-

Kneeling in reverence
Apprehensively opening the lid to
Reveal its contents

You find nothing except emptiness
The same as the
Company of the room You're in

No more places to tally tick marks
No more hearts left to hurt
No more bodies remain to
Cut and burn

Let the leaning sleep and the
Loneliness serve as a
Reminder of Your reckless abandon

No ring will ever reside in Your box
Your finger will be bare forever

As punishment for Your
Torment and misery
Anguish and agony
Sadness and suffering in
Perpetual heartache

A box from a bedpost
                 </3

Relentless residual resentment
Anger plaguing me
I'm always meeting the wrong people
It keeps happening
They take advantage of me

I hate those that hurt
It should have been them first
No one ever really gets what they deserve

My knuckles should be permanently bruised
Because what they do makes me abuse myself
If I can't hit You I'll strike everything else

If my lungs won't spit fire
I'll write it down and spell it out
I hope it's enough to make them burn and
Put my own flames out

Love is ever changing clouds

At times a blanket that shrouds
Completely surrounding
With a gentle warming

but

Then it grows dark and
Cries out and
Bites down with
Razor rain

Screaming and shouting
Hollowing You out
Filling You with doubt

An overcast obscurity
A vapor veil
A growing gloom
A murky mist in moonlight

then

Morning comes clear and cloudless
You wish for shade or
An overshadowing fog
But this clarity is loveless

The sun blinks out
Everything extinguished
An enveloping eclipse

All is taken away
An illusion
Blotted out for now
The edges still shine rays

Bringing an amber overhead glow
A burning buttermilk sky
Now I see what they mean by cloud nine

Heaven is mine in peaceful paradise
A blissfulness that burns true and
Shoots me over the moon

and

Comes from only
Seeing and
Loving and
Being with the
Weather that is
You

Once upon a time in spring
While red roses aroused in flowering
A seed was planted
A prime source for
A coming fount of love

What better time than now?
For Our roots to rise upward
As We become entangled
Twisting to break free from the ground
Hatching the stem to bring Us to light

We arise to the welcoming sun
Standing before the lake below
Our senses tingling in anticipation
Of the emotion before Us

To find love We must begin
To take the plunge
So take my hand
We'll jump the cliff and
Wake the water and
Submerse Ourselves in each other

Now lust has commenced and
We've birthed Our commitment
With each rejuvenating gesture
As companions We climb closer
To the surface of Our desire

Soon summer sighs
As We lock eyes laying in the grass
A vibrance of color surrounds
A resounding chorus of nature and laughter all around

The sun can hide behind the clouds
Because Your smile shines
Eventually the heat will break that shroud
But not now

We have saved the daylight
Sealing each moment with Our lips
We are the finest development
Of what it feels to find perfection

Or so We both thought
With Our bodies in a bind
Our future is what We had and fought for
We are beauty prior to decline

The breeze is blowing through Our sentiment
A crisp bite of a coming closing cold
We still held on tight to it

But we sank and resurfaced and
Burned Our adoration unknown
Of the fast fall

Autumn sets in
Bringing an aura that hangs
As the harvest yields nothing for Us

Our hearts remain aligned
But restlessness runs through the back of Our minds
We couldn't foresee Our experience would have consequence
We moved too quick while jumping to conclusions

When We're in need
The speed of living only happens at one pace
With a chance meeting
We are now reaping what We've sown

If We could have seen the repercussions
That would inevitably sprout from that seed
Would We return to our lonely buried discussions?
Be sure to never allow results like these again

Instead Our memories cling to the trees
With each leaf falling one by one
Every kiss and embrace suffocating the earth
The temperature spirals steadily downward

The first winter frost befalls Us
The flakes descending to
Freeze Our feelings in time

We follow fate
We decline

Drifting away
Drowning in Our decay
Of snow and ice that
Finally took the life and
Left Us alone again

Our dreary adversity was over
In cold inertia
We are still in the night

Spring showers fed budding love
Summer gave time to grow
But in autumn it seemed appropriate We'd fall and
Hit a weeping winter wall

These patterns repeat
Maybe We rushed and
Shouldn't have hurried

We dove so deep into We
It worked well periodically
But We were suffocating

Our eyes began wandering
Our questions and thoughts
Recurring

Was it worth it?
A yearlong parallel of the weather
We parted ways in frigid fashion
But there's always another new coming season

So as the sky now sprinkles it's mist
The scent of soil rises to replenish
I carve a bed into this ground once more and
Wait for the next shower
To bring me a mate with whom I can share this flower

As my cold air lungs collapse
My last frozen breath escapes my lips
I lay here dying all alone
Calling out to the falling snow

These winter woods are now my home
A bed of ice upon the ground
Myself a ghost to forever roam
Not a soul for miles around
I won't be found

The frigid frost is a blanket for my feelings
I've become numb to the bone
At first an uncomfortable chill
I've lost the ability to feel anything
This arctic atmosphere kills
I am coming toward comatose

My frame now rooted turned to stone
My hands are rigid and lifeless
My icy eyes are glazed and glaring
My being paralyzed by this piercing place

It's biting down and penetrating
Cutting with bitter precision
My condition desolate and dismal

A final shiver forbidding
One last winter whimper
As senses fail I fall
Buried by the blessed blizzard
A sacred silence ensues

What greater gift could be given to me
Than that of a canvas staring blankly
Awaiting it's first brushstroke
In a flash a slash of color across its face

This potential has been placed before me
Like a puzzle piece from my memory
I will fill this void with my living energy
I will compose music for your eyes to see
I will write poetry for your heart to read visually

The power in my hands to put pigment upon paper
To portray a picture that depicts my inner nature
It's a purely creative endeavor

I pour myself into the paint
Each masterpiece contains part of me

In harmonious rhythm
I stain to stimulate
I dye to add drama
I shade to give grace

With an acrylic aesthetic
A cosmetic elegance
An oil overlay
A washing watercolor
The media is mine to design
Each line to represent my life

My gallery tells a story
Ever changing and growing
Forever framing and flowing
To draft love in a sensitive showing
Of my true self in painting

Where are You going?
It's been so long headed nowhere
So will You call me when You get there?
Cause I can't follow You anymore

It's aimless when You're wandering
It leaves me helpless and wondering
If what I do will change anything
Because it's never aided Your suffering

Wouldn't it be great if my words were pills to alleviate?
If my syllables were a remedy to rebuild You to Your proper state
If each letter was water to rehydrate

But both of us know that there's no healing in prose
Unless You let the lines linger and see the significance they show and
Allow the implication of their meaning
To bring truth and understanding

But You never do

We've both become a living testament
Of how some people can only speak in argument
When Your words quickly change from night to day
You never say what You mean, You rarely mean what You say

Lust before trust has always been a failing policy
Love without devotion is a guaranteed fallacy
You've only been my companion intermittently
It's becoming too much to handle wondering where You could be
And
With whom

So I want to be able to see as far as the sky can see
Because only then would You always be within eyesight of me
But if I gaze too long my heaven starts to bruise and
Slams down upon me in black and blue

You can't run before You walk
If We start at a crawl
We tried to sprint to race the clock
But in turn We had to stumble and fall
We couldn't chase the embrace that made Us seem reborn
It was a fleeting feeling from failing hearts We'd torn
Your eyes were constantly shifting searching for more and more and
Soon I felt like nothing I could do was right for You, the now is now, no it's not like before

I thought my heart would explode if I saw You
But then I did, and I didn't even miss You
We caught a glance, and I barely recognized You and
For a moment, our romance was never true

You gave the look that You give to every passerby
I stood frozen feeling fear that I'd start asking why
We didn't last, didn't work, didn't work out
Instead that glimpse replenished me with promise, no doubt

In my mind and in my heart and in the now I know this
We're so much different when together and We didn't notice
We'd slowly surely grow apart from what We thought We wanted
We need no one to justify ourselves but always counted

On each other to provide the pieces that were missing
But truth be told, We were whole, and only reminiscing
On love that's passed, We moved too fast and ended in disaster
You poked and prodded, burned and bothered, You became my master

You kept me going but were slowing down my sense of safety
The wounds kept healing but the scars remain to tell the story
Of a boy and girl who fell in love and planned to marry
Through thick and thin they'd be together until they were buried

But sure enough You did your worst and I just couldn't take it
I packed my bags and left and moved ahead without a ticket
Didn't know where I was going but it didn't matter
Hoping that I had escaped before my heart had shattered

When things get bad and sometimes  worse I tend to think of You
Your mental image branded on me (and within me) but it isn't true
That calling You and running back will help, I doubt You've changed
I can't forgive You, though I want to, so it's here I'll stay

It's been so long, I'm moving on and since I've found another
It isn't perfect, doesn't need to be we have each other
We aren't like we were and we both agree that we'll have battles
But in the end we will be fine when all the dust has settled :)

In mutual misery, we found it comforting we weren't completely alone
We were planning, preparing and speaking and sharing, there was much we had yet to be shown
We harnessed our sadness, and all of our madness, and blinded and beat down our angst
But beneath our belligerence there was a persistent longing for future and change

We both were pent up, and fully fed up, and said 'we'll get the hell out of this town'
If just for a short time, we'll hop in and start driving west with intentions unknown and
Probably, maybe, we'll find ourselves saving ourselves by just waiting it out
It seemed so far away when we'd all move together and be happy at home in our house

And
Then out of nowhere, but probably somewhere deep down inside you found fate
You didn't look further than right where you were for her and I must admit you look great and
I can't let jealousy take hold of the best of me, don't think I am trying to blame
I remember you saying that this didn't matter, but now I see it's not the same

In the middle of all this, I was slipping unconsciously under the weight of my thoughts
I knew you'd been set free, and wanted to help me, but I knew not what I sought
I turned down the volume, and in turn was consumed entirely with what I should do
I imagined you smiling, while making new memories, and wanted the same for me too

Your time is now spoken for, not like it was before when weekends were spent working out the kinks
You need her, I know this, I'm trying to show this, with each word and each kiss, I'm missing it all in a blink
I'm sure I'll be ok, I feel better these days, I've learned to let go of my stress
I know in due time I'll be getting what's mine and we both will be at our best

So long story short, I wrote this to report, to say that we will always be fine
Let's try to forget, but have no regrets, and make the most of each moment in time
But try to remember, I'm always around, and want to come down, to the places where you plan to be
We'll share time together, in life and forever, in harmony eternally :)

I feel like I'm the grass and You're the rain, because the only time I grow is when skies are gray
We both know this is true, that I'm brightest when I'm drenched in You and
Now the sun shines and brings the rays, and Your water dries up and the flames will blaze
I need to be soaked in You, to stay alive, or else I'll start dying at the roots, I won't survive
Could have guessed the wind was all it would take, to turn thick to thin and fog to mist and rid me of my haziness
You left too fast and all I ask is give me back my overcast, I get comfort in shade
The heat is beating down and random spots are turning brown
I'm warm on a summers day but that's never been enough to make me ok
I'm dehydrating, with each moment passing, it seems this might be everlasting
We used to have the best front yard on the street, then You left, now it's filled with sticks and leaves, and dirt
I'm weak and withered You know **** well it hurts and
The weeks will pass and the months will turn from the day you let that fire burn
In springtime I hope You'll return with a downpour that will quench my thirst

It may be true that love does not make the world go 'round
But it is the warmth that makes my heartbeats pound
Its force the sun and I the earth turning as it burns
I've been told the bigger they come the harder they hit the ground
But I've found it's the size of your heart that determines to whom you are bound
The dimensions of our bodies serve only as suits to surround our souls
I know a heart that's breaking makes an awful sound
It's a mirror that's shattering and a thousand howling hounds, in mourning

Those wounds will heal, though the pain is profound, and another hearts heat will be coming around

Insatiably You inhale my every remark,
Swallowing each phrase as a personal token for Your own validity
The words bathe in benevolence and the
Sorrow of your guts and lungs;
Churning round, changing from light to dark-
Until You
Regurgitate them maliciously, coming up through Your throat, bypassing every past lump once resting there
Soaring past Your teeth, they grab hold of a few incisors while sailing toward me with a clatter
Chewing straight through me

Insufflate adulation, emanate malevolence

A-L-I-B I know you lie to me
I-R-O-N-I see things quite clear
L-I-A are you still there?
N-U-M be all that you can be 

I see those lies in your eyes,
I despise It insults my intelligence, and,
I watch your pupils they dilate with
Each word you exaggerate,
Fabricate 

I don't ever want to see you again 
I try and I tried but maybe we can't be 
Friends
And I'm addicted to the way you 
Pretend
That everything is alright, when I know 
Different

Inquest 
Is it better to have 
Loved and
Lost and
Learned the 
Lecture of 
Life; unavailing 

Or be it 
Simple and
Stay
Silent and
Survey the
Selfless shadow of solitary

I have
Yet to
Yield a
Yearning for
Yesterday; I am 
Young

Homicide bomber through trial and error
The epitaph moniker scours my name
A sacredot comes to abduct unseen felonies
But you and I will never ever be the same

We neglect the olive branch
We are poles apart

Catacomb undercroft, catacomb deposit box
The cabinet mourns for me
My stigma is lost

Big chill runs through our vertebrae
It can surely be precise
Don't contemplate but ruminate
Extinction will suffice

We respect the villain
We lock horns

Catacomb undercroft
Catacomb deposit box
The cabinet mourns for me
Our stigma is lost

Diuturnal explication
Evanescent predicament
Fabricated blade incision
It cannot be over yet
Diuturnal - explication
Evanescent - predicament
Fabricatedbladeincision
It cannot be over yet

Homicide bomber - trial and error
Epitaph moniker scours my name
Sacredot comes to abduct unseen felonies
You and I will never ever be the same

We neglect the olive branch
**We are poles apart

There's a gun in Your hand
O son of the sun
That hushes Your voice and
Cheapens Your words
There's a gun in Your head
O sun of the son
That blinds Your vision and
Deafens Your ears
There's a gun at my heart
O son of the sun
With a gentle squeeze
You trigger my ache
Give me the gun,
O sun of the son
For it is my turn to aim

If and when I can't shed tears, and
It happens now and then,
Through the years
That clear and harmless way to feed
Your bitter sodium pain to the floor
Nothing shed but flows instead
Through this pen I bleed
The ink might as well be red, it is
Black,
As my suffering,
As the ducts in the corners of my
Eyes so dry
But meaningless letters scratched onto blank slates
Are formed into shapes crafted only because of You
My wounded soul seeps through this
Ball point knife I removed from my back
You did it again, as well I knew You would

When you interfere, I get an inner fear, that You should not be here
But You interject, and I recollect
The resolve You test, you know what's best
You insist, and I resist
To keep You at bay, in the same callous way
I won't let won't let you in, I can't let you win
To solidify my sin, the kind aside from religion, apart from illusion
Adultery of the Spirit

Have you ever felt
The weight of the world crashing
Down upon your hopes?

I have never felt
The speed of the Earth turning,
Twisting up my thoughts

I have only felt
The depth of my mind racing
For understanding

You've seen everything through my pulse, and
Yet I've lost sight in this empty cavity
A hole, hollow and holistic
Wholehearted and devoid of warmth
As if to thaw on a bed of roses
It feels graceful, tragic,

Reflective of Being
The bane of empathy
The sting of truth and honesty
Respective of living, living;

Eventually You will be replaced
In this heart shaped hole in my chest
Wholeheartedly

How could you do this to me?
It's not You or I, but We
That make Us, that make up
Who we are not
Supposed to be

The way You hold on to me
With a blank face
You make me feel so empty
When will I finally see?
Your eyes alive within me

The knots You tied around me
The greater the gap
And I can feel them tightening
You make it hard to breathe
Short of breath and I'm always gasping

Rewind, repeat, and depart from me
These are my limbs You're severing
I'm barely functioning
There is still phantom feeling
Please bring them back to me

How could You do this to me?
You make me feel so empty
You make it hard to breathe
I'm barely functioning

It's not You or I but We
That make Us, that make up
Who We are not
Supposed to be

I heard my life in mono before I met You
We became stereo
Me: channel left
You: panned right;
A cohesive strengthening of sound
A mutual clatter of turbulence, with such underlying beauty
Only we knew the clamor was best for Us, though no one believed
As the cacophony grew, Your speaker buzzed and squawked
I played unaware, loving the crescendo
-
Eventually, as stereos do, You
Shorted out
Grew weaker and weaker with each
Note; melodies were crumbling
I fiddled with the wires,
Hoping, wanting both sides of our discord to stay true
-
Then you were silent
Eerily and I kept screaming
Roaring with a clatter that could have blown my own side of this
Disquiet. You were muted, hushed
Now I hear but half of my life
The left remains;
The right, You, are not even
Static, and I pray for mono
Again

This modern world is just too much for me
Everywhere I look it's:
Fight or flight;
**** and flee
Pure and honest talent dehumanized by
Technology
Black and white;
Opressed and free
True and genuine love faked and flaunted and
Forgotten
Kiss and tell;
**** and flee
This modern world is just too much for me